Game Updates/Player Stories
Eschatology, Bitches!
March 20, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 10:01 PM
The Day of Reckoning is upon you suckers...
As was CLEARLY stated when you first started the game, you *MUST* make a bonafide attempt on another or be removed after the first week.
Well, at midnight tonight the first week of the tournament is complete and those of you that haven't done what you were supposed to do will be like *totally* pimp-slapped out of the game.
[some exceptions may be made...IF you actually put work into wetting your target...if you DO NOT get an email from me kicking you out of the tournament, consider yourself spared]
You are poor excuses for assassins...seriously, it kinda makes me physically ill just thinking about you. I can feel the bile rise in the back of my throat with each letter I type writing about you and your non-exploits.
*spit*
Even that can't get the foul taste of your lack of skills out of my mouth...it's like a mixture of cheap booze and hooker-spit. Is it really so hard to find someone and wet them? Actually, not even wet them - just *try* to wet them? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Entry into the world of professional assassins requires, at the minimmum, dedication...dedication you must not have.
Go back to the comfort of your couch...find the nice impession of your ass and nestle in it once again, eat your Doritos and kick back and relax. Watch the action shows on TV and movies and rest easy knowing that if you were ever in that situation, you would fail, just as you did now.
Like your parents, I am disappointed in you.
Perhaps, next time you will be more agressive and dedicated.
Sigh.
Despite my repugnance at your lack of wetting, it pains me to see you go, as I would have liked all of you to have experienced the thrill of the hunt. Alas, it is not to be...this time...
To those of you that made it past the first week, I offer my heartfelt congratulations. No easy feat to last this long...many have fallen to the liquid justice doled out by their fellow competitors...and more will soon fall by the hand of my personal assassins.
OH!
Did I forget to mention?
Today is also the day I am releasing my personal assassins on you, the remaining players. So, if your killer is being a bit lazy or if you are on a team and haven't felt the fear of being hunted...well...that will soon change. In the coming days you will come to know them well...I might even give you clues to their identities...maybe...
...and so the end begins...
Now, kills for the weekend
You cats were prolific on Saturday, but it seems Sunday you rested.
This is not a bad thing. I'm kinda happy to see that I am not dealing with a bunch of godless pagan heathens.
Sunday is supposed to be for worshipin' or drinkin'. I generally choose the latter.
But I digress...
Although there is a dearth of stories, it pleases me to no end that some of you have chosen to rock us some art...and so, here shall it be exhibited.
I am a connoisseur of fine art and fine bitches...and as I'm not gonnna be sharing my bitches with any of you disease ridden animals, I figger I might as well class you up a bit and share some of that art.
Enjoy.
*********************************************************************
By Agent ZS
*********************************************************************
I see there are those who are weak and feel the need to supply the Shadow Gov't false information to make up for their own carelessness in keeping themselves alive. How ignorant can they be to assume that the almighty Shadow Gov't does not have immediate access to their information. How much conceit must they have to not realize that as a result of their transgression(s), theat their very lives and every second they remain dry is only because you allow it. Perhaps, as a test of my worth you could find it in yourself to allow me to act as your hand striking down those who doubt the reach of your power.
About me? I am simply a "retired" ronin (Temporarily stowed my guns 10 years ago) looking to come out of "retirement" from the bush leagues, to prove my worth.
*********************************************************************
My assassins are a trio of blind, deaf and dumb-ass no talent HACKS!
Theirpathetic attempts at reaching me have been very entertaining. I
never knew Icould be so talented atcontrolling a trio of MEAT
PUPPETS! They have eagerly jumped through every last hoop I have
presented, only to say "thank you sir, may I have some more!" I have
sent them on a wild goose-hunt and yet they have no idea they are being
led by the nose; meanwhile, I am free to stalk my next victim and smoke
a few martinis... I hope their assassins fail to kill them for a
while'cause this is just too much damn FUN!
Dance monkeys, DANCE!
;)
*********************************************************************
Esteemed SC,
Thanks for the shout out tonight. In response to our quietness, well, we are learning the value of protecting (dis)information. Alas, our current Target: JS, is turning out to be a tough weasel of a player... although he has stole the momentum that was our killing
spree, he has educated us about how to be a better Assassin.
We have staked him out repeatedly, but the little bastard is so safe
that it is impossible to get to him. Particularly since the shrimp
never leaves the brine of his hovel. Our one brush with him over the
course of several days of surveillance follows:
We arrive at the target's house. A couple hours after careful
surveillance, my partner comes to feed me and offer support. Just as
she arrives, a car pulls into the target's driveway.... the driveway
has a back entrance to the house. I recognize an opportunity when it
arrives and immediately hit the pavement for a walk by... real casual
like.
As I pass the drive way, a small car sits with the back door open...
the target is in the back seat arguing with his Lover (not that there is anything wrong with that) who is standing in the driveway... two unidentified women are in the front. I hear a snippet of the conversation confirming the target:
".... I am sooooo over this 'game.' You are gonna get your ass inside
now. I am sick of this"
"No. I need to be safe. Do your part"
I want to pop the guy... but this homie plays by the rules and knows
the target is safe in the car. Plus, I don't want to waste water just to blow my cover. I pull into the neighbors bushes and wait to hear his exit... but strangely hear no other car door closing. Then the car pulls out. I am confused. I wait until the car pulls away... and head back up the street to find the very large gay lover literally doing a perimeter check while on a cell phone.... FOR 15 MINS!
Then another car arrives. The bastard is so damn careful he switches
out cars and has drop offs. This kid has too much time on his hands.
I realize this might be my only moment. I hit the concrete again... as I walk by the driveway it is blocked by the VLGL who eyes me very
suspiciously... the target sitting in his car. I decide to eject
rather than blow cover.
Over the next several days, after hours and hours of repeated
surveillance (the worst bout between 1:30am-3:00am Saturday) the guy is either never home, or never comes out. A large cat mouse game ensues after I go through his garbage one night to see if I can find a lead. I get a name off of a receipt next to a broken water gun.
[REDACTED]
END
*********************************************************************
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Comments
Personally, I would rather eat a Jane.
But to each his own.
Posted by: Interested Bystander at March 20, 2006 1:34 PM
Hard rules with no wiggle room are not how the SG rolls.
Each situation is handled differently depending on what went down and the severity of the rule breaking.
The rules themselves may not cover all situations that may transpire, but their intent covers most everything. The intent of the no attempts at work rule is to keep you from losing your job. Constantly calling someone's place of employment and harassing them is not against the rules...but it IS against the intent of the no attempts at work rule and would therefore be punished harshly.
As far as the car shooting rule goes, shooting from a moving car to a moving car while going fast is fucking dangerous and is DQ worthy. Rolling at 5mph and shooting at someone walking is also against the rules...and a hit like that would not count, but it certainly isn't worthy of a DQ.
There is not one catch-all solution for all situations...each situation must be dealt with separately.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Posted by: Supreme Commander at March 20, 2006 1:40 PM
So....if our target is one the lame assassins being eliminated today, will we be assigned another target?
Posted by: Finkle at March 20, 2006 1:45 PM
tou-muthafuckin-che' SC. i stand corrected. glad I posted tho...now some things ARE a little clearer.
Posted by: Agent DN at March 20, 2006 1:53 PM
your lucky I'm not hunting you Senor. how does an Irish Car Bomb sound? I ain't talking bout the drink either....funny thing is, I ain't joking ya?!?!
Posted by: Senor HersheySquirt at March 20, 2006 4:20 PM
Senor Squirt,
That sounds like your target would then be disqualified, unless he/she is BSing you. So stop yer whining and tough talk.
Posted by: soakthis at March 20, 2006 4:31 PM
I've spent every day hunting since the game started and i'm fucking wrecked. good thing all my doors are deadbolt so I can catch some zzzz's!
i'll be having dreams of soaking you all. and partying... that reminds me, i had an idea today while I was daydreaming, maybe someone in the SG should start organizing a streetwars LA "afterparty" so to speak? i'm sure we could score a plethora of talented performers within the streetwars participants? DJ's, bands, fire breathing hippies or hipsters...stuff like that. I'd be down to put in like $15 extra for a kick ass night of booze and story telling. shit we could even have a formal ceremony for the winners of the game (followed by a water pistol bukkake of the winners!) whoohooo!!!
Posted by: sleepymotherfucker at March 20, 2006 5:19 PM
It's a fucking cold day in L.A. for us stalkers, literally, had to bust out the ol sweatpants. I mean, it's not like I would oppose sweatpants, I try to wear them at least 99% of the time. I also haven't changed my underwear in weeks, in case anyone is wondering.
Agent Scottypants, your pool was especially uninviting today, maybe when it gets warmer we can take a lil nudie dip in it late night, ya know what I'm sayin you sexy back fat loving wanker you!
I hope you enjoy the message awaiting you Agent SY, the Chateau Curson has one tricky parking garage fence, you can lose an arm/testicle trying to scale that thing!
You guys have given me nothing but shattered dreams, I feel like I could run away from this empty heart, you said you'd die for me...
Agent Tuna hates Jazz
Posted by: Chicken of the sea at March 20, 2006 5:47 PM
Funny thing is, when you call their office to confirm the vacation...and the voicemail sez they won't be back until Monday.
The Gov. is aware of the situation...
But for you, soakthis, and your creative name...I have a little wisdom to share with you. Where I come from, we have a saying that goes back many, many years:
"Eat a dick."
See you at the end of the game, from the winning side, not the whining side.
-Senor Squirt
Post Script:
Be sure to click on my name for a special message, just for you soakthis!
Posted by: Senor Squirt at March 20, 2006 5:51 PM
Oh, hotlinking from names was ended days ago, you premature ejaculator.
Posted by: soakthis at March 20, 2006 6:07 PM
pffft! hotlinking was soooo last wednesday...
Posted by: jdkid at March 20, 2006 6:27 PM
Fellas,
I got bad news for you guys... the rain... well it was me. I am a genius and I have invented a rain machine to soak all your wimp asses. Please send me your monies and nude boner photos.
Much Love,
The Vag
Posted by: agent sit on my wet vagina at March 20, 2006 7:05 PM
Thanks Vag, but I used the same joke a couple days ago. Thats why you'll die next, for not paying attention.
Posted by: soakthis at March 20, 2006 7:26 PM
I'm tired of hunting, I want to be hunted! To my lame ass assasin/s, please fucking do something. Also... I DARE A ROGUE ASSASIN TO COME AFTER ME. That's right... you heard right... BRING IT, so I can blast you already.
Posted by: G. W. at March 20, 2006 7:45 PM
Dear soakthis,
I made a joke about your penis a couple days ago. People are still laughing.
Much Love,
V
Posted by: agent sit on my face at March 20, 2006 7:51 PM
Less jokes, more kills, Vag.
Speaking of pussies, I feel like one - been in L.A. too long as the rain is keeping from venturing off to dispense of my elusive prey.
Posted by: soakthis at March 20, 2006 9:33 PM
G.W. -
Ask and ye shall receive.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Posted by: Supreme Commander at March 20, 2006 9:36 PM
In response to tyler's assassination attempt of me on thurs mar 16th, he found the viper's single weakness: Here's to alcohol, the cause of and solution to, all of lifes problems. You know I just cant resist a thurs night of heavy drinking with random people at a bar (dels saloon) on santa monica where they had no guiness or bailey's the night before st patty's day. and other players bum rushed in some time around midnight to drench agent Red. Very poor form fellas. Anyway, had a good time thanks for the drinks, hope there is another bar get together but when you come home at 1 am after a night of heavy drinking and your stalker has been on your balcony since 4pm, your going to get wet one way or another.
myspace/jtoschi
Posted by: Josh "the viper" T. at March 20, 2006 11:20 PM
JF, I spent 4 and half hours in your laundry room. do you ever come home?
Posted by: Smith at March 21, 2006 12:46 AM
fickles is a nancy--straight-trippin'.
Posted by: C. Manning at March 21, 2006 12:54 AM
Ahhh... yes, a nice sunny day...
Posted by: soakthis at March 21, 2006 9:00 AM
To all of you who lived through the weekend... It's only because some cunning assasin poisoined me, I was forced to return to my lair where my team of Geisha's have been nursing me back to health using sage leaves and the root of endangered bonsai trees, which grow only on the inverted side of large cliffs. My strength is returning, which means you may all really begin fearing for your lives.
Posted by: Agent TG at March 21, 2006 9:06 AM
No really, there are plenty of brand new shiny SUVs in my nieghborhood.
With two white guys sitting in the front seat.
At nine o'clock at night.
no...really.
Let's just say I've seen better hits on Soul Train reruns.
joke!
Posted by: Senor Squirt at March 21, 2006 9:54 AM
Everyone of you should be lucky that I live in chino, to far away from the area of play and couldnt register. For the street preacher would have brought salvation through death on all of you...
Posted by: Street Preacher at March 21, 2006 10:50 AM
Yo, Smith..Why would you tell me you spent 4 hours in my laundry room?? The short answer is yes I do come home, and no I don't use fabric softener.
Posted by: Agent JF at March 21, 2006 10:55 AM
Agent TG, lucky for you that your Geishas are skilled healers. Indeed, the only known antidote for the concentrated, Pancreatic Platypus bile we poisoned you with is, in fact, Bonzai root.
Posted by: Agent C at March 21, 2006 12:26 PM
Dude, can I get a hit of that?
Posted by: brah brah at March 21, 2006 5:24 PM
Yah, that was a lot of big words. Makes my head hurt. You get it.
In other news, I'm gonna kill you bitches!!!
Posted by: Senor Squirt at March 21, 2006 5:49 PM
Life seems so much duller, now that I'm dead. No more peering over my shoulder. No more cautious entrances and back door routes. No more stairs on the way up and down. No more checking the peephole. I got out of the car and walked all the way around to the other side, didn't do a walk through with my gun in hand or check around corners. I took my time getting out, and made sure I got everything. I waited at the elevator, even though there were people around and it was taking a while. Now this water gun on my hip is starting to chafe. It occurs to me for the first time in over a week that I may look just a bit silly with this thing on.I went to the roof and had a cigarrette. I checked my mail before coming up. And now that I'm in my apartment, I'm bored. Dying puts a damper on everything.
I guess thats what you get for letting your guard down. Thats how you get hit with a water baloon in the parking lot. Didn't stay on the curb on the way to the car, I even set it on the roof and looked around to taunt anyone that might be around. There were no cars for 30 feet and no clear angles, anyone with a water gun would have had to come out and tipped me off, and I had superior firepower. Didn't factor in water baloons, dumbass. They travel in soundless archs while your back is turned. They splash your shoes and kill you. Now you gotta give your ID over to this tool box. No shoot out, no taunts, no threats. No new target.
No more avoiding the lobby. No more excuses to not do your laundry, or take out the trash. No more hiding out. No more checking your six and shaking a tail. No more lingering in the shadows tracking a mark. No more stakeouts in the car, or dinner across the street from the marks house. No more fun.
Just work again.
Posted by: Da SpiderMonkey at March 21, 2006 7:21 PM
I got my second kill today. This posed to be an issue in the beginning but in the end they all fall. i waited for a bit outside her apartment and then when she pulled up i was right when she turned around not the greatest kill be a kill none the less.
Posted by: WoRd at March 21, 2006 7:52 PM
Nice video on You Tube. The masked assassin could very well have been the person who posted it who, according to his profile (drew604) on YT, is a 27-yr old male from the US who is probably named Drew.
Posted by: whoknows? at March 21, 2006 7:52 PM
Hey Spidermonkey,
Now that your dead, can you come over and do my laundry and take out my trash. It's really starting to build up.
Posted by: Exu at March 21, 2006 8:02 PM
Contact your Shadow Governement Official: liveinfear@streetwars.net
Regarding the fair play situations i'm seeing in the last comments, i think that anyone here who blantantly disregards a set-in-stone rule, should be DQ'd the moment they disregard the rule. No moving vehicles MEANS no moving vehicles. end of story. no grey areas at all. you're either in a car shooting at someone, or shooting at someone in a car and your O U T. keep it safe so we can enjoy this game again next time.
the same applies for getting wet. the rules clearly state that even one drop of water constitutes a kill. even ONE. on your shoe, sock, sleeve, hat, whatever. seriously, take it like a friggen man. do you really want to be that guy who knows he's a damn loser cheat and has to face all the cool fair play peeps at the end of the game when all the L.A. cats get together to party? honestly i could care less about the cash. the amount of time I've spent playing this game has clearly outweighed the amount of money that could possibly have come my way. this game is about getting RESPECT from some of the most creative motherfuckers in L.A.. think about it.
and to all the people who are about to flame me for my "insert_negative_description_here" comment - eat a dick.
Posted by: Agent DN at March 20, 2006 1:04 PM