Call the Coroner [Weekend Update]

This first story deserves extra juice as it comes from Agent Red of the Shadow Government.

Red was not sent to kill...merely to let you weak-ass punks know that WE know what's up. Impersonating the Shadow Government ain't really looked on with a kind eye, you dig?

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O Supreme Commander,

Tonight Black and I staked out this situation. We amused ourselves while parked across the street watching the supposed shadow government lieutenant wait in the shadows of a bus stop. He was patient. We had more patience. We watched the rest of his team (a dark blue Volvo wagon and newer small silver Toyota/Suzuki 5-door) come by and check in. I had earlier spoken to the contact (Agent MC) and asked him to wait until after 9:45 to make the rendezvous. According to our surveillance, the contact did not make a rendezvous with supposed SG rep. At one point in the evening, a car had parked behind us and we saw someone, we supposed the contact, run across the street. This person did have a water gun. We did not see this person move up the street.

As the supposed SG rep was packing up and getting into his black Explorer, Black and I jumped out of the Rivera parked across the street and sprinted to fake SG LT Suv. He had managed to lock his doors, but Black shined his bright flash light into his face. He started to pull out, but I was standing in front of his vehicle at that point. He looked at me with his sweet doe eyes shining in the headlight. I could see his fear. I smiled at him, delighted at his confusion. He was panicking. He put his car in reverse and his tires squealed as he backed up about 30 feet until he could pull out and around.

Black and I crossed back to our vehicle, in the meantime the explorer sped off down the street. We cased the street for a while longer, looking for the other two vehicles, previously spotted with no luck.

So, they had (at least) 3 cars, and 4 people (two in the Volvo wagon, and 1-2 in the silver car (dark-haired girl driving)).

We successfully put the fear in them.

-- Red & Black

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Booooyakasha! Nuff respect to all my assasins keepin it real in da streets, reppin for the L.A. Massive! Here's my story about the demise of Agent RR on the Flaming Dragons team.

After staking out the team leader's peezy for 3 hrs today, I decided that i'm spending too much time in the presence of Chinatown crackheads (literally) and I was catching a contact, so I decided to setup shop at a new location and try to slay the dragons by first cutting off the right hand, rather than going for the head. Well my plan payed off, but not without patience first.

When I first arrived I knew what car to look for from recon on Tuesday and I saw RR's car in the front of his building. I thought to myself "I ain't leaving without his card." I parked, walked around front.....and SURPRISE!! the muthafaaqing car was GONE!! I thought to myself, damn do these guys have 24 hr. survelliance or something? I literally missed him by a minute or less. I hopped back in my car and proceeded to shout profanities the likes of which only young children hear when their fathers are screwing with the hot water heater in the basement.

It was still only 4 o'clock on a Saturday, so after some inward meditation, I reflected on my past experiences with assasinating the Shaolin Monks (slippery little bastards) and remembered that patience is the answer to all. I drove around, for about 40 minutes checking the usual spots - supermarkets, local adult book store ect... When I returned to the spot...whaallla, the car magically appears again just as I had seen it when I drove up the first time. So i decided to camoflage myself using the environment around me in a creative way that I will not reveal until you see me again as the last man standing (aka don't ask me now or i'll have to kill you). Anyhoo, after another 2.5 hours of waiting for RR to show up at his
candy colored V-Dub (representin Deutschland), I shifted gears and decided to attempt a more direct route and distracted him with a phone call. Spewing some crap about recent movies I've seen, I was able to finally enter his gated hotel style apt. with the help of unsuspecting bystandards while he was still on the phone with me. "See you soon" I said...click. I hung up the phone and made my move. Based on his phone call, I had a hunch that he would be leaving soon, so I wedged a water balloon in between the handle and padlock on this screen door, hoping to kill him with it when he turned the handle, or distract him at the very least. 10 minutes later, it was Poland Spring time (nothing but the best for my marks). Door opens, I press
against the wall stealth style and then BAM! Headshot straight to the dome with no fight, and no chase....running after your target is for the inexperienced.... Level 1-3 complete.

Now for the rest of the dragon.

Patience my fellow assasins...Patience. ooh...and don't forget about ballz.

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I "Round Kid" got to the enemys parking garage at about 5:30 which was 5 hours after General Pickle and Tiny Dancer arrived. Pickle and Dancer befriended a few co-workers of his and knew that had a meeting until 6 or 7. Knowing this we set up a perimeter around his garage. I waited in a empty closet near the elevators in the parking garage, Dancer and Pickle waited near his car. I saw the targest hand push the door and i shot him while he also shot me. It was too close to call we both agreed it was in favor of the attacker. As we walked to his car i forgot that Pickle and dancer were there and dancer nailed him to make sure he was dead.

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Hello Supreme Commander. You haven't heard from me since my first
kill story. I just wanted to e-mail you and let you know that I'm
not out of the tournament or anything. My current target is being an
elusive shit. I've been pulling (nearly) all-night stakeouts on her
place every night for the past four nights and I still have no sign
of her. On the first morning of my mission, I broke into the
apartment below her which was empty and being renovated. I was
caught by her landlord who told me that she did not live there. Of
course he was covering for her so I came back that night and staked
out from inside a car. The next night hidden in the bushes across
the street. And the last two nights from a great vantage point
behind a wall in the building behind hers. Not a single sign of her
entering or leaving her apartment (to which there is only one door).

Last night I approached someone who I thought was my target's
roommate. Just like every other resident of the building, she was
being about as informative as a tree frog.
"I have no idea what her schedule is like these days."
"I'm not sure where she's staying."
"Yeah I guess I'm kinda her roommate."
"My name? That doesn't really matter, does it?"

So I gather that she's probably not even staying at her place.
However I do know that she's still active in the Street Wars
tournament. I read one of her kill stories on the blog. The one
where she got a call from her landlord saying he had a run-in with
me. Now after five tough nights I can't really rely on finding her
at home... I'm gonna have to go after her at work. That will be
tough given my own work schedule but I've got to find a way to carry
out your biddings, Supreme Commander.

Anyway, I just wanted to keep you up to date on my current mission
and let you know that I'm still gripping the cold hard plastic of my
water pistol, waiting for the chance to use it again. On the other
end, I've had no sign of any assassins tracking me. I'm sure whoever
has been given my contract is just as frustrated as I am about my
current assignment.

Rest assured, your supremacy, I still intend to carry out my
assignment and show this wannabe-ninja biatch what's up with a face
full of water.

.KM

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TEAM ADVENTURE or HOW I LEARNED TO EAT HEALTHY AND SOAK A FOOL.

Saturday was supposed to be recon day. With Agent Winston Wolf out of the country attending to international affairs, Agent Yellow Hammer (accompanied by the beautiful Agent Canary) was pounding the pavement, with no other goal in mind than familiarizing himself with TEAM ADVENTURE'S turf.

1800 Hours

First stop: Hippie Foods Market in Culver City. Agents Yellow Hammer and Canary are checking out Target Jackée's workplace. Her dossier stated that she works weekdays in the AM. Not worried about being spotted amongst the masses of health-minded civilians, Agents Yellow Hammer and Canary stroll the aisles, both realizing that nothing looks particularly appetizing. Soy Butter? Nope. Puffed Oats? No thanks. Organically harvested Cow Cud? Yuck. But wait. What's that? Can it be...?

It turns out that Target Jackée tried the old shift-switch, working late on a Saturday night to avoid the unrelenting hunt of POST MORTEM. There she was, gift wrapped like it was Christmas morning, attending to her business as if she didn't have a care in the world. Pity comes to mind, but the more appropriate term for the emotion bubbling up in Agent Yellow Hammer's gut is shame. "It's a shame I have to waste water on such an unsuspecting fool."

Ah but there are rules, after all. Soaking down a sucker in their place of work is verboten. Not one to conform, Agent Yellow Hammer decided to exploit the parking lot loophole. Unfortunately, this meant a long evening sitting in a parked car. Stakeout. Normally the sort of task Agent Yellow Hammer would relegate to some bright-eyed POST MORTEM hanger-on.

The real tragedy was not that Agents Yellow Hammer and Canary had to sit in a car for 4 hours, but that they had to occupy the time by feasting on Hippie Foods Market snacks. Seriously, does anyone really like Pirate's Booty?

Time drags on. And on. And on. Agents Yellow Hammer and Canary wait. And watch. Target Jackée takes a break outside with her back to the parking lot. She has become complacent. Anger is now the only thing Agent Yellow Hammer feels. Anger he has to waste his time on this one.

2218 Hours
Target Jackée emerges from the closed doors of Hippie Foods Market. She walks to the edge of the sidewalk but does not step foot onto the parking lot. She stops long enough to explain to her co-worker that she is involved in Street Wars and that "someone may be here to kill me." (This fact seems to do little to effect her behavior as...) she starts walking with very little urgency to her car. It's as if she wants to die. Agent Yellow Hammer is only too happy to oblige.

"Run Jackée!" Screams the Targets silly coworker friend. It is too late. Agent Yellow Hammer has descended swiftly and with precision. It is over before Target Jackée could take her concealed weapon out of its protective plastic bag.

Agent Yellow Hammer returned home dry and exuberant, only to find a phone message left for him. It was from the sad assassin who's been trying in vain to soak the Hammer all week (this was becoming a more and more commonplace): "(to be read in a meek voice) uh... hi hammer... this is captain clumsy... just checking in... i hope your night was successful..."

Note to captain clumsy: Agent Yellow Hammer is not your friend. Stop calling him.

POST MORTEM proudly announces the elimination of TEAM ADVENTURE. Five lame-os eliminated for the price of one.

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To the supreme commander:

we as team Flaming Dragons, are happy to announce our first assassination. after countless hours stalking our mark's work address, and several failed attempts to follow the suspect, tonight outside of a bar in west hollywood, Agent MG was eliminated from the streetwars competition.

however, some things come at a hefty price, and we are sad to say that team member: Agent RR was taken out at 430p today by the assassin Goddamn Ninja.

we await our next assignment...

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THE CHI SQUAD REPORTING DEATH AT PARK LA BREA:

We head out, in the latest CHI SQUAD CarŠborrowed, Oh yeah! That¹s
rightŠtoward Park La Brea via the big war protest.
We get to the parking lot, Agent Nutty Ho Ho searches for the TARGET¹S vehicle, while the rest of us gear up with our weapons of mass destruction.

Excellent news, the TARGET¹S car is not in it¹s parking space, which we take to mean, not home!

Time to set up our stake out location, behind the blue dumpster. We listen to our stake out CD. The song ³I Smell a Rat² is playing when we see his car pull into the lot.

It¹s GO time bitches, and I find myself freaking out and therefore telling everyone to CHILL! Agent NUTTY HO HO hides behind the hedge outside of the parking garage door. Agent DING DONG is back up around the corner. I (Agent CUPCAKE) watch the entrance in case the TARGET turns to run. TARGET takes his time, but we¹re ready. As soon as he steps out of the garage, HO HO is all over him, hitting him in the face, chest and his F¹ing, French fries!

Just stepped out for lunch?! and WHAM! It¹s ovah! He¹s wet and there is GAME BLOOD (H20) EVERYWHERE. Here¹s a tip: Don¹t play this game if you have VANITY PLATES!

We stop to reflect, but only for a moment. We throw back a few shots of JACK and discuss his last words: ³Nice hit!² Damn right.

On to our next target... Looking forward to giving a water enema. Bitches betta watch where you sit!

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After my first kill, I got my dossier a couple of days later and
surprisingly after a quick internet search I found that the target I had been assigned was into a lot of the same stuff as me. We didn’t have the same circle of friends, but our circles were very close. This was a huge advantage over my previous target. My first thought was since he rode a scooter and was part of a scooter club that had monthly rides, I would be able to take him out there. Unfortunately, the ride was last Sunday, so I was out of luck (there were even photos posted on the club’s website from last Sunday’s ride). Damn. I then sent out e-mails to friends to see if I had any connections that I could exploit, but that came up with nothing.

Finally, it was down to a couple of long shots. Two events were happening this week that he might be at, a 60’s soul club on Saturday, and his friend’s band was playing in Silverlake on Wednesday. Instead of sitting outside his place for hours on end, I decide to check these events first.

I call up some friends and we go to the Soul night in Hollywood. We had been talking about checking it out for quite a while, so this was the perfect opportunity. If he doesn’t show up, it’s still won’t be a wasted evening. I get to the club about 10:30 and meet up with friends. I show them his photo so they can keep an eye out as well. Around 11:30, my target rolls in. Knowing that I can’t take him out in the bar, I have to keep tabs on him until he goes outside. We sit and have a few drinks and my friends decide to leave around 1. Finally, around 1:30, I see my target grab his jacket and head to the door with a couple of friends. This was my chance. I have my gun in my pocket and walk out a few steps behind them. Once they get out the door, they light up cigarettes. I come up behind the target and say “(Name), I think you have something of mine.” He turns
around and I squirt him and he hands over his card.

Next target please.

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Well famous last words. One thing I've learned in Street Wars is as soon as you let your guard down, you're done. Last night I was hit by my assassin right outside a Hollywood club (and not a very popular one). We just so happened to be involved in the same kind of social scene so he was expecting to see me there anyways. I took the hit with dignity, realizing immediately my fatal mistake. Well now the NC contract has been passed on to KL and I wish him luck in dropping that dingleberry. It was a great game and though I wish I had some more time, I'll be looking forward to catching up on some sleep.

.Agent KM

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So its finally happened. I caught my mark slipping and cornered him in the bathroom of his apartment. Caught with his dick in his hands, he had no other option, but to allow himself to be executed on video.
The say the first kill is the best, and I am now convinced.

Agent JC
3/19/06 RIP

Well I am going to go celebrate by shooting people
running the LA Marathon.

db

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[END]

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government