Fuckin' Ninjas.

First, as promised a little round up of the days kills:

Smoke&Mirrors rocked some David Copperfield type skills and magically appreared out of nowhere in the most unexpected place and smoked Agent NG, leader of Team Blakely. Another team falls...

The few, the arid, the Aquamarines. These cats used some high-end military training, stalked, hunted and finally met their target JD...who promptly gave up. Perhaps he was afraid of the feared Auamarine crotch shot.

The CHI squad reported their week's activities to me and in so foing saved a number of people from a brutal beating. Kudos, Chi-Squad.

Hydrophobia double drenched Agent KL. Homey denied the kill the first time, but rather than make a big stink about it, Hydrophobia just waxed him the next day. Class act kids.

Agent "Clumsy" DJ continued disassembling Team Post Mortem. From a team of three, now there is but one. Must be lonely and scary to be the only one left...I wonder if he will opt for death or revenge...

And now, as you have come to expect, player stories...

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The Aqua Marines have assassinated JD at 11:05 PM on 3/19/06

Let us preface this kill report with the three steadfast rules that
an Aqua Marine lives by.

1. Never Get Wet
2. Always Shoot for the Crotch
3. Never leave a Marine behind

The preceding rules are born from the most important thing to an Aqua
Marine, and that is Honor. Our latest victim suffered from a disease.
A disease that holds no cure. Our victim had no Honor. He held no
respect for the Shadow Government and for the players of this game.
Our target did the unfathomable, he lay down his weapon and quit.
That is a word that the Aqua Marines had to ask someone to explain to
us because we do not understand such an insane concept...quitting.
Our target surely realized that there was nowhere to run, nowhere to
hide, and nowhere to stay dry. We had infiltrated his apartment
complex on numerous occasions, finding numerous holes in its weak
attempt at "security" and our target knew that during this game, he
had no home. We assume that our infiltration of his life completely
broke his will and led him to believe that he was truly alone on this
Earth, that is, unless he finally succumbed to the unquestionable
truth. He will get a pint of water to the crotch, and he will shame
himself further with tears of embarrassment.

Our target responded to one of our phone calls, where we normally
utilize military sonic weaponry, and he notified us of his foreign
concept of quitting. We promptly found him outside of a bar in
Venice, doused his crotch and cut his card in front of him, giving
him an dishonorable discharge from the game. This kill did not "wet"
the appetites of the Aqua Marines, but it did further reinforce our
belief that dousing the weak is a duty we will fulfill till we win
this war.

Semper Dry

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THE CHI SQUAD: 1st week in review

Preproduction complete. Proceed to packet pick up, CHI style in the untraceable SQUADcar. Immediately begin recon on first Target. And what an easy target he is. He’s all over the web, like an open book. A website last updated Dec05 tells us about his dead pets, in order of their deaths, including the most recent hamster, HamStar III: the Reckoning. Holy crap. Somehow we find his parents address in Northridge, good to have as backup info (even if its crazy shit). Let the game begin.

DAY 1: AGENT DING DONG makes a trip to Target’s work. Entrance is somehow wedged between a newsstand, a Walgreen’s, a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and a handicap toilet. What the fuck? Later that night, team agrees to meet near his apartment, but first stop to do free wine tasting at the Whole Foods. Then pick up a can of soup (his favorite) and leave it as his door with note. His apartment is a fucking gated complex, but luckily we have sweet CHI skills that get us in through several breaches of security.

DAY 2: AGENT DING DONG heads to emergency room for non-game related injury. Spends 17 hours in county hospital. AGENTS CUPCAKE & NUTTY HO-HO provide backup letting Target know we haven’t forgot about him.

DAY 3: AGENTS CUPCAKE & NUTTY HO-HO scoped out Target’s apartment in the evening, but he manages to scurry in, like a little HamStar. We head home.

DAY 4: AGENT NUTTY HO-HO does a little solo work in the morning and watches the Target walk to the secured parking garage, gun drawn. Stay cool.. run around building to where he will have to exit and notice he has already made it into his vehicle. It’s cool. Now we know what he drives.

AGENT DING DONG is back in action. Scopes out Target at work where they are carrying out mysterious boxes and computer equipment. Are they sneaking him out in a giant box? He is small. hmm. AGENT DING DONG notices something interesting: vanity plates are a dead give away, even on heavy doses of pain meds! Team decides to convene at Target’s kickball game. Surely he won’t miss that. Sit through 2 complete games in what seems like 30 fucking degree weather. Teammates keep calling Target’s last name, strange, because it’s definitely not him. Turns out to be his brother. DAMN! He never showed. But nice, his brother tells us he’s working late and his company is moving to a new location. Wow, sucka!

DAY 5:
8AM Team decides to meets up at Target’s work. Shit! He’s already there. The sad coworkers (of our Target) are carrying their own computers out to their cars. Target must’ve paid a fellow coworker to move his shit cause he’s nowhere to be seen. AGENT DING DONG is tired of eating every meal in the car behind Walgreen’s, and also running out of quarters for the coin entry bathroom at the Coffee Bean. Seriously gotta consider buying the pee funnel. AGENT DING DONG (now knows ever neighbor that lives on the block around Walgreen’s, including the strangely fascinating lesbian couple with the 7 year old kid and the bronco…whoops! all those meds – who am I watching?) takes a short break and heads to another doctors appointment. Need more meds. 3PM back at Walgreen’s watching for the Target. 5:55PM our Target makes a mad dash for his car, but hard to see him because his super soaker is actually bigger than he is. He strategically parked his car one foot off the side walk (consider safe work zone) and was in the drivers seat before AGENT DING DONG could put down her pop-tart and open the door. Missed him but, AGENT DING DONG & NUTTY HO-HO race him across town, thru St Patrick’s Day traffic…cruising at times at speeds as high as 7 mph. Trying to beat him home. Lose him somewhere on SM blvd., but finally get into position at his apartment. It’s easy since we know Park La Brea like (insert relevant rap here). We know where he parks and he’s not home yet. We wait. 6:20 – 8:30PM lotta shit goes down. Mostly AGENT DING DONG surveying neighborhood bathrooms (Coffee Bean & Tea, Chevron, Sav-On, Mobile…damn must be all the pills). Then finally a sighting! Our HamStar (aka Target) scurries to his apartment from parking garage along path. We follow on foot. Had to make it thru the security gate, down the path, up some stairs, and into apartment lobby. He made it to the elevator before us. We catch the second elevator, but freakin’ lady gets on and we have to stop at 8th floor. Fuck, we missed him again! We get off at 9 just as his door slams shut. We put our ears to his door and all we here is a “flush!” We stake the hallway for a bit, but neighbors start giving us the eye as they come and go. We’re sweaty and decide to head to the SQUAD car and access the situation. Its freakin’ St Patricks Day and we think our Target MUST be getting ready to go out. We make a quick run to liquor store…buy some JACK and head back to our stalkin’ positions. Once again, roll right on into (the secured?) Park La Brea…they leave the gate open for yez there! What the fuck is the point of all the wasted FENCES! So we get an excellent parking spot and throw back a few shots to chills. This guy maybe allergic to air…will he ever come out again? Hours pass.

11PM AGENTS NUTTY HOHO and DINGDONG are turning into snackcakes in the freakin’ SQUAD car. We decide he must be going to sleep. After 9 hours in the car delerium sets in. That’s it for tonight. Sleep tight little HamStar. We’ll be back in the morning.

DAY 6: (THE CHI SQUAD REPORTING DEATH AT PARK LA BREA)
We head out, in the latest CHI SQUAD Car…borrowed, Oh yeah! That’s right…toward Park La Brea via the big war protest.

We get to the parking lot, Agent NUTTY HO HO searches for the Target’s vehicle, while the rest of us gear up with our weapons of mass destruction.

Excellent news, the Target’s car is not in it’s parking space, which we take to mean, not home!

Time to set up our stake out location, behind the blue dumpster. We listen to our stake out CD. The song “I Smell a Rat” is playing when we see his car pull into the lot.

It’s GO time bitches, and I find myself freaking out and therefore telling everyone to CHILL! Agent NUTTY HO HO hides behind the hedge outside of the parking garage door. Agent DING DONG is back up around the corner. I (Agent CUPCAKE) watch the entrance in case the Target turns to run. Target takes his time, but we’re ready. As soon as he steps out of the garage, HO HO is all over him, hitting him in the face, chest and his F’ing, French fries! Just stepped out for lunch?! and WHAM! It’s ovah! He’s wet and there is GAME BLOOD (H20) EVERYWHERE. Here’s a tip: Don’t play this game if you have VANITY PLATES!

We stop to reflect, but only for a moment. We throw back a few shots of JACK and discuss his last words: “Nice hit!” Damn right.

The team heads straight to the new Target’s home and scope out the lay of the land.

DAY 7: we seemed to have a new assassin looking for us. Good, cause those bitches before were starting to bore us. We totally get stalked but little does he know we’ve got a good look at his vehicle and his 5 o’clock shadow. spend the rest of the weekend googling and drinking whiskey to stay calm. it’s amazing how the whiskey and adrenaline combo works! we are now officially all converted whiskey/bourbon drinkers.

DAY 8: guess we’ve been staying low, a little too low. We haven’t been emailing the SG as much as we should have. Now we know to update them everyday with all of our details so they don’t think we’re just sittin’ back and snacking. Check out the postings and get pissed at the blog by some hardcore bitch. We start talkin’ shit and now have made 2 new enemies: her and Matrix coat girl. Maybe we should stay off the blog for a while. Drink more whiskey. Ok better now. Time to rest. Damn, we trippin!

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A Night of Hunting

Or

The Great L.A. Circle

(some minor details have been changed to protect the guilty and/or
make the story more exciting)

After extensive research on Team Blakey, it was decided that Smoke &
Mirrors would follow a decapitation strategy and gun for special
target Agent NG.

Agent NG is very active in his local church (church band, youth group
leader, etc.), so a plan was floated to take him out at his place of
worship. Mordeth rejected this plan, as he was afraid of going to
Hell. I know that we are already there, so I have no fear. Instead, we headed to his home in beautiful Highland Park.

Upon arriving at his house, we discovered Agent NG was not at home. A
large group of young men were hanging out a couple of doors down. One
of them saw our guns and yelled out, "Hey, Streetwars! NG's not home."

Mordeth replied, "We know that".

Young man: "Give me ten bucks and I'll tell you where he lives."

Mordeth: "We know where he lives."

Young man: "O.K. I'll tell you where he went."

A bribe changed hands.

Young man: "He went to see my sister in Canoga Park."

Me: "Ah, the lovely Jay. What do they usually do?"

A hard stare from the young man and another bribe changed hands.

Young man: "They like to hang out at the Coffee Bean in the Westfield Mall."

Mordeth and I got into my car, popped "Felt 2: A Tribute to Lisa
Bonet" in the cd player and jumped onto the 101, heading north.

We got to the mall, only to find that there is no Coffee Bean there.
One of the locals pointed us towards a Starbucks located in the mall
parking structure. We rolled passed the Starbucks and saw Agent NG's
car parked outside. I dropped Mordeth off around the corner to act as
backup and circled back to park outside of Starbucks. I could see the
target and his girlfriend Jay (who is just as lovely in person as she
is in Smoke & Mirrors intel photos) through the front window.

Since Starbucks was going to serve as Canoga Park's stand in for
Sparks Steak House, I decided to leave the heavy weaponry in the car
and went in with only my back up pistol held behind my back. I don't
know if it was my determined stride or the glint of bloodlust in my
eye, but Agent NG made me and drew his gun. However, in his
excitement, his first shot went wide and I quickly gave him two to the chest. Team Blakey is eliminated.

Agent NG gave us his dossier on his target, Agent AH. He told us that
she rarely did anything but go to work and go home. The night was
young, so we decided to check out her house near LAX. We hopped back
on the 101 to the 405. During the drive, inspired by our last victim's faith, we discussed WWJD? and then moved on to a subject closer to our hearts, WWTMD? (What would Tony Montana do?). From there, we moved on to the global economy, the war in Iraq, and the feasibility of helping the Supreme Commander organize Streetwars Baghdad.

We arrived at Agent AH's house and found a black Dodge truck (which
Agent NG said he believed was the target's car). Mordeth and I posted
up in the carport to decide our strategy. The target's house is
directly under the LAX flight path, so we timed our conversations to
coincide with the low flying planes passing overhead. As we were
planning, we saw headlights coming down the driveway and we ducked
into a small space between a car and some overhead storage bins so as
not to be seen by neighbors and tip off the target. From our hiding
place, we had a very small opening through which we could see out. The car parked at the other end of the carport and a couple got out. As the couple passed by our peek hole, we realized that the woman was our target (she looked very different from her dossier photo, which I
don't fault her for – disguise is an important tool for an assassin).
By the time we were able to extract ourselves from our hiding place,
she was already safely inside.

We tried the Jehovah's Witness approach again, which failed (I suppose it would be too much to ask to have two targets leave their doors unlocked). By then, it was obvious to her that we were there, and that she wasn't going to come out, so we made a couple of harassing phone calls and headed home. We drove a couple of blocks to the 105, which we took to the 110 to the 101 and back to our Eastside hideaway, having completely circumnavigated L.A.

Agent AH, be warned. I'm coming for you. If you leave me an offering
of cachaca and a cigar, I may let you live one more day.

Exu
Smoke & Mirrors

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Dearest Supreme Commander and Mustache Commander,

I write you filled with pure rage. Rage only a true assasin can carry in her heart. My dedication and love for you has been absolute and my desire to kill all is unrelenting. I will do anything you ask me to do, donkey punch, hot carl, kill kevin, you name it. I am an assasin thru and thru and today I killed a [REDACTED].

KL is our second kill. My partner and I arrived at Mr. L's home at 6am, we parked our car a few houses down from his and waited vigilintly for him to exit. At 7:42am We saw him walk down the street away from our car. We preceded to slowly follow him as he walked a few blocks to his car. We slowed and I rolled down my window and emptied my super soaker on his lovely work outfit. Awe, all wet for you big day in the office? He pulled out his fucking wimp 6 inch range gun and watered the sidewalk. To assure proper wetting, my partner, who was driving the car, jumped out and drained his
super soaker all over his punk ass. [REDACTED]

He is a wrinkled, streched, gangreen infested vagina. And I'm pretty sure he has crabs. Oh and we think he owns a scooter, which means he doesnt have a penis. No matter, he is wet. He is dead.

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Tuesday –

7:00pm I’ve finished the necessary preparations, and am ready to make my first attempt on my target. As I am about to leave I notice a strange car slowly passing my house. It stops down the street and lets a couple of assassins out. I grab the IR goggles and head to the roof for a better view.

8:00pm I see them getting into position in a field near my car. I decided to let them sweat for a spell.

8:45pm Sent a decoy to my car to rummage around for something. Sure enough, the would be assassins jump out and hose down the decoy. I attempt to spray them down from the roof, but they are out of range. I hop down and jump in my car. A pursuit begins. I get them cornered in a side street, get a good look and license number. That’s all I need for now, I have killin’ to do.

10:00pm I arrive at my mark’s house, damn a 3rd floor townhouse with limited hiding, parking and access in general. I attempt to rush the door and he gets me in the chest. See you in 24 hours.

Wednesday-

6:00pm One of my assassins arrives at work and tells a coworker his real name, and that he is waiting for me. I head out front and tell him to leave. I assume he’ll be at my house when I get there.

7:00pm I arrive home, after taking some undisclosed safety measures, I send a recon agent, (unarmed of course) to check a popular hiding spot. Sure enough he’s there. He is sure I am in the back seat of my car, but I’m not. I hose him down from my hiding place, and head to my targets house.

9:00pm-2:00am Stakeout my target from his balcony, the cold is getting to me. Seems as though everyone is home and in bed. Five hours wasted.

Thursday-

5:00am-8:15am Return to stakeout position. Damn it’s cold in the AM, and I gotta get to work.

5:00pm-1:00am Stake my target out from his balcony again. Watch his roommates watch television. Drink a 40 of the good stuff. I know he’s coming. Recon agents call form Del’s saloon, he’s there. I hop in the car and drive dangerously to Del’s. I nearly arrive, and the phone rings. Recon reports he’s on the move. I flip a bitch and lead him back to his house. I’m one off ramp ahead, and the lack of sleep and the 40oz, and hitting me.

1:25am I ditch my car on a side street and race back to my position on his balcony. I see him pull in. Consider bombing him from above with a grenade…a miss would surely scare him off and really piss me the fuck off. I decide to wait. After what seems like an eternity, my mark is nearing his front door and my line of sight. He slowly approaches and I end him. He doesn’t have an ID card.

Friday-
Take the day off of killing to enjoy a party at my house.

Saturday
7:00am Check out my new target(s) homes. Both have heavy exposure, should be easy kills.

4:00pm Pull up on one of my targets houses. He walks out front, sees me and jumps back in the house. I casually enter a neighboring apartment building, then sneak back to the back seat of my car. After a short while he decides its safe and heads out. He looks nothing like his photo; even with binoculars I’m not sure. I make the call. He reaches for the pocket. Target confirmed. I dive out the car and come across the street guns blazing. I missed. A foot pursuit begins. Pumpin and running, my soaker got him strong in the back, I head to Casa Vega for some salsa and beers.

6:00pm Saturday-Present 9:00pm Monday. A serious cold has taken me out of my killing game, leaving me bedridden and helpless. I wonder if a cunning assassin poisoned me?

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Hello Supreme Commander,

Agent Clumsy here to report the fortunate death of JK. Silly
hack decided morning time was safe to stand on a corner awaiting Little Pants' pick up.

I stealthily floated up and simply drew faster. He gave a good shot of water, but to no avail. He was already dead.

Team Post Mortem is slowly being disassembled.

Agent Clumsy

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