Game Updates/Player Stories
The Best of the Best - Tournament Champions - StreetWars LA 2006
April 25, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 7:32 PM
And so, finally the winners of StreetWars LA are revealed to the public...
STREETWARS LOS ANGELES 2006
Chi Squad - Best Kill Video
Ummm...hit "play" to peep the video, retard.
STREETWARS LOS ANGELES 2006
Agent JS - Best "Kill" Story
HOW TO "DESSERT" YOUR ASSASSINS
~ OR ~
TEAM I4I EATS HUMBLE PIE
STREETWARS LOS ANGELES 2006
Agent BK - Most Kills:5
Agent NB
Agent RL
Agent TS
Nexus Assassins - Agent DS
Agent DB
All took out by the hand of BK.
All excellent competitors...my respect...but, like Highlander, there can be only one.
One person to rise to the top.
The cream of the crust.
The Last Man Standing and Champion of the 2006 Los Angeles StreetWars Tournament...
[Click the Link, Sucka.]
STREETWARS LOS ANGELES 2006
Agent DJ - Grand Champion Streetwars LA 2006 - Last Man Standing
But how?
How did Agent DJ become the StreetWars Champion?
He killed me, that's how.
As to how he killed me...well...you'll just have to wait until my next posting for that story...
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Game Updates/Player Stories
Game Over, Man!
April 9, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 1:56 PM
We have a winner.
Who?
You'll just have to come to the wrap party, tonight at 8pm at:
Belmont Cafe
747 N. La Cienega Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90069
310 659 8871
All will be revealed there...
Game Updates/Player Stories
Sudden death update
April 5, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 12:30 PM
Take note, remaining assassins:
On Thursday morning, April 6th, 06:00 hours, the rogues will be reactivated, and hot on your trails.
Thank you, and good luck.
Mustache
Game Updates/Player Stories
Welcome to Sudden Death...The End Begins...
April 4, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 6:18 PM
SUDDEN DEATH!!!
Like my scrotum here it is in a nutshell:
The following are the remaining players, in drenching order:
Flaming Dragons
Agent WW
Kobra Kai Killer
Hydrophobia
Smoke & Mirrors
i4i
Agent DJ
Agent MM
Agent TG
PAY ATTENTION HERE:
I promised you shit would change in Sudden Death.
Like Highlander, there can be only one.
As of right now, TEAMS NO LONGER EXIST.
Your targets are inactive (until further notice...as there may be one more addition to the Sudden Death player list), but you can kill your teammates.
Only uncontested kills will count.
But...
That's not your main goal...
To be the best, you've got to beat the best.
I am the final target, you wet me, you win.
Oh!
I almost failed to mention...like any Head of State, I will have a security contingent with me (most of the time - hehe) and they can irrigate you. They can be neutralized for 30 minutes (only applies to the assassin that pesonally neutralized the said body guard. The body guard is still free to wetify all other players), but they can also take you out of the game by wetting you...
Some of my information be emailed to you by Midnight, along with more detialed rules on Sudden Death.
***
For those lacking the needed 3 kills, I will be emailing you tonight with details on how you can still roll up in Sudden Death
***
You will get more intel on me and my movements daily. I strongly suggest you check your email and the blog periodically.
I'll be posting *way* more often as Sudden Death progesses.
This shit is gonna separate the punks from the playaz.
Let's play.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Game Updates/Player Stories
24 Hours
April 3, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 10:53 AM
The time is almost here for Sudden Death and for one assassin to become the definitive winner of StreetWars LA...
As you well know, you need 3 kills to enter Sudden Death in order to prove your worth as an assassin.
It hurts me to hear that some of you are hovering at 2 kills yet are foaming at the mouth to enter the Sudden Death round...and so I shall give you 2 chances to do so...
You have 24 hours to come up with that 3rd kill...if you do not get one in 24 hours, there may be another chace for ONE of you to make it to Sudden Death.
I will post details on that once the 24 hour period expires.
Once this final group is set, Sudden Death will begin in earnest, with my arrival in LA on Wednesday.
That's right children, quit yer squabbling and name calling, daddy's coming home and he's got wetting on his mind...
Nuggets in my pocket, wine in my hand
I got it like that, but you still don't understand
It comes to me natural, it comes to me easy
I just lay back and let the water gun lead me
I never work a day in my life
Single brother, no kids, no wife
100,000 wettings from one hand, that's many
But back where I come from, they ain't worth a penny
You've got a lot of talent, but you fail to see
You paid for yours, I got mine for free
Play in the rain and don't get wet
Walk through the desert and don't even sweat
Play in the snow and don't get cold
I've got ladies uptown and money on the floor
There's not a damn thing in the world that I'm askin' for
Believe dat.
See you Wednesday, suckaz.
A collection of kills and kill stories will be posted this evening...there is a reason for the non-release of information...
Mwaahahahahahahahahahahaha...
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
That's right children, quit yer squabbling and name calling, daddy's coming home and he's got wetting on his mind...
Nuggets in my pocket, wine in my hand
I got it like that, but you still don't understand
It comes to me natural, it comes to me easy
I just lay back and let the water gun lead me
I never work a day in my life
Single brother, no kids, no wife
100,000 wettings from one hand, that's many
But back where I come from, they ain't worth a penny
You've got a lot of talent, but you fail to see
You paid for yours, I got mine for free
Play in the rain and don't get wet
Walk through the desert and don't even sweat
Play in the snow and don't get cold
I've got ladies uptown and money on the floor
There's not a damn thing in the world that I'm askin' for
Believe dat.
See you Wednesday, suckaz.
A collection of kills and kill stories will be posted this evening...there is a reason for the non-release of information...
Mwaahahahahahahahahahahaha...
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Game Updates/Player Stories
Prepare For The End...
April 1, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 12:20 PM
745 pardons, my young assassins, I have had to take care of some local issues (which I shall update you on later) and that has prevented me from giving you a full force posting...
I'll hit you kids off with some kill stories (there are some friggin huge developments) and updates on the current state of the dry and the wetted a bit later today...
Until then, I shall hook you up with some knowledge that may be useful to you in killin the rest of the punks that are still dry...or that may help you in Sudden Death...should you get there...
****BEGIN TRANSMISSION****
From: XXXX XXXXXX
To: XXXX XXXXXX XXXXXXX
Date: 2022-08-14 20:50
Re: TOP SECRET WEAPONS DEVELOPMENT PROGRAM
I conferred with world-renowned weapons engineers and, after obtaining some common tools and materials, went to work on building the next generation of hand-held water weapon. This is what we've come up with:
As you can see, it is a pressure chamber/valve design not entirely unlike a common Super Soaker, but instead of being pressurized with pumps, it uses a reinforced rubber bladder inside of a sealed airtank to accept water from the regular public supply. It can be filled/charged quickly from any household tap, and the filling equipment is portable. The weapon itself can be entirely handheld, but works better when the pressure tank is worn in a backpack or messenger-bag (it fits easily in any messenger bag). A custom-made removable nozzle sits in-front of an ordinary PVC ball valve. The system does not leak at all and can be charged to nearly to water-supply pressure. With conservative testing, an initial charge produces a stream reaching 35 feet.
This is not useful for defense, but makes an excellent attack weapon. A button-release hand-held valve would make a weapon like this useful for defense purposes, but it was determined early on that it may be too much trouble to try to accomplish something like that. The design is easily adaptable for stronger capacity. Cost without tools for weapon and charger system - approximately $50. (Would be cheaper if design was refined to use less-complex valves, or if they stocked a better variety of plastic valves at XXXX XXXXX [redacted])
More to come.
-XXXX XXXXX
****END TRANSMISSION****
Game Updates/Player Stories
The Crucible
March 30, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 5:16 AM
15 left.
Pitiful.
A measly 2 deaths? Is that all you "assassins" (I use that term very loosely) can give me now that the endgame is set? It all boils down to these next few days and I get 2 kills?! [interrobang]
Now, I understand that y'all are pros (or so you think) and all that fancy shit, but you got nothing unless you got kills...and right now, you ain't getting kills, suckaz.
Agent BK, Kobra Kai Killer and you other bastards, where are you? I thought I could count on you to keep the drenchings going...alas...
This dryness makes me want to make all of you pay for diappointing me. No! Make the whole city pay! I should use my Weather Machine to bring 41 days and 41 nights of rain upon Los Angeles (ha! I'll beat g-d!!)...and you suckers have like *no* ship building skills nor do you know of spans and chaldrons, peninkulmas and poronkusemas. I bet all of you monkeys are scratching your heads thinking those words were made up...this is my point. You have no chance for dryness when I open up the skies and let it rain.
You cats are supposed to badass...yet yer acting like chumps.
In fact, I shouldn't even waste my Uranium-235 to run the Weather Machine. Instead I'm gonna show my displeasure by running you cats through a Crucible.
I just sent all my Rogue assassins information on all of you remaining assassins and the following instructions:
Pick one.
Players, now you have a choice - kill or die.
Player stories follow...
This first story was touching...
*********************************************************************
It is with great saddness and remorse that I have to report the death
of the Smokin' Aces (minus Scottywankerpants because he is a wanker
and deserved to die). Mustache always told me that I was a diva and
that something great was bound to happen with a camera guy around...
well, he was right. After almost 2 weeks with no kill in sight, I
successfuly soaked team leader The Reverend on a last whim.
It started with a complete failure and humiliation Tuesday night (as
reflected in my near suicidal post) as I fucked up 2 perfectly great
chances to make a double kill due to my down-syndrome. I had along a
photographer for WPN who was actually interested in Streetwars and is
planning on playing the next LA game. Again, it's hard being a
stealth ninja with some dude with a camera behind you, but nonetheless I was spotted by wanker's douchebag roommate who never leaves his home. The Smokin Aces arrived at wanker's home but knew I was there. Wanker tried to spray me from Agent SY's vehicle and told me I was the worst assassin to ever live. I hope wanker dies in a car accident on xmas eve. I run down the street to avoid getting sprayed, then Agent SY turns around and drops off wanker in front of his apartment and he makes a dash inside. Pussy.
I decide to bounce outta that piece and head on over to Agent SY's. I see she has not returned home yet, so I climb over a fence to get to her parking garage. It's raining and I slipped on the fence, now I have this bruise the size of australia on my leg, its awesome. I sit on the wet cement waiting for her to get home, and finally see her car pull into the parking lot. I crouch down behind a wall and wait for her to exit her vehicle, no dice. She starts the car and backs up out of the lot, what the fuck?!? Appparently she spotted my car around the block, I stink. I see her sit in her car outside her apartment, waiting for me to come out. 5 minutes later I walk back to my car, but then realize that if I give up now I will go home and cry like the failure I am. I walk back around, spot SY in her car talking on her phone, and try to creep up behind her vehicle.
She sees me and cracks her window and says hello.
I say "Hey... it's me, Tuna, hows it going?"
SY: "Pretty good, I'm not gonna let you shoot me tonight."
Me: "oh allright, well, if you decide you want to let me squirt you
then let me know."
SY: "I won't squirt you but I'll just make sure you get in your car
and drive off."
Me: "Ok cool, well, it was nice meeting you. I hope you enjoyed the
can of tuna and drawing I left on your doorstep last night."
SY: "Oh it was great, I ate it for dinner."
Me: "That's good... well... see ya later."
I am so deadly I can't even stand it!
I call it a night, and decide to wake up at 8am and get the
photographer back over here so he doesn't get fired for having crap
pictures. We cruise by SY's to see that she has already left for
work, shit. I was just going to reschedule with the photog but I
decide that we might as well take a stroll to Maria's. I had no faith whatsoever in myself because I don't really know her schedule. I call her job and lo and behold The Clever (who was my first kill) answers the phone.
Me: "Hey I was wondering if I can talk to Maria."
Clever: "She's not in yet, can I take a message."
Me: "Sure, tell her Melissa called."
Clever: "Melissa, its Braden, what the hell are you doing calling here for Maria?"
Me: "Well i was planning on asking her if she was going to let me kill her today."
Clever: "You are the worst assassin ever, you can't call someone to
ask them if they are going to let you shoot them."
Me: "I know, I am terrible at this game, I might as well just give up."
Clever: "I agree, you really suck."
Me: "I know, well, have a good rest of the day."
I am so obvious it hurts.
I hang around Maria's for a little while longer, and this dude walks
down her stairwell and I ask him if Maria is home. He said "oh she
just walked back up to her aparment because I told her you were
standing there with a squirtgun." Thanks genius. I figured I was
busted, so I nonchalantly walk back to the vehicle... camera man Steve walks around the other side of her building to see if she's leaving, he spots her and gives me the sign. Maria takes off running and I chase after her, mind you I'm wearing flip flops and carrying a heavy bag with me (I'm so prepared all the time). I run so fast that Steve can't keep up with me, and Maria's neighbors are chasing after us, it's crazy! I finally come within wetting distance and unload the fury (water) onto her, she retalliates but no dice. Victory is mine!
I set my gun down and give Maria a big hug, I was kinda sad that I
killed her, she has been an awesome target the past few weeks.
The photog takes some more pics, we chat for a few about SWAT
incidinces and my new target. All of this went down before 10am, what a great start to the day.
I text wanker and let him know Tuna has killed him indirectly (and I'm not talking about the hiv I gave him when I put roofies in his drink and raped him last week).
I will miss the Aces, they put up a great fight and I've grown quite
fond of them. I see many drunken karaoke nights ahead of us. Oh and
Braden, let's make out soon.
Agent "I'm delirious... and not in a funny way like Eddie Murphy" Tuna
*********************************************************************
Greetings from beyond the StreetWars Graveyard!
I am writing to inform you of the following:
1. I am officially dead as of 9.00pm 3-27-2006.
2. I died as I lived: water gun in hand, stalking my assigned victim.
3. Team I4I killed me in a most awesome and hysterical way!
4. StreetWars was an exceptionally fun experience, THANK YOU for this brilliance!!!
I am not sure exactly how they did it, but Team I4I was able to learn where my assigned target lives. While I was engaged in actively stalking, I unexpectedly discovered that I was no longer the hunter, but instead I had become the hunted! A true StreetWars battle (actually in the middle of the street) occurred and I soon found myself floating toward a bright, white light...
Team I4I thoroughly and completely earned this kill and I tip my hat to a fantastic team and a great pair of players. They made my game truly challenging and most fun! I am honored to die at the hands of such dedicated and FUN assassins...
Hmmm, I think I need a towel and a martini...
;)
RIP
Agent JS
(StreetWars freakin' ROCKS!)
*********************************************************************
Poor Goddamn Ninja... He has been eliminated from this game, not by his assassin or a rogue agent, but by his own target. I cautiously walked to my car this morning, and during my landscape scan, a shadowy figure leaped from a corner and began to fire his weapon into the air. Acting quickly, I dodged his ammo, and took aim as I returned the favor. We separated with him questioning his skills, looking for confirmation. I reported dry, and commented on the water on his pants. He was hit. He came over and inspected my clothes to know that I was not lying, and was indeed yet again telling the truth. He tried a last ditch effort, asking me for my card, which I showed with great enthusiasm. I asked for his in return. But no card was lain forth. His card was not in his possession, knocking him out of the competition. I feel bad for the way he went down, but at the same time, my return home tonight was never sweeter. nice and relaxxed. I finally checked the mail...
despite the attempts the government has made to stop me, with Goddamn Ninja and agent BK, I am dry. I look forward to meeting all of you who try to stop me.
The lone.
The vengeful.
The Dry.
Shooter McGavin
Remaining member of team Flaming Dragon
*********************************************************************
**** TEAM i4i HAS ITS CAKE AND EATS IT 2 ****
A grisly battle involving cross traffic chases on foot, guns firing on the run, and water grenades slung across the water soaked streets of LA, ended with Death on Monday Night. The formidable foe that was
Agent JS has finally been terminated by Agent Peeps and Agent "the
Napster" Buttercup.
The ranting post that is his claim for fame lists numerous "ploys" that supposedly left Team i4i as nothing more than "meat puppets."
Rather than sink to his level of "he said she said he did what" by
listing the numerous inaccuracies that exist in his rambling homage to a Unibomber manifesto.... or praise him for his unavoidable skillz as a true Assassin with class (thanks for the cake) and wit (thanks for the taunts)... and with our former target now indubitable feeling much like a loser getting hit out of a childhood Dodgeball game... we reply to him with this simple retort:
Scoreboard. Your name is no longer in the game.
Agent Peeps and Agent Buttercup await their next target.
*********************************************************************
What else can I say. CH let his guard down, he felt safe. I blasted
him at his front door.
I stripped the pride right out of his soul.
*********************************************************************
[END]
Game Updates/Player Stories
Prime Numbers
March 26, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 5:08 PM
17 is a prime number...it is also the number of players remaining in the tournament.
We began with 200...now we are left with 17.
This has been an amazing rate of wettings.
If men as tough as me could cry, rest assured I would shed a tear of joy...
But no, all I can shed is blood. And I have. Often. Sometimes even belonging to the innocent. I can't really help my badassosity.
Anyway, pleasuring myself with the written word is not my goal here...my goal is to let you know that you crazy kids are on the brink of making assassin history.
Every single Streetwars tournament has run into Sudden Death. With a bit of effort on your part, you can end this early. One of you can be crowned as the most deadly assassin in Los Angeles, simply because of your own efforts. No Sudden Death, no special rules and circumstances, victory solely based on your skill at evading and wetting.
I want history to be made...so, I'm going to help you a bit...
Remember my Rogue Assassins?
Yeah, they will be after all of you now - solo player and team, those with many kills and those with few...none of you are safe.
Wait.
Read that again.
None.
Of.
You.
Are.
Safe.
Now, let's see if we can't reach the OG prime number by week's end...
Player stories follow...
Agent TG upgraded and uninstalled Death 2.0
Agent JF smoked Arcance Apaches like a pack of Kools
Agent CS got stoopid lucky...he thought he was attacking his killer and safe for 24 hours...instead, he hit his target, Agent JF.
Agent CS likely used up all his remaining luck with this next kill...after mistakenly killing JF, he acquired JF's target - a friend of his that lived in the same building. I say "lived" because homey is wetted now - bye, bye Agent GW
*********************************************************************
Agent II, leader of Death 2.0 was killed tonight. Awaiting next assignement. That's three for Agent TG. Spread the word, I don't fuck around.
*********************************************************************
Your Dryness,
Arcane
Apaches.
All
Axed.
Aim
Low.
Around
Around
We go.
Drip, drip..
-Finkle (Agent JF)
PS - That's two solo agents and two teams under my belt. Rogue-worthy? (I had to ask :). One things for sure, I must be inching closer to BK's or KKK's contract. Until then, I will continue to serve the SG.
*********************************************************************
so a funny thing
I got a call from a neighboor saying there was someone in our building. so in making sure i didn't get killed i lauched a water ballon attack. hitting him first.
but it was not the guy hunting me. he was hunting my neighbor. but as it turns out, he was my target. so he is now dead.
JF fell this evening. he was on a hunt for his target. but the only water he saw was from me.
smithy
*********************************************************************
I just got waxed by Team CS and JG, so ya, uh... damnit! Oh well, let me know if there's anything i can do to still be involved. Good shit SC, the buzz on the streets of LA is off the hizzee. Everyone I tell gets all pumped up and want's to play. So come back to LA soon. More so I can commence some serious revenge on my two friends across the hall. What are the odds that their target is my assasin and they see him in our building coming for me and blast him. Then con me into a late night "there's someone in the garage" routine and kill me when we get down there. It was wise of them to exclude the fact that they killed JF. I would probably have shot them both just to be safe. But alas I am dead.
*********************************************************************
I killed gw in the parking deck of his apartment. he got wetted.
and was not the wiser...cause I live in the same building as he.
*********************************************************************
Game Updates/Player Stories
Let's Play A Game...
March 25, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 7:57 AM
So, assassins, it is nice to see things are going well and that some of you are really coming into your own...
Los Angeles has been wetting at an impressive rate...there has not been a single day without a drenching. This, my assassins, is a new record - you should be proud of yourselves...
Now however, it is time to really test your skills...
Some of you have been complaining that you "aren't being hunted enough"...it brings a tear to the eye of my handsome face. So, to remedy this ill, I shall give you what you want...an opportunity to REALLY be hunted.
If you win my little challenge, I will waive the 2 kill rule and give you a Rogue Assassin to help you in your hunt.
Curious?
Email me to offer your services.
While you ponder, here are some player stories...
There is an advantage to being the best...Agent BK has gotten such a taste for wetting that he needs more...more fodder, more players to drench...and who am I to deny such a heartless and effective assassin this pleasure? It would be unjust...and I am anything but unjust...and so I send BK out to wet the weak. In this case, "the weak" was one of the Flaming Dragons. Next time, will it be you?
The CHI Squad continued with their snacking and their drenching. After successfully holding up a shipment of Gummi Bacon (yeah, I been watchin'...), the Squad got tipsy and got killy up on Agent JS.
MM battled through robits, ninjas AND robot ninjas to reach his target, Agent CS, the leader of the Evil Swiss Empire. The coup was successful. CS wet, Evil Swiss Empire defeated.
Senor Squirt aquatically bukkaked Agent AT.
Until tomorrow,
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
*********************************************************************
Dearest Supreme Commander,
It is with really no remorse whatsoever, that we
report to you kill no.2.
CHI SQUAD finds that the new target is a fucking
hermit. we spend monday evening in the SQUADcar in
front of his house doodling in a porno mag as a
present for him. Apparently, he does not appreciate
"Privates Investigator" article as much as we do. Next
night we witness all too much about his neighbors: one
who obsessively throws away a piece of trash at a time
on the street, one who has so much trash, she has
filled hers and every other neighbors' cans on all
corners of the intersection, a couple of gay twin
joggers, a couple of men wearing matching knit rasta
blazers (??), what seems to be a makeshift illegal
vet/house with hundreds of dogs pooping with no
regard right outside our car door, and to top it off
a mysterious man who steals plants from other
neighbors' yards, sometimes using a shopping cart to
transport his "goods".
((insert snack cake filling here))
THURSDAY 07:20AM: AGENT CUPCAKE does recon at target's
house and and finds exact make and model of his
vehicle, including first 4 digits of license plate.
AGENT DING DONG gets into position sometime in the
afternoon and decides to take cover in a bush across
the street. AGENTS CUPCAKE & NUTTY HO-HO receive phone
calls from said bush but we see no sign of her. AGENT
DING DONG complains of dog shit and piss. How many
fucking dogs can possibly live in this neighborhood??
several hours later, CUPCAKE relocates one of the
SQUADcars and hears a "SPLAT!!" and a scream. Target
hit. AGENT DING DONG takes a kill. AGENT CUPCAKE
squeals from afar. JS seemingly unphased by his
demise, has nothing to offer but his ID card and
quickly has somewhere to be. He is no fun. We piss in
your general direction. Why doesn't he want to party
with us?
Proceed to nearest bar immediately. Consume pizza,
beer and whiskey with our previous target, Neumie. He
is entertained by our stories of deception and
destruction. We wonder if he is a rogue assassin. in
any case, any of us could wrestle him and take him in
15 seconds or less. We decide we could offer him
protection as his bodyguards.
Proceed home and await our next mission.
With Dearest and Best Regards,
THE CHI SQUAD
*********************************************************************
"More than cracked up, you should have backed up
For those who act up need to be more than smacked up
E-F-F-E-C-T
A smooth operator operating correctly."
The Evil Swiss Empire crumbled to a watery grave this morning when
team leader Caroline Steiger caught a face full of funk as she stepped out of her door.
Line em up. Knock em down.
*********************************************************************
Senor Squirt in "Lavos Los Bitches"
Last night, I saw his camino on the street. After some serious intel...I knew more about my target than his last own mother. He could only be driving the maroon import with Ohio Plates.
With all of the construction going on, he was at a serious disadvantage for parking.
I got up at the 6:30 in the morning for the kill. Who would have thought they even made a 6:30 am? They had me fooled...but there it was, in black and red LED: six motherfucking thirty.
I untangled myself from the pile of hookers and blow from the previous night. It took me a good 15 minutes to make my way to the edge of my california king waterbed, but somehow I managed.
I stopped by my local arms dealer, picked up a pack of smokes, a bottle of tequila, and a cup of coffee: standard assassin fuel.
By 7:15 I was parked my imapala down the street, got out my cold weather poncho, and
waited...wedging myself under his ride. It turns out that imports aren't made for Luchadores, and our massive muscular manliness normally kept constrained by spandex and championship belts...kind of on the sideish, by the curb.
The automatic unlock of his doors signaled the soon to be soaked. Agent Thomas was cautious, but not cautious enough as he approached the ride, and was within range.
He shot first - and a return volley sent him down the street. The chase ensued, but his penny loafers were no match for my platform kicks. As he sprinted back towards his car, I had to go matrix on him:
Shot him right through the heart - and I was to blame. Only seconds before he reached the saftey of the driver's seat.
It was all over in under an hour, and I had time to make a few deliveries before my huevos rancheros were cold.
Agent Thomas, you were a worthy adversary. I look forward to sharing a beer with you once this is all finished. Now it's time to powder the hand for another slap.
Dear friendly nieghborhood shadow government: Agent Thomas was so intimidating, he scared his target out of the game. Please provide me with a brand spankin' new one.
Adios!
*********************************************************************
sadly, i must report another assassination mishap.
at this precise time, 721p, the remaining members of team flaming dragon were attempting an ambush attack on their assassin. During filming of the plan to execute Goddamn Ninja, a rogue assassin entered the apartment in the San Fernando Valley apartment, and shot 4 rounds. Before his gun could go off, Shooter McGavin, team leader shot with precision and accuracy to tranqualize the attacker. Unfortunately we were notified that only the mark, 'The Midnight Bomber-who bombs at midnight' would be able to difuse the assassin.
so, we pour one out for our lost team member, Joe, and we wish that we meet again in heaven.
signed a very sad,
Shooter McGavin
Team Flaming Dragon - a team of one
*********************************************************************
Last name Rude was already dead when i arrived, but I finished off
Segura as you requested. David Hayflich has repented....and who am I to not grant mercy to those asking for it.
The leader proclaimed to have shot me the same time i shot his team-mate, but to their surprise i informed them only Segura was my target and that the leader's shots have no affect on me. I was not there for him, but his team-mate.
If there is another rogue assignment please give it to me, now as you can see you can count on me. The deed is done, Hayflich on the run, and the "Flaming Dragons" uttering the words Agent Bk as I disappeared as quick as I came with another ID card to the roster.......officially or unofficially.
Either way it is up to you.
Officially 5 kills plus one team.
Un-officially 6 kills plus a team.
Like two sides of any man, good and bad, the rogue and law abider.....Agent BK Oneshot.
*********************************************************************
Game Updates/Player Stories
Always on Top
March 24, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 9:32 AM
In another move that further solidified the stranglehold that the Shadow Government has over the world, I am proud to announce that as of 23:37:05 AST (Atlantis Standard Time), Atlantis is under my leadership.
As I have annexed parts of the above-ground world using nothing but the mighty and awesome power of water, I needed a way to take over the parts of the world that were underwater...and up until recently impervious to my aquatic assassination methods.
The tables tipped in my favor when, whilst in a haze of Opium smoke and Absinthe, I was being pleasured by 5 concubines and I realized that if water is powerful on land, then air must be just as powerful under water!
I immediately put my scientists to work on developing a water gun that could be used under water and that fired air. The project was completed just last Summer.
Anyway, point is, the air firing water gun was developed and as of last night, we totally laid a stiff smack-down on those Hyperborean "gods". Pfffft. Suckers.
Score:
Shadow Government 934,675,497
Atlantis 0
Booya!
Yeah...so...enough of my (well deserved) gloating...on to the tournament...
The Smokin Aces have picked up something serious...first the team leader singlehandedly took out an entire SWAT team (and avoided getting shot by breakig out with some Trinity type shit) and the next day the rest of theteam returned to the scene of the slaughter to slaughter some more...agent HB got his shit wetted.
Agent DJ did something none of y'all had the balls to do yet...he fucking methodically cut up team Post Mortem as if he was performing an autopsy, if autopsies were performed on living peole and there was a lot of screaming.
The kill leader finally revealed his secret weapon...his other team member. Agent NB used the sole Spritz Pistol for a bellini. Agent EJ was able to wet BK and was then wetted by NB.
And now, as usual...
Player stories.
The first one is freakin amazing.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
*********************************************************************
Here is a little bedtime story I like to call:
HOW TO "DESSERT" YOUR ASSASSINS
~ OR ~
TEAM I4I EATS HUMBLE PIE
I am an actor. I live and work in Hollywood. Many of the other StreetWars players in the current game are also associated with the entertainment industry in various ways. This was certainly true of my first assassin, CB. Lets just call him: Mr. Blitz...
Monday, March 13, 2006: StreetWars had officially begun!
Around 11:00am my cell phone rang informing me I had a new voice mail. It was a brief and cryptic message stating that my assassin was currently stalking me at my home. Quite surprisingly, the incoming telephone number was not blocked. I returned the call...
"Hello, Interactive Advertising Blah Blah Blah..."
Numb-nuts called me from his office! A little web-searching and I soon knew his work info.
We are getting ready to re-landscape our front yard so I spent the next few hours outside happily working on the house. Approximately 5:00pm that evening my cell phone rang informing me I had a new voice mail. It was Mr. Blitz claiming to have spent the last six hours in front of my house stalking me. Strange that I didn't see him. The number looked quite familiar so I returned the call...
"Hello, Interactive Advertising Blah Blah Blah..."
Genius!
The next morning I received a number of messages from various casting contacts, including my Agent, informing me that there was an odd posting to the casting breakdowns which read:
"Would anyone representing an actor by the name of JS please contact us at this number: (XXX) XXX-XXXX"
The number looked quite familiar so I... Well, you can probably guess!
I quickly called up a good buddy of mine who also happens to be an excellent actor and asked him if he would like to pretend to represent me. Within a few minutes we had created the "Judith Berstein Agency" and he had become my new fake agent/manager. Lets just call him: Agent-Mighty.
Agent-Mighty contacted Mr. Blitz and, naturally enough, Mr. Blitz bought it hook, line and sinker. And why wouldn't he; after all, it was his idea to contact us in the first place! Agent-Mighty was friendly and eager to assist Mr. Blitz in setting up a fake voice-over audition as well as a fake MTV shoot. Mr. Blitz believed every damn word he heard from Agent-Mighty. Mr. Blitz was sure he was going to get me. Mr. Blitz is a punk-ass idiot.
Mr. Blitz, assured of his own brilliance, contacted a girl-friend at MTV who was also happy to help him set me up. Right on cue I received an e-mail from Ms. MTV that stated:
- - -
Hello JS,
AR, whom I think you may have met last weekend downtown, has approached my office at MTV about covering the water war for broadcast on our network. We have since secured rights to film the content and would like to begin sometime in the next week or two. I am a Producer for MTV Networks and am conducting interviews with "Assassins" and "Government Agents" alike.
I received your email from the "Shadow Government" as a potential participant. We wanted to touch base and see if you are still in the game (haven't been sprayed already) or if you already have some stalking stories to share. We obviously won't let our crew get in the way of game play and will keep them totally out of the scene. On the onset, if you feel more
comfortable with a phone interview, I understand. In the future though, we may also want to outfit players with hidden body-cams so we can catch footage without interfering.
Let us know if you are interested or if you have stories you'd want to share.
Thank you for your time,
Ms. MTV
- - -
Well, who could possibly resist such an invitation?!? I contacted Ms. MTV and assured her that I was most definitely interested. I thought: Mr. Blitz is going to be so pleased...
NEWSFLASH: Mr. Blitz gets shot dead in his own home!
I will spare you the gory details of Mr. Blitz demise, suffice it to say he needs to learn to close his damn doors at night... I now had a new assassin: Team I4I. Fortunately for me, Mr. Blitz shared everything he "knew" about me, my fake agency and my completely manufactured shooting schedule with the new assassins. Without realizing it, he had become my unwitting accomplice and mouthpiece to Team I4I... He so completely believed in Agent-Mighty that he shared with us everything he had learned about his (now my) assassins. Thanks buddy!
Here are some excerpts from Mr. Blitz e-mails to Agent-Mighty:
- - -
Yeah, so I was killed last night so now I am out of it... I was just trying to survive until Friday so we can get JS...
...I am so mad. Really upset with myself. I had it all set up and was careless and now am the big loser...
...I really appreciate all your help. Even though, I am a f-ing idiot!!!!!
- - -
Amen.
Agent-Mighty and I were able to send I4I on some fun wild-goose chases including a visit to the St. Patrick's Day parade where they believed I was performing as a leprechaun or some such thing. Agent-Mighty informed Mr. Blitz who subsequently informed I4I that I would be working on a film in Redondo Beach all weekend. Suspecting me of cheating, I4I contacted the Shadow-Government. It never dawned on them that they were being lead by the nose... away from me! Meanwhile, I was safely stalking my assigned victim.
I will say this for Team I4I, they are a pair of persistent mother-fuckers! They are casing my home almost constantly. It is a damn good thing I have a few tricks up my sleeve so they don't know if I am home or not... unless I want them to! They even followed a decoy car to go "shopping" while I was outside having a BBQ!
Mmmmm, tasty BBQ...
Team I4I also work in the entertainment industry and decided to pursue the MTV angle started by Mr. Blitz. After all, they had no way of knowing that I already knew it was all a setup. The prettier half of I4I contacted me pretending to be Ms. MTV. Lets just call her Ms. Fake MTV... "Why, yes, Ms. Fake MTV, of course I am still interested in your project..." After numerous phone calls and e-mails we arranged a time and place. What a surprise it was to learn they wanted to "shoot" me at the very production company where I4I's team leader works...
They attempted a few other shallow tactics as well: trying to enlist my neighbors help, sending a decoy assassin, car shopping, etc... All obvious ploys and easily circumvented. Their one good shot at me was still the MTV interview.
Well, the MTV interview was today; unfortunately, at the last minute I was unable to attend. A truly shocking turn of events, I know! However, I did leave them with a small token of my most sincere esteem: A letter and a small pastry.
Here is my letter to team I4I, edited to protect the ignorant:
- - -
My Dearest R, G, and C (Blitz),
~ OR ~
My Precious P/T, Fake C/Car Girl and Meat Puppet,
~ OR ~
Yo’ Blind, Deaf and Dumb,
(yeah, that’s it!)
Oh, my darlings, it truly saddens me to inform you that your pathetic attempts at “shooting” me today will have to go unrewarded. Well, not entirely unrewarded: I have sent a small pastry to show my sincere appreciation for the top-notch entertainment I have derived from watching you jump through so many of my hoops! The sweetness of the cake will surely help to counteract the bitterness of your obviously transparent, failed attempts at entrapment.
C’s over-zealous and seriously under-thought tactic to enlist the aid of my Agency was so obvious as to actually be CUTE. (Yes, you are a cutie, aren’t you dumb-boy!) Dude, I am an ACTOR; of course I would see the breakdowns... (yikes!) It was truly a shame you died so soon, I was having quite an amusing time playing puppet-master. Maybe try locking your doors shut from now on?!?
NEWSFLASH: There is NO SUCH THING as the Judith Berstein Agency. I made it up! Did you ever, even for the briefest of moments, think to try a little research? R (aka “Agent Mighty”) is simply a fellow actor and a close friend. He is also a friggin’ genius for the way he had you eating out of his hands…
!!! BRAVO !!!
With C as an unwitting accomplice, it was fantastically fun and easy to send Team I4I on a few wild-goose chases… Enjoy the parade? Well, did ‘ya??? I actually was at Nacional that night just to see if you would show up, don’t know why you couldn’t find me.
G, sweety, perhaps you should consider buying that old Dodge after all. True, it doesn’t run, but I guarantee you will get far more mileage out of it than from your lame-ass acting skills. Could you see me making faces at you while you were at the front door? Could you hear me laughing? I thought about drenching you right then and there, but the shameless display of shockingly bad acting had me absolutely spellbound. Your impersonation of CL was so insulting, she ought to slap you. It’s a damn good thing you have your looks…
R, buddy… Cheating? You have the unmitigated gall to accuse ME of CHEATING?!? I am truly shocked and offended! Take a bloody wild guess at just who’s idea it was to say I was shooting in Redondo Beach in the first place… Then again, you seem to believe a lot of what you hear from C, and we all know what a phenomenal intellect he is… I suppose I can’t really blame you, you’re the kind of guy who thinks Dodgeball is clever.
(hated it!)
Were you actually trying to enlist the aid of my neighbor? Really??? There are already two of you and only one of me. Heck, counting the help you got from C there are… well still just two of you actually, um, never mind… I can't possibly be THAT difficult to find. Just come up to my door… AND KNOCK! Then again, I doubt I would answer; after all, it isn't my job to make this game EASY for you. Instead of false accusations of cheating, perhaps you would be better served using your energy to simply play the game, you no talent hack of a clueless assassin. Yeah, that’s it dude, just keep walking around my block. No, really, you don't look suspicious at all!
After you and G oh-so-subtly (sigh…) snuck up to my front door, I could easily hear you talking behind my neighbor’s hedge. Maybe you should learn to use your “quiet voices”… Later, I walked RIGHT PASSED YOU on the sidewalk! HELLO?!?
(astounding!)
While you were busy “shopping” at Cost Plus, I was outside having a tasty BBQ.
Thanks to our Blitz-brained friend I have known who you are since the very start; moreover, I know where you work and where you live. I wonder if a special award is given for hunting down your own assassins? I guess we shall see…
Well, my sweet little kiddies, the time has come for me to take my leave of you. Please be sure to stop by once in a while and say “Howdy”, it’s getting kinda lonely over here…
Enjoy the cake!
Big Wet Sloppy Kisses,
JS
- - -
The cake was a delectable little white-rum number with flowers and leaves all over it, and in the center, written in scrumptious chocolate frosting were the words:
EAT ME, SUCKERS!
And I most sincerely hope they did, it was a truly excellent cake.
There is still far more to this story, but I must protect a few of my secrets for now... Besides, I need to go prepare for tonight's hunt. Stay dry!
:)
JS
*********************************************************************
Goddamn it! So fucking close!
I scoped the Triple K's property earlier in the day, noting all access routes and exits. Cruising back to my apartment, I got all the darkest shit I could find (and some special appearance altering tweaks, just in case), went back to work, and waited for night to fall to wreak my havoc.
I left work around 7 or 8, pulling up to the Killa's house and sneaking around the back of the block. Hardly anybody on the block (including the target) was home, so it was the easiest thing in the world to slip stealthily into his backyard, which was contained, only two exits. I tried the doors just for laughs, but he wouldn't be the KKK if he was that lazy. I spotted a stepladder out back, which made it all the easier to slip into the shadows on the roof. The only problem was a streetlight casting an indirect glow on the front part of the angle, but I found a nice shadow with a good view of the street and settled down to wait.
After just about 45 minutes, my patience is rewarded. The target's car comes so slowly down the street, I think he's run out of gas. He shows real due diligence, though, shining a flashlight into all the crevices an amateur assassin might hide. He neglects, however, to look up.
He parks across the street, but at a hard angle for me to reach before he gets to the door. I start moving slowly over to the other side of the building, he's getting out of his car, he's got a suit and tie on, this is going to be the sweetest, he starts walking.... and sees my shadow or something. All of a sudden, he starts scurrying back to the car, and my lethal stream is just short. I knew I should have done more distance tests before putting this piece into action. He jumps into his car and slams the door, flabbergasted that an assassin would have the audacity to be perched on his roof. He tries lobbing a water balloon, but he can barely see me when he looks straight at me, so it misses wide right. I say not a word, not wanting to give away any clues as to my true identity. His neighbor comes out to lend moral support, but sees that my perch affords me excellent coverage on any entrance to the house, so he says, "Well, looks like you're camping out here tonight." He climbs into the passenger side, they conference and then drive off, which was really his only option. I would have been too happy to outwait him on the street. They turn down another road, hoping to get a better look at me from behind, but I'm wise to this trick and retreat into the warm bosom of the shadows. They drive off again, I assume to jump into the safety of a bar. I wait for a while to make sure they're not coming back, and get down to go eat my Assassin-Os.
As I retreat, cursing, to the car, I realize he may still be watching
me, so I try to walk around a bit before taking off parts of my
disguise and slipping away. Your nimbleness has saved you this time,
Kobra Kai Killer, but just wait until the trickery begins.
I.M. Dryer
*********************************************************************
Supreme Commander,
It is with glee that I report the death of Post Mortem’s leader, JB. I decided to eat lunch within eyesight of my target’s workplace. About halfway through my burrito, I noticed said target entering his car and leaving his parking structure. I followed about 200 yard’s back. He parked in a lot and entered a building. I parked outside next to his car for sometime. Ate the rest of my burrito. Target came out armed but laid down his weapon in his back seat. I slid out of my car, and got a clean shot at his ribs.
Although I disassembled Post Mortem piece by piece, like plucking the wings off a butterfly before killing it, the team was quite strong. JB was a strong assassin, but after his team mates died it seemed he lost his passion.
I know my next target; they too will soon die a slow death. Possibly like that of a cockroach you step on, hear a couple of cracks, but let it live, only to play a game of kick the cockroach.
*********************************************************************
After a lengthy and close call where I shot at EJ, insisting that
I got him and him refusing through the door, I was neutralized for 24 hours by his gun.
So, without him being privy to the knowledge of NB being
reincarnated onto my team, I ushered her to his house where I gave her details and stragedy to execute on the unsuspecting victim. More of a analyst, always helping gather intel for my next target like my own personal "Charlie", she was guided to her first kill and behaved like a seasoned pro!
In less than ten minutes we had parked, plotted, and killed him without any obstacles.
I am not one to take credit for what is not mine, so i don't know whether this is a kill for myself as well as N, even though I was a part of it.
I leave the tallying in your capable hands.
Agent BK...Oneshot.
On to the next target!
*********************************************************************
Shadow Government Officials,
Despite your doubts my Supreme Commander, the Kobra Kai Killer
made a failed attempt to moisten one of the elite Aqua Marines. That
punk bitch was caught in a gun battle the likes of which have never
been seen. He was clumsily waiting outside of my bunker last night,
when the unskilled "ASS"assin was yapping away with one of my
neighbors. I suppose he foolishly thought that I, an elite Aqua
Marine, would dare give my punk ass neighbors any pertinent
information.
I saw this sucka grinning like a priest in a playground while he chatted with my female neighbors. I suppose he's not used to
females. Not only that, he also did so while foolishly holding his
water gun in plain view. I was like, "This mothafucka is getting
smoked." While most would run like a bitch, The Aqua Marines attack
with more skills than you can shake a stick at. I instantly sprung
into action by racing towards kobra kai.
A guardian angel was looking down upon him because he just finished the conversation as I came his way and he saw me as he luckily turned from the door. I fired a shot from my pump action assault rifle and found that its range was two feet less than needed. He fired back and found the same to be true of his weapon. A gunfight broke out, we're talking "a fist full of dollars" shit here. Shots were exchanged, and kobra kai surprised me with a water balloon. Unfortunately for him, he wasted the element of surprise with a limp wristed throw that landed far short of wetting such an elite soldier. After his pathetic miss, I decided to take evasive maneuvers and lose his punk ass. I escaped down my stairs and promptly waited for the fool to leave and strolled dryly, ashy even, into my home. Note to kobra kai: The Aqua Marines will remain dry.
Semper Dry
*********************************************************************
HB (R.I.P.) has been soaked beyond recognition as of 9:40PM.
His funeral will be closed casket as the damage was beyond repair.
9:15 - Agent Lover and I roll up to his crib. Brief discussion of strategy and position ensues. No convo needed; we've been training. We're ready.
9:25 - cock my gun. Cock my cock. Cock my mojo.
9:37 - Bergman and team roll up. They (girlfriend, friend) exit the car with confidence...convinced the SWAT has scared us from the game. We're made of steel, lest they forget.
9:39 - run up on bergman like scarface. Frightened by my presence, he trips and flounders on his back. It's all over but the tears of his loved ones...
Booya!
Smoking Aces
Game Updates/Player Stories
Pericynthionic Art
March 23, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 8:20 AM
I was just about to carve my face into the moon with a laser and then I realized that I hadn't updated the blog - I actually care about you guys this much - and I decided to do the moon carving some other time so I could hit you guys off with a lil update and some stories.
Aren't I freakin' sweet?
By now, those of your that are left are probably feeling mentally exhausted, you're dropping your guard now and then...growing confident in certain areas, probably beginning to fall into a pattern on your way to and from work...
How do I know this?
I too was once an apprentice assassin...I went through the same training as you did. Granted, I did a much better job of it...but still...I was once where you are. My advice - keep sharp, never let your guard down...the second you think you are safe is the second you're gonna get taken out. The field is dwindling daily...
Now I must to talk that scientist dude that was gonna hook me up with that totally sweet moon portrait to start the project over again...all thanks to you...sigh...I hope yer happy.
Ah, yes...there's a few of them player stories too...enjoy.
Death 2.0 ran a liquid software upgrade on Agent JG's lifedrive. System corrupted. JG wet.
The lone Spritz Pistol let fly a hot load (of water, of course) all over Agent JP's face. Bukkaked by water. Bye Bye Agent JP.
Kobra Kai Killer is a fucking one man ninja clan. Using his considerable stealth and tracking skills, he took out one of the (not so) arid Aquamarines. Semper Die, kids. I have a feeling KKK g'wan be aiming for another one of you cats soon...if you truly leave no man behind (hehehe...behind...) you will be joining yer fallen teamamte soon...
After days od drunken debauchery, Agent CH finally got sober enough to wet up Agent HH. CH went right back to drinkin afterwards - respect.
Oh hello. Have you all met the motherfucking kill leader Agent Oneshot BK? If not, likely you will soon. This freakin' MONSTER of a man is putting all you punks to shame. He is playing solo. He has 5 kills, one of which was a team. This cat is a one man Mesoscale Convective System and Agent DB was just in the eye of the storm.
The Flaming Dragons snuffed out the life-fire of Agent GL with a single stream from their little pistols.
Agent Thomas went fucking Delta Force on Agent LH...ain't no Black Hawk Down here...the only casualty was LH.
JF rocked his 3rd kill...catching up a bit to BK, by waxing Agent MG like he was the Karate Kid in training.
The Arcane Apaches waxed one of the most inventive Agents amongst you, Agent DM. This is the cat that made remotely detonated soaking devices and hooked 'em up to people's cars. Hm. I wonder if he will hook you up with the technology if you can find a way to contact him...
- Just so you know, I'm holding on to a couple of great stories for tomorrow...and I'll be giving you a little gift later today...
Until then, enjoy some stories...
Supreme Commnander
Shadow Government
*********************************************************************
Agent B "Oneshot" K strikes again! I just added DB as another notch on my bullet belt. After hours of staking him out at his work,
infilitating high security at Fox Sports, I made my way to the large second floor he works on. Keeping one eye on him at all time I blended in like any employee at Fox, finding things to do while watching him. Barely making it on to the smae elevator as Drew, he made the deadly error of trying to get to his car in the parking lot. I exploited the parking lot loophole and much to his surprise I killed him at close range with the intimacy only a professional knows.
Another card for the bulletin board.
BK
*********************************************************************
I shot JP([REDACTED]) this morning in his apartment.
He came out of the bathroom at 9.10 a.m. and got shot in his living room.
Why would his roommate leave their front door unlocked?
Viva la Shadow Governmente,
E.
a.k.a. Spritz Pistol
************************************************************************
2nd Place? FUCK THAT! BK? Buckin' Chicken, the Kobra Kai Killer is
comin' after you.
Supreme Kommander, let me have it my way and let me at him!
Oh yeah, the Kobra Kai Killer may not be addicted to nicotine, but
he's smoking fools left and right.
Agent NSC won't be bringing presents this year. Team Aqua Marines are short one butt pirate.
Kobra Kai Killer
*********************************************************************
I present the story of the fall of agent HH.
I didn't think I'd have this much stress in my life right now. Trying to hunt somebody down solo, stealth-style while simultaneously evading the attackers that may or may not be coming is a much more
nerve-wracking experience than I anticipated. The lack of sleep, the
missing of work for stalking - it's beginning to take a toll. Does
everybody feel this way? Or just everybody still alive?
I began surveillance on my subject lightly, driving by his house a few times and hiding behind the fence in the hopes that he'd make the cross from his front door to his ridiculously nice car. Once, walking around the block to see if the lights were even on, I got flagged down by a guy walking quickly around the corner. I froze with my hand on my piece on the inside of my coat, but he didn't make any moves, so I relaxed a bit. It turned out he just wanted me to buy him a 40 of High Life at the 7-11; they'd caught him stealing before. I figured this stakeout was a bust anyway, so I went and bought him the liquor. At least both our nights weren't total busts. Another night I went up to the next door neighbors to inquire, but I got the cold shoulder. Damn.
Realizing that his house was going to be quite the nut to crack
without a lot of stakeout time, I went to case his work area. Luckily, his office was ON a parking lot, so anywhere from his car to his stairway was fair game. I also discovered a contact hidden deep within his base. Using this all-seeing, all-knowing informant, I knew I could easily get the drop on him before he managed to claw open the door of his office. As I rolled up to make my first attempt, I saw his car parked about 40 feet away from the door, right next to the wall of bushes. Trying for the sneaky surprise attack, I found a pathway that led into the bushes covering the hill across from his office door. I made my way through odd tunnels, crawling through the detritus of angst-ridden film students' secret drinking spots, until I could make my way down the hill. Sliding into a spot that provided good views of the lot and the doors to the office, I scanned for his car. There were some vans in my way, so I figured it didn't really matter, I could just wait until he came out the door and watch the direction he took. My man on the inside told me he left at 5:30, so I settled into my perch at 4:30 in the event of early departure.
Hours begin to roll by ever so slowly with no sign of my mark. Every
door that opens jolts me upright in my hiding spot. The sun goes down. It begins to rain. Still I wait. I have to pee like crazy. I
consider trying some weird twister shit, rolling over to pee from a
pushup position, but abandon it when some more doors open. Still
nothing. More waiting. There are no discernible lights on in the
office. Still I wait; I'm sure that this next minute will bring my
opportunity for soaking. Finally, at 7:30, I call it a wrap and jump
out of the bushes, startling some film-dorks talking heatedly about
Fassbinder. I almost wet them out of sheer grumpiness, but I don't
want to make my presence felt any more than I already have. I decide
to take another shot the next morning.
On the way home I drive by his house just to see, and the goddamn car
is in the driveway behind the fence! He must have left really early.
Slacker.
Now in my heightened state of awareness, I'm exceedingly paranoid
about someone getting the drop on me. I check my rearview constantly
for tails, I give total strangers "the slip" using alleys, just to be
safe, I circle my block three times before getting to my apartment, and even then, I find a new street and hop two fences to get in the back way. If somebody IS tailing me, I hope they're damn confused at this point. I'm writing this email solely by the light of the monitor, as I don't want them to see any other lights.
All that said, I haven't seen hide nor hair of my assailant(s). No
calls, no cruises, nothing. I hesitate to even mention that because I don't want to draw more random heat, but it's very trying. I suppose the first time my target saw me was today, so somebody could be right on my ass.
This morning I roll out of bed at 6:30, knowing that my mark will
arrive for work at 9:30 like clockwork. I arrive at the film school at 7:30 (an assassin's morning ablutions take time) and stake out the
empty lot, trying to find the perfect place to hide between his
projected parking spot and his door. It's tough, because the office is a portable unit dropped on to a parking lot, so the spots are really close. I decide to pack my largest gun for maximum distance, though I don't want it to be a snipe. I want it to be up close and personal. I would prefer to use a water dagger, but I don't think ice counts and my waterpik got jammed on my retainer.
I pick an even better spot in the bushes, almost spitting distance to
the office. I'm wearing a large dark coat which covers most of me
nicely and blends with the ground because it fucking rained all night
last night. I go back to my car to get some plastic to sit on, pause
to reflect at my dedication, and crawl up in to the bushes once more.
At around 8, cars begin to roll in, some coming so close to me I'm
shocked they don't see me curled and cramped in the foliage. I
couldn't be happier with the position, it's close to the ground so I
can spring out and scare the shit out of him, and the sun's behind the building, so the shade doubles my cover.
Around 8:30 I have to take a shit, which is very annoying because I
just took one 20 MINUTES AGO but I guess this is how the stress affects me. I tough it out, distracting myself with the logistics of jumping out of this tangled briar patch without falling on my ass. People are continuing to come in, but no sign of dear ol' HH yet. I grow extremely nervous when the goddamn sun decides to come out from behind the building (cursed rotation of the earth!), but it doesn't seem to have much of an affect as people are continuing to park at my feet without looking up. One well-dressed woman inexplicably goes up to the dumpster and looks around before going back to her nice car and driving away. Spotter, or crazy lady? I'll never know.
9:30 comes and goes, no target. I would be cursing quite loudly if I
didn't need to stay hidden. I have a meeting at 11, but I stay until
10:30, the longest I can go and still make it to Glendale on time. I
call my contact-
ME: Is he even fucking there?!
DEEPTHROAT: Yeah. Oh, wait, let me check. No, he's not here yet.
I'll find out when he'll get in.
ME: Your shitty intel has failed me for the last time!
DEEPTHROAT: (choking sounds) He... gets in... at.... one....
ME: That's better.
I make my meeting, and bolt back to the school at noon. I can't get
back in the bushes without being noticed, so I formulate a plan b,
taking a spot on a bench above the lone road up the hill. I whip out
my notebook and try to look as pasty and prone to navel-gazing as
possible for camouflage. Car after car goes by, and I'm starting to
lose hope. I tell myself, "It HAS to happen now. There is no turning back. He has to die RIGHT NOW," which bolsters my resolve a little.
Finally, his fancy-ass Mercedes rounds the corner, and my body
trembles with joy and anticipation. I wait til he's past, then bolt
towards the parking lot he has to head to. I see him pull into a spot behind a van, right in front of the door. Clever boy, I think. I use the new cover to near-run to close the distance. I slow up until I hear his door slam, and then he's there, out from behind the van. I notice he's got two bags of videogames or something in his hands, which makes me hesitate for a second, cause I will shit myself if someone wets my new copy of FFXXIII or whatever they're up to now. Also, he doesn't look exactly like the dossier picture I have for him, so I say his name like I haven't seen him in a while. He looks up, and freezes as I pull out my cannon and dispatch him to Davy Jones' Locker, taking care to avoid the sacks of electronics which prevent him from putting up a defense.
He's so shocked, I can't help but feel for him. I clap him on the
shoulder and tell him that he should show up to the Drinks For the Dead to stay involved. He hands over his card and his information on his target, and I'm off like a shot, feeling the intense relief and joy that comes from finally killing someone.
All in all, it wasn't that pretty of an assassination. I had intended it to be John Woo but it came out Jack Ruby. I suppose sometimes you just have to let the kills happen the way they want to happen. Regardless, I've got two cards now and I intend to keep both of them. Hopefully I can get enough to where I can string them together like a necklace of ears.
END TRANSMISSION
*********************************************************************
Life seems so much duller, now that I'm dead. No peering over my shoulder. No more cautious entrances and back door routes. No more stairs on the way up and down. No more checking the peephole.I got out of the car and walked all the way around to the other side, didn't do a walk through with my gun in hand or check around corners. I took my time getting out, and made sure I got everything. I waited at the elevator, even though there were people around and it was taking a while. Now this water gun on my hip is starting to chafe. It occurs to me for the first time in over a week that I may look just a bit silly with this thing on.I went to the roof and had a cigarrette. I checked my mail before coming up. And now that I'm in my apartment, I'm bored. Dying puts a damper on everything.
I guess thats what you get for letting your guard down. Thats how you get hit with a water baloon in the parking lot. Didn't stay on the curb on the way to the car, I even set it on the roof and looked around to taunt anyone that might be around. There were no cars for 30 feet and no clear angles, anyone with a water gun would have had to come out and tipped me off, and I had superior firepower. Didn't factor in water baloons, dumbass. They travel in soundless archs while your back is turned. They splash your shoes and kill you. Now you gotta give your ID over to this tool box. No shoot out, no taunts, no threats. No new target.
No more avoiding the lobby. No more excuses to not do your laundry, or take out the trash. No more hiding out. No more checking your six and shaking a tail. No more lingering in the shadows tracking a mark. No more stakeouts in the car, or dinner across the street from the marks house. No more fun. Just work again.
*********************************************************************
Supreme Commander,
This is JS of team Flaming Dragon, emailing to confirm with u the kill of agent GL, also known as Da Spidermonkey on various of ur bullettin boards. I picked him off at his work Parking Lot. as he was saddling up to go home, i threw a water balloon directly at his feet. When it Burst he knew it was over and put his gun on his car roof. Raised his hands and turned around to congratulate me. He lookd at his feet which appeared dry so as he turned to reached for his gun i sprayed his entire spinal chord with my super soaker point blank. admitting defeat he gave up his card willingly.
Team Flaming Dragon
*********************************************************************
Ok, so I haven't made a kill in the first week and so I figure I'm out of the game. Want to post what I actually did do. Learned a lot, will be better next time.
Day 1 - I have a team (4 Aces) so I wait until the leader's are posted.
It's a long work day so this one is a wash.
Day 2. 8AM - Went to target's residence. Shit. Gated townhome.
Slip inside when a car goes in the gate. Double shit... attached
garages. Will have to lure him out if I want to get hime there.
But work calls, so only spend an hour casing the joint.
FROM WORK: Call his work. Receptionist doesn't know his
hours...transfers me to his number, but get answering machine - don't leave message.
10PM - Swing by his home after work. Again slip in the gate
after a car. Neighbor working on car...tell him I am thinking of buying the place for sale and ask a few questions...don't want to tip my hand with target. Watch his place for 2 hours, hoping he will have to take the garbage out or something. Can't think of any way to ring his door that wouldn't be too obvious. Everybody in this complex knows everybody else.
MIDNIGHT - Drive home. Circle the block 3 times looking for
suspicious cars. Park in my driveway, heart pounding. I have a
completely exposed walk down the driveway to get to my front door.
Bombing the obvious hiding places with water ballons, I race to my door, gun ready. No assassin.
Day 3 - 7 AM - Am really hoping to catch the guy on his way to work. At least I would know what kind of car he drives and when he goes in. Nice neighbor gives me code to get in gate. Have to take a break when bladder almost bursts (do real assasins just never have to pee?) Have to get to work again. Think his neighbors are beginning to notice me.....
AT WORK: Call target - number he gave is clearly a
cell. Hang up, can't think of any way to set him up. Check online
white pages and get his home #. Call. Get answering machine. Don't
leave message..
9:30pm - Go by his place again. Am planning to just
break a large plate outside his window and hope he'll come out to be hit before neighbors call police. Get to peak in windows. He has kids. All right....I don't want to scare someone's kids. I hang around for a few hours, then go home .
MIDNIGHT: Home again. NO sign of anybody again. Still flood
all my hidden side yard just in case.
Day 4 -8AM Drive to his work. Nice open parking lot - but large. Call his office. Get answering machine. Leave no message. Does this guy never work? Still not sure what kind of car he drives or when he'll be there.
11PM - Following the same routine to get into my house. Still no sign of assasin.
Day 5 -A long and busy work day - with bad traffic. Try his work on the way out on Friday, but the place is kind of dead. Still no sign of my assassin but can't be too careful.
Day 6 -Saturday. AM Have made an appointment with the realtor in the townhome. Take a friend along. Look at townhome..tour complex. No luck No one home at his place. Neighbor kid says his son has a sports thing.... Figure it will be a while. Lock his garage door from outside.
AFTER LUNCH . . Try delivering "Package" to front door. No
answer.
PM - My assasin makes an attempt! I have left my car door
unlocked. He honks my own horn. Calls and hangs up....rings doorbell. Am forming a plan to divert him with a garage door opening while sneaking up from the back entrance, but by the time my wine addled brain reacts he is gone.
DAY 7 - Sunday. I am totally stumped. Figure an all out go for it is all I've got.
9PM - well after dark. Go by his place. My plan is to just
hang around and see if maybe he will have to leave or take out garbage, but if not, will bang loundly on his childrens' windows and THAT will get him barrelling out of the house. It is VERY quiet. I can't do it. Don't want to give his children nightmares. Knowing that the kids' bedrooms are in the back, I tap on his front window. Wait. Again. Wait. Again. he hollars "who is that?"
I don't answer. Knock again. He shines flashlight out. I knock again. He yells "You better stop that right now or I'm going to call the police" Afraid that maybe I've been really stupid and targeted the wrong house, I call him.
Verify that he is my target. He says I have no right to come to his
house in the middle of the night. That he has children. Again
threatens police and then says he will send his wife out to kick my
ass. I say calling the police isn't the way they game is played and he should just come out shooting. He has as good a chance of getting me - as he has a recessed entry. After some verbal abuse back and forth he pretty much has convinced me he will call the police and that I am scaring his children. I tell him we are not playing the same game. At this point I am pretty sure that if I don't get him tonight I am out of the game. I make decision to concede. I believe that if I wanted to be an asshole, I could just bang on the kids' windows and he would have to come out. Tell him he is a weak jerk for hiding behind his wife and kids, and I'm going home for a drink. I really have given up at this point. Get in my car and drive to the gate. Get out to put the code in. He shoots me. I tell him he's an asshole and I am not playing with him. He asks for my card. I say he really really didn't read the rules, as he can only get his target's card. I go home, don't even look for an assasin, have several drinks and go to bed. Am no longer stalking the asshole.
SO: I SUCK at being an assassin, but am pretty good at being
paranoid. Would love to play again when I'm not working so
hard......would start out MUCH quicker at getting the target. Have to learn to be a lot more devious. Less waiting and more coniving. Lots of respect to all you accomplished killers out there....will catch up on all your exploits when work gets easier.
Thanks for the GAME!!
JN
*********************************************************************
Greetings,
I would like to report the wetting of target LH.
The hydration took place shortly before 7:30 pm this evening. Before I can describe how it went down, I'll need to provide some background.
My original target was a man named HB. I staked out H's
apartment and office in hopes of taking the poor, miserable, dry man out.
The first Monday of the game, I waited in the garden across from Hal's apartment for over five hours. Numerous people passed me by, including the owners of the garden, who I am glad did not notice the dark figure lurking in the greenery.
Despite many false alarms, I held fast. Finally, I heard the sound of a water gun pumping. I pushed my body flat against the wall, close to the ground. Suddenly, water came raining down into the garden - the target was taking precaution against a possible hit. Fortunately, the angle was bad and I was spared.
As the target and his lady friend entered the building, I took aim and fired. However, I soon learned that the man was not my target. The two people were my target's roommate and girlfriend. They invited me inside and we chatted for a while. Nice people. However, they now knew my hiding spot and also knew what I looked like. I thought I was in for a tough, tough time.
Fast forward to Sunday and suddenly I'm given a new target - the girlfriend, L. While I knew it was a disadvantage that she had met me, I thought I could maybe turn that in my favor.
Dressed in running gear, black warmup pants and windbreaker, I sat down on the stairs near my target's apartment. Soon enough, the door opens and the tenants slowly peer out, weary of their surroundings. I play it calm and cool.
They finally emerge from the door and step outside. After a minute of checking me out, they ask me if I am waiting for someone. I politely reply that I am waiting for my friend so we can go run. I hope they take the bait and go to their car.
Sadly, they return inside, closing and locking the doors. I worry that my chance has passed. However, I realize patience is a virtue and that I have not yet shown my hand.
A few minutes later, they reemerge. As they speak, I finally turn around and say "Oh, all right, is Hal around?" They ask who wants to know. I say "You two don't recognize me? I was here last Monday."
I show them my gun and approach. They recognize me and let me get near them. We all start chatting about Hal, how tough he is to find, and how much longer I might have to wait. They don't divulge too much information, which is understandable.
We talk for a few minutes and I notice Leah is holding a water balloon. I asked her if that was for me. She said that it was, before she knew who I was. I laughed and told her I was glad she had held on.
It was then that I raised my gun and unleashed my stream of cold, clear water upon her. She screamed in shock and launched the balloon at me, but it was too late. She had been tagged.
Neither one of them could believe that had been duped. They decided that they should have known better, but were lured into complacency. Too bad for them, especially Leah.
She has given me the information on her target and I have begun the process of hunting her down.
Staying Dry,
Agent Thomas
*********************************************************************
MG ([REDACTED]) is no longer with us. Tonight, he met the business end of my silver soaker, not unlike the many unworthy adversaries before him. In the end, his ultimate demise was mainly due to a failed security check by one of his thoughtless offspring. Security Rule #347: Always lock the front door. That way, some bad-ass, gun-toting, unrelenting, uber-dry assassin won't walk in and cap your daddy right in front of you. Pity it had to go down in front of the child, but no one ever said killin' was easy. Until next time...
Drip, drip..
Agent JF
*********************************************************************
Supreme Commander:
I beg your forgiveness for failing you not only by being eliminated, but by being eliminated without being able to claim a single kill. I have proven myself barely worthy to rinse your spitoon let alone serve you as an assassin.
Here's an embarrasing recap of the events that led to my demise...
I spent the day at the imprenetrable fortress of slightly less pitiful assassin g.w., who was hiding away elsewhere as I bravely waited to face him (while hidden in a darkened corner).
After I arrived at home I was plotting my next steps when I heard clumsy knocking on my door. I knew immediately it was the Grim Reaper himself, who I was certain to evade. However, my curiosity got the best of me and I peeked through the eyepiece. Outside, wandering aimlessly, were three so-called assassins carrying oversized supersoakers laughing among themselves. I immediately dialed some cohorts so I could create a distraction and get outside to a position where I could take them all out. Bad decision.
While I waited for the phone to pick up, I saw a civilian neighbor come to my door to slip a note inside - and was promptly assaulted by my assassins in a sad case of mistaken identity. He is now drying off at an undisclosed location (later, his note would reveal a warning of some goofballs with squirtguns wandering the building).
My cohort picked up the phone in the meantime and checked outside my door to let me know that the path was clear. I prepared to exit my hovel, but the moment I removed the covering from the crack under my door a volley of waterfire came through - one assassin was in a perfect position to get in one lucky shot. ONE LUCKY SHOT. While it was merely a flesh wound, I claimed defeat, and went outside to provide a victory to the "Arcane Apaches". Their egos boosted by the win, they proceeded to rape and pillage all of the residents of my community, including the men and elderly.
-soakthis
*********************************************************************
Game Updates/Player Stories
Fuckin' Ninjas.
March 20, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 10:10 PM
Evening, children...
Yer probably wondering why it has taken so damn long to get you a new posting...
Ninjas, man.
Fuckin' Ninjas.
After an early rise in the late afternoon, I supped on some tropical fruits fed to me by my servants and then I proceeded to climb the turrets of my Castle and I spent a few blissful hours training my Falcon. It was a nice start to a painful and heart breaking day.
The day was mostly uneventful...I spent most of it putting together a list of suckers that's gonna get some assassins "on they ass"...I was in good spirits and preparing ready to pen another fine entry for you. I decided to step outside for a moment to taste the stale NYC air I felt a premonition...like when you can smell rain in the air...wetness was upon me.
In one swift movement, using the years of training with the League of Shadows, I spun my body around and to the left, away from the killing stream, aimed dead at my heart, while at the same time drawing my primary weapon and firing two healthy shots towards the origin of the shots fired at me. As my eyes met the stream fired from my gun, I saw nothing. Empty air. There was no one there.
There is only one conclusion.
Ninjas again.
In my natural inebriated state I could take on 20 or 30 of them, but
I had the feeling they learned from their past mistakes and sent a few more against me this time.
I called for reinforcements. Only my friendly neighborhood crackhead (which some of you had the pleasure of meeting during pickup)came to help...and not a second too soon. Like cockroaches, the ninjas began pouring out of every crevice and alley in my hood. We fought them like hydrophobic dogs, after a good 20 minutes the onslaught was over...I surveyed the scene. There was not a dry body (save for mine) in sight.
My crackhead had fallen protecting me.
This injustice shall not go unavenged. Those responsible will be found and will pay! There will not be a dry body amongst them!!! My crackhead, I promise you vengeance!
*ahem*
Yes.
So...
About you kids...
First, as promised a little round up of the days kills:
Smoke&Mirrors rocked some David Copperfield type skills and magically appreared out of nowhere in the most unexpected place and smoked Agent NG, leader of Team Blakely. Another team falls...
The few, the arid, the Aquamarines. These cats used some high-end military training, stalked, hunted and finally met their target JD...who promptly gave up. Perhaps he was afraid of the feared Auamarine crotch shot.
The CHI squad reported their week's activities to me and in so foing saved a number of people from a brutal beating. Kudos, Chi-Squad.
Hydrophobia double drenched Agent KL. Homey denied the kill the first time, but rather than make a big stink about it, Hydrophobia just waxed him the next day. Class act kids.
Agent "Clumsy" DJ continued disassembling Team Post Mortem. From a team of three, now there is but one. Must be lonely and scary to be the only one left...I wonder if he will opt for death or revenge...
And now, as you have come to expect, player stories...
*********************************************************************
The Aqua Marines have assassinated JD at 11:05 PM on 3/19/06
Let us preface this kill report with the three steadfast rules that
an Aqua Marine lives by.
1. Never Get Wet
2. Always Shoot for the Crotch
3. Never leave a Marine behind
The preceding rules are born from the most important thing to an Aqua
Marine, and that is Honor. Our latest victim suffered from a disease.
A disease that holds no cure. Our victim had no Honor. He held no
respect for the Shadow Government and for the players of this game.
Our target did the unfathomable, he lay down his weapon and quit.
That is a word that the Aqua Marines had to ask someone to explain to
us because we do not understand such an insane concept...quitting.
Our target surely realized that there was nowhere to run, nowhere to
hide, and nowhere to stay dry. We had infiltrated his apartment
complex on numerous occasions, finding numerous holes in its weak
attempt at "security" and our target knew that during this game, he
had no home. We assume that our infiltration of his life completely
broke his will and led him to believe that he was truly alone on this
Earth, that is, unless he finally succumbed to the unquestionable
truth. He will get a pint of water to the crotch, and he will shame
himself further with tears of embarrassment.
Our target responded to one of our phone calls, where we normally
utilize military sonic weaponry, and he notified us of his foreign
concept of quitting. We promptly found him outside of a bar in
Venice, doused his crotch and cut his card in front of him, giving
him an dishonorable discharge from the game. This kill did not "wet"
the appetites of the Aqua Marines, but it did further reinforce our
belief that dousing the weak is a duty we will fulfill till we win
this war.
Semper Dry
*********************************************************************
THE CHI SQUAD: 1st week in review
Preproduction complete. Proceed to packet pick up, CHI style in the untraceable SQUADcar. Immediately begin recon on first Target. And what an easy target he is. He’s all over the web, like an open book. A website last updated Dec05 tells us about his dead pets, in order of their deaths, including the most recent hamster, HamStar III: the Reckoning. Holy crap. Somehow we find his parents address in Northridge, good to have as backup info (even if its crazy shit). Let the game begin.
DAY 1: AGENT DING DONG makes a trip to Target’s work. Entrance is somehow wedged between a newsstand, a Walgreen’s, a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and a handicap toilet. What the fuck? Later that night, team agrees to meet near his apartment, but first stop to do free wine tasting at the Whole Foods. Then pick up a can of soup (his favorite) and leave it as his door with note. His apartment is a fucking gated complex, but luckily we have sweet CHI skills that get us in through several breaches of security.
DAY 2: AGENT DING DONG heads to emergency room for non-game related injury. Spends 17 hours in county hospital. AGENTS CUPCAKE & NUTTY HO-HO provide backup letting Target know we haven’t forgot about him.
DAY 3: AGENTS CUPCAKE & NUTTY HO-HO scoped out Target’s apartment in the evening, but he manages to scurry in, like a little HamStar. We head home.
DAY 4: AGENT NUTTY HO-HO does a little solo work in the morning and watches the Target walk to the secured parking garage, gun drawn. Stay cool.. run around building to where he will have to exit and notice he has already made it into his vehicle. It’s cool. Now we know what he drives.
AGENT DING DONG is back in action. Scopes out Target at work where they are carrying out mysterious boxes and computer equipment. Are they sneaking him out in a giant box? He is small. hmm. AGENT DING DONG notices something interesting: vanity plates are a dead give away, even on heavy doses of pain meds! Team decides to convene at Target’s kickball game. Surely he won’t miss that. Sit through 2 complete games in what seems like 30 fucking degree weather. Teammates keep calling Target’s last name, strange, because it’s definitely not him. Turns out to be his brother. DAMN! He never showed. But nice, his brother tells us he’s working late and his company is moving to a new location. Wow, sucka!
DAY 5:
8AM Team decides to meets up at Target’s work. Shit! He’s already there. The sad coworkers (of our Target) are carrying their own computers out to their cars. Target must’ve paid a fellow coworker to move his shit cause he’s nowhere to be seen. AGENT DING DONG is tired of eating every meal in the car behind Walgreen’s, and also running out of quarters for the coin entry bathroom at the Coffee Bean. Seriously gotta consider buying the pee funnel. AGENT DING DONG (now knows ever neighbor that lives on the block around Walgreen’s, including the strangely fascinating lesbian couple with the 7 year old kid and the bronco…whoops! all those meds – who am I watching?) takes a short break and heads to another doctors appointment. Need more meds. 3PM back at Walgreen’s watching for the Target. 5:55PM our Target makes a mad dash for his car, but hard to see him because his super soaker is actually bigger than he is. He strategically parked his car one foot off the side walk (consider safe work zone) and was in the drivers seat before AGENT DING DONG could put down her pop-tart and open the door. Missed him but, AGENT DING DONG & NUTTY HO-HO race him across town, thru St Patrick’s Day traffic…cruising at times at speeds as high as 7 mph. Trying to beat him home. Lose him somewhere on SM blvd., but finally get into position at his apartment. It’s easy since we know Park La Brea like (insert relevant rap here). We know where he parks and he’s not home yet. We wait. 6:20 – 8:30PM lotta shit goes down. Mostly AGENT DING DONG surveying neighborhood bathrooms (Coffee Bean & Tea, Chevron, Sav-On, Mobile…damn must be all the pills). Then finally a sighting! Our HamStar (aka Target) scurries to his apartment from parking garage along path. We follow on foot. Had to make it thru the security gate, down the path, up some stairs, and into apartment lobby. He made it to the elevator before us. We catch the second elevator, but freakin’ lady gets on and we have to stop at 8th floor. Fuck, we missed him again! We get off at 9 just as his door slams shut. We put our ears to his door and all we here is a “flush!” We stake the hallway for a bit, but neighbors start giving us the eye as they come and go. We’re sweaty and decide to head to the SQUAD car and access the situation. Its freakin’ St Patricks Day and we think our Target MUST be getting ready to go out. We make a quick run to liquor store…buy some JACK and head back to our stalkin’ positions. Once again, roll right on into (the secured?) Park La Brea…they leave the gate open for yez there! What the fuck is the point of all the wasted FENCES! So we get an excellent parking spot and throw back a few shots to chills. This guy maybe allergic to air…will he ever come out again? Hours pass.
11PM AGENTS NUTTY HOHO and DINGDONG are turning into snackcakes in the freakin’ SQUAD car. We decide he must be going to sleep. After 9 hours in the car delerium sets in. That’s it for tonight. Sleep tight little HamStar. We’ll be back in the morning.
DAY 6: (THE CHI SQUAD REPORTING DEATH AT PARK LA BREA)
We head out, in the latest CHI SQUAD Car…borrowed, Oh yeah! That’s right…toward Park La Brea via the big war protest.
We get to the parking lot, Agent NUTTY HO HO searches for the Target’s vehicle, while the rest of us gear up with our weapons of mass destruction.
Excellent news, the Target’s car is not in it’s parking space, which we take to mean, not home!
Time to set up our stake out location, behind the blue dumpster. We listen to our stake out CD. The song “I Smell a Rat” is playing when we see his car pull into the lot.
It’s GO time bitches, and I find myself freaking out and therefore telling everyone to CHILL! Agent NUTTY HO HO hides behind the hedge outside of the parking garage door. Agent DING DONG is back up around the corner. I (Agent CUPCAKE) watch the entrance in case the Target turns to run. Target takes his time, but we’re ready. As soon as he steps out of the garage, HO HO is all over him, hitting him in the face, chest and his F’ing, French fries! Just stepped out for lunch?! and WHAM! It’s ovah! He’s wet and there is GAME BLOOD (H20) EVERYWHERE. Here’s a tip: Don’t play this game if you have VANITY PLATES!
We stop to reflect, but only for a moment. We throw back a few shots of JACK and discuss his last words: “Nice hit!” Damn right.
The team heads straight to the new Target’s home and scope out the lay of the land.
DAY 7: we seemed to have a new assassin looking for us. Good, cause those bitches before were starting to bore us. We totally get stalked but little does he know we’ve got a good look at his vehicle and his 5 o’clock shadow. spend the rest of the weekend googling and drinking whiskey to stay calm. it’s amazing how the whiskey and adrenaline combo works! we are now officially all converted whiskey/bourbon drinkers.
DAY 8: guess we’ve been staying low, a little too low. We haven’t been emailing the SG as much as we should have. Now we know to update them everyday with all of our details so they don’t think we’re just sittin’ back and snacking. Check out the postings and get pissed at the blog by some hardcore bitch. We start talkin’ shit and now have made 2 new enemies: her and Matrix coat girl. Maybe we should stay off the blog for a while. Drink more whiskey. Ok better now. Time to rest. Damn, we trippin!
*********************************************************************
A Night of Hunting
Or
The Great L.A. Circle
(some minor details have been changed to protect the guilty and/or
make the story more exciting)
After extensive research on Team Blakey, it was decided that Smoke &
Mirrors would follow a decapitation strategy and gun for special
target Agent NG.
Agent NG is very active in his local church (church band, youth group
leader, etc.), so a plan was floated to take him out at his place of
worship. Mordeth rejected this plan, as he was afraid of going to
Hell. I know that we are already there, so I have no fear. Instead, we headed to his home in beautiful Highland Park.
Upon arriving at his house, we discovered Agent NG was not at home. A
large group of young men were hanging out a couple of doors down. One
of them saw our guns and yelled out, "Hey, Streetwars! NG's not home."
Mordeth replied, "We know that".
Young man: "Give me ten bucks and I'll tell you where he lives."
Mordeth: "We know where he lives."
Young man: "O.K. I'll tell you where he went."
A bribe changed hands.
Young man: "He went to see my sister in Canoga Park."
Me: "Ah, the lovely Jay. What do they usually do?"
A hard stare from the young man and another bribe changed hands.
Young man: "They like to hang out at the Coffee Bean in the Westfield Mall."
Mordeth and I got into my car, popped "Felt 2: A Tribute to Lisa
Bonet" in the cd player and jumped onto the 101, heading north.
We got to the mall, only to find that there is no Coffee Bean there.
One of the locals pointed us towards a Starbucks located in the mall
parking structure. We rolled passed the Starbucks and saw Agent NG's
car parked outside. I dropped Mordeth off around the corner to act as
backup and circled back to park outside of Starbucks. I could see the
target and his girlfriend Jay (who is just as lovely in person as she
is in Smoke & Mirrors intel photos) through the front window.
Since Starbucks was going to serve as Canoga Park's stand in for
Sparks Steak House, I decided to leave the heavy weaponry in the car
and went in with only my back up pistol held behind my back. I don't
know if it was my determined stride or the glint of bloodlust in my
eye, but Agent NG made me and drew his gun. However, in his
excitement, his first shot went wide and I quickly gave him two to the chest. Team Blakey is eliminated.
Agent NG gave us his dossier on his target, Agent AH. He told us that
she rarely did anything but go to work and go home. The night was
young, so we decided to check out her house near LAX. We hopped back
on the 101 to the 405. During the drive, inspired by our last victim's faith, we discussed WWJD? and then moved on to a subject closer to our hearts, WWTMD? (What would Tony Montana do?). From there, we moved on to the global economy, the war in Iraq, and the feasibility of helping the Supreme Commander organize Streetwars Baghdad.
We arrived at Agent AH's house and found a black Dodge truck (which
Agent NG said he believed was the target's car). Mordeth and I posted
up in the carport to decide our strategy. The target's house is
directly under the LAX flight path, so we timed our conversations to
coincide with the low flying planes passing overhead. As we were
planning, we saw headlights coming down the driveway and we ducked
into a small space between a car and some overhead storage bins so as
not to be seen by neighbors and tip off the target. From our hiding
place, we had a very small opening through which we could see out. The car parked at the other end of the carport and a couple got out. As the couple passed by our peek hole, we realized that the woman was our target (she looked very different from her dossier photo, which I
don't fault her for – disguise is an important tool for an assassin).
By the time we were able to extract ourselves from our hiding place,
she was already safely inside.
We tried the Jehovah's Witness approach again, which failed (I suppose it would be too much to ask to have two targets leave their doors unlocked). By then, it was obvious to her that we were there, and that she wasn't going to come out, so we made a couple of harassing phone calls and headed home. We drove a couple of blocks to the 105, which we took to the 110 to the 101 and back to our Eastside hideaway, having completely circumnavigated L.A.
Agent AH, be warned. I'm coming for you. If you leave me an offering
of cachaca and a cigar, I may let you live one more day.
Exu
Smoke & Mirrors
*********************************************************************
Dearest Supreme Commander and Mustache Commander,
I write you filled with pure rage. Rage only a true assasin can carry in her heart. My dedication and love for you has been absolute and my desire to kill all is unrelenting. I will do anything you ask me to do, donkey punch, hot carl, kill kevin, you name it. I am an assasin thru and thru and today I killed a [REDACTED].
KL is our second kill. My partner and I arrived at Mr. L's home at 6am, we parked our car a few houses down from his and waited vigilintly for him to exit. At 7:42am We saw him walk down the street away from our car. We preceded to slowly follow him as he walked a few blocks to his car. We slowed and I rolled down my window and emptied my super soaker on his lovely work outfit. Awe, all wet for you big day in the office? He pulled out his fucking wimp 6 inch range gun and watered the sidewalk. To assure proper wetting, my partner, who was driving the car, jumped out and drained his
super soaker all over his punk ass. [REDACTED]
He is a wrinkled, streched, gangreen infested vagina. And I'm pretty sure he has crabs. Oh and we think he owns a scooter, which means he doesnt have a penis. No matter, he is wet. He is dead.
*********************************************************************
Tuesday –
7:00pm I’ve finished the necessary preparations, and am ready to make my first attempt on my target. As I am about to leave I notice a strange car slowly passing my house. It stops down the street and lets a couple of assassins out. I grab the IR goggles and head to the roof for a better view.
8:00pm I see them getting into position in a field near my car. I decided to let them sweat for a spell.
8:45pm Sent a decoy to my car to rummage around for something. Sure enough, the would be assassins jump out and hose down the decoy. I attempt to spray them down from the roof, but they are out of range. I hop down and jump in my car. A pursuit begins. I get them cornered in a side street, get a good look and license number. That’s all I need for now, I have killin’ to do.
10:00pm I arrive at my mark’s house, damn a 3rd floor townhouse with limited hiding, parking and access in general. I attempt to rush the door and he gets me in the chest. See you in 24 hours.
Wednesday-
6:00pm One of my assassins arrives at work and tells a coworker his real name, and that he is waiting for me. I head out front and tell him to leave. I assume he’ll be at my house when I get there.
7:00pm I arrive home, after taking some undisclosed safety measures, I send a recon agent, (unarmed of course) to check a popular hiding spot. Sure enough he’s there. He is sure I am in the back seat of my car, but I’m not. I hose him down from my hiding place, and head to my targets house.
9:00pm-2:00am Stakeout my target from his balcony, the cold is getting to me. Seems as though everyone is home and in bed. Five hours wasted.
Thursday-
5:00am-8:15am Return to stakeout position. Damn it’s cold in the AM, and I gotta get to work.
5:00pm-1:00am Stake my target out from his balcony again. Watch his roommates watch television. Drink a 40 of the good stuff. I know he’s coming. Recon agents call form Del’s saloon, he’s there. I hop in the car and drive dangerously to Del’s. I nearly arrive, and the phone rings. Recon reports he’s on the move. I flip a bitch and lead him back to his house. I’m one off ramp ahead, and the lack of sleep and the 40oz, and hitting me.
1:25am I ditch my car on a side street and race back to my position on his balcony. I see him pull in. Consider bombing him from above with a grenade…a miss would surely scare him off and really piss me the fuck off. I decide to wait. After what seems like an eternity, my mark is nearing his front door and my line of sight. He slowly approaches and I end him. He doesn’t have an ID card.
Friday-
Take the day off of killing to enjoy a party at my house.
Saturday
7:00am Check out my new target(s) homes. Both have heavy exposure, should be easy kills.
4:00pm Pull up on one of my targets houses. He walks out front, sees me and jumps back in the house. I casually enter a neighboring apartment building, then sneak back to the back seat of my car. After a short while he decides its safe and heads out. He looks nothing like his photo; even with binoculars I’m not sure. I make the call. He reaches for the pocket. Target confirmed. I dive out the car and come across the street guns blazing. I missed. A foot pursuit begins. Pumpin and running, my soaker got him strong in the back, I head to Casa Vega for some salsa and beers.
6:00pm Saturday-Present 9:00pm Monday. A serious cold has taken me out of my killing game, leaving me bedridden and helpless. I wonder if a cunning assassin poisoned me?
*********************************************************************
Hello Supreme Commander,
Agent Clumsy here to report the fortunate death of JK. Silly
hack decided morning time was safe to stand on a corner awaiting Little Pants' pick up.
I stealthily floated up and simply drew faster. He gave a good shot of water, but to no avail. He was already dead.
Team Post Mortem is slowly being disassembled.
Agent Clumsy
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Game Updates/Player Stories
Eschatology, Bitches!
March 20, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 10:01 PM
The Day of Reckoning is upon you suckers...
As was CLEARLY stated when you first started the game, you *MUST* make a bonafide attempt on another or be removed after the first week.
Well, at midnight tonight the first week of the tournament is complete and those of you that haven't done what you were supposed to do will be like *totally* pimp-slapped out of the game.
[some exceptions may be made...IF you actually put work into wetting your target...if you DO NOT get an email from me kicking you out of the tournament, consider yourself spared]
You are poor excuses for assassins...seriously, it kinda makes me physically ill just thinking about you. I can feel the bile rise in the back of my throat with each letter I type writing about you and your non-exploits.
*spit*
Even that can't get the foul taste of your lack of skills out of my mouth...it's like a mixture of cheap booze and hooker-spit. Is it really so hard to find someone and wet them? Actually, not even wet them - just *try* to wet them? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Entry into the world of professional assassins requires, at the minimmum, dedication...dedication you must not have.
Go back to the comfort of your couch...find the nice impession of your ass and nestle in it once again, eat your Doritos and kick back and relax. Watch the action shows on TV and movies and rest easy knowing that if you were ever in that situation, you would fail, just as you did now.
Like your parents, I am disappointed in you.
Perhaps, next time you will be more agressive and dedicated.
Sigh.
Despite my repugnance at your lack of wetting, it pains me to see you go, as I would have liked all of you to have experienced the thrill of the hunt. Alas, it is not to be...this time...
To those of you that made it past the first week, I offer my heartfelt congratulations. No easy feat to last this long...many have fallen to the liquid justice doled out by their fellow competitors...and more will soon fall by the hand of my personal assassins.
OH!
Did I forget to mention?
Today is also the day I am releasing my personal assassins on you, the remaining players. So, if your killer is being a bit lazy or if you are on a team and haven't felt the fear of being hunted...well...that will soon change. In the coming days you will come to know them well...I might even give you clues to their identities...maybe...
...and so the end begins...
Now, kills for the weekend
You cats were prolific on Saturday, but it seems Sunday you rested.
This is not a bad thing. I'm kinda happy to see that I am not dealing with a bunch of godless pagan heathens.
Sunday is supposed to be for worshipin' or drinkin'. I generally choose the latter.
But I digress...
Although there is a dearth of stories, it pleases me to no end that some of you have chosen to rock us some art...and so, here shall it be exhibited.
I am a connoisseur of fine art and fine bitches...and as I'm not gonnna be sharing my bitches with any of you disease ridden animals, I figger I might as well class you up a bit and share some of that art.
Enjoy.
*********************************************************************
By Agent ZS
*********************************************************************
I see there are those who are weak and feel the need to supply the Shadow Gov't false information to make up for their own carelessness in keeping themselves alive. How ignorant can they be to assume that the almighty Shadow Gov't does not have immediate access to their information. How much conceit must they have to not realize that as a result of their transgression(s), theat their very lives and every second they remain dry is only because you allow it. Perhaps, as a test of my worth you could find it in yourself to allow me to act as your hand striking down those who doubt the reach of your power.
About me? I am simply a "retired" ronin (Temporarily stowed my guns 10 years ago) looking to come out of "retirement" from the bush leagues, to prove my worth.
*********************************************************************
My assassins are a trio of blind, deaf and dumb-ass no talent HACKS!
Theirpathetic attempts at reaching me have been very entertaining. I
never knew Icould be so talented atcontrolling a trio of MEAT
PUPPETS! They have eagerly jumped through every last hoop I have
presented, only to say "thank you sir, may I have some more!" I have
sent them on a wild goose-hunt and yet they have no idea they are being
led by the nose; meanwhile, I am free to stalk my next victim and smoke
a few martinis... I hope their assassins fail to kill them for a
while'cause this is just too much damn FUN!
Dance monkeys, DANCE!
;)
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Esteemed SC,
Thanks for the shout out tonight. In response to our quietness, well, we are learning the value of protecting (dis)information. Alas, our current Target: JS, is turning out to be a tough weasel of a player... although he has stole the momentum that was our killing
spree, he has educated us about how to be a better Assassin.
We have staked him out repeatedly, but the little bastard is so safe
that it is impossible to get to him. Particularly since the shrimp
never leaves the brine of his hovel. Our one brush with him over the
course of several days of surveillance follows:
We arrive at the target's house. A couple hours after careful
surveillance, my partner comes to feed me and offer support. Just as
she arrives, a car pulls into the target's driveway.... the driveway
has a back entrance to the house. I recognize an opportunity when it
arrives and immediately hit the pavement for a walk by... real casual
like.
As I pass the drive way, a small car sits with the back door open...
the target is in the back seat arguing with his Lover (not that there is anything wrong with that) who is standing in the driveway... two unidentified women are in the front. I hear a snippet of the conversation confirming the target:
".... I am sooooo over this 'game.' You are gonna get your ass inside
now. I am sick of this"
"No. I need to be safe. Do your part"
I want to pop the guy... but this homie plays by the rules and knows
the target is safe in the car. Plus, I don't want to waste water just to blow my cover. I pull into the neighbors bushes and wait to hear his exit... but strangely hear no other car door closing. Then the car pulls out. I am confused. I wait until the car pulls away... and head back up the street to find the very large gay lover literally doing a perimeter check while on a cell phone.... FOR 15 MINS!
Then another car arrives. The bastard is so damn careful he switches
out cars and has drop offs. This kid has too much time on his hands.
I realize this might be my only moment. I hit the concrete again... as I walk by the driveway it is blocked by the VLGL who eyes me very
suspiciously... the target sitting in his car. I decide to eject
rather than blow cover.
Over the next several days, after hours and hours of repeated
surveillance (the worst bout between 1:30am-3:00am Saturday) the guy is either never home, or never comes out. A large cat mouse game ensues after I go through his garbage one night to see if I can find a lead. I get a name off of a receipt next to a broken water gun.
[REDACTED]
END
*********************************************************************
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Game Updates/Player Stories
Call the Coroner [Weekend Update]
March 19, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 10:46 PM
There's gonna be a lot of slow singin' and flower bringin'...
The first week is nearly done and almost 1/3 of the competitors have been eliminated. We're right on track...
Now you ki