Where The Supreme Commander At?
My Vacation and The End of The Internet
April 24, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 9:39 AM
Ahhhh…
It is nice to be back.
Pardon for the absence, but I took a much needed vacation...
After the shock and slow recovery from my death, my pain and ire was significantly increased by an attack on the Shadow Government mainframe computer by representatives of Kim Jong-Il and the DPRK.
I became SO FRIGGIN angered at the internet’s douchebaggery that I was seriously about *this* far away from pulling the plug on the entire internet...but I thought of you my assassins...
I thought of you, unceremoniously dumped back into the humdrum existence of your everyday lives, sitting in front of your computers at your places of employment, wasting precious company time surfing the internet for mild diversions...and my heart melted...how could I take your lives as assassins AND the simple pleasures of the internet away from you in one fell swoop?
Even my cold, black heart is not that unfeeling.
And so, I decided to remove myself from the situation, chill out a bit and go to my island in the South Pacific, away from all technology, and recharge and recover there, in the company of my full harem.
I have returned invigorated and drained of a significant amount of semen.
With my return, there shall be more postings…finally giving closure to the Los Angeles tournament.
There is much that was not fully revealed and posted during the course of the game…it shall be revealed in these forthcoming postings...
Tomorrow morning you will have the list of LA tournament winners, along with a video, a story and pictures.
Now, you will have to make do with laying your eyes upon the words that won for Best Story.
Enjoy...
All respect goes to Agent JS for the story...and extra respect for not even being there to pick up your prize - we passed it amongst all the assassins, so everyone could taste your victory.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
*********************************************************************
HOW TO "DESSERT" YOUR ASSASSINS
~ OR ~
TEAM I4I EATS HUMBLE PIE
I am an actor. I live and work in Hollywood. Many of the other StreetWars players in the current game are also associated with the entertainment industry in various ways. This was certainly true of my first assassin, CB. Lets just call him: Mr. Blitz...
Monday, March 13, 2006: StreetWars had officially begun!
Around 11:00am my cell phone rang informing me I had a new voice mail. It was a brief and cryptic message stating that my assassin was currently stalking me at my home. Quite surprisingly, the incoming telephone number was not blocked. I returned the call...
"Hello, Interactive Advertising Blah Blah Blah..."
Numb-nuts called me from his office! A little web-searching and I soon knew his work info.
We are getting ready to re-landscape our front yard so I spent the next few hours outside happily working on the house. Approximately 5:00pm that evening my cell phone rang informing me I had a new voice mail. It was Mr. Blitz claiming to have spent the last six hours in front of my house stalking me. Strange that I didn't see him. The number looked quite familiar so I returned the call...
"Hello, Interactive Advertising Blah Blah Blah..."
Genius!
The next morning I received a number of messages from various casting contacts, including my Agent, informing me that there was an odd posting to the casting breakdowns which read:
"Would anyone representing an actor by the name of JS please contact us at this number: (XXX) XXX-XXXX"
The number looked quite familiar so I... Well, you can probably guess!
I quickly called up a good buddy of mine who also happens to be an excellent actor and asked him if he would like to pretend to represent me. Within a few minutes we had created the "Judith Berstein Agency" and he had become my new fake agent/manager. Lets just call him: Agent-Mighty.
Agent-Mighty contacted Mr. Blitz and, naturally enough, Mr. Blitz bought it hook, line and sinker. And why wouldn't he; after all, it was his idea to contact us in the first place! Agent-Mighty was friendly and eager to assist Mr. Blitz in setting up a fake voice-over audition as well as a fake MTV shoot. Mr. Blitz believed every damn word he heard from Agent-Mighty. Mr. Blitz was sure he was going to get me. Mr. Blitz is a punk-ass idiot.
Mr. Blitz, assured of his own brilliance, contacted a girl-friend at MTV who was also happy to help him set me up. Right on cue I received an e-mail from Ms. MTV that stated:
- - -
Hello JS,
AR, whom I think you may have met last weekend downtown, has approached my office at MTV about covering the water war for broadcast on our network. We have since secured rights to film the content and would like to begin sometime in the next week or two. I am a Producer for MTV Networks and am conducting interviews with "Assassins" and "Government Agents" alike.
I received your email from the "Shadow Government" as a potential participant. We wanted to touch base and see if you are still in the game (haven't been sprayed already) or if you already have some stalking stories to share. We obviously won't let our crew get in the way of game play and will keep them totally out of the scene. On the onset, if you feel more
comfortable with a phone interview, I understand. In the future though, we may also want to outfit players with hidden body-cams so we can catch footage without interfering.
Let us know if you are interested or if you have stories you'd want to share.
Thank you for your time,
Ms. MTV
- - -
Well, who could possibly resist such an invitation?!? I contacted Ms. MTV and assured her that I was most definitely interested. I thought: Mr. Blitz is going to be so pleased...
NEWSFLASH: Mr. Blitz gets shot dead in his own home!
I will spare you the gory details of Mr. Blitz demise, suffice it to say he needs to learn to close his damn doors at night... I now had a new assassin: Team I4I. Fortunately for me, Mr. Blitz shared everything he "knew" about me, my fake agency and my completely manufactured shooting schedule with the new assassins. Without realizing it, he had become my unwitting accomplice and mouthpiece to Team I4I... He so completely believed in Agent-Mighty that he shared with us everything he had learned about his (now my) assassins. Thanks buddy!
Here are some excerpts from Mr. Blitz e-mails to Agent-Mighty:
- - -
Yeah, so I was killed last night so now I am out of it... I was just trying to survive until Friday so we can get JS...
...I am so mad. Really upset with myself. I had it all set up and was careless and now am the big loser...
...I really appreciate all your help. Even though, I am a f-ing idiot!!!!!
- - -
Amen.
Agent-Mighty and I were able to send I4I on some fun wild-goose chases including a visit to the St. Patrick's Day parade where they believed I was performing as a leprechaun or some such thing. Agent-Mighty informed Mr. Blitz who subsequently informed I4I that I would be working on a film in Redondo Beach all weekend. Suspecting me of cheating, I4I contacted the Shadow-Government. It never dawned on them that they were being lead by the nose... away from me! Meanwhile, I was safely stalking my assigned victim.
I will say this for Team I4I, they are a pair of persistent mother-fuckers! They are casing my home almost constantly. It is a damn good thing I have a few tricks up my sleeve so they don't know if I am home or not... unless I want them to! They even followed a decoy car to go "shopping" while I was outside having a BBQ!
Mmmmm, tasty BBQ...
Team I4I also work in the entertainment industry and decided to pursue the MTV angle started by Mr. Blitz. After all, they had no way of knowing that I already knew it was all a setup. The prettier half of I4I contacted me pretending to be Ms. MTV. Lets just call her Ms. Fake MTV... "Why, yes, Ms. Fake MTV, of course I am still interested in your project..." After numerous phone calls and e-mails we arranged a time and place. What a surprise it was to learn they wanted to "shoot" me at the very production company where I4I's team leader works...
They attempted a few other shallow tactics as well: trying to enlist my neighbors help, sending a decoy assassin, car shopping, etc... All obvious ploys and easily circumvented. Their one good shot at me was still the MTV interview.
Well, the MTV interview was today; unfortunately, at the last minute I was unable to attend. A truly shocking turn of events, I know! However, I did leave them with a small token of my most sincere esteem: A letter and a small pastry.
Here is my letter to team I4I, edited to protect the ignorant:
- - -
My Dearest R, G, and C (Blitz),
~ OR ~
My Precious P/T, Fake C/Car Girl and Meat Puppet,
~ OR ~
Yo’ Blind, Deaf and Dumb,
(yeah, that’s it!)
Oh, my darlings, it truly saddens me to inform you that your pathetic attempts at “shooting” me today will have to go unrewarded. Well, not entirely unrewarded: I have sent a small pastry to show my sincere appreciation for the top-notch entertainment I have derived from watching you jump through so many of my hoops! The sweetness of the cake will surely help to counteract the bitterness of your obviously transparent, failed attempts at entrapment.
C’s over-zealous and seriously under-thought tactic to enlist the aid of my Agency was so obvious as to actually be CUTE. (Yes, you are a cutie, aren’t you dumb-boy!) Dude, I am an ACTOR; of course I would see the breakdowns... (yikes!) It was truly a shame you died so soon, I was having quite an amusing time playing puppet-master. Maybe try locking your doors shut from now on?!?
NEWSFLASH: There is NO SUCH THING as the Judith Berstein Agency. I made it up! Did you ever, even for the briefest of moments, think to try a little research? R (aka “Agent Mighty”) is simply a fellow actor and a close friend. He is also a friggin’ genius for the way he had you eating out of his hands…
!!! BRAVO !!!
With C as an unwitting accomplice, it was fantastically fun and easy to send Team I4I on a few wild-goose chases… Enjoy the parade? Well, did ‘ya??? I actually was at Nacional that night just to see if you would show up, don’t know why you couldn’t find me.
G, sweety, perhaps you should consider buying that old Dodge after all. True, it doesn’t run, but I guarantee you will get far more mileage out of it than from your lame-ass acting skills. Could you see me making faces at you while you were at the front door? Could you hear me laughing? I thought about drenching you right then and there, but the shameless display of shockingly bad acting had me absolutely spellbound. Your impersonation of CL was so insulting, she ought to slap you. It’s a damn good thing you have your looks…
R, buddy… Cheating? You have the unmitigated gall to accuse ME of CHEATING?!? I am truly shocked and offended! Take a bloody wild guess at just who’s idea it was to say I was shooting in Redondo Beach in the first place… Then again, you seem to believe a lot of what you hear from C, and we all know what a phenomenal intellect he is… I suppose I can’t really blame you, you’re the kind of guy who thinks Dodgeball is clever.
(hated it!)
Were you actually trying to enlist the aid of my neighbor? Really??? There are already two of you and only one of me. Heck, counting the help you got from C there are… well still just two of you actually, um, never mind… I can't possibly be THAT difficult to find. Just come up to my door… AND KNOCK! Then again, I doubt I would answer; after all, it isn't my job to make this game EASY for you. Instead of false accusations of cheating, perhaps you would be better served using your energy to simply play the game, you no talent hack of a clueless assassin. Yeah, that’s it dude, just keep walking around my block. No, really, you don't look suspicious at all!
After you and G oh-so-subtly (sigh…) snuck up to my front door, I could easily hear you talking behind my neighbor’s hedge. Maybe you should learn to use your “quiet voices”… Later, I walked RIGHT PASSED YOU on the sidewalk! HELLO?!?
(astounding!)
While you were busy “shopping” at Cost Plus, I was outside having a tasty BBQ.
Thanks to our Blitz-brained friend I have known who you are since the very start; moreover, I know where you work and where you live. I wonder if a special award is given for hunting down your own assassins? I guess we shall see…
Well, my sweet little kiddies, the time has come for me to take my leave of you. Please be sure to stop by once in a while and say “Howdy”, it’s getting kinda lonely over here…
Enjoy the cake!
Big Wet Sloppy Kisses,
JS
- - -
The cake was a delectable little white-rum number with flowers and leaves all over it, and in the center, written in scrumptious chocolate frosting were the words:
EAT ME, SUCKERS!
And I most sincerely hope they did, it was a truly excellent cake.
Where The Supreme Commander At?
Death March
April 8, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 11:21 PM
Ok.
You guys are either punk-ass bitches or bitch-ass punks, the whole friggin' lot of you.
I'm gonna make this shit MAD easy for you...
In about 20 minutes I'm going on a 1 mile walk from the Downtown Standard hotel to some party.
Come and get me bitches.
Oh...
And de-viginize your eyes with some hotel room action.
Where The Supreme Commander At?
Room Number #
April 8, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 10:17 PM
1105
Bring liquor.
Oh...we'll be moving eventually, I'll let you tools know where we're going before we move.
I want to die tonight.
Where The Supreme Commander At?
So a Priest and two snack cakes walks into a...
April 8, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 8:19 PM
Supreme, still high and dry, chilling with the Chi Squad.
Come and get us suckas!
Where The Supreme Commander At?
Sundries
April 8, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 3:48 PM
I've given you so many clues, but you continually bore me. And this room is beginning to stink of cheap sex and booze, and so I must roll... I will give you another hint.
I'm taking a little field trip to a local discount retailer, you know the one... Target? I'll be the one strolling between the one-hour photo and the lubricant section.
see you at the checkout suckas!
Where The Supreme Commander At?
Sick Room
April 8, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 3:26 PM
I'm sick as fuck and yet I still came to see you tools...but it seems yer too lazy or too domb to find me...
Here's some intel on my room number:
Bavaria
1776
Clandestine organization
Where The Supreme Commander At?
Lowering the Standard.
April 8, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 9:41 AM
Frankly, I'm disgusted.
Your attempts at soaking me are, shall we say, unimpressive. I've been running in the streets, shouting, "here I am! The Supreme Commander! Come and get me, you pathetic excuses for assassins!"
But nothing.
So, in the interest of moving the game along, I'm going to hook you up with another piece of the puzzle:
Your royal Supremeness is comfortably ensconsced in the Standard.
Lay siege, bitches.
Another piece of long-delayed intel - the wrap party will be at
Belmont Cafe
747 N. La Cienega Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90069
310 659 8871
I expect you all to lay out your best women and blow. To recap for all you lazy muthafuckas that haven't been paying attention, you can expect:
Original kill order revealed, with everyone's pictures posted on a wall, so you can see just who WAS Kobra Kai, and how far were you removed from say... BK.
Awards ceremony
Free make out sessions with the Stache (and Supreme will be accepting HJs)
Hopefully one of you will have shown sufficient brains and sack to have actually made an attempt on me by then.
Where The Supreme Commander At?
Hollywood here I come.
April 7, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 3:46 PM
Heard the best hookers and cocaine are here in Hollywood.
I shall put this to the test now, perhaps grab me some chinese food and a movie while i am at it.
Any of you care to join me?
Where The Supreme Commander At?
Snore... snore...
April 7, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 11:23 AM
Sigh. I know I not suppose to make it easy on these first few days, just so that I can make sure whoever wins this, is no punk. But this is just fucking pathetic. I'm currently RATHER near, the Starbucks. I can see it from my window nice and easy. Perhaps some of you tools might come by?
Ok... enough for now... head hammering from too much drinking...
ps: Please don't make me embarrase you by resorting to hour by hour, location specific updating. If I don't see anyone come close by the end of the day, I might do that. But know this now, when that happens, that would be an indictment of your lack of skills.
Where The Supreme Commander At?
LAX and the Future
April 6, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 9:25 AM
I have to thank all of you that came to LAX to greet me...I saw some of you around...and you kids definately saw me, although you may have not realized it...
Did you know that they do not let you take water guns on a plane? Not even in your carry-on luggage?!
I knew this.
So, knowing that I would arrive unarmed and would have to leave the airport without weapons, did you think I might be wearing a disguise?
It made me snicker seeing you kids eyeing passengers intently and fidgeting with your weapons...is it possible for you children to be more obvious? You're a bunch of rank amateurs, barely worthy of the title "assassin".
Well, bad/good/bad news for you tools is that now that I'm armed and dangerouser, I likely won't be rocking a disguise...unless I'm hunting you.
Yeah...I'm a bit bored and frankly disgusted by your lack of subtlety, so I think I might go hunting some of you this evening...though Deja Vu Showgirls is also an enticing prospect for the evening...hmmm...perhaps a tour of strip clubs...we'll see how I feel later - killy or horny.
Also, I'll let you know this...I'm not going to be using the internet connection at my hotel. I will be going to internet cafes to make postings. Like now for example I'm in a Starbucks at:
444 South Flower Street
Suite #170
Los Angeles, California 90071
(213) 622-4493
I'll be in the hood for another 45 minutes or so...then off to see my Agent.
Hahahahha...
All my postings will come from Starbucks. I hate their fucking coffee, it is an affront to real coffee everywhere, is over priced and tastes like burnt shit...but they do have comfortable seats and decent WiFi connections...
[not that *I* would know what burnt shit tastes like but, that is what my food taster told me when I made him compare the two]
I'll give you some more information about my movements, some players stories and more information about last night's slaughter a bit later...from another Starbucks.
Peas!
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government