Another 18 bites the dust...

Your daily kill stories

Guns N' Hoses (1) hosed Mi Hermano (0)

at approximately 6:15 in the PM one Mi Hermano met his fate through the barrel of a malfunctioning chinatown baretta. after 12 hours of stalking the run around came to an end when he tried to run across the street and enter into a neighboring building. next time check in with security beforehand brotha and you won't be left wallowing in a puddle of shame. see ya next year fella.

Team WholeSale Liquidators (1) red tagged Agent Marwan (0)

Celebrate autumn with our Voignier White Wine clearance sale...

So positively delectable is our wine that assassins dreamily stumble out of safe zones for it... Seduced by these aromatic sirens to their aqueous deaths, none can resist the full-bodied flavor of Wholesale Liquidators®' Le Négociant de la Mort.

Just ask Agent Marwan, an assassin of refined tastes, yet not so refined skills. After a hard day at the office, this financial mastermind casually left his midtown office at 8:15 pm, and to the utter shock of his stalkers, stepped right off the curb, b-lining for the liquor store.

As purveyors of fine and sophisticated taste, Agent Hall of Wholesale Liquidators® allowed the Ivy League alum to purchase his fine wine. She figured she would whet her own pallette after she soaked his. And that she did.

"Awwwwwww! Crap!"

Yes, he too could not escape the allure of... Wholesale Liquidators®' Le Négociant de la Mort.

So brazen and yet so smooth that even international security forces in midtown can't stop it's deliciousness. Get yo' Mort on today!

Note: Afterwards, Agents Hall & Oates, along with their Secretary of Death, escorted agent Marwan's corpse “Weekend at Bernies” style through the victim’s highrise and proceeded to drink his booze and smoke his pot. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta. But it feels even better to save!

"unparalleled beauty...
unbeatable performance..."
Wholesale Liquidators®

The Sparrow (1) pacified the Angry Baby (0)

At approximately 10.42pm on Wednesday night, The Angry Baby decided he needed a cigar.

Why did he need a smoke? No doubt his sense of the assassin web closing in on his apartment was too great. As Supreme Commander knows, cigars are great for the nerves. Or he would, if Supreme Commander ever felt nervous.

Down the stairs went Angry Baby, leaky water gun in hand, lest the walk to the cigar shop throw up any nasty surprises. Out the front door, and into the warm fall eve.

Of course, we recognized each other instantly. No disguise could hide my intent. I was not expecting an exit at this moment - a more complex and beautiful plot than mere street ambush was afoot - so I was surprised, to put it mildly.

So was he. He flew across the street and around the corner and the two of us started playing a daft 90 second game of ignoring each other/stalking. This is a very difficult game, especially when two armed men play it together on an unsuspecting street corner. I got straight on my phone, and chattered in a most non-nonchalant way. He pretended to check out cigars.

It was all over in seconds. He went for me (or his front door) under the cover of a big Puerto Rican dude, and I beat him on the draw. The moment it was over, we burst out laughing.

Angry Baby was a great sport. I am now armed with a specially commissioned and untested device supplied to him by one of his friends. It involves rubber medical supplies and will probably terrify my next mark much more than a big yellow super soaker ever could.

Angry Baby, Respect. The rest of ye, I'll see around.

Team Globex (2) chopped up the Chef (0)

team Globex assassins: Dr. Pickles, Flip Dog, and MayDay performed the execution.

kill location: The front of Maloney & Porcelli's Restaurant on 50th bet. Madison and Park.

kill time: 9:01pm
synopsis:

Well it was a long time coming, but we did it and we did it with style, even with the odds against us, we persevered and came out on top as expected. Team Globex has made their second kill. As with the takeover of the east coast we were extremely proud of ourselves and look forward to our victory celebration at the end of the tourney.

Yesterday, September 27th at 9:01 PM in front of Maloney & Porcelli's our second target faced his share of Watery Death. We were assigned a young entrepreneurial culinary student with a serious international background. His family controls food service in the US and across the globe in Athens. He was like a male Paris Hilton from Greece. Hell, his Myspace profile had beautiful girls at his beckon call. But all those pretty boy looks didn't save him from Team Globex.

We started with some serious spirit, staking him out Monday, the night of our first kill. Even though we had a lot of close calls, he never showed. Damn those little face shots, "Oh yeah, I can tell exactly what you look like in that pic..." We ended the stake out at midnight with big plans for the future and oh what big plans they were.

Our restauranteur with Iron Chef aspirations was about to be both Punked and wetted. You see the man is Greek and in the restaurant bizz. So we had an actress friend pose as a person from the restaurant and set up an interview with him, saying a Greek delegation from the UN stayed behind and were planning a dinner. We needed help and he was recommended by the school as a good man, Greek, and a good restauranteur. As a team member says, "play up to a guys ego, and you can't go wrong."

Well what do you know, on my way to the restaurant for the meeting, and hour early, I see him walk by. It was the first time I saw him, and I just knew it was him. Well I could of taken him out then as I am Brock, the Swede killing machine, but I thought since I had the first kill on the team with smoker, I should share the love and let this thing play out. We had him dead to rights, and I was not going go ruin it. So I showed up at the restaurant and told my team mates all about it. We all had a good laugh and waited for our mark. It's so easy when your good!

Inevitably we found out there was some doubt on our target's part, we gotta give him that much. Our actress missed two calls from our mark and we sensed he needed reassurance. So we had our friend call as a part of the UN, and allay his fears. The native tongue helped and he said he'd be "on target" at 9:00.

The man was true to his word. I can respect that! He even brought a gun to the interview, admirable, he never intended to draw it(Pussy), but I still admire that. Well as the man entered the restaurant, he was nailed, drilled, squirted, pinched, taken out, by none other than Team Globex, in one of it's deadliest incarnations, MayDay, Dr. Pickles and Flip Dog, whose bark is inconsequential, there is only the bite.

The catch phrase all of you will be saying as did our hit, "Oh Fuck." Remember that!

Just to show we arent't completely heartless, and extremely classy as an evil corporation should be, the evening ended up with us and our dead target sitting down for a few rounds of drinks, we're talking Blantons! All you targets out there can take some solace in that, if we take you out, were doing it in style and a touch of class at the end.

"To Prey on their fear,
Move like and animal,
To Feel the kill!"

Team Los Murderoso (2) dispatched Agent Ezri (0)

At 2300 on 9/28/2006 one Agent Ezri was eliminated by oneMathematical Impossible.

This report will be bad, because I am drunk on booze, adrenaline and ofcourse as always, fear.

I received my 2nd target assignment yesterday, and that same day scoped outhis place of work and his house. My target lives and works on the sameblock, so the special rules applied. After finding out that he lives next toa bar with an outdoor area, I decided that I would wait for my target at thebar and step out to shoot him as he went home from work. I did not notice atthe time that he lives next to a gay bar, a fact that became very clear tome tonight (more on this below).

After a hearty dinner of pork and margaritas, and a few-post dinnercocktails, I decided to head to my next stalking. I cruised by my target'splace of work - a restaurant - and verified his prescence, then I cruisedover to the bar to wait for him to get off work. Little did I know at thetime I would not be the only one cruising. Approximately 30 seconds afterarriving at the bar, I realized that it was in fact a gay bar. Very quicklya friendly patron put a drink in my hand. I explained to him the purpose ofmy visit (I was hoping to soak someone from behind) and he seemed veryinterested. He helped me stake out my victim, even going so far as tovolunteer to hold him down for me while I soaked him, an offer Irespectfully declined.

Soon a whole goup was loudly discussing streetwars, which I realized wouldbe dangerous if my target were to walk by, so I steered the conversation tothe more neutral topic of GW Bush and Iraq. At approximately 2300, my targetarrived. Obviously knowing the vulnerability of his situation, he movedwith speed of purpose and gun in hand. I also moved quickly, with drink ofvodka soda and gun in hand. I stepped out of the bar, walked around the rowof bushes separating the bar from his front door and took him out as hefumbled with the lock (how many kills have been made with drink in hand?).He was in a tough position and he knew it. He was unfortunate to live nextto a high traffic bar with an outdoor seating area. He took his demise ingood humor and handed over his card. I returned to the bar to the acclaim ofthe patrons, one of whom bought me a celebratory shot. I bought one moredrink for good measure and headed home. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, as I wasleaving a patron gave me his number - and a good night kiss. He leaned in, Ileaned away, he continued to lean in. Now I know what all my high schooldates must have felt like. Sorry ladies.

Total tally:
2 Vodka sodas (stirred, not shaken)
1 Shot
1 Kill
1 Guy's number
1 Good night kiss from guy who gave me his number
Numerous Future Streetwars fans and players

All for the glory of the Shadow Government.

Team Sharks on a Bus (1) boarded Jeffrey Lebowski (0)

Sharks on a bus drown The Big Lebowski.

It was a glorious morning on the twenty eighth day of September twothousand and six. The Upper East side was seemingly unaware of theJaws-esque shark attack that was about to take place. You see,friends, team Sharks on a Bus was looming. Nobody was safe. Not women,not children, not even that daddy's little girl cutey pie walking hersnooty looking dog. Evenmore, a fellow by the name the "Big Lebowski"was in a far more precarious position. His white russian was about toget extremely watery.

After some half hazard attempts by neighbors and friends to check ifthe coast was clear, our target made a brisk exit from his apartment.He looked nervous. He had his hand on a satchel clutching what seemedto be a monstrous water weapon. Clearly compensating for theinadequacy of his "other" weapon. Somebody forgot to tell "the Dude"that it's not the size of the boat....

Mr. Lebowski proceeded to weave in and out of street blocks,constantly checking over his shoulder, but never quite getting a goodenough look at the bus full of sharks on his tail. After one lasthaphazard attempt at deceit, "the Dude" took a hard right turn smackinto a Greyhound full of Great Whites.

The dude, without prior given consent, abided.

Agent Peter Stevens (2) deleted one Agent Easterbrook (0)

Agent Easterbrook has fallen.

I arrived in LIC at 5pm. Brand new building. Waterfront view, doorman, and no place to hide because of all the construction. I try to bribe my way in first but they're not having it.
I look around and spot a concrete barrier at the end of the street. It turns out to be the only cover with a view of the front of the building. I lay prone for an hour and go cross-eyed in the process.
I go for some dinner and walk around for a bit. I'm walking towards the building when I spot another Agent doing contract work for The Shadow Government. We look at each other funny for a minute, and then realize the we are not there for each other. We speak for a bit and I learn he is able to grant me access to the fortress that was previously impenetrable.

I make my way up to the targets floor and had to wait a mere four minutes.

It turns out he had just gotten home, and was on his way out to hunt my current target.

Had I stayed prone he would have neutralized me for certain.

Team Snuffdumpsters (2) caught up with Marz (0)

So, thanks to myspace, we find that Marz has an upcoming art show somewhere in the city. I enlist the services of a friend to inquire about the whereabouts of said show. We find out, stake the place out down on chambers and reade, sit down and order some dinner and wait for our man. Turns out he's supposed to be there 7-9 but he's early. Our man walks out the front door and with his back turned to us i put a stream of water to the back of his head, double tap. Simple as that. This hangover sucks.

Alaskananny (1) gave Zern (0) a watery treat

I am pleased to inform you that team El Cano has been rinsed of their sins.  A little manuvering outside of Zern's building put me directly at her open window.  She walked into the room, she got wet.

Der Master-Mörder (1) read Miss Jones' (0) diary

I've had a good 12 hours.

Last night I wetted the total fucking chump who was trying to get me. It was TOO easy.

Then today at 7:37AM I gave Miss Jones a second shower. I had stalked her for the past 3 mornings and I knew that she knew what I looked like. I thought I was fucked. I just couldn't get the shots off the first 2 times I saw her. Then I decided I needed to upgrade my weapon and devise a new strategy.

I found a fantstic hiding spot about 10 feet from her door. Waited till I heard her door open. Snuck a peak to confirm it was the target. Then I busted around the corner and let loose, however I misjudged my range. I MISSED! The only thing that saved me was that Miss Jones didn't have her gun in her hand. I pumped off a second shot and hit while she was screaming like a baby and trying to get a handle on her gun.

She was a good sport, gave me her card and I walked her to the train.

Team Bushwick Country Club (4) continues to rule your world by taking Agent Takora of Team Drunken Readheaded Sluts (0)

At 6:07 pm on Sept. 28, 2006 one Agent Takora was Eliminated by way ofSuper Soaker (tm). Agent Takora, in Manhattan for a weapons pickup,was spotted while making a call to attempt to identify his assassins.What insued was a raging waterfight in the streets of Manhattan. Inthe end, two hours of reconnaissance resulted in the elimination ofAgent Takora. We would like to add that this was not the easiest ofkills, and Agent Takora proved a worthy adversary. Though not ourprimary target, he will serve as a fine consolation prize, andappetite wetter, but also a reminder that in the game of modern dayespionage and warfare, anything is possible, so be sharp. His teamleader will have likely met her demise by the time this account isposted.

The Professor (1) took down one teamate of Team Newlywed Ninja Syndicate (0)

When I signed on, I couldn't wait to get my first kill. It's soak or be soaked out there, and I sure as hell wasn't going to be the later. No mercy, you taught me that. That was all before I had to liquidate a husband right in front his wife's eyes.

It is with no joy that I report the blissfully alliterated Newlywed Ninja Syndicate, is now a Solo-icate. C.E. is dead, and I have to live with that.

He was sprayed protecting his lady, his "Special Target," leaving his impenetrable apartment to usher his love safely indoors. Sprinting from the bar across the street I was too late to hit her, but as he was locking the gate I fired two shots. He fired back, giving me a good wetting, but it was too late.

Adrenaline was coursing through me. "I got you, you know I got you!" I screamed, and bounced around elatedly outside his gate. Now, I am a man, I thought, I have walked boldly through the water and come out the other side. But then saw her face peering from inside the doorway, a portrait of agony and disbelief. The reality of what I had done slapped in the face. I had killed a man. Her man.

She fired a couple a wild shots attempting to injure me, hoping to inflict a portion of the suffering I had dealt to her, but with my jungle cat reflexes I deftly avoided them. I do fell very sorry for whoever The Bride is hunting, for hell hath no fury like a women something or other.

As he handed me his ID card he said, "Nice kill." Nice kill? Hah! When it comes to dealing watery vengeance, there ain't nothing nice about it.