Drinks for the Dead.
September 29, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 06:54 PM
Assassinated? Lonely? Crying ghost or zombie tears?
Come celebrate your death in the most proper and classiest of fashions.
Organized drinking for organized crime.
Bushwick Country Club
618 Grand Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(Between Leonard and Lorimer)
718.388.2114
This Sunday, October 1st. 6pm until question marks.
- Bring your bribes, yo.
- Bonus points if you sport a mustache.
- Those still alive are welcome to attend - if you are that confident in your skills to show your face in a concentrated area of assassins.
Who says we don't give back to the little people?*
(No, the harem will not be attending.)
*We're using this as a tax write-off.
In the Press
MC Pee Pants on Fox News Radio
September 29, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 06:49 AM
Well.. he was sort of on the radio...What happened was, I was invited to be on Fox Across America with Spencer Hughes on XM radio yesterday, and had a nice time chatting about all you knuckleheads when the host decided to pull up the website and read a bit of MC Pee Pant's email on the air. It was some funny shit.
Some topics covered in the interview
- All in all, he thinks we are all nuts, but in a GOOD way.
- How the hell you crazy fuckers hunt across a city as huge as NYC.
- The humble origins of one "Mustache Commander".
- And towards the end, I mention an assassin emailing us at 4 in the morning... That would be none other then our tactical vest guy from MC Pee Pants photo. So make fun of him if you like, but he probably still hunts harder then you.
Who knew Fox talk radio can be so cool?
Listen to the interview
Click on the little Flash Player below
NYC 2006
Another 18 bites the dust...
September 29, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 06:25 AM
Current Status...
Total game kill count: 48
Current kill leader: Team Bushwick Country Club (4)
Sweet baby jesus.
Right after my 18 down post... you assassins return with another 18 down day? I am impressed and moved by your dedication to watery justice. Please, all of you with kills, give yourselves a round of applause.
Who is your tournament daddy?
Big ups to Team Bushwick Country Club, for continuing to lead the pack and set a high standard for excellence, with four kills in four days. For those of you with zero's next to your names. Shape up and be more like the Bushwick crew.
In today's update...
- Guns N' Hoses (1) hosed Mi Hermano (0)
- Team Sexecutioners (1) penetrated Team Inner Circle (0)
- Team WholeSale Liquidators (1) red tagged Agent Marwan (0)
- The Sparrow (1) pacified the Angry Baby (0)
- Team Globex (2) chopped up the Chef (0)
- Team Los Murderoso (2) dispatched Agent Ezri (0)
- Agent Orange (1) loved the smell of Lil Chick (0) in the morning
- Team Sharks on a Bus (1) boarded Jeffrey Lebowski (0)
- Agent Dogs of War (1) tricked the Trickster (0)
- Agent Peter Stevens (2) deleted one Agent Easterbrook (0)
- Team Snuffdumpsters (2) caught up with Marz (0)
- Alaskananny (1) gave Zern (0) a watery treat
- Der Master-Mörder (1) read Miss Jones' (0) diary
- Team Bushwick Country Club (4) continues to rule your world by taking Agent Takora of Team Drunken Readheaded Sluts (0)
- Joelev (1) says wetting Candy Killers (0) was like taking candy from an assassin
- The Professor (1) took down one teamate of Team Newlywed Ninja Syndicate (0)
- Frankie the Hipster Slayer (1) gave some fashion advice to The Brailipole (0)
Read kill stories after the jump
Your daily kill stories
Guns N' Hoses (1) hosed Mi Hermano (0)
at approximately 6:15 in the PM one Mi Hermano met his fate through the barrel of a malfunctioning chinatown baretta. after 12 hours of stalking the run around came to an end when he tried to run across the street and enter into a neighboring building. next time check in with security beforehand brotha and you won't be left wallowing in a puddle of shame. see ya next year fella.
Team WholeSale Liquidators (1) red tagged Agent Marwan (0)
Celebrate autumn with our Voignier White Wine clearance sale...
So positively delectable is our wine that assassins dreamily stumble out of safe zones for it... Seduced by these aromatic sirens to their aqueous deaths, none can resist the full-bodied flavor of Wholesale Liquidators®' Le Négociant de la Mort.
Just ask Agent Marwan, an assassin of refined tastes, yet not so refined skills. After a hard day at the office, this financial mastermind casually left his midtown office at 8:15 pm, and to the utter shock of his stalkers, stepped right off the curb, b-lining for the liquor store.
As purveyors of fine and sophisticated taste, Agent Hall of Wholesale Liquidators® allowed the Ivy League alum to purchase his fine wine. She figured she would whet her own pallette after she soaked his. And that she did.
"Awwwwwww! Crap!"
Yes, he too could not escape the allure of... Wholesale Liquidators®' Le Négociant de la Mort.
So brazen and yet so smooth that even international security forces in midtown can't stop it's deliciousness. Get yo' Mort on today!
Note: Afterwards, Agents Hall & Oates, along with their Secretary of Death, escorted agent Marwan's corpse “Weekend at Bernies” style through the victim’s highrise and proceeded to drink his booze and smoke his pot. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta. But it feels even better to save!
"unparalleled beauty...
unbeatable performance..."
Wholesale Liquidators®
The Sparrow (1) pacified the Angry Baby (0)
At approximately 10.42pm on Wednesday night, The Angry Baby decided he needed a cigar.
Why did he need a smoke? No doubt his sense of the assassin web closing in on his apartment was too great. As Supreme Commander knows, cigars are great for the nerves. Or he would, if Supreme Commander ever felt nervous.
Down the stairs went Angry Baby, leaky water gun in hand, lest the walk to the cigar shop throw up any nasty surprises. Out the front door, and into the warm fall eve.
Of course, we recognized each other instantly. No disguise could hide my intent. I was not expecting an exit at this moment - a more complex and beautiful plot than mere street ambush was afoot - so I was surprised, to put it mildly.
So was he. He flew across the street and around the corner and the two of us started playing a daft 90 second game of ignoring each other/stalking. This is a very difficult game, especially when two armed men play it together on an unsuspecting street corner. I got straight on my phone, and chattered in a most non-nonchalant way. He pretended to check out cigars.
It was all over in seconds. He went for me (or his front door) under the cover of a big Puerto Rican dude, and I beat him on the draw. The moment it was over, we burst out laughing.
Angry Baby was a great sport. I am now armed with a specially commissioned and untested device supplied to him by one of his friends. It involves rubber medical supplies and will probably terrify my next mark much more than a big yellow super soaker ever could.
Angry Baby, Respect. The rest of ye, I'll see around.
Team Globex (2) chopped up the Chef (0)
team Globex assassins: Dr. Pickles, Flip Dog, and MayDay performed the execution.
kill location: The front of Maloney & Porcelli's Restaurant on 50th bet. Madison and Park.
kill time: 9:01pm
synopsis:
Well it was a long time coming, but we did it and we did it with style, even with the odds against us, we persevered and came out on top as expected. Team Globex has made their second kill. As with the takeover of the east coast we were extremely proud of ourselves and look forward to our victory celebration at the end of the tourney.
Yesterday, September 27th at 9:01 PM in front of Maloney & Porcelli's our second target faced his share of Watery Death. We were assigned a young entrepreneurial culinary student with a serious international background. His family controls food service in the US and across the globe in Athens. He was like a male Paris Hilton from Greece. Hell, his Myspace profile had beautiful girls at his beckon call. But all those pretty boy looks didn't save him from Team Globex.
We started with some serious spirit, staking him out Monday, the night of our first kill. Even though we had a lot of close calls, he never showed. Damn those little face shots, "Oh yeah, I can tell exactly what you look like in that pic..." We ended the stake out at midnight with big plans for the future and oh what big plans they were.
Our restauranteur with Iron Chef aspirations was about to be both Punked and wetted. You see the man is Greek and in the restaurant bizz. So we had an actress friend pose as a person from the restaurant and set up an interview with him, saying a Greek delegation from the UN stayed behind and were planning a dinner. We needed help and he was recommended by the school as a good man, Greek, and a good restauranteur. As a team member says, "play up to a guys ego, and you can't go wrong."
Well what do you know, on my way to the restaurant for the meeting, and hour early, I see him walk by. It was the first time I saw him, and I just knew it was him. Well I could of taken him out then as I am Brock, the Swede killing machine, but I thought since I had the first kill on the team with smoker, I should share the love and let this thing play out. We had him dead to rights, and I was not going go ruin it. So I showed up at the restaurant and told my team mates all about it. We all had a good laugh and waited for our mark. It's so easy when your good!
Inevitably we found out there was some doubt on our target's part, we gotta give him that much. Our actress missed two calls from our mark and we sensed he needed reassurance. So we had our friend call as a part of the UN, and allay his fears. The native tongue helped and he said he'd be "on target" at 9:00.
The man was true to his word. I can respect that! He even brought a gun to the interview, admirable, he never intended to draw it(Pussy), but I still admire that. Well as the man entered the restaurant, he was nailed, drilled, squirted, pinched, taken out, by none other than Team Globex, in one of it's deadliest incarnations, MayDay, Dr. Pickles and Flip Dog, whose bark is inconsequential, there is only the bite.
The catch phrase all of you will be saying as did our hit, "Oh Fuck." Remember that!
Just to show we arent't completely heartless, and extremely classy as an evil corporation should be, the evening ended up with us and our dead target sitting down for a few rounds of drinks, we're talking Blantons! All you targets out there can take some solace in that, if we take you out, were doing it in style and a touch of class at the end.
"To Prey on their fear,
Move like and animal,
To Feel the kill!"
Team Los Murderoso (2) dispatched Agent Ezri (0)
At 2300 on 9/28/2006 one Agent Ezri was eliminated by oneMathematical Impossible.
This report will be bad, because I am drunk on booze, adrenaline and ofcourse as always, fear.
I received my 2nd target assignment yesterday, and that same day scoped outhis place of work and his house. My target lives and works on the sameblock, so the special rules applied. After finding out that he lives next toa bar with an outdoor area, I decided that I would wait for my target at thebar and step out to shoot him as he went home from work. I did not notice atthe time that he lives next to a gay bar, a fact that became very clear tome tonight (more on this below).
After a hearty dinner of pork and margaritas, and a few-post dinnercocktails, I decided to head to my next stalking. I cruised by my target'splace of work - a restaurant - and verified his prescence, then I cruisedover to the bar to wait for him to get off work. Little did I know at thetime I would not be the only one cruising. Approximately 30 seconds afterarriving at the bar, I realized that it was in fact a gay bar. Very quicklya friendly patron put a drink in my hand. I explained to him the purpose ofmy visit (I was hoping to soak someone from behind) and he seemed veryinterested. He helped me stake out my victim, even going so far as tovolunteer to hold him down for me while I soaked him, an offer Irespectfully declined.
Soon a whole goup was loudly discussing streetwars, which I realized wouldbe dangerous if my target were to walk by, so I steered the conversation tothe more neutral topic of GW Bush and Iraq. At approximately 2300, my targetarrived. Obviously knowing the vulnerability of his situation, he movedwith speed of purpose and gun in hand. I also moved quickly, with drink ofvodka soda and gun in hand. I stepped out of the bar, walked around the rowof bushes separating the bar from his front door and took him out as hefumbled with the lock (how many kills have been made with drink in hand?).He was in a tough position and he knew it. He was unfortunate to live nextto a high traffic bar with an outdoor seating area. He took his demise ingood humor and handed over his card. I returned to the bar to the acclaim ofthe patrons, one of whom bought me a celebratory shot. I bought one moredrink for good measure and headed home. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, as I wasleaving a patron gave me his number - and a good night kiss. He leaned in, Ileaned away, he continued to lean in. Now I know what all my high schooldates must have felt like. Sorry ladies.
Total tally:
2 Vodka sodas (stirred, not shaken)
1 Shot
1 Kill
1 Guy's number
1 Good night kiss from guy who gave me his number
Numerous Future Streetwars fans and playersAll for the glory of the Shadow Government.
Team Sharks on a Bus (1) boarded Jeffrey Lebowski (0)
Sharks on a bus drown The Big Lebowski.
It was a glorious morning on the twenty eighth day of September twothousand and six. The Upper East side was seemingly unaware of theJaws-esque shark attack that was about to take place. You see,friends, team Sharks on a Bus was looming. Nobody was safe. Not women,not children, not even that daddy's little girl cutey pie walking hersnooty looking dog. Evenmore, a fellow by the name the "Big Lebowski"was in a far more precarious position. His white russian was about toget extremely watery.
After some half hazard attempts by neighbors and friends to check ifthe coast was clear, our target made a brisk exit from his apartment.He looked nervous. He had his hand on a satchel clutching what seemedto be a monstrous water weapon. Clearly compensating for theinadequacy of his "other" weapon. Somebody forgot to tell "the Dude"that it's not the size of the boat....
Mr. Lebowski proceeded to weave in and out of street blocks,constantly checking over his shoulder, but never quite getting a goodenough look at the bus full of sharks on his tail. After one lasthaphazard attempt at deceit, "the Dude" took a hard right turn smackinto a Greyhound full of Great Whites.
The dude, without prior given consent, abided.
Agent Peter Stevens (2) deleted one Agent Easterbrook (0)
Agent Easterbrook has fallen.
I arrived in LIC at 5pm. Brand new building. Waterfront view, doorman, and no place to hide because of all the construction. I try to bribe my way in first but they're not having it.
I look around and spot a concrete barrier at the end of the street. It turns out to be the only cover with a view of the front of the building. I lay prone for an hour and go cross-eyed in the process.
I go for some dinner and walk around for a bit. I'm walking towards the building when I spot another Agent doing contract work for The Shadow Government. We look at each other funny for a minute, and then realize the we are not there for each other. We speak for a bit and I learn he is able to grant me access to the fortress that was previously impenetrable.
I make my way up to the targets floor and had to wait a mere four minutes.
It turns out he had just gotten home, and was on his way out to hunt my current target.
Had I stayed prone he would have neutralized me for certain.
Team Snuffdumpsters (2) caught up with Marz (0)
So, thanks to myspace, we find that Marz has an upcoming art show somewhere in the city. I enlist the services of a friend to inquire about the whereabouts of said show. We find out, stake the place out down on chambers and reade, sit down and order some dinner and wait for our man. Turns out he's supposed to be there 7-9 but he's early. Our man walks out the front door and with his back turned to us i put a stream of water to the back of his head, double tap. Simple as that. This hangover sucks.
Alaskananny (1) gave Zern (0) a watery treat
I am pleased to inform you that team El Cano has been rinsed of their sins. A little manuvering outside of Zern's building put me directly at her open window. She walked into the room, she got wet.
Der Master-Mörder (1) read Miss Jones' (0) diary
I've had a good 12 hours.
Last night I wetted the total fucking chump who was trying to get me. It was TOO easy.
Then today at 7:37AM I gave Miss Jones a second shower. I had stalked her for the past 3 mornings and I knew that she knew what I looked like. I thought I was fucked. I just couldn't get the shots off the first 2 times I saw her. Then I decided I needed to upgrade my weapon and devise a new strategy.
I found a fantstic hiding spot about 10 feet from her door. Waited till I heard her door open. Snuck a peak to confirm it was the target. Then I busted around the corner and let loose, however I misjudged my range. I MISSED! The only thing that saved me was that Miss Jones didn't have her gun in her hand. I pumped off a second shot and hit while she was screaming like a baby and trying to get a handle on her gun.
She was a good sport, gave me her card and I walked her to the train.
Team Bushwick Country Club (4) continues to rule your world by taking Agent Takora of Team Drunken Readheaded Sluts (0)
At 6:07 pm on Sept. 28, 2006 one Agent Takora was Eliminated by way ofSuper Soaker (tm). Agent Takora, in Manhattan for a weapons pickup,was spotted while making a call to attempt to identify his assassins.What insued was a raging waterfight in the streets of Manhattan. Inthe end, two hours of reconnaissance resulted in the elimination ofAgent Takora. We would like to add that this was not the easiest ofkills, and Agent Takora proved a worthy adversary. Though not ourprimary target, he will serve as a fine consolation prize, andappetite wetter, but also a reminder that in the game of modern dayespionage and warfare, anything is possible, so be sharp. His teamleader will have likely met her demise by the time this account isposted.
The Professor (1) took down one teamate of Team Newlywed Ninja Syndicate (0)
When I signed on, I couldn't wait to get my first kill. It's soak or be soaked out there, and I sure as hell wasn't going to be the later. No mercy, you taught me that. That was all before I had to liquidate a husband right in front his wife's eyes.
It is with no joy that I report the blissfully alliterated Newlywed Ninja Syndicate, is now a Solo-icate. C.E. is dead, and I have to live with that.
He was sprayed protecting his lady, his "Special Target," leaving his impenetrable apartment to usher his love safely indoors. Sprinting from the bar across the street I was too late to hit her, but as he was locking the gate I fired two shots. He fired back, giving me a good wetting, but it was too late.
Adrenaline was coursing through me. "I got you, you know I got you!" I screamed, and bounced around elatedly outside his gate. Now, I am a man, I thought, I have walked boldly through the water and come out the other side. But then saw her face peering from inside the doorway, a portrait of agony and disbelief. The reality of what I had done slapped in the face. I had killed a man. Her man.
She fired a couple a wild shots attempting to injure me, hoping to inflict a portion of the suffering I had dealt to her, but with my jungle cat reflexes I deftly avoided them. I do fell very sorry for whoever The Bride is hunting, for hell hath no fury like a women something or other.
As he handed me his ID card he said, "Nice kill." Nice kill? Hah! When it comes to dealing watery vengeance, there ain't nothing nice about it.
NYC 2006
School Rule - Clarification
September 28, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 02:24 PM
<
In my infinite wisdom, I have decided that we should illuminate you wannabe (and be) assassins on the rules in reference to targets that go to school.
Know these rules well, I don�t want to get any more calls from you cats, interrupting my mackage of the fine young women in my harem in order to have me address your piddling concerns. I�m sure a couple of you must score sometimes�how would you like it if I rolled up on you and interrupted your coitus? Hmmmm�bad example, come to think of it, you�d probably like it, because it would be me after all�but ok�let�s say someone else that wasn�t me did it � then would you like it? Probably not, particularly as most of you are probably still learning what goes where and breaking your concentration would likely mess up your whole game. Now I have experience so that�s not a concern for me, but it�s still friggin� annoying.
So...
I give you SCHOOL RULES:
If you are in school and go to class:
You are safe while in class, while the teacher is teaching you whatever it is your dumb ass needs to learn.
You have a safe zone only for the 15 minutes before and after your scheduled classes on the floor your class is on. This means elevators, stairwells, etc are NOT SAFE ZONES EVER.
That�s it for school � clear enough?
No more complaints...I�m off for a marathon session with the Harem, then a well deserved soak in my gold lava rock hot tub�
Damn, I lead a hard life.
NYC 2006
18 more down...
September 28, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 04:11 AM
Current Status...
Total game kill count: 30
Current kill leader: Team Bushwick Country Club (3)
The tournament has shrunk by a woppoing 18 since the last update. NYC is no joke. You people are marvelous. Mustache likes.
Speaking of jokes...
MC Pee Pants tagged the sucka pictured above riding the train letting all the other assassins in the world see him roaming about. Have to say, as foolish as it was, I kinda like his bravado. Either way. Good work MC Pee Pants and Mr Non-Stealth assassin, as the Commanders were amused. Click here to read MC Pee Pants entire amusing account
In today's update...
- Team Heldentod (1) fixed the gears on one Agent Pyro (0), despite a Matron gone MIA.
- MC Pee Pants (1) killed Agent Sapphire (0)
- Wide Eyed (1) shut the lids on Arch-Nemesis (0) of Los Murderosos
- Snuffdumpster (1) eliminated the Liquid Slayers (0) by wettifying the Team leader, Street Samurai
- T-Boogie (1) killed Jesus (0)
- Bushwick Country Club (3) killed the Violator (0) AND Agent Nizaris (1)
- Agent TJ Kee (1) dispatched Agent Lobovski (0)
- Team Hashish (1) gave Blue Care Bears (0) a BIIIIG hug
- J27 (1) saw Agent Cee (0) , and Agent Cee saw water
- The Hebrew Hammer (2) nailed J27's coffin (1)
- The Facilitator (1) facilitated AVK's (0) exit, and drooled on him in the process
- Dr Pickes of Team Globex (1) smoked The Smoker (0)
- Team Los Murderoso (1) los murderized Agent Ike Silverthron (0)
- Team Dog Face Magoo (2) finished Agent Osado (0)
- Baby Batty (1) batted Secret Agent Man (0) till he cried for mommy
- Big Money (1) had more then 860 (0) dollars
- Team Marxmen (2) did the stairs on Ken Masters (0)
Read kill stories after the jump
Your daily kill stories
The Facilitator (1) facilitated AVK's (0) exit, and drooled on him in the process
It is bitter sweet I inform you I have taken out my target.
When I first opened my envelope my first words were “Wow he’s hot, sucks I am going to kill him”
I went out Monday night with a friend. We waited and waited and waited. Just as we thought we might call it a night my target left home. He was with another male (hot as well) and we followed. I was not 100% sure this was my guy so we followed quietly. The two men walked into a bar and we followed. I just wanted a good look. Before I knew it we were having drinks and chatting away. I tried to get them to leave but they were not having it. I did not want to cause suspicion and since we had already exchanged numbers I called it a night and the gentlemen paid our bill. The next day
he and I arranged a Wednesday night dinner date, I was excited and had to remember I had to keep focused. Today he called and I feared he was onto me. He told me he was playing a game called street wars and he had arranged an “attack” for the same time we were going to have dinner. He asked if we could change the time we were going to meet. I told him I needed to see this to believe it so I would tag along. I was the official camera girl! All along he had no idea I was hunting him. So I went along with it and when his plan fell through I lent a shoulder to cry on. I waited until after dinner and drinks right before he put me in a cab, I popped hi ass. Yes I got two night of drinks dinner and almost video of another assassination.MayI have a new target please?
MC Pee Pants (1) killed Agent Sapphire (0)
Agent Sapphire was dispatched this evening.
I took the subway to Forrest Hills to stalk her in her own hood because my previous attempts to wake up early enough to attack her enroute to work were met with failure. I arrived around 8pm and scoped out the building for a few minutes, choosing a spot to surveil the entrance…this year’s game started later in the year so daylight was scarce this time of night…I’d have to stay close enough to the building to make a positive ID.
Sitting down on the steps to a business adjacent to the apt building, I fiddled around on the cell phone for an hour or so and savored some fine Honduran tobacco, expertly rolled by the torcedors at Partagas…after all, one does not need to be ascetic, only patient. My attempts to gain entry to the building by accompanying various deliverymen were met with confused rejections…obviously THEY knew death when they saw it.
Around 9:30pm, a woman emerges around the far corner of the block and walks towards the building entrance…she spoke on a cell phone…eyes furtively watching activity on the street…no doubt she was the spotter. I made an effort to not notice her and prepared my weapon at my side…she disappeared and reappeared twice…erroneously focusing her attention on an admittedly sketchy kid circling his street bike in front of the building entrance…she thought he was the assassin! Moments later the target emerged from the same far corner of the block…sprinting towards the building entrance. No positive ID was necessary…I knew I had my target. Yet she didn’t even draw a weapon! A quick chase to the building entrance ended with two direct hits…once before she got in and one more for good measure after she failed to barricade me out of the entryway.
Agent Sapphire didn’t put up a fight at all…but she is without a doubt amongst the noblest of prey…for after surrendering her card she and her spotter invited me into the apartment for a victory joint! The spoils of victory, indeed!
Wide Eyed (1) killed Arch-Nemesis (0) of Los Murderosos
this morning
after waiting patiently for many hours
took aim
and killed
the lovely,
but unpreparedArch-Nemesis
sincerely
agent equidistant
of team
wide eyed
T-Boogie (1) killed Jesus (0)
Agent T. Boogie has assassinated target. Jesus is no more.
Agent T. Boogie waited several hours early this morning awaiting target, as target left for work, he was shot by a double barrel watergun. Target seemed confused and shocked by his own stupidity.
Bushwick Country Club (3) killed the Violator (0) AND Agent Nizaris (1)
On behalf of Team Bushwick Country Club I am pleased to report that as of 6:54 pm eastern standard time M.A. ceased to saturate. We are eagerly awaiting further instructions for our next target.
then a bit later...
Team Bushwick Country Club would like to report that as of 9:30 one R.B. has been eliminated. The kill was the culmination of a 3.5 hour late night stake out, a 2 hour early morning stake out and excellent intel. The fact that the target was carrying an umbrella in plain sight on a beautiful morning set him up perfectly for a textbook pincer maneuver. We feel that more disclosure would divulge sensitive trade secrets. That said we are more eagerly than usual awaiting further instructions.
Agent TJ Kee (1) dispatched Agent Lobovski (0)
Mr. British whiny ass is no more. Told you, your girl from Jerz had some skills ...
Posted the kill story on the blog. It wasn't stealthy. Honestly, it was like I stumbled on him. But when I did, I let it rain.
I'd stalked out his job earlier today, and cased his condo complex on Monday night. Was a bit discouraged, b/c my attempts at intimidation were backfiring. (I am sooooo getting an anonymous email address now.) So tonite I went around the other side of his complex, and there he was, waiting for his homeboy to bring his water gun. Too bad.
I pulled out my pic of him, made sure it was a match, and then sprayed. No questions asked. Gotta say it felt good. Redeemed myself in my own eyes. I know who my next targets are. He was kind enough to give me the dossier (complete with all the info he'd worked so hard to collect).
(And since Li'l Ms. Abacus has so politely declined my sapphic advances, let it be known that Ms. TJ Kee ain't opposed to being part of the harem. That is ... s'long as she's the Queen Bee)
Team Hashish (1) gave Blue Care Bears (0) a BIIIIIG hug
With pipes and pistols blazing, the Hashish Assassins snuffed out one S. R. this morning after several fruitless days of stalking. The skills of this crew are not to be underestimated, but the luck of the gods was with us as we literally bumped into our target outside of his normal operating zone - but with luck this good, the skill is just a bonus. Team
leader made the kill - and yes, he will smoke you too.Our target was gracious and obviously a talented assassin; we would have liked to see him finish off his prey, but when your bowl is cashed, so to speak, your time is up.
J27 (1) saw Agent Cee (0) , and Agent Cee saw water
What a day. My first kill!
Tonight at 6:35 pm I took out Agent Cee.
Three days of elaborate planning paid off. I knew I would never get him at his home or work, as he had an eratic schedule.
After some sleuthing, I found a post of his on a motorcycle enthusiast web page. He had a bike for sale! I e-mailed him... but it was already sold. We struck up a rappport, and a day later I told him I was going to look at another bike, but I could use another set of eyes. He volunteered to HELP me!
We set up a meeting a few blocks from his apartment. At the set time, he sent me a text sayiing he was on the NorthWEST corner. As I was walking up, I spotted him on teh NortEAST corner... with his pistol in his pocket.
I nonchalantly walked past him, making sure to not make eye contact... then walked about 200 feet, turned, came back.. and BLAM! WET!
He was in shock... but we had a good laugh.
HIGH with my kill, I came home... walked PAST my door, came around teh block, stuck my key in, opened teh door to teh vestibule... and BAM! Then I got WET!
DAMN DAMN DAMN!
This was great. I killed... then got killed. Karma's a bitch!
The Hebrew Hammer (2) nailed J27's coffin (1)
J27 is no more.
Around 7:15 tonight he was shot down in the back as he entered his house. Had I arrived a split second later, he would have managed to close the door behind him. I had more luck than brains in this one and I had lots of brains in this one. It just didn't help me.
Team Dog Face Magoo (2) finished Agent Osado (0)
At approximately 6:30pm target Agent Osado was gunned down on the corner of 26th street and Madison.
After collecting intel, Team Dog Face Magoo posed as an attractive female friend of his and communicated throughout the week via email. Foolishly, he divulged his after-work location to his winsome female "friend." Luckily for DFM, he would be a mere block from where we planned to munch on delicious burgers from the Shake Shack. After wiping Shak Sauce from our hungry blasphemous mouths, we strolled through the park and went under cover as "random people sitting on park benches." A quick call to his office confirmed he had left for the day. Burgers digesting, we stared in disbelief as he, several moments later, showed up EXACTLY when and where he said he would. Indeed!
Completely oblivious, he strolled across the intersection looking, for all intents and purposes, as if he didn't have a care in the world. Maybe his few days of dryness had left him feeling invincible? He went down without a fight, apparently on the way to kill his own mark. We went home with his identity card, full stomachs and the sweet taste of victory and sirloin lingering on our tongues.
Team Marxmen (2) did the stairs on Ken Masters (0)
At 7:25am we gave B.S. his long over due shower. After long hours of recon work and intelligence supplied by allies we were in position to assasinate our marx. We set up directly in front of his apartment and waited for him to meet his death. During our wait we were made by one of his friends who called him and warned him about us. Even with this info that was supplied to him he was unable to avoid us. When he stepped out of his apartment his only option was to run. Not being a very fast runner and only packing a 99 cent water gun I was able to run him down and soak him. Second Marx Second kill.
Agent Makavelli of the MarxMen awaiting our next assignment.
NYC 2006
Midtown is Crawling
September 27, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 09:04 AM
Just an update before the real update for you ASSassins.
There are leftover U.N. dignitaries staying near park/madison between 42 and 50...secret service are all over as well as police monitoring baracades...if anyone where to pull out anything resembling a gun, they would surely be taken down.
So, if yer stalking or killing in that hood, be careful.
You have been warned.
Suckaz.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
NYC 2006
Deluge
September 25, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 08:10 PM
Current status:
Total game kill count: 12
Not to start some new Biggie/Tupac shit, but I remember that in the last LA game cats were getting irrigated like they was in Marib...I expected the same from you...
I like *completely* abandoned my harem the other day, just to keep close tabs on the emails that were coming in, hoping to see a kill report.
Imagine my dismay when it was time for my 5am harem pleasing and I had received but a single kill report. My harem had to work overtime to get the knots of tension out of my muscular, well developed shoulders.
As I made my way back to the War room to access the Shadow Government mainframe computer to check on your progress, I was contemplating releasing my personal assassins on you early, just to show you my comtempt at your lack of wetting and get you on your toes a bit...
Thankfully (for you), once I got to the computer, I was shocked - in a good way...the kind of shock you get when your worst enemy dies and gives you a couple of tons of gold...
12 motherfucking kills.
Holy Jesus, that's good!
If man as tough as me could cry, I would shed a single tear of joy for my happiness at the wettings you have given me this day.
This may be the best start ever.
Now don't go getting complacent...I expect things to only get wetter and if YOU can't make handle the irrigating, then perhaps I'll send out my assassins early.
But enough of my threats...let's get jiggy with a huge number of kill stories...
Enjoy.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
First, before we get tto the stoires, here a quick recap of who done did the wetting:
The Hebrew Hammer devenomized the Viper
Nizaris wettified Agent Tuttle
Dead Cell removed the aridness from Agent Kurgan
Dog Face Magoo made their name sound less sucky by undrying Agent TJ
Globex snuffed out The Smoker
C17H21NO4 was too pure for the Captain...he died of a liquid OD
Look Over Your Shoulder's advice was not followed and Agent Cottonjaw met a watery demise
Bushwick Coutry Club irrigated Dr Evil
Marxmen splashified Agent Darian
In a battle of Greek Mythological entities, Apollo killed Icarus
Peter Stevens dampened Agent Dillard
Blue hosed down the full girthiness of Agent Fatz
...and now, the stories...
*********************************************************************
Dear Supreme Commander,
I would like to tell you about the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Well, I guess the Viper will tell you about the agony of defeat. I will focus on the thrill of victory. You asked me to call you at 12:02 and report the first death. I apologize for violating your orders but I gathered you're probably satisfying your harem around midnight so I am sending this report instead.
I left my house well before midnight. I figured most players will still be mindless of other assassins right after midnight and it would make it easier for me to take down my targets. Alas, the team leaders were not yet posted on the website and I had to go at random after one of the team members whose information I received in the dossier. If I'll make contact with a target and he's not the team leader, my cover is gone. So the advantage of going after a target this early in the game does not come cheap. But adding a notch to my kill list and the fun of hunting someone down when they least expect it, seemed well worth the risk. Of the three team members, two at work at a restaurant that only serves dinner. They probably don't wake up early and might return home too late for me. Not to mention one of them leaves on the outskirts of civilization (Brooklyn). The third guy has a corporate job and probably doesn't stay out late.
And so I decided to go after the Viper. I made it to his house around 11:15pm. By using custom made espionage equipment, I verified that the target was not inside. I decided to ambush the target outside and get him as he returns home. It was a quiet place with very few people passing by. I found a place to seat across the street and kept watching his house. A janitor cleaning front stairways along the street became suspicious of me (I guess the smell of the finest weed to come out of southern Lebanon didn't help soothing his anxiety). Not wanting to draw too much attention, I walked away. I waited for the target on the corner of the street, (I had my reasons to believe he'll arrive from that end of the block). It was already after midnight. I was afraid the target might take a cab back home and I'll completely miss him. I started walking back towards the target's house, hoping the janitor won't be there anymore. As I approached the target's house, I saw the janitor was just about to leave. Just before leaving, he looked around, maybe making sure I'm not still lurking. I tried to duck behind a van just in front of the target's house and maintain a normal posture at the same time so the janitor won't see me while not drawing too much attention from other people. I ended up looking like a white man dancing. During my performance, I saw the janitor finally leaving and as I turned around, I saw the target walking along the other side of the street. FUCK. He must have seen my stupid act just in front of his house, realized who I was and now was trying to evade without drawing attention. He walked passed his house (but on the other side of the street, I was in front of his house). He was probably walking towards the bar at the end of the street. I won't be able to take him down there, it's a safe zone. Clever of him. I started walking in the same direction trying to look like I'm minding my own business going all they way to the other end of the block. Before I came up with an alternative plan he was already in the bar.
He is probably having a drink inside looking for me through the glass door. I should have intercepted him on his way to the bar. There's no way I'm gonna get him now. Fuck. Shit. FUCKING SHIT. I refused to give up, though. I ran around the block so he wouldn't see me going back to his house. I waited for him again, across the street from his house, hiding behind a wall. I waited no more than a minute when I saw the target approaching. He seemed very lax. I intercepted him right after he crossed the street, 10 feet from his house. The target was so surprised that for a second I thought I got the wrong person. But it was him alright.
He turned out to be a cool guy. He took his wetting very nicely. He was a little bummed out that he wasn't even able to make it back home on the very first day of the game. He said he didn't see me on the way to the bar. He was very impressed that I went after within minutes after the game started. He didn't have his ID on him. He didn't even get the dossier yet. One of his friends went to get it and they haven't met yet. He didn't know who the team leader is but he was certain it's not him. He offered me a smoke but I didn't want to stay long. By staying and talking I might give him valuable information that he'll pass on to his team leader. So I decided to leave.
I blew my cover. But it was well worth it. I still feel the rush in my veins. When I returned home, I was afraid someone else might pull the same trick on me. I took extra precautions and made extremely evasive maneuvers before returning home. Finally I got into my hose. Back at home, safe at last. It felt even better when I checked the game blog for updates and found out that The Viper was the team leader after all.
Awaiting my next assignment,
Hebrew Hammer
*********************************************************************
My Lovely Government,
This fine morning I was shot by my assassin. The only thing is that I
thought that the 'game' (READ: way of life) was starting tonight at
midnight. [REDACTED] I have come to terms with the nature of why I may have lost the game, and understand that an assassin need must
be on top of these things, as well as the sneaky dark stuff. If I must wait until next year, then I will prove myself then. But [REDACTED] I will not let you down. Either way, thank you shadow
government...
OK, I figured it out, I'm dead. Tell me if you need anything DONE.
Yours,
Agent Tuttle
******************************************
Agent Nizaris reporting for the next assignment...
Tuttle left his premises @ 7:50AM...
Agent Tuttle was assassinated today @ 7:54ish AM, on the day of his
birthday.
Do I get extra style points for killing him on his birthday? Just a
suggestion.
Ciao,
Agent Nizaris.
************************
The Kurgan is dead
tod is 08:05
Killed by phire
************************
At exactly 8am Monday the 25th Team Dog Face Magoo eliminated target Agent TJ on the south east corner of 92nd and Lex. The target was marked by Jacques Bauer and Nina made the kill, two shots to his belly and one to his left side. The victim's I.D. card was collected and Team Dog Face Magoo awaits further instructions.
DFM
****************
target: The Smoker
team globex assassins: dr. pickles and brock
kill location: barrow st. at 7th ave south
kill time: 8:29am
synopsis:
a smooth operation. dr. pickles and brock left at dawn to stalk their pray at his formerly safe home. meanwhile, agent mayday waited at his place of business. although agents brock and dr. pickles allowed for an early exit time for our victim, a.k.a. the sucka, said sucka left at a predictable time. due to his obvious lack of skillz, and our unending supply, sucka was neatly removed from play. no fuss, no muss, no more sucka. let this be a lesson to the rest of you, get up early for work and don't be a sucka.
*************
Actually I don't know his agent name but his real name is [REDACTED] [cottonjaw], and he's dead. He's one of the 3 people I knew going into this game and you guys gave me him. So I invited him out for one of our daily smokes (he works around the corner), made sure we were in fair game territory, patted him down to make sure he wasn't carrying a piece and popped him. I also threw him off the trail by having someone else send him a email taunting him.
Agent Look Over Your Shoulder
*******************
agent icarus---i ansured my door tonight--2 girls selling candy-age 13--15 years old,one of the girls said want candy-i said no--she said you bobby--i said yeah ,she of course shot me -had gun under candy box--& said i got ,you your dead---i said ok----gave her my gun ,which i had in my other hand-behind door,,,& gave her my id card--no problem,,,,,,,,,then while we were talking 3-4 minutes later ,some other guy walks up & shoots me---i said im already out--,,he said there not in the game -they were only helpin me,,,,,,,,cool game --be back next year...
*********************
at 8:27 PM on 109th St and the corner of 103rd Ave. I killed my mark, Agent Darian. My team member followed him to the train in the morning and saw where Darian parked his car. So My team member and I waited for Darian to come back out of work. I waited for 2 hours for Darian to return to his car. Once he walked passed the back of my truck, I jumped out and sprayed him. He immediately knew he was dead. One shot, one kill.
This is Sous Chef for the MarxMen.
**********************
Commanders,
Agent Sinister has been eliminated. He was worthy, and may have blossomed into a fine apprentice assassin had his contract gone to one like himself. In the end his inexperience was his undoing. Counting back to last year he is the sixth assassin I have sent to a watery end, in your cold hearts you knew he never had a chance.
--
Mr. Peter Stevens
Congress Occultus
**************************
My kill report was to brief, and I did indeed have assistance. I went to my targets job which was a liquor store and saw that it wasn't even an open business. The place place was still under construction and awaiting it's grand opening. so, I now knew my only choice was to get him at home. Luckily my ex-girlfriends family lived very near to my target. I knew that if I went to his house I would stick out like a sore thumb, so I employed my ex-girlfriends two younger sisters as a distraction. I bought a box of M&M's, and had the girls pretend to be selling them for some school charity. They rang his bell while I waited to the side. The bait worked and my target came to the door. I gave them some water pistols for fun, and we all gave him a good squirt. He was ready as well, and came to door with a gun himself, but that was also his failure, he should have never opened the door himself. As a result he had a taste of good old H2O.
Agent Apollo
********************
To the Sucka who tried to kill me tonight, I know what you look like,
and REMEMBER MY NAME!!!!!!!!
As I walked home through the dark streets of New York my natural
assassin abilities (Its a sixth sense that picks up weak game) told
me there was something wrong. As I got to my door a short man, with
pathetic game turned to me and asked me for me name . . . With a quick draw that would put Wild Billy to shame I dropped his ass, Shook his hand, thanked him for the weak attempt, and walked inside.
Commander please have someone remove this corpse from in front of my
house, the smell is scaring my ladies away.
- The Big Lebowski
*****************
[END]
NYC 2006
FIRST KILL!!!
September 25, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 03:50 AM
Oh... if I wasn't so tough... I'd weep.
I am always so moved by the first kill of the game. It's one of rare moments when I can't help but feel emotional and tender.
3 hours and 47 minutes into the game... one Agent Hebrew Hammer reliefed one Agent Viper of his earthly assassin duties.
Congratulations Agent Hebrew Hammer.
You guys are lucky. Supreme won't have to unleash too much on you after all.
Check in later, and Hebrew Hammer's account of his glorious first kill will be posted to inspire you all.
Current status:
Total game kill count: 1
Agent Hebrew Hammer kill count: 1
NYC 2006
The game begins...
September 25, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 03:16 AM
Lil' Abacus with GPG and Ro-Ro
Allow me to tip my handsome fedora to all you fine aspiring asassins I had to pleasure to meet this weekend. Did you enjoy the hospitality of our fine private stock whiskey and our collection of neighbourhood crackies? I have to say, you lot are some of the more delicious looking assassins I have seen, and I look forward to molesting you all.
Excellent Bribes
Promises of sexual impropriaties asides, a few of you did manage to stick out above the rest, either with bribes or with charms. That bottle of single barrel Blanton will be enjoyed with great relish, a bribe of class and sophistication. Mustache is very impressed. And that little calling card which is cleverly descriptive of a certain Agent's name? I hope you carry them with you, and leave one with your victims so they can wipe off the shame of their loss.
Get cracking on the killing... please...
That said, the clock has just struck 3:38am and our Shadow Government mainframe email server is still sadly void of any kill reports? I hope for your sake, that some "good news" arrives in our mailbox before Supreme Commander wakes up from his slumbers, as he is not nearly as kind or forgiving as me, and a great storm of fury will be unleashed if he is not properly appeased with a good does of killing come morning.
Do not disappoint us young assassins.
Current status:
Total game kill count: 0
NYC 2006
Team Leaders!
September 24, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 11:21 PM
A pleasure meeting and drinking with all of you...apologies for any wait when coming to see us...
So...yer probably wondering who the special targets on the teams are...
The Shadow Government was carefully examining surveillance videos, collected since sign-ups began, of team players. After much debate, which included a long filibuster and numerous votes of the ruling council, we have decided the following subjects will be the special target for their realted teams.
This information will be valid for the entire game.
Teams, don't let yer leader and fellow members down...if the leader gets wet, the whole team is OUT.
No complaints, there's no crying in Killer.
and now...
Team Special Targets:
We're Gonna Kill All You Damn Zombies:
Toshi P.
Goodfellas:
Zubin N.
The Sexecutioners:
Blue T.
The Inner Circle:
Christine C.
High and Dry:
Brian N.
Wholesale Liquidators:
M. Papper
Hashish:
Jeremy K.
YAAARRR, Have You Seen Me Parrot:
Andrew J.
Ramskull:
Derek S.
Dirtsters:
Chris B.
Globex:
Nat S.
Village Heat:
Sarah L.
Wide Eyed:
N. Tischker
Los Muderosos:
Diego E.
Pedro Pizza Delivery and Church:
Chris D.
Roundhouse Kick to the Face:
Scott M.
Dead Cell:
Kenien S.
Sharks on a Bus:
Matthew V.
Team Shark:
Sterling O.
Dog Face Magoo:
Sarah S.
Snuffdumpster:
Doug D.
Liquid Slayers (K.I.L.L.S.):
Randy R.
El Cano:
Amy C.
Squirtaroos:
Vivienne G.
C17H21NO4:
Adrian G.
Team Awesome Awesome:
Kristen P.
Bushwick Country Club:
John R.
Drunken Redhead Sluts:
Jamie S.
Aegir's Maw:
Ben W.
Kid Robot:
Shannon R.
Heldentod:
Nona V.
Newlywed Ninja Syndicate:
Lianne M.
MarxMen:
Monty M.
That is all...now get to killin...or dying, as the case may be...
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
NYC 2006
NYC 2006 Tournament Starts Soon
September 22, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 02:42 AM
The NYC 2006 StreetWars tournament starts in mere days. If you haven't recieved detailed instructions on how to proceed, you probably were a douch and never emailed us your info before the deadline expired.
Can't help you with that.
For the brave assassins in this year's NYC tournament... here is a tip.
Come to the dossier pick-up in disguise.
There will be many of your fellow aspiring assassins swarming the pick-up location this weekend, it is best to avoid being recognized.
I look forwrd to seeing you all. Be prepared to have your life turned upside down for the next three weeks.
Work hard and slack harder. Make me proud, my young soon-to-be assassins.
Contact your Shadow Governement Official: liveinfear@streetwars.net