NYC 2006
How To Fuck
October 3, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 07:22 AM
Current status...
Total game kill count: 68
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (7)
I am actually embarrassed for you that I even have to make this post.
I would have thought that all that porno watching and peeping your parents banging through half-open doors would have made this post unnecessary. Obviously, I was wrong.
So, listen, take it from someone that has (a) killed lots of people; and (b) probably had sex with your mom.
Assassining is much like the sex making, you want to attack ravenously, but you gots to be sure that you can keep the intensity up until the end.
You kids are like one who enters the pussy without sufficient stamina to contain the nut butter for more than a few pumps.
You started out great, I thought you were real superstars, but in the past few days, I have been more impressed by my bowel movements [pics available upon request] than I have been by you...but at least some of you have been killing...
The first week of the tournament is complete and those of you that haven't done what you were supposed to do will be like *totally* pimp-slapped out of the game.
[some exceptions may be made...IF you actually put work into wetting your target...if you DO NOT get an email from me kicking you out of the tournament, consider yourself spared]
You are poor excuses for assassins...seriously, it kinda makes me physically ill just thinking about you. I can feel the bile rise in the back of my throat with each letter I type writing about you and your non-exploits.
*spit*
Even that can't get the foul taste of your lack of skills out of my mouth...it's like a mixture of cheap booze and hooker-spit. Is it really so hard to find someone and wet them? Actually, not even wet them - just *try* to wet them? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Entry into the world of professional assassins requires, at the minimmum, dedication...dedication you must not have.
Go back to the comfort of your couch...find the nice impession of your ass and nestle in it once again, eat your Doritos and kick back and relax. Watch the action shows on TV and movies and rest easy knowing that if you were ever in that situation, you would fail, just as you did now.
Like your parents, I am disappointed in you.
Perhaps, next time you will be more agressive and dedicated.
Sigh.
Despite my repugnance at your lack of wetting, it pains me to see you go, as I would have liked all of you to have experienced the thrill of the hunt. Alas, it is not to be...this time...
To those of you that made it past the first week, I offer my heartfelt congratulations. No easy feat to last this long...many have fallen to the liquid justice doled out by their fellow competitors...and more will soon fall by the hand of the Rogue Assassins.
But enough of my masturbating your eyes with my fancy words, time for me to get all sorts of up in the Harem and time for you kids to get jiggy with some player stories and the game update.
Kill stories after the jump.
In today's update
- Jorge Salsa (1) irrigated the face off Jimmy Conway (0), extra humiliation points as Conway was team leader of the team formerly known as Goodfellas
- Wholesale Liquidators (2) bukkaked Evaporator (0)
- The Sparrow (2) dropped bombs from the sky, crappifying the day of Shadow Catcher (0)
- Agent Orange (2) went all Vietnam flashback on Vivian Darkbloom (0)
- Team Bushwick Country Club (7) gangbanged pjenroute (0) in the mouth (Is anyone going to be able to put a stop to this killing spree?)
- Humperdink (1) doused the flames of Firestarter (1)
- Admiral Killjoy(1) redundified Aquatic Ninja (0)
Your daily kill stories
Wholesale Liquidators (2) bukkaked Evaporator (0)
Don't know what to get that special someone for Yom Kippur? Let Wholesale Liquidators� help... with luxurious watches to die for, this week on sale!...
Maybe he isn't a surfer. Maybe he doesn't dig on asian chics. Maybe that isn't his girlfriend feeding his cat. Maybe you shouldn't follow her in a cab. Maybe that isn't even his apartment. And maybe that's him coming out right now while you're arguing about it.
Timing is everything and now's the time to buy the Wholesale Liquidators� Equalizer�... Don't call it coincidence. This beautiful timepiece always makes sure you're down to the second. How? It only reads High Noon, time to whack that motherfucker.
So he might not understand "Surf's up, [Jason]!!!", but he'll understand this... A dirtnap. And savings!
"unparalleled beauty... unbeatable performance..." WHOLESALE LIQUIDATORS� Merchants of Death
Jorge Salsa (1) irrigated the face off Jimmy Conway (0)
As of Saturday night Zubin Nagpal has been removed. His kind of answering of the door to a not so innocent inquiry for solo cups from a not so existent neighbor didn't work out for him. Being the team leader of his sorry bunch of "Goodfellas", that puts his entire team to rest. Please inform me of my next target.
Agent Jorge Salsa
The Sparrow (2) dropped bombs from the sky, crappifying the day of Shadow Catcher (0)
It was an extremely cool kill, and the result of some careful detective work: I figured out the names of the people in his building by drinking in some nieghbourhood bars. Ultimately, the kill was cool: it hinged on whiskey (for neighbours) and smoking (to get Target to windows).
Admiral Killjoy(1) redundified Aquatic Ninja (0)
01 October 2006 1745 Local
As target was returning home from a weekend trip, target remained outside, unprotected, long enough for positive identification. Target proceed to walk up an embankment as assassin broke cover from across the street, using passing traffic and parked vehicles to disguise approach. As target reached for the front door, it was then the target realized he was unarmed as he finally faced his assassin. To say the target begged for mercy would be absurd, but the target did request quarter, for the targets young son was upon us. Instead of annihilation from a water balloon at point blank range, the assassin opted for the honorable and stealthy shot from a concealed pistol to save face and humiliation. Without honor an assassin is just a petty murderer. The target died worthy of a heroes lament. No joy in this kill.
Admiral Killjoy
Team Bushwick Country Club (7) gangbanged pjenroute (0)
At 8:08 agent PJEnroute was eliminated by way of Buzz Bee (R) Firefly (tm). Bushwick Country Club agents observed agent Enroute in his place of residence. As he exited the building's front door he met his watery demise. We are awaiting further instructions.
Humperdink (1) doused the flames of Firestarter (1)
I will not divulge my secrets, but let it be known that Firestarter will spark no more. He was a worthy advesary, but in the end he was left gurgling on the sidewalk in my watery wake.
I eagerly await my next assignment, so that I may prove to the most worthy Shadow Government that such delays in carnage will not recur.
-Agent Humperdink
Agent Orange (2) went all Vietnam flashback on Vivian Darkbloom(0)
i dedicate this kill to my goddess, my one and only deity...
vivian darkbloom was eleminated by agent orange my goddess called while i was shooting vivian. almost a divine intervention. almost.
overall a rather boring kill even though days were spent in preperation.
Contact your Shadow Governement Official: liveinfear@streetwars.net