NYC 2006

Didi mao!

October 13, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 10:59 AM

Current status...
Players remaining: 22
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (10)

You punks have three days. Three days to make your kills before Sudden Death. I could go on calling you lot wieners, but that doesn't seem to be motivating you. What motivation could I give you? Naked photos? A bubble tea franchise? My Li'l Hanzo sword? A chinchilla coat? Such things pale in comparison to your pride.

In today's update

• Los Murderosos (3) wetted Repler (2)
  
• Mr. Peter Stevens (3) stunted Sprout (2)
  
• Wholesale Liquidators (5) smashed The Hewbrew Hammer (4)
  
• And in overdue news: Pilot (3) bushwacked two members of Bushwick Country Club (10) last week

  Your daily kill stories

  Los Murderosos (3) wetted Repler (2)

  At 1845 Tuesday night one Robert Epler was eliminated by one Mathematical Impossible outside his place of work.

  The best attacks are launched under the cover of darkness and in inclement weather. This was one of the best attacks. Since my target lives in the building next to me I have not been able to stake him out at his apartment, relying instead on stakeouts of his place of work. Unfortunately there are two exits to his building and only one Mathematical Impossible, making the stakeout a game of Streetwars roulette. Last night, on the third stakeout, my target's luck ran out. Mathematically speaking his wetting was overdue.

  I knew the bad weather would put my target at ease - after all, what kind of psycho would stand outside someone's building in the rain just to try to spray water on them? Mathematical Imposssible is precisely that kind of psycho. The rain and darkness made it difficult to ID the target, so I stood right outside the main entrance of his building, hid behind a column and waited. At approximately 1845 my target came outside. I was not sure if it was him, but since I was about to call it a night anyway due to serious chilidog related intestinal problems, I decided I was going to soak this guy regardless. I moved in behind him as he stepped off the curb and called his name. Like a true assasin he ignored me - at first. Then he turned his head towards me ever so slowly, glanced at me and took off running in a burst of manic speed. Since I had decided I was going to wet this person no matter who they were, I was already reaching for my gun. He didn't take more than two steps before my drops of death joined the NYC rain dripping down his
  back.

  He was a very nice guy, with good assasin isntincts. He had two kills under his belt already, pretty respectable for a lone assasin. His mistake was thinking that no one was going to stalk him in the rain. His misfortune was that his dossier was given to me.

  Mathematical Impossible
  

  
  Wholesale Liquidators (5) smashed The Hewbrew Hammer (4)
  

  
  Dear Shadow Government, I have failed you. I am dead. I am sorry for failing you.

  Agent Oates deserves winning this game just for the kill he made tonight. I'm a genius and he outsmarted me. I thought I had all my bases covered but he managed to find a weakness in my elaborate defense. Just so you'll understand what he managed to overcome, let me give you some details. The entrance to my home is wide open and inviting like a 12 years old girl in Bangkok. I haven't seen it since the game started. My daily route back home includes two electronic id swipes; unlocking doors with fingerprints and codes; underground tunnels that are not accessible to the public; entering a campus 5 blocks away from my place; going through a private pedestrian bridge that connects the campus and my building complex; entering a different building in the building complex; going down to the cellar; crossing the cellar to my building; taking the elevator to the fifth floor (I live on the third floor); sending the elevator empty back to the third floor; going down by foot to the third floor and soaking who ever might be waiting for me there. I did this every day, even when I came back at 5am, even when it meant making a half an hour detour in the rain. I also changed my appearance so much some friends fail to recognize me. Yes, I am paranoid. But not paranoid enough to get away from agent Oates. Supreme, Agent Oates deserves your praise. He deserves your gold. He deserves your Harem.
  Everybody else, you might as well quit now.

  And Li'l, on a side note, I apologize for failing to dedicate a kill to you.

  SC, MC, and Li'l
  It was a rare pleasure serving under you,
  HH
  

  
  

  
  Wholesale Liquidators� encourages you to... Check out our Hardware
  Department, where our tools aren't just solid, they're... Divine!
  Blessed by a genuine rabbi, nothing beats nailing a Hebrew Hammer,
  and nobody but Wholesale Liquidators� offers you this exquisite
  instrument of construction! But if you're looking for fluorescent
  over-sized guns or some novelty toy parade, you're in the wrong
  department, dunny. We use the real tools of the trade: wits,
  stealth, focus.

  Ask Oates!, your hardware specialist!...

  Hebrew Hammer was damn near flawless. No living assassin had ever
  seen him. His cunning defense stifled his pursuers; he left them
  miscues and baits that made them think they were closing in, when
  they were simply chasing their tail. Three days ago I began work on
  nailing the Hammer. I received intel from his previous
  assailants... Nothing. It was all dogshit. Everything the previous
  assassins had on him was fabricated or a trap. Not even the
  slightest idea as to what hours of day he worked. Online there was
  even less. My target was the real deal, he was way ahead of the
  game. I knew I couldn't underestimate a damn thing and no sense in
  trying to get close, this was all about finding cracks in the armor.

  Hebrew Hammer's tactics were perfect. That's precisely how I could
  kill him.

  I plotted out the most perfect way to enter and exit the building
  from his apartment. I also figured that he'd be ready for all the
  obvious sniper nests along the route...

  "I knew that at some point someone would wait for me along my daily
  route back home. The pedestrian bridge, the cellar, the playground in
  my building complex, the elevators in my building, the stairway next
  to my apartment, just outside my door. I was always ready to shoot..."

  Agent Hall was deejaying, so I was solo. My first tactics were to
  cover a lot of possible entrances at the same time--I guarded
  staircases by listening to vacuum-suction effects created by other
  doors in the stairwell, and used window reflections to cover other
  hallways and entrances--but this was spreading myself too thin. I
  knew for all the advantages I tried to take, he'd be ready and
  quicker. What I needed was one focused strategy. Let him get
  comfortable along the route and then break him when he least expected
  it. The problem was, every possible ambush was accounted for.
  Except for one...

  22 L 26

  I don't think I'll ever forget those stupid fucking digits. 22 L 26
  are the numbers I stared at unflinching for 6 hours in the vacant
  lobby of the adjacent building. Three elevators, three floors, three
  numbers. I was banking on my theory that Hammer, after the bridge,
  takes the elevator on floor 3, and travels down to the cellar. I was
  waiting on L, the floor he never stops at, in between those floors.
  I kept the left and right elevators settled at floors 22 and 26, just
  so they didn't fuck up my plan. I kept the middle elevator on L. If
  Hammer took the elevator from the 3rd floor, the one sitting on L
  would go up. When he pushed C (for cellar), I could intercept it
  from the lobby by pushing the down button. Six hours of staring at
  22 L 26... I kept thinking about vagina to stay awake, and I kept
  getting hard, standing alone in that silent lobby.

  ... At approximately 3:15am, Hebrew Hammer arrived home. He walked
  down the hallway from the bridge, got in the elevator, and pushed the
  button for the cellar. The doors opened at the Lobby. Nobody
  there. I waited out of view, to the side, in case his gun was up.
  When I saw a hand reach for the button to close the doors, I side-
  stepped and shot him once in the chest. That was the first time I
  ever laid eyes on Hebrew Hammer, when he was dead.

  Take it from Oates! If you want to build a perfect trap out of a
  perfect escape route, our experts can help you. If you want to build
  toys for newspaper write-ups, or you want to play squirt games with
  British hacks, try Walmart.

  "unparalleled beauty...
  unbeatable performance..."
  WHOLESALE LIQUIDATORS�
  Merchants of Death
  

   

  Contact your Shadow Governement Official: liveinfear@streetwars.net