The Great Purge

Your daily kill stories

Note: As we're always very drunk here in the Shadow Government we, on occasion (often), miss a few kill stories here and there. Now, as you cats are weak-ass punk bitches that can't keep up the killin', in order to give you some amusement I will be posting a few of them "forgotten" kill stories.

Oh!

Also, Team High N' Dry is hereby cordially invited to lick my left nut, as they got the only kill today and did not submit a kill story.

So...

Without further ado...

Forgotten Kill Stories...

The Backdoor Bandit serenades us with a poem:

My spies saw you outside my apartment.

Yes, Captain Goldenshower and Super Bukkake Boy always find their man.

'Cute boy with a suit on to the left', they giggled.

My pistol is twice the size of yours, yet you really thought you had a chance with me?

See you in 24 hours, bitch.

Love, The Backdoor Bandit

(Oh yeah, and cut your goddamn hair. Hippies don't read The Journal.)

Frankie the Hipster Slayer went carnevale on the Brailipole

Upon receiving my target, I thought to myself..."She looks really familiar" After conducting a background search, I found that I went to H.S. with my target and an article about her burgeoning model career. I decided to contact her through an elaborate cover story...Here are the e-mails...

My EMAIL 1: Hi M(...), My name is Frank (...) . I am a THHS alum as well. I have started a little project that I think you might be perfect for. I have secured an investment recently for a pilot of a new reality game show. The show is a bit like America's Next Top Model only there is an equal if not more emphasis on brains as well as beauty.

Naturally, I first trawled my TH yearbook looking for quality candidates. I actually have one other Harrisite on board from my year who is a model. You probably don't know her though. I kind of have a photographic memory and remembered you being one of the few really beautiful girls in that school, so I Googled you, and, lo and behold I find you are already in modeling as well. Looks like Ms. Nix really showed you how to stay in shape;)

Anyhow, I can't really give too many details now, but I am hoping you might be interested. If you are I'd love for you to get in touch with me either by,myspace e-mail, or you can call my cell phone @ (...) anytime. I'll need to know your SAT score as well.

If you are interested in meeting to talk about the project, we can meet at my office at (...) sometime, or if your schedule doesn't allow that, we can figure something out.

Hope to hear back from you, Sincerely, Frank (...)

HER REPLY: Hi Frank,

Thanks for contacting me. I totally remember you - were you on track? Anyway an ANTM type intellectual tv show. Sounds intriguing. I'd love to know more about the project ie time frame, involvement, etc. My email's (...) or myspace is fine too but I have a crazy firewall at work and I can't access web based email so I'll be responding at night when I get home. I work in midtown from 9:30-6:30ish which should make a meeting easy. I'll have to look up my sat score (somewhere) I don't remember exactly what it was - but I don't think it was that great. (Don't know if that's a deal-breaker :)

Look forward to hearing from you, M.

My EMAIL 2: Hey Michelle,

I'm glad you remember me; Yes I was on track...oh those were the days. So, the time frame for the pilot is on the fast track as well. I don't have specifics as of yet as I'm still looking for 4 more candidates (if you know of any good ones let me know). I can give you more specifics about the show at the meeting, but I'll need to have you sign a confidentiality agreement first (legal bullshit, you know how it is) I think you'll be very surprised at how the show ends.

I would love it if you could give me a call , or e-mail me your number as soon as possible. The phone is just way easier for me to work with through all this craziness, and we need to meet soon. As of now I am available to meet all day tomorrow,and Wednesday, preferably at (...) as my camera person is there and it is a good space for filming. If you can make it, please let me know. You can call me anytime.

Hope to see you soon, Frank

PS. I doubt the SAT score is a deal breaker, it's just one stat we'll be looking at.

SOOOO... I met her at the assigned location, with an Agent of the Supreme Commander filming it all, posing as my cameraman. She mentioned she was in a hurry as she had something to do after the interview. I asked what, and she proceeded to tell me all about streetwars, as I feigned ignorance and asked her all types of enthusiastic questions about it. I even got her to give me her gun (disgraceful assassin etiquette BTW...shame on you!) and fired it a few times in the elevator ride (at least someone got to shoot her gun...) After getting her into the room, we filmed a mock interview for the show which I told her was called "Disarming Beauty" I thanked her for going out of her way to film it. "You have no idea how easy you're making this for me." I said at one point. At the end of the interview I launched into a diatribe about vanity being the downfall of all models.

"M...we both have a lot in common, both grew up in Queens, went to the same prestigious high school {I draw my gun, which does not seem to register in her mind right away} and we both work as assassins for the Shadow Government...

After a 5 second pause in which she realized she was set up the bomb;I thought she might cry, and I asked her if she had any last words. After another 5 second pause..."No"

So I shot her in the neck and face..an honorable death leaving no watermarks on her outfit. Live and learn young assassin. I expect you'll do better next time. Hopefully they release the video soon... and now for my next trick...

The Hipster Slayer

Globex de-apprenticed Travelgoat

target: TravelGoat team Globex assassin: Brock kill location: Inside the targets stairwell kill time: 8:29pm

synopsis: This was our toughest kill to date. Not because this assassin was a challenge, because he wasn't. For Christs's sake, he didn't even cary his gun like a wee bit of protection or a security blanket. All he had going for him, was an unusual schedule, a false sense of security, and that he got me as his assassin over the jew year. Ofcourse our target being the good little goy was MIA during the holidays and many hours of surveliance left me feeling hungry, not only because I too was fasting, but because I'd gone a whole week without a personal kill, and the team hadn't had one since Friday. I wanted revenge for making me wait so long. Where does this guy get the nerve to go about his daily routines oblivious to the fact that he had a hard working assassin waiting for him at home. Slaving over a hot loaded water gun, just oozing with anticipation, as I pump, pump, pumped it...I'm getting ahead of myself.

Suffice it to say, tonight was going to be the last night. I couldn't wait any longer and had resigned myself to waiting endlessly till my little lamb arrived for his wetting. And arrive he did, right into the stairwell I was so aptly hiding from him in. I guess he thought some fool would be waiting for him in the hallway and he was going to sneak in. But he simply walked right into my sights and as my stream projected right into his left eye, he lurched to run, but it was too late.

Done with the rest, now on to the next.

"To prey on thier fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill."

-Brock