SF2007

No Good Douche Goes Unpunished

January 31, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 05:10 AM

Game Status Update...
Players Remaining: 12
Current Kill Leader:Zeno (6)

Today was gonna be a good day. I just got rid of all the crap players (some of you may have just been unlucky, but in my book lacking luck is crappy, hence your inclusion...that said, I still love all of you long time - 'specially if yer disease free and got the XX chromosomes), the rogues have begun killing (shout out to RedEye - first kill on behalf of the rogues and the 2006 SF champion) and I was about to sit down to a bowl of Lucky Charms with Whiskey and my morning rusty trombone, when I got news that there's one more piece of leftover trash I need removed. A player with enough kills to stay in, but with dangerously high levels of douchebaggery...a cocksmoker I should have had killed way sooner....but all in good time I guess...

As for the rest of you, ones that were removed due to lack of kills rather than lies and doucherry...

You are poor excuses for assassins...seriously, it kinda makes me physically ill just thinking about you. I can feel the bile rise in the back of my throat with each letter I type writing about you and your non-exploits.

*spit*

Even that can't get the foul taste of your lack of skills out of my mouth...it's like a mixture of cheap booze and hooker-spit. Is it really so hard to find 2 people and wet them? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Entry into the world of professional assassins requires, at the minimmum, dedication, luck and skill...obviously you are missing some or all of those qualities and for that, I am disgusted by you (though I must repeat that if yer disease free and got the XX chromosomes I likely find you less disgusting - possibly doable even).

Go back to the comfort of your couch...find the nice impession of your ass and nestle in it once again, eat your Doritos and kick back and relax. Watch the action shows on TV and movies and rest easy knowing that if you were ever in that situation, you would fail, just as you did now (though probably not as bad as you would ahve otherwise, as you have experience now).

Like your parents, I am disappointed in you.

Perhaps, next time you will be more agressive and dedicated.

Sigh.

Despite my repugnance at your lack of wetting, it pains me to see you go, as I would have liked all of you to have experienced the thrill of the hunt. Alas, it is not to be...this time...

Respect to the 11 of the 12 left in the tournament. You have a week to demolish the rest of your competitors and avoid Sudden Death (which has never been done before in the history of StreetWars). Best of luck.

In today's update:

• Dr. Monkey (3) had a heavy flow day and Sizelove (0) got wet, earning his Red Wings
• Dr. Monkey (4) ate the shit out of Nun Sandwich (2), but left the bread and toppings aside.

Kill stories and crap follow.

Dr. Monkey (3) had a heavy flow day and Sizelove (0) got wet, earning his Red Wings

Shadow Government,

I have placed Greg Hernandez out of his misery. After a slow week of stalking I'm off to get fried chicken and booze.

Agent Dr. Monkey

Dr. Monkey (4) ate the shit out of Nun Sandwich (2), but left the bread and toppings aside.

Shadow Government,

This morning I found my self waking up to the early 7am morning sound of street cleaners. I quickly put on my smelly stalking clothes, which I wore all weekend, to beat my own personal midgets, The S.F.P.D. Meter Maids.

I made my move, from my front door to the car, it was all a blur. No assassins in sight just... The Meter Maid. She threw her ticket book to the ground in frustration as I waved my fist back at her. I drove around looking for parking, got the urge to kill and went to my targets apartment.

When I arrived at my targets apartment it was 7:20am. I parked 2 blocks away and hide my self in a drive way near my by. Cold and patiently waiting, the target drove in to his garage at 9am. He must be back from a hunt I thought.

9:10am, a neighbor drives in to the same garage and leaves the door open. I do a quick weapons check and run into the open garage door. The haste I make my way up to the second floor and find the targets apartment door and take a seat around a wall in the hall way.

9:30am, the targets door open, I swing around, just dodging a spray, while shooting in to the the open apartment door crack. GOT HIM!

I proudly report my 4th kill, Nun Sandwich, was made this morning at 9:30am.

The target was eliminated after only 2 1/2 hours of stalking time.

Agent Dr.Monkey.

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SF2007

Oh, the horror.

January 28, 2007 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 09:13 PM

Current status...
Total Kill Count: 49
Current kill leader: Zeno (6)

It's Sunday. The day of rest and restitution. It is also hours away from the end of week two and that means super funky mass eliminations. I will leave it up to The Commanders to publicly give you the details of how this coming week goes down and how many players will be remaining. What I will tell you is that if you do not have two kills (or special allowance), then your sorry ass is out of the game. That's what you get for sucking. And you don't get prizes for sucking. Except for The Li'l Abacus Golden Tampon Award - but I don't think I'll be giving out fifty of those. So hard to choose just one of you. It will probably go to a cracker. Because I hate white people.

In today's update

SF2007

Like Donkey Kong, It Is Now On!

January 27, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 10:38 AM

Game Status Update...
Total Kill Count: 46
Current Kill Leader: Tie: NightThrasher (5) and Zeno (5)

Now this is starting to get fun...

Peep the kill leader information I had my strong, yet suprisingly soft and gentle, hands type up there. You see we have us a nice li'l tie situation going on between NightThrasher and Zeno going on...but we also have something even more interesting than that going on as well...

You see...one of them is hunting the other.

Now...I could step back and not reveal who is hunting whom...but where would the fun in that be? I don't know...and as I don't like things that I don't know, I'll go with what I know as opposed to what I don't know (which I don't like)....and I know that I told youse to re-peep the kill leader information for a reason.

Also, let me just say that I will gladly be an intermediary if people want to pass along info to certain other people to hurt them or to help them. So, I really hope neither of you two have people you don't like reading this and willing to sell you out.

I'm quite curious to see how this pans out...

In today's update:

• Zeno liquidly sexed in the anus of Mr. Opolis. Now the crafty killer is running for kill leader...stay alive.


• You ever see the Faces of Death where they have those dudes put a live monkey in this weird contraption and then bash its head in and eat fresh brain? Well, that's exactly what Nahsor (2) did to Monkey Head (0) except he didn't actually bash her skull in or eat her brain...so maybe not exactly like Faces of Death, but you get where I'm coming from
• Boris the Blade (1) went all Meteorological on Raining Wet Death (0)...and was later Meteorologicalized himself.

Kill stories and crap follow.

You ever see the Faces of Death where they have those dudes put a live monkey in this weird contraption and then bash its head in and eat fresh brain? Well, that's exactly what Nahsor (2) did to Monkey Head (0) except he didn't actually bash her skull in or eat her brain...so maybe not exactly like Faces of Death, but you get where I'm coming from

Dear beloved shadow government,

It is with great please that I inform you of the demise of Monkey Head. After days of stalking, I was becoming restless, and just as I was beginning to gather up a harem to offer you, I decided to give it one last chance. I pulled up to Monkey Head's house around 9:30, parked across the street and waited for half an hour until a spot opened in front to the buildings door. I took the car around the block and as I turned on the street I saw her opening the door. Knowing that every moment was precious, I sped up, pulled over jumped out and blasted the girl. Bring on the next dry sucka.

-Agent Nahsor

Zeno liquidly sexed the anus of Mr. Opolis. Now the crafty killer is running for kill leader...stay alive.

With pleasure I report in tonight that I've made my third kill in as many days, as my most recent Target has felt the blade of mine weapon, the sharp, wet...thing that I carry around.

Also with pleasure, I can report that this Target did not moisten idly - he was the first of my Marks to return fire, and it took me time and effort twentyfold compared with my last kill. I must respect a man of such complexity.

The story began last night when I took down Wolf Bait. Unfortunately, Dog Food did not have on him my next assignment, and as a condolence, he offered up my new Target's name and place of residence, and even went so far as to drive me to said residence, where I began my initial stakeout. Though I denigrate him for the ease with which I took him out, Pet Chow did go out of his way to further my cause, and I must thank him appropriately. Anyway, the stakeout we're now discussing did not begin smoothly. Though my Target's home was clearly unoccupied, I had not yet had a chance to do any research on him, and I did not know what he looked like. I HAD NOT SEEN A SINGLE PICTURE. The only intel I had told me to expect him on a bike, and even this was obtained unsolicited from a dubious source, a man who deals in the information black market, who could just as easily be working with the man holding my name. Nevertheless, high on the endorphins from my last kill, I decided that I was armed sufficiently, plenty alert, and that my balls were too big to fit in my pants, and certainly too big to give up yet.

And thus it was that I soaked my first civilian - the upstairs neighbor who was unfortunate enough to be a bicycle rider himself. I must carry this shame with me as I continue my life, and use the grief to power my drive.

After 2 and a half hours on this first stakeout, halfway through which I doused the biker - someone else arrived home, claiming to be my Target's roommate. Not eager to repeat my mistake of just an hour before, I chose to believe him and call it a night. In retrospect, this was the right choice.

Tonight, with only slightly more research, but aided greatly by several photos, I decided that I must make a second attempt on Target's home. Again, this proved to be another torturous 2+ hour endeavor, including another run-in with the unfortunate civilian from last night, who managed to get away dry this time. Just before I gave up all hope, thinking that my Target must have found another home to which to retire, telltale headlights shone in my direction, and a suspicious figure emerged. I could not make out his face, and the cut of his coif was unexpected, but there was no mistaking the menace he held under his overcoat - a menace full of life-taking liquid. Upon sensing this threat, my instincts knew no hesitation, and my guns were drawn and fired before he could completely fumble his weapon out from behind his coat. There was a moment of confusion where my Target believed he had life left in him and managed to eek out a few shots himself, but they fell short on both timing and distance.

And thus it is that I may have found my way neck-and-neck with Night Thrasher, five for five. I am honored to have a competitor who also feels the constant need to soak with precision and accuracy, and I look forward to the day when our skills, wits and weapons will be matched.

In the meantime, I await my next Target.

Victorious whiskey always as my muse,

-Agent Zeno

Boris the Blade (1) went all Meteorological on Raining Wet Death (0)...and was later Meteorologicalized himself.

On Jan 18, at 11:48pm team Raining Wet Death was rained out by GLORIOUS SON OF MOTHER RUSSIA: Me.

It took only 6 hours of recon work and 30 min to execute the perfectly planned operation - codename "DIE, CAPITALIST PIGS, DIE!!!" Out of three members of the Raining Wet Death one was a geek working two jobs, another was a geek working one job, and yet another was an unemployed geek pretending to be working (I guess, in hiding). This team was inferior to my elite assassination training with the most superior secret service in the world – KGB, Red Alert unit. It took almost no time to find the weakest link, conduct reconnaissance and execute...

My victim did not want to get wet easy - there were arguments, attempted negotiations, and a lot of begging involved. Next morning, coming to his senses, my undisputed victory was acknowledged by my mediocre, but honorable adversary.

On Jan 21, at 8:42pm member of competing Russian secret service “ Natascha“
has pleasantly surprised me with refreshing spray proving once again: no one
can kill a Russian but another Russian! She was provided with info on my
current mark, inherited from Raining Wet Death.

End of transmission.

-- Boris The Blade

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SF2007

The knives edge closer...

January 25, 2007 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 08:27 PM

Game status update
Total kill count: 42

Kill leader: Night Thrasher (5)

Stepping briefly away from the duties that comes from being presented with so much delicious fried chicken and burbon, I return to the Mustache Mainframe® to see what kind of drama and entertainment you aspiring SF assassins have in store the ol' Mustache. Fingers still greasy from fried goodness, I tapped the keys to find only two measly kills, but wait... DRAMA INDEED?

Two of your best assassins from this here round, will soon be seeing each other from the corners of their eyes. One target, one prey.

Eager to see how this shakes out.

Also, don't forget this Sunday, at Laszlo's (2526 Mission St), is DRINKS FOR THE DEAD.

Come drink with your fellow dead players, and heck maybe even get laid.

In today's update:

• Night Thrasher (5) dickens the The Dude (0)
• Agent Zeno (4) chowed down on Wolf Bait (0)

Full story after the jump

Your daily kill stories

Night Thrasher (5) dickens the The Dude (0)

A Tale of Two Dudes.

It was the best of kills, it was the worst of kills. Two Dudes in two days. Less than 24 hours after whacking Lebowski, I, NightThrasher, popped 'The Dude'. It was a sublimely easy kill. After staking out his work yesterday, I watched my quarry board the N Judah. Alas there was not sufficient space-time to pull my piece and mount an attack. Positioning myself, this a.m., between said conveyance and my prey's abode, the fickle fingers of fate dealt The Thrasher a Royal Flush. Nanoseconds after my arrival my mark appeared. Like the dodo, unaccustomed to natural predators, 'The Dudo' left himself open to strike.

And verily, NightThrasher didst imbue the Dickens out of him.

Agent Zeno (4) chowed down on Wolf Bait (0)

You set 'em up, I wet 'em down.

Within 15 minutes of arriving at Target's lovely JP Morgan-financed Presidio home, I was eagerly greeted by none other than he himself standing backlit behing an opening garage door. I greet him by name and his game is up with one shot to the face.



I wish there were more to the story, but that's really all there is.

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SF2007

Volunteers, Fried Chicken and Space Docking

January 25, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 04:33 AM

Game Status Update

Total Kill Count: 39

Current Kill Leader: Tie: NightThrasher (4) and the now deceased 1337 (4)

Lately when I wake up in my Emperor sized bed, with baby seal skin sheets, surrounded by a bevy of former virgins and I reach for my morning piece of breakfast fried chicken, I'm in a fairly craptastic mood.

You'd think that my liquor, gold, women and general disregard for the sanctity of life would keep me in a good mood all the time, but let me tell you that after a few years of living the high life ennui sets in hardcore. Then you start doing insaner shit just to see if it will make you feel alive. Hence my blatant disregard for numbers, the repeated beating and torture of my servants (Abu Ghraib ain't got nothing on the hallowed halls of the SG headquarters - granted our joint is cleaner and classier). I like the servants to feel special as they are getting their genitals electrocuted), my conceptual fascination with Space Docking, my hated of midgets and my interest in knowing what one would eat the week prior to being forced to taste their own shit.

Anyway, my point is that I feel that perhaps this languor has beset some of you assassins and, while you may not have the funds and social status to get away with doing the same things I do to deal with it, I would like to offer you a way to both spice up your assassinating and allow you to make it into week 3 of the tournament despite not having the minimum 2 kills – now this is only for those with large testicles (or the equivalent engorged body part for women that signals toughness – uterus?):

A volunteer mission.

Here's how it goes: you email us your desire to participate, if we choose you, we release your information to all the living assassins and the rogues. If you survive to Monday, you get a free pass to week 3 and perhaps a small token of our respect.

In today's update:

• NightThrasher (4) peed on the rug of a man for this time and place...sleep well Lebowski (1)
• Team Shabang Shabang (1) peeled squeezed and drank up the vitamin C fortified goodness of The 5th Orange (0)
• Kman (2) rocked it like a successful Elmer Fudd - homeboy found the rabbit hole, ordered some firehose equipment from ACME and let fly with some liquid death, wettifying himself one Rabbit (0)


• Zeno (3) went all Perfect Storm on The Belixious (1)


• Gweilo (2), although he did the killing, got a lesson on how real men operate - being schooled on the difference between a squirt and a stream by the always sexxxy Xtra Silky (0)




Kill stories and crap follow.

Your daily kill stories

NightThrasher (4) peed on the rug of a man for this time and place...sleep well Lebowski (1)

Agent NightThrasher confirming kill of Agent Lebowski.

This was a battle that raged on two fronts, over several days. The Dude was a worthy adversary, with the cunning of a fox, and the guile of a shaved greased hare. He bought himself a 24-hour reprieve on Monday, after a garage-door debacle that left the Thrasher limping, but far from limp. On Tuesday Lebowski pulled the rug from under me just as I was preparing to piss on it. Damn prostate. Today though, today, after a protracted gun battle, NightThrasher did what he does best... (and I don't mean talking about himself in the 3rd-person). After falling short with a mail-slot shot as The Dude gunned his whip in the garage, I secured a concealed vantage point through a small opening in the garage wall, beneath his power meter. I saw Lebowski's shoes, as he crouched, primed, hose-cannon in hand. Plunging my weapon-ed hand into the darkened slot I was able to loose a fusillade in his direction, before he hosed down my arm as if it were a newly-arrived lice-ridden convict at a correctional facility. I knew if he was wet then I was victorious. The Dude promptly and sportingly opened the door for corporeal inspection. Lo, there on his right arm was a trail of moist silvery beads, and the Thrasher had claimed another victim.

It was well that he went down fighting as he did, because I had already planned the next attack, inspired by Slayer's third album

[You lucky bastards get to read this story from both perspectives - SC]

I was killed this morning by Agent NightThrasher. During our second fierce gun battle at my compound, he somehow managed to actually put a hand with a gun THROUGH a wall of my home, all D.L. from "Heroes" stylee. I've never seen anything like it, but I shot at it anyway, with my Serious Motherfucker Home Defense Water Cannon [tm]. Chaos, resembling the final scene of Reservoir Dogs, ensued. We were both wet, but it wasn't entirely clear how the shit went down. The many high speed cameras I've set up around the perimeter of The Respectable Manor were destroyed by the various explosions, walls caving in, and bodies of civilian casualties draping themselves over them. I also lost several guard dogs, a couple of Hummers, and some motion activated smart targeting wall-mounted machine guns. I tipped my gun to James and conceded defeat. Afterwards, we synced up intel on each other, and on his next target. After hearing of his plans for me for the rest of the week, I consider myself lucky to have been taken out as mercifully as I was. He's a remorseless killing machine and I almost feel a little bad for his next target. Hope he doesn't have any pets or children.

Agent Lebowski

Team Shabang Shabang (1) peeled squeezed and drank up the vitamin C fortified goodness of The 5th Orange (0).

team shebang shebang caught mr H off guard. stalked him for hours today. i was walking on the opposite side of the street from his house. when out of the blue he starts walking my way. he was getting ready to cross the street-not at the light, jaywalker! when i called out his name he turned around and i shot him. he replys "oh man." ready for new assignment.

team shebang shebang

Kman (2) rocked it like a successful Elmer Fudd - homeboy found the rabbit hole, ordered some firehose equipment from ACME and let fly with some liquid death, wettifying himself one Rabbit (0).

6:30am is way to freaking early for an assassin who's been drinking all night. But knowing my target's a chump, I gambled I could probably just walk up to him and jizz him in the face... no need for anything elaborate. I did a quick drive-by of my target's apartment the night before. His car was parked right outside his front door so he's probably home with his girlfriend. The plan of attack was to get him in the morning as he leaves for work. After a quick coffee run to clear my head...and a quick bj from the Shanequa on Mission to clear my "other" head, I made my way to Ed's hood. He lives near a major intersection with bus stops at all four corners. It was going to be very easy to blend in with all the bus riders waiting at the stops. 8:00am, the girlfriend exits the apartment building. I walked by her to do a quick visual check. That's her so he must be close behind right? WRONG. Should have guessed he was a lazy bastard. Mind you, I'm a manly man but standing outside in the early morning for this long was so cold, it was making my bait'n tackle retrack inwards. If this guy doesn't come out soon, I was going to have to resort to plan B...Operation "JuicyLucy". Don't ask me what this is...you'll know it when it hits you. So after standing at the corner bus stop, counting numerous buses passed me by AND mistaken twice for a drug dealer, my target finally strolled out of his hole. 9:30am. Fucking took him long enough. The guy didn't even seem cautious... didn't act like he expects to be shot today. Sucka-foo! Today was his unlucky day. Took a sip of my whiskey laced coffee and faced his direction so I could get a clear shot. He had about 20 feet to go before he reached the bus stop. The guy had no chance. As he leisurely strolled towards me, I griped my trusty pistola hidden inside my coat. A visual check confirmed it was the target. Out comes the weapon... JIZZED like a dirty crack-ho. Rabbit is DEAD.

Zeno (3) went all Perfect Storm on The Belixious (1)

SG,

After 7 days of excruciating silence, I can finally report that my third target, The Belixious, is dripping from the ear. I promise no quality story in this update, however, as I am far too drunk on celebratory whiskey.

After recovering from the deadly biological weaponry (flu) my last target used to infect me, I spent a few days studying my new Target's habits at both his abode and his place of business. Since I found my Target occupied a desk in his office which was fully visible to me, even standing outside, I thought "yes, this shall be an easy task." Alas, I spent many a silent hour waiting outside on that first day before I promptly lost my Target on his exit. I still do not know what kind of black magic he used to elude me that day, but oh the pain it caused.

Saturday: The second attempt I made on my Target's dryness I decided to go balls-to-the-wall. His front porch was slightly obscured from the street by a waist-high wall, behind which I sat for approximately an hour waiting for his arrival home. This attempt would surely leave me completely exposed in the case of failure, but I decided that failure would not be acceptable. Unbeknownst to me, my Target was already indoors with his woman preparing for an outing. When the doorknob rattled, I was ready and had my pistol aimed to greet any exit with a shot between the eyes. Lucky for her, and perhaps less lucky for me, Target's woman exited the building first. I spared her, but her screams alerted Target to my presence, and he promptly shut and locked the door, offering his woman as a sacrifice for his safety.

Today, lunch: Two torturous hours waiting for Target to leave his office on a lunch break. Lesson learned: Target's job sucks donkey balls.

Today, evening: Waited patiently for Target to leave office. He was the last to go. Target's job still sucks donkey balls. Luckily for me, he does not recognize the man to whom he offered his mate just days before as our paths collide. As soon as he crosses the bridge from one building to another, clearly crossing a street below, I call him out and a short but solid shot jumps from my sidearm to Target's face. I offer him a towel, but he honorably declines.

Target did not have on him the profile of my next mark, but the name he mentioned may have been Chris ...whiskey haze sets in now... and he lives on Lake over in the Presidio. Sounds like I'll have a good fun time over by the old hospital.

Boozedly yours,

-Agent Zeno

Gweilo (2), although he did the killing, got a lesson on how real men operate - being schooled on the difference between a squirt and a stream by the always sexxxy Xtra Silky (0)

Agent Gweilo Reporting:

I have once again made a woman wet and moaning without even touching her. Xtra Silky is Dead.

1.24.07 0900

I depart with the dawn after a restless 3 hours of sleep to join the hordes of suits and skirts flocking to the Financial District. My initial plan to arise extremely early and stalk my victim at her home is thwarted by my nubile concubine who's determined love box keeps me rooted to my circular bed for an extra hour past my ETD. Exhausting her desires, I slip out of my lair and begin Plan B. Challenged by time, I am forced to drive the MoistMobile downtown to her office building. Fortunately the Assassin Gods are on my side, providing me with an ultra convenient parking place less than 10 meters from my stakeout point. After pumping a pound of loose currency into the parking meter ("shit, this thing must be broken, its only giving me 5 minutes for a quarter"), I stroll into the Megacorporation Coffee kiosk that is conveniently placed across the street from another Megacorporation Coffee which is also a half block down from a third of the same brand. I retrieved my UberGigantor Quadruple HalfCap Frothy Java drink from the chipper barrista and place myself within a vantage point of the two most convenient BART exits leading to her work.

The stream of mindless beasts exiting the escalator is thick, and I'm challenged to keep watch over every exiting drone without looking extremely obvious. I should have disguised myself as a mumbling panhandler, instead of the poor lanky office intern/possible bike messenger look that I was wearing. Hell, at least that way I might have made some cash while waiting for my target and at least paid for my parking, if not the gallon of supercaffeinated beverage that I was sipping. Time begins to pass and I fear that my morning may have been spent better in the capable arms of my personal masseuse. But there is no time for whining, I had a job to do.

It is almost 0900 with absolutely no sign of my hit, and the stream of '9 to 5ers' is beginning to wane. I strafe over to my escape vehicle to place one last bucket of coins in the meter. While heading back for another stroll of the station exit my pulse quickens when I see familiar wisps of light brown hair rising from the subway. I continue walking past her, confirming the telltale mole on her right cheek. Her hands are both out of her pockets, and her pace is focused on crossing the street to her office building. Her nervous glance bounces off my dark sunglasses and beanie, then moves on with no recognition of danger. Check and Mate.

Immediately after passing her, I double back and pace alongside until we are three paces from reaching the block of her building. A quick loving squirt brings about her demise. In the words of our esteemed President: 'Mission Accomplished'.

I must note that Xtra Silky did die a glorious death. Immediately after lightly basting her with my waterpistola, she exclaimed "NO, I wanted to go out better than that!!". I had initially spared the SS MAXD2000 on her primarily due to the presence of an officer of the peace who had, just before the moment of sighting her, walked into a nearby cafe for his daily cache of doughnuts. Never one to leave a woman wanting, I inquired: "If that wasn't good enough, then how would you like it?" "Give me you're best money shot!" she exclaimed. I was only too happy to oblige. And I must say, she was pretty happy with it as well.

Comments (183)

Week two begins

January 23, 2007 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 08:59 PM

Game status update
Total kill count: 33
Kill leader: 1337 (4)

Here's a friendly reminder as we step boldy into the heart of WEEK TWO.

You need 2 kills to make it into week three.

For all you slow pokes out there with only one kill, now is the time to put thy eyes on the prize. Don't let next Monday morning greet you with a note of dismissal from Li'l Abacus.

And for the rest of you with zero kills...
um...
uh...
umm....

How can I say this without completely shattering what little self esteme you don't even deserve to have in the first place?

Since you are all so pitiful, I will channel my inner motivational speaker, and perhaps you should channel your inner Payton Manning. Sure, you might be down 21-6 at half time, but you know... heck... put together a good stake out, get a quick hit in the next few days, do a no-huddle hunt all weekend, and you MIGHT just come out shiny and glorious as week three starts.

So get to it.

That said, I promise to stick to berating you, and fucking your sisters from now on, no more cheesy motivational speaking that is embarrassing everybody involved.

It's our party and we can get drunk if we want to

Keep this date clear on your calendars:

Sunday Feb 11th
StreetWars Wrap Party
@ Laszlo's on Mission St, btwn 21st and 22nd st.

In today's update:

• Natasha (1) sliced Boris the Blade (0)
• Agent Mildred (1) milked Nocturnal Goatsucker (0)
• Team Huffnpuff (2) took down the glorious Team 1337 (4)
  While dead, they are still the kill leader at 4 wetted.

Full story after the jump

Your daily kill stories

Natasha (1) sliced Boris the Blade (0)

Well, I finally gave old Boris the Blade the axe. In the end, all I had to do was drive an hour to his handball practice in the middle of NOT San Francisco, pretend I was remotely interested in handball (and not completely, 100% unathletic), and then play for 10 minutes, trying desperately not to touch the ball. Fortunately, the inning (quarter? period?) ended soon enough and I could squirt the sweat from Boris' face with the icy "water in my little pink pistol. To be honest, I think he quite enjoyed it .

Oh and PS, for the record, the 9 goals that the "white shirts" scored while I was on "blue shirts" were totally unrelated to my presence. I swear.

Team Huffnpuff (1) took down the glorious Team 1337 (4)

Agent HuffnPuff reporting to base ... Team 1337 is down. I repeat Team 1337 is down. Awaiting next assignment.

This is with great relief and a certain sadness that I inform the Shadow Government that one of Team 1337's agent was killed this morning on his way to work sprayed by an ISD (Improvised Soaking Device) as he was waiting for the traffic light at the corner of Broadway and Polk street to turn green. Relief because it took me a week to vanquish them and sadness because it's not everyday that one take down the kill leaders but heck that's life and it feels fu****g good.

Here is how it all started...

Almost a week ago, I defeated Fuzzy Undies and receive my next assignment. To my surprise, I was assigned a team of 3 assassins as my target. Past the first moment of surprise, I opened the attachment and checked out my new marks ... WTF!!!!

• One unemployed fellow
• A self-employed/student
• And at last someone with a job ... I breathed a sign of relief, the Weakest Link.

The Stakeout:
This morning, I gathered equipment (night vision goggles, binoculars, ISD and fully loaded super soaker) and a large mug of coffee and drove off to my target's house. As usual, I made sure to take a fair amount of unnecessary turn through the street of San Francisco to loose any potential follower.

Parking my car a few doors down from the house I turned on the radio and waited ...
6:30 AM, nothing to report; It's dark outside. I'm cold.
7:30 AM, I'm pissed, my coffee is getting cold and signal on my cell phone is weak. I keep calling my target office number to see if he somehow slipped out and made it to work already.
8:30 AM, 2 persons leaves the house and disappear into the garage. Damn it!! I'm not about to let them go ... grabbed my gun and ran down the street, turn the corner of the garage to find myself face to face with the son's neighbor and his GF ... #@%@$%@%. I carefully and quietly retreat as he angrily let go a comment "You again, that's the second time" ... back to the car to calm down and finish my ice coffee.
8:45 AM something shot out of the garage ... darn it he is riding a bike not driving a car as I expected and he riding away from me not towards me ... let's move

Chase in the Street of San Francisco:
He weaves in and out of side streets and traffic and I am in hot pursuit. I almost loose him in the crush of cars but spot him as he then decides to go up a hill. I find myself stuck behind traffic as he effortlessly rides on the sidewalk towards the top of the hill but he stops at the light. Pulling in a driveway 3 cars behind him and I consider exiting with my gun to run up the hill and shoot him as his waits at the top. I hesitate for too long (I guess the idea to run uphill with a bright yellow gun in broad daylight to shoot a cyclist did not sound too good) and the light turns green ...

I tried to pull out of the driveway but I must let go a few cars before I can resume my progression ... loosing precious time. I finally get going and spot my mark now almost at the next light, he makes a left, riding towards Van Ness. I managed to catch up as we pass Van Ness but I'm going too fast and he is not stopping, I turn right on Polk and park my car at the corner. I jump out hoping that he will pause at the stop sign but he blatantly ignores the most elementary driving rule and zips past me (where's the police when you need it)... back to the car. This is getting ridiculous but it's so fun. Couple of blocks down, Polk crosses Broadway and the light turns red as he approaches with me 2 car behind. I pull into a handicap parking spot or was it white (Who cares - don't bother me I'm armed and dangerous) and run towards him. I'm almost there, the light is still red. I slow down, walk to his level, call his name and blast with my discreet but efficient ISD (see definition above). He is shocked, haggard and can't believe it ... it's OVER.

His first words were "my team is going to kill me" ... well, I don't think you can kill somebody twice but they can beat the S%#@ out of you. Team 1137, it was an honor. Let's have a moment of silence in their memory.

End of Transmission

Comments (292)

SF2007

Why The West Coast Sucks.

January 22, 2007 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 08:09 PM

Current status...
Total Kill Count: 30
Current kill leader: 1337 (4)

The West Coast sucks because of you. I hear from about six of you. No one comes axing or begging me for work schedules or additional photos. You play dirty and pull childish pranks on your targets that have absolutely nothing to do with wetting them. I'm gonna make a joke and go pee-pee in your Coke. How do you like me now?! Why are you so shitty? Please tell me.

Enough about you. You are boring and ugly and were adopted. Let's talk about how awesome The Commanders are. The harem got reupholstered this past weekend. It went from purple and gold to black and gold. We even had the silk throw pillows hand made (by virgins) and imported from India. Unfortunately for me, it was also bath day for the harem and I spent most of my time milking goats, gathering rose petals and waxing their woman areas. Tomorrow I have to clean up Supreme's life juice because we haven't gotten the place Scotchgarded yet. Maybe the winner will get invited to spend the night there.

In today's update

• Emmanuel (1) turned up their guns to eleven for Amp (0)
  
• Nahsor (1) popped the 'roids of Memorrhage Man (0)
  
• Kailin (1) wetted Nharlotek (0)
  
• Lone Wolf With Child (1) gave the bidness to Chris Chen (0)

  Your daily kill stories

• Emmanuel (1) turned up their gusn to eleven for Amp (0)

  ". . . from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee."

  And Lo! A filthy soul has been washed from the earth by the fell stream of justice. Agent Amp was struck wet this morning by Team Emanuelle's own Agent Stone. The encounter was swift, the shots true, and our enemy taken unawares outside his building this morning in the cool light of dawn on his way to school.

  But think not that our lust is sated. We yearn for another adversary to best on the field of combat. We await our next target.

  Yours,

  Team Emanuelle

• Lone Wolf With Child (1) gave the bidness to Chris Chen (0)
  

  
  Today, January 21, 2007 at approximately 20.00 hours I gently but firmly told Chris Chen to get off his knees and put the embarrassingly inappropriate five dollar bill back in his pocket. As I gently rubbed the tears from his eyes and sprayed his pathetic face with the sweet liquid which I like to call success. Me and my fellow assassin, small dead things, are humble discreet professionals, but we would just like to make clear that Chris Chen is a bitch.

  
  to you and yours,
  st. francis

  Comments (0)

SF2007

Comments are back on the blog

January 22, 2007 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 03:26 PM

With some help from a trusty friend at Movable type, we can turn commenting back on. No need to register, just comment away!

Comments (268)

SF2007

Depends

January 21, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 11:30 PM

Game Status Update
Total Kill Count: 26
Current Kill Leader: 1337 (4)

Honestly, I can't help but be a bit disappointed in this current class of "assassins" (I use that term loosely)...after pick-ups I had high hopes, the disguises were tight, many of you were balancing right on the line of falling down drunk and your bravado was non pareil...

A full week has gone by and you have given me but 26 kills...

Just to give you some perspective, in the last NYC tournament after the first week we had 48 kills.

[You West Coasters are lazy. Maybe I should bring in some of the NYC assassins to teach you how it is done...in fact, I may very well have an advice column for you suckaz. "Ask a REAL Assassin". Debuting on Wednesday! Send in your questions!]

Yer too used to the nice weather, quality marijuana and cheap drink and yet you still think yer all thug life. pffft.

I have had bowel movements that were more deadly than you.

But I'm not here to talk about the Shitstorms coming out of my toned, firm ass, no, I'm here to talk about the impending Shitstorm on the horizon for you cats...I suggest you put on some Depends before continuing the reading of this entry...

Got 'em on?

Good.

Continue...

Well, at midnight tonight the first week of the tournament is complete and those of you that haven't done what you were supposed to do will be like *totally* pimp-slapped out of the game.

[some exceptions may be made...IF you actually put work into wetting your target...if you DO NOT get an email from me kicking you out of the tournament, consider yourself spared -see, I can be nice...sometimes...]

To those of you that made it past the first week, I offer my heartfelt congratulations. No easy feat to last this long...many have fallen to the liquid justice doled out by their fellow competitors...and more will soon fall by the hand of my personal assassins.OH!

Did I forget to mention?

Today is also the day I am releasing my personal assassins on you

Have fun!

And now, on to the day's killings...

Your daily kill stories

1337 (4) is living up to their name...they are just on track to take on the record of the all time kill leaders The Bushwick Country Club (12) from the NYC 2007 tournament. Victim number 4 was Zerg rushed. Skillen (0), went down hard.

Killen Down.

Our fourth target has been the most allusive target yet.

2 days of solid work.And after putting in a nine hour shift last night, 1337 started showing signs of fatigue. Frustrated and bitter, somehow Sean had slipped through our fingers. Today, determined to not let it happen again, 1337 mounted up. Arriving late and starving, I needed Chinese food. STA. Naively, leaving DJANGO, as well as my sidearm, behind. What can I say. I do my killing before breakfast. But fuck me, What would I spot on the way back from luscious Luu's with no hydration in hand? The whites of my targets eye. . Unarmed, I was caught with my dick in the wind.

Two more steps and I see his right hand in his pocket. Game time, no gear. Mother F. Seeing DJANGO up the block, I had to find some way to signal him while still delaying Sean. "Sean?" I say to the gent as I pass.

With steadfast composure, Sean gave us the slip; All and all, a great maneuver by him. "Fuck!!!!!!!" I yelled slamming my, freshly bought, slightly alcoholic, beverage into the concrete. Moral tattered, 1337 rethought our strategy.

We weren't going fucking anywhere. How our strategy paid off.

After 15 total hours of stalking, a run in with neighbors, numerous argument, battling rando's across the street, and eating some sweet pot stickers, 1337 reacquired said target at 22.20. In a rush, Sean was obviously panicked. By the numbers, DJANGO and I swarmed in to action; our target through the gate and on the run. Everything was on fast-forward. Cornered, Sean took position at his door. A swimmer, however, in the ocean does not fear the rain and we weren't about to be shook. It was over before he stopped. 1337'5 steadfast stakeout had paid off. We genuflect on this day and appreciation of that which shadows have afforded us.

PWN3r

1337

Mad Dog (1) went all hydrophobic and in that altered state was able to divine the demise of his target The Oracle (0). I am a bit suprised The Oracle didn't see it coming...I fucking hate false advertising...

I Mad Dog, took out my target, The Oracle shortly after 7am on Jan. 19.

[SC: Wow. Great story. Sounds like a real exciting kill. Hope you didn't waste too much time writing it up for our amusement. Punk.]

Score one for the foreign devil! Gweilo (1) put the liquid hurting on Valdara (0)

Agent Gweilo has successfully killed his target. Valdara has been soaked and shamed. Here's the report:

1.19.07, 0700

I had assumed that this was going to be an easy hit, but we all know the problem with assumptions. Two days of stakeouts had provided no sight of my intended target, so I realized that it was time to get serious. My hit worked in an office setting. This meant that her work and sleep hours were wreaking havoc with my nocturnal occupation, whisky swiggin, and attending to my harem. Oh well, there's no crying in assassination.

I arise at 0630 after a restless 2 hours of sleep and drive to my stakeout position. From my position on Treasure Island the sun is rising over the Oakland Hills, casting a rosy glow on the Bay Bridge and reflecting golden light off the buildings of downtown SF. A beautiful morning to die. I position myself with an ample view of the front door, and a shot of the side passageway toward the backyard. I'm expecting my target to make a quick run to the busstop half a block away. I was prepaired in this scenario to drive ahead and either get on the bus several stops down, or drive and positon myself outside the bus terminal and wait . . . but the option never came. I waited for half an hour - hour - hour and a half before I realize that she is either an invincibly early riser, or not coming home at all. By now the mist on my windshield that had provide perfect cover for my observation had evaporated and I'm sitting behind the wheel smoking ciggarettes and drinking warm coke looking and feeling a bit idiotic. Oh well, time to get back to my harem; their cravings never cease, and who am I to deny them.

1.19.07; 15:30

After an afternoon of takin care of bizniz, I return for another short stakeout before heading to work for the evening. I'm waiting for a white truck to pull in. I had identified it earlier in the week. Only later was I to learn that I had misidentified her car, and that her roomate had narrowly missed a waterballoon to the face on Wednesday.

I'm about to leave for work, when I notice several individuals exit the house. My heartrate increases as I properly identify my target getting into the passenger seat of a car. This time I was about half a block down, observing everything through the reaview mirror. They hadn't seen me and drive past quickly on their way to the bridge. I the car in drive, and follow at a very decent distance. Once on the bridge I rapidly regain the ground that I had lost, placing myself right behind them as we exited the freeway at Fremont. The car quickly pulls to the curb at 1st and Howard, my target is getting out of the vehicle, and I have no option other than to swerve past. I slow on the next block, observe my targets walking direction, and gun it around the block. I get back onto 1st heading south and get stopped at the Transbay Terminal just as she is strolling across the street right in front of me, clueless as to her soon to be soaking fate. The light goes green and I smoothly pull onto Minna. The assassin gods are on my side, providing me with a easily accessable parking place. I sprint back a block to Market and First. She is just dissapearing around a construction site halfway down the block. I jog to within 10 meters, and slow my steps to slowly overtake her at a casual pace. 8 meters; I notice both hands of my target firmly shoved in her pockets, her clamy palms obviously clutching waterpistolas that will soon be rendered useless. 5 meters; as we cross Mission and head North on New Montgomery I prepair my little purple assassination machine. I decide on the mini pistol, even though I have a hand pumped blaster in my side bag. As my friend Ward, a Vietnam Vet, would have been known to say: "When you're knee deep in the shit, never use a bazooka when a razor blade is far more effective". 1 meter; I pull astride, unholster my gat, say her name, and deliver a rain of justice across her stunned face before the sound of her scream had even begun.

~Agent Gweilo; awating my next assignment~

NightTrasher (3) wettified the unfortunately (but accurately) named CyKill (1)

Agent NightThrasher confirming kill of Agent Cykill. Kill time 5.05pm.

Witnesses: 0

After...serendipitously...gaining entry to the target's apartment building on Thursday, I located his apartment and stood guard, dripping weapon drawn, outside his door. Though I was compelled, due to prior obligations, to leave my guard post after a mere 2 hours and 23 minutes (without making an attack) I did overhear a phone conversation containing a golden nugget of information. Upon my safe return to NTHQ I entered this information into my state-of-the-art Windows NT machine. Thanks to the consequent results I was able to set up a meeting with the target, under the guise of a prosaic transaction. I spoke with the target on Friday to confirm the meeting.

I arrived early.

I doused him.

CyKill (1) was able to prevent himself from being fully chumped by chumping Chris Doom (0) before being chumped himself. Remember, the only difference between champ and chump is u.

Esteemed Rulers,

It is with joy and sadness that I write you today... First, the joy.

After countless hours logged stalking my prey I decided that today, Friday, was the day. I wrapped up the workday early and made my way on over to my target's house. I pulled into a parking spot on his block, turned off the ignition and thought I'd settle in for a little recon. That wouldn't happen.

As I shut off the ignition I checked my mirror and saw my prey driving up the street and then turn into his driveway. I quickly drew out my weapon (Super Soaker Flash Flood) and tried to move in without being seen. Unfortunately he spotted me, and a short stand-off occurred as I crouched behind a truck and he sat in his car. Eventually he opted out of the situation and started to back out. Feeling frustrated with the hunt I boldly stepped into the open and soaked his passenger side front window. As he looked at me, smiling I believe, he drove off down the street and around the corner.

I wasn't done, not by a long shot. Given his quick arrival I'd left my truck unlocked and the keys in the ignition. I bolted into the driver's seat, started the car and circled around the other side of the block hoping to catch him. Luckily I did that right as he turned back towards me, what's more is that he seemed to be looping back around behind my original position, perhaps to catch me unaware from the rear. Not so easy my friend.

I went back to where I was before, put away my large weapon and tucked a small water pistol in my belt. I took off my sweatshirt, put on a wool beanie cap and sunglasses. I then walked in the direction I thought he'd now be coming. As I turned the corner I saw him, he saw me as well but didn't recognize me. I wasn't close enough for the kill so I again went into stalk mode. I was able to get behind him, hopping from car to car, hiding as I drew closer, and closer, and closer...

He came to a street corner and started to cross, it was now or never. I stepped out from my last hiding spot and ran towards him, water pistol drawn. I got close and fired a single shot. Direct hit.

CG out. 3:45pm

Now here's the sad part. I ride motorcycles and had been contacted on one of my local forums from someone wanting to buy some parts I previously had for sale. My spidey sense went off but I was somehow confortable with having been called from a 650 phone, and with having checked his online profile saying he was from San Mateo (liar!) and that he'd been a member for over a year. Stupid move. We had arranged to meet at my garage at 5:30pm, my spidey sense had me planning how to protect myself when he arrived. The problem is that he arrived 30 minutes early, scoped my dumb ass out and pounced at a moment when I wasn't ready. My water guns were out of reach and he was at nearly point-blank range. I took a shot to the chest.

Agent CyKill is dead. NightThrasher has notched another kill (his third). 5:10pm

Thanks for putting on such a great game and my sincere apologies for my
clearly shoddy play. While I'm thrilled I managed one kill before being
taken out I simply cannot take pride in my performance overall. "Next
time" I keep telling myself, but the pain won't go away.

I'll now go wallow in sorrow with a bottle of whiskey for a while... :)

Nun Sandwich (1) ate the hell out of Fat Baby (0)

It's all over for Fat Baby.

After fruitless stalking around the poor miss' house and work, I had one of my accomplices find out the target's work schedule by calling her workplace and pretending to be her. I had three of my most skilled minions sit in a bar across her house at the time I estimated she would be leaving for work. I had complete confidence in these guys, we've gotten through some deep shit together. Ahh, I remember the gig in Helsinki, 1998. If that pod of Russian albino pandas didn't get us, we couldn't be touched, ever. These guys are like ghosts, they are like the wind. Whip of God, Kaiser Söze, Cuddles the Green Bear, tonight we will celebrate!

Meanwhile, I lurked less than a block away from her work.

My guerrillas, experts in urban reconnaissance, followed her from a safe distance updating me of her position. When she was a block away, I instructed my people to fall back in the unlikely event that they had been seen. This way she would obtain a false sense of security and lower her guard.

I was standing on a bus stop, unseen, as she walked past me. I let her take a few last steps, walked after her, pulled my smaller sidearm from my ankle holster (I didn't want to make a mess with the big gun), and squirted two in the back of her head.

She screamed, laughed, bowed her head in defeat and gave me her card. It was a good death.

Nun Sandwich is good. I am Nun Sandwich.

Huffnpuff (1) slowly and sensually removed Fuzzy Undies (0), making him wet.

All hail the shadow government!!

I did not see my 1st kill reflected in the recent body count and humbly request that my story have a chance at immortality on the Street Wars blog. Just in case you wanted a more detailed summary of the hours that led to my CL's death, here it is...

Started the chase full of energy and with high hopes that this would be a quick kill. Boy I was wrong!!! 10 hours later, I was still waiting and about to loose patience. I had not seen my mark at all but I had made friends with all the neighbors and even the manager of the building. Pitiful …

Came back the day after, early in the morning, but the target had already left for work… Fear of getting soaked must have forced him out of his studio early to go to work. Maybe I should apply that strategy to my direct reports …

With so much time spent at work, I figured my target would by now be "well done" (stressed out, overworked and borderline paranoiac) so I decided to come back even earlier to his place and patiently waited until he would step out of his apartment. I charmed one of the girls in his apartment complex to let me in and stealthy made my way through the back staircase. There was some electricity in the air … or was that just humidity from the rain that poured the day before? At last, he decided to leave his hideout, took a few step in the hallway checking left and right, gun at hand ready to fire but I waited … I waited until he felt a bit more comfortable and started talking to someone. That's when the shooting began!!! It was quick and deadly but not surgical … turned out there was some collateral damages as I got the GF wet as well.

What a way to start the day.

Agent HuffnPuff

Dr. Monkey (2) went all ape-shit (like literally flinging feces) on Striker (0)

Shadow Government,

Part of my cover for my second kill involved pretending to work at a mortuary where I loaded several full coffins in to Hearsts. After washing the Hearsts with the "fellow" morticians so I could observe my target at his apartment, I made my second kill within 4 hours of stalking time.

My target was as common looking as you can get in the Mission. In a neighborhood overran by trendy hipster scum, all of who sport short beards and trucker hats, the only way I could distinguish my common looking target was by his shoes. Yes, his shoes. In his photos I could tell that he's the kind of guy that owned and wore only one pair of shoes: Black Addidas with two white stripes.

After spraying down 3 of my target's unsuspecting neighbors by accident, I went to a nearby bar for a drink. I sat down, ordered my whisky sour, and downed it. As I departed the watering hole, to return to my stake-out, I saw my tool of a target. He walked right in front of me!

... We caught each others eyes. I quickly looked down and spotted his give-away-Addidas-shoes-wearing ass. I yelled his name, "David!", he hesitated to but still turned his head. That's when the hose-down and chase began! I fired and pushed my way through a crowd of bystanders while yelling obscenities at him for making me run.

The target finally stopped. Dead.

Once I collected my targets appropriate documentation, his roommates and I celebrated his death with copious amounts of drinks back at the bar.

Agent Dr. Monkey

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SF2007

Tonight: DRINKS for the DEAD

January 21, 2007 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 04:06 PM

Just because you are dead, it doesn't mean StreetWars is over for you just yet.

Come to Laszlo's tonight and join the Mustache Commander for Drinks for the Dead.

Drink, trade stories, tell your sad tales of defeat, and hope Mustache's good looks rubs off on you and help you get lucky.

Sunday Night, 9pm and on
Laszlo's
On mission between 21st and 22nd.

See you dead assassins there.

Comments (0)

SF2007

Comments

January 19, 2007 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 12:13 AM

There's been too much spam in the comments, making the blog hard to use. To help manage that, we have turned on comment registration. We still encourage you to make comments in the blog, and really, it's not too painful to register.

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SF2007

Question & Answer time, with Mustache Commander

January 18, 2007 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 07:33 PM

Game status update
Total kill count: 18
Kill leader: 1337 (3)

Question: What if i worked at a downtown city block, with little lanes and alleys running through them? Where are the bounderies of my work safe zone?

Answer: If there is a street/lane/alley that has a street sign with a name to it (meaning the alley or what have you, has a name and the buildings in it can have addresses based on that name, though having building with street numbers on it is not required), and cars can drive on said street with name, then that defines the border of your safe zone.  If cars are not legally allowed to drive on it, then it is not a border to your safe zone.

Question: I see my assassin on my work block, can I shoot him/her/them with impunity and get my 24hours of safety?

Answer: Yes.

That's it for this session of Q&A with the Mustache Commander. Send in your questions about anything related to the game, or about delicious fried chicken, the Lakers, baby jesus, or anything at all. If you are lucky, I might answer them on this here blog.

And now, on to the day's killings...

In today's update:

• Team 1337 (3) ate a delicous Marshmallow (0)
• Fallen (1) smoked Smoke Shadow (0)
• Snohobo (2) ate a delicous Fallen (1)
• Dr Monkey (1) mastered Eric Masters (0)
• Miss Dutchess (1) eliminated Raphael (0)
• HomoOne (1) cleaned up SlimyBastard (0)
• Kman (1) killed Tman (0)
• NightThrasher (2) found a cure for the Tropical Flu (0)
• Lebowski (1) switched off the Hidden Switches (0)
• Zeno (2) transformed Optimus Prime Junior (0) into a wet assassin
• The Belixious (1) wetted That Guy (0)
• Agent Kobayashi (2) passed Fastpass (0)
• HolyKrow (1) dispensed with Leon (0)

Full story after the jump

Your daily kill stories

Team 1337 (3) ate a delicous Marshmallow (0)

Marshmallow, unlike St. Andrew's Revenge, did have a fighting chance. After a chase in the building team 1337 was giving up and loudly voicing our frustration on the street corner when Marshmallow ran out, super soaker in tow.

"Which one of you is it?!!" She yells.

Too late. Django had already shot her with Pwner jumping in front of
her blast secret service style.

We humbly prostrate ourselves before the Shadow Government and would
like to offer another bottle of whiskey, if it pleases you.

Snohobo (2) ate a delicous Fallen (1)

I thoroughly hella wetted one (1) emo loser today.

After 'emo face' thwarted my attack yesterday due to my HONG DA 996 pistol misfiring and giving my mark an opportunity to wet me with a syringe (which he no doubt uses to pluck tears from baby's eyes to moisturize his skin) - I made sure to check the time and vowed to pop him minutes after my 24 hour cool off period.

I followed my target form his place of work - to a bank close by. My target was wearing an awesome homemade emo sweatshirt and some sweet frayed up emo jean shorts (nice legs) and had the classic emo side sweep cut - most probably dyed with grape kool aid powder. He made me yesterday - but I was convinced that my 'gay leather cop' disguise would throw him off.

I entered the bank where he was about to make a deposit into his no doubt mini savings account - walked up to him and shot him point blank in the belly. The banker looked very uninterested.

He then - of course - started whimpering about how life was unfair - how he never got enough hugs - and said something about bringing sexy back while trying to slash his wrists with a spork.

Dr Monkey (1) mastered Eric Masters (0)

After 6 hours of staking out my mark, I made my first kill at roughly 7:30pm tonight!

I have killed: Christopher Hellis aka Eric Masters, at his house, 44 Fair Oaks Street.

Was going to make you all proud and kill another tonight, but felt my cockiness from the first kill could be my down fall.

Miss Dutchess (1) eliminated Raphael (0)

i have killed my assignment, raphael .  he was shot as exiting his
home on his way to work.

that is all.

HomoOne (1) cleaned up SlimyBastard (0)

At 8:49AM this morning, my target, SlimyBastard was (water) gunned down as he attempted to enter his carefully-parked car on 18th St.

My stakeout started at 7am when I parked my car in front of 3857 18th St. I was able to conduct surveillance of the sole entry/exit to SlimyBastard's apartment at 3861 18th in my rear-view mirror. In calling the main number at SlimyBastard's office, I discovered that his office opened at 9am. Given that his place didn't have a garage; it could easily be assumed that he would have to leave sometime before the 9am hour to begin his work-bound travels

After an hour and 45 min of monitoring and two of Phil's (best f__king liquid crack in the city) Homemade Turkish Coffees, (Much to my delight, my mark lived just down the street from Philz) the time I had originally allotted for monitoring had expired. I was already late for work myself, but something told me to give it 5 more min.

Then, in my rear view mirror, I saw my mark. He has taken special care to park his car right in front of the stairway to his apartment complex. Unfortunately for him, I was parked in front of that very car. I acted quickly, pulling my weapon and ambushing my victim.

He was within SECONDS of closing the door to his car when he was wetted inside his car. "No!" he screamed in a key of, I thin, C-flat. It was music to my ears, at least.

It seemed the victims keys and morning bun acted as barriers to his speedy escape. I shook hands with the departed and he surrendered his Streetwars card. (Crappy cell phone pic of card attached)

For the record: this is the second time I nailed my target. The first time, unfortunately was (at the time-unknowingly) before the game had officially begun. This take-down will be a lesson to this assasin that tenacity is only good when you pay attention to details This time, it's official: SlimyBastard's candle has been snuffed.

Kman (1) killed Tman (0)

The rain was coming down pretty hard tonight. Perfect for an assassin. Location: TARGET'S WORK. As I drove by, I spot him standing outside. Unfortunate for him, his profession left him out in the open. After a quick look to confirm that was him, I parked my car nearby. There were plenty of people walking about making it easy for me to blend in. I make my way to the street corner of his work; close enough to get a second look. I pretend to talk on the cell phone to look a little less conspicuous. He suspects nothing as I get a clear look of his face. TARGET CONFIRMED. This guy is going down. All I need now is to wait for the opportunity to strike once he steps off the block. After about 15 mins, target is on the go. I follow him as he steps off the block. Ok, now he's fair game. I knew he'd come back sooner or later so I hide and wait for my shot. Sure enough, after 10 mins, I see the target strolling back. As I nonchalantly wait at the street corner, he walks right by me; I pull out my pistola and SQUIRT. TARGET DOWN. Easy Peasy.

NightThrasher (2) found a cure for the Tropical Flu (0)

Agent NightThrasher confirming kill of Agent Tropical Flu. With a combined stakeout time of 7 hrs and 23 minutes, this kill was sweet relief, if only from hypothermia. I had previously ascertained Tropical’s exact apartment location via a serendipitous entry to the building. Returning for the kill in the early hours of the morning, I stood sentry behind the edifice as dawn’s first steely light crept up in the east. When at last a yellow glow appeared at that hypnotizing window I knew today I would finally catch the Flu… (so to speak). I hurriedly relocated myself to my secondary vantage point on the opposite side of the loathsome structure, across the busy street. Though she did dally, and my forbearance was waning, at last I saw a taxi pull in front of her abode. “Someone’s in a hurry, methinks”. I hot-footed it across the dual-carriageway to place myself at the obscured point of an isosceles triangle, the other two vertices being the open door of said taxi, and that of the afore-mentioned building. When Tropical Flu entered the triangle I bisected it with a stream of watery antidote, and the Flu was no more.

On the way home I mailed my 2006 Tax Return.

Lebowski (1) switched off the Hidden Switches (0)

This morning, I awakened without the aid of an alarm, at 6:00am. The taste that lingered in my mouth was not the usual booze and hookers. This was booze and hookers, with a healthy side order of bloodthirst. I knew I must kill today, or I would not sleep again. I rose from my bed, careful not to disturb the rest of the house, and began my morning ritual of meditation, calisthenics, personal hygiene, and body mutilation. I also ate half an old strawberry filled donut. I would need every ounce of strength I could muster.

As I prepared my assassination kit, my mind delighted in the thought of finally bringing about the demise of my targets. In the last few days, I learned much about them, as they learned nothing of me. I spent cold nights lingering around their homes and their place of business. I aroused the suspicions of various neighbors and patrons of our fine city’s Municipal Railway. There’s a valet at a certain SOMA restaurant who I’m sure has the image of my face burned to his memory. All of this was a prelude, I dreamt. As I knelt on my bed of nails in front of my altar, the sting of melting candle wax searing my nipples, I tapped in to a higher part of my consciousness. It spoke to me. It told me that today was the day the shit would go down.

I descended to the garage to take stock of the various vehicles that were available for this morning’s mission. I chose a stealthy and inconspicuous chariot. An “everyman” car. It would provide sufficient coverage as I stalked, yet its top secret hydro-fusion proton accelerated 1000 bhp motor could put me anywhere on the block in the blink of an eye. Also, it has sweet rims and is almost completely paid off.

I decided to make a quick check of the neighborhood to see if there were any nefarious characters with the same ideas in their head as were in mine. Certainly there wouldn’t be another assassin with the discipline to be in my area at this ridiculous hour, but I’m not the type to leave a stone unturned. I exited my house secretly and quickly made eye contact with a shadowy figure who’d positioned himself three houses up the street. I’d been seen. I don’t like being seen, and it took all the self-restraint I could muster to keep myself from unleashing a watery wrath upon this pathetic amateur like this city has never seen.

Seeing me see him, the bumbling wannabe assassin simply turned around and faced the house he was standing in front of. The old “hide in plain sight” routine. Well played, sir. I retreated back in to the house where I could monitor his activities from behind three foot thick safety glass. I eventually determined that his presence was not a threat, and that I could easily depart without having to bother with him. I cursed him one last time for derailing me from my schedule, and proceeded out.

Safely off my block, I noticed that my vehicle was low on fuel. Not surprising. In addition to several hundred gallons of hydrogen and protons per mile, it also consumes quite a bit of standard petrol, as well as several kittens. When it comes to vehicles, I cannot be troubled with trivia such as conservation and environmental friendliness. Hell, the mere mention of the word “friendliness” is completely wasted on me. I filled my tank and continued on to what would be the site of a glorious battle, most assuredly ending in my victory.

I arrived at Agent Gurl ’s street at approximately 7:00am. I had reason to believe that my two targets were dating each other and had spent the night at this location. As I drove by, I observed that a hall light appeared to be on. I hoped I would not have to wait long. I needed to quench this thirst. I found a parking space a few houses up and settled in, prepared to consume an unhealthy amount of sunflower seeds and smoke several packs of cigarettes. I knew at some point I would need to acquire a partner, whom I could then send out for coffee.

I was surprised that it was only ten minutes before the murderous duo of Boi and Gurl cautiously set foot on the sidewalk in front of Gurl ’s apartment. They peered up and down the block in a very “Shaggy and Velma” sort of way before deciding the coast was clear and crossing the street towards Stanyan Ave. I could have sworn they looked directly at me, and perhaps they did, but I’d certainly escaped their suspicion. I silently exited my vehicle and began a casual walk up the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and approximately 100 feet back from them. They turned the corner and, out of their possible eyesight, I sped up my pace until I rounded the same. As I regained sight of them, I observed what would eventually be their demise: they strolled in a casual loving embrace... slowly... and with no concern for anyone but each other. Their sweetness would have brought a tear, had I not been so cold-blooded. Instead, it afforded me the opportunity I needed. I quickened my pace behind them. As I closed the gap, I drew my Super Soaker. It wouldn’t be long now. I began to run towards them, ready for the possibility that one of them could turn and fire at any moment. Closer... closer.... They spoke in soft tones, each hanging on the other’s every word. Closer... closer... Their casual stroll became ever more poetic as I approached. Closer... closer... I found myself within five feet of the couple, who had still not noticed me. Time froze.

Suddenly, a spark of compassion. A tiny spark. It struggled against the coldness of my soul to ignite a tiny flame of empathy. I felt an emotion I’d never felt before. Mercy. I felt merciful. In a split second, I decided to not to take the opportunity to kill both targets as they walked side by side. Instead, I would allow Gurl to live, watching her gentleman lover take his last breath of his mortal life, and dying in her arms. I only needed to kill one of them to take them both out, so I would abstain from the joy of killing both. And here I thought that the spirit of the recent holidays had eluded me. Go figure.

I blurted out, “HEY BOI ”. The couple turned their heads as I gleefully delivered a glimmering stream from my Super Soaker to Boi ’s shoulder. He wailed in pain and defeat as Gurl ’s face turned to horror and she yelped one last cry for her fallen companion. As they both realized who I was, Gurl ’s face became vacant and she gave him a sympathetic “Ooooh”. Clearly, her healing process had begun, and she was moving on.

Pleasantries were exchanged as I removed the Streetwars identification card from Boi ’s soaked body. I made a quick phone call to summon some goons to come by and dispose of him. It was 7:15 and my work was done.

More watershed will be forthcoming. My work ethic is impeccable.

Zeno (2) transformed Optimus Prime Junior (0) into a wet assassin

Agent Optimus Prime Junior was taken down with a direct shot to the forehead when he foolishly cracked open his door to greet my Agents of Deception, otherwise known as his next-door neighbors. While he explicitly admits defeat, he claims that he has not yet received his identification from the Shadow Government due to "a bit of the flu".

I watched over him as he dispatched an electronic message to the SG notifying them of the kill.

The Belixious (1) wetted That Guy (0)

Following an hours stakeout, and a clean roommate kill—proof that roommates shouldn't let their street-warring cohabitants make them take out the trash—the Target arrived home and regretted one too many steps to his front door. It was a clean shot in the back accompanied by a hearty ration of expletives by the Target.

Off to meet my next victim...

Time of death: 7:45

Agent Kobayashi (2) passed Fastpass (0)

Making amends for my past failure is rewarding. I got a surprising kill of my 2nd target. I figured that my mark was a student and may have had a lot of time on his hands to make a kill. This guy was as smart as me but not quick on the draw or should I say, a bit anxious and careless.

Both of us had the same idea of attacking at the same time frame. I was posting up at a stop light intersection attending to my phone. I see my mark coming out of his building and dashing towards me with a water gun (though I had not noticed he was armed at the ready.) Later I find that his target, now mine, was down the street somewhere. Still looking at my phone I hear something drop to the ground. The target was about a few feet away and dropped his own phone to the ground, detaching his battery and battery cover. “Holy Shit, “I said with an uncertain look on my face all because I was not sure if this was my mark and the fact that he had smashed his phone to the ground.

I stared at him a bit more and notice that this WAS my mark. He scrambles for his phone parts and stares back at me. Without hesitation I pull out my Walther PPK and gun him down with JIZZ.

Sorry my friend but excitement and carelessness cannot be tolerated in this line of work.

Comments (0)

SF2007

341

January 16, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 11:12 PM

Game Status Update
Total Kill Count: 7
Current Kill Leader: 1337 (3)

Ahhh, back in the palace in NYC...

Let me say it was a pleasure meeting (most of) you this past weekend, granted there were some fucking ugly-ass faces amongst you, but after puking at their memory, I expunged them from my system and have convinced myself that all of you were pretty hot and that I would proudly pimp for each and every one of you...so, if yer short on cash, give me a shout. I promise to not beat you too hard with the wire coat hanger and I won't force you to take it bareback without a premium price. I digress...it was good meeting and drinking with you and I have high hopes for your class of assassins.

In fact, I was discussing my belief that y'all would get killy quickly and with grace with Mustache and lo and behold, merely 2 days and we have 7 kills...not as impressive as the pace in the last NYC game (12 kills in 2 days), but not bad for hippy Left Coasters...

Now, I don't usually count things (save for gold) as the counting of non-gold stuff is for poor people, so I consulted some poor people earlier today (I keep some on my staff so I can keep in touch with the "common" man) and they told me that "3" is a fairly impressive (albeit low) number when referring to kills made in a single day. I consulted one of my old diaries from my counting days and confirmed this...so...respect must be given to the current kill leaders, the cats that got 3 kills in one day - T34m 1337. Someone best get on killing them fairly quick - they're making the rest of you look bad.

Kill stories and such after the "jump"

Your daily kill stories

Zeno (1) waxed the ass (in a good way...kinda...I mean he was killed, but he wasn't fucked in the ass, so it probably didn't hurt as much...don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with ass-sex) of Gunner (0)

Target Eliminated: Gunner

Arrived at Target's domicile at 5:10pm for reconnaissance. Found no signs of occupation. Waited 45 minutes at bus stop on corner - too conspicuous. At approximately 6pm, the parking space in front of Target's front door was vacated, so operations were relocated here. After less than 30 minutes supine in vehicle's backseat, weapons at the ready, Target parked his vehicle in the garage and walked up towards his door, looking in each car as he passed. Face, meet liquid. Liquid, meet face.

6:27pm: target destroyed.

New Target Acquired.

Sayonara.

Nharlotek (1) got some cock and de-turgidified Prick (0)

After a 3-hour stakeout that ended in the unfortunate termination of target's roommate via point-blank shot to the face yesterday, I knew it was time to get serious this morning.

Rising before dawn and donning my finest business attire, replete with copy of the wall street journal and starbucks in hand - I drove to my target's location. The 'banker look' would surely catch him unaware. The night before I had analyzed his commute and determined the timeframe during which he would have to ride the bus to arrive at his place of employment in Oakland (which I had already cased out several days before). Standing at the bus stop I let the bus go by until I saw somebody that looked like him sitting in the back. I boarded the front of the bus and sat in one of the side-facing seats so that I could case out my target and make sure to not kill another civie.

As I sat and observed my target and his girlfriend, I made sure to do the perform the requisite tasks that would make me appear like another harmless yuppie fuck- talking on my cell phone - crinkling my newspaper loudly and generally taking up more space than I needed. I thought I saw him casing me out also, so I made sure my act looked genuine.

As we got the BART station at 16th and Mission- I got off the bus first to allay any suspicions my target may had. Lucklily, I had a BART ticket with just enough money in my wallet to make the trip over if I had to. My target was taking too long for me to justify hanging out and following him, so I entered BART and positioned myself at the bottom of the stairs facing up so I could observe him enter his haven of temporary refuge.

He walked past me seemingly unaware and I nonchalantly folded my newspaper and followed. The Pittsburgh Bay Point train approached (one of the 3 BART lines he could take to work) I watched him board and got in the car behind, making sure to post myself near the front of the car so I could see when he detrained. By this point the man I was following had clearly followed the schedule that I had determined my target would take. If he stayed on the train past the trans-bay tube I would know that I had my mark.

From my vantage point in the the train behind, I saw my target continue to stay seated as the train pulled into Embarcadero. Passengers got on and the train began to move. I knew this was it.

I moved into his BART car as we pulled away from the Embarcadero station- making sure to sit at the other end of the car, but still with a clear view of the target. At the 19th st. stop in Oakland my target followed his usual routine and detrained. I followed him at a distance of about 20 feet, clutching my small sidearm in my coat pocket. As we approached the turnstiles I closed the distance and went through right behind him.

By this time, my target was unaware, foolishly thinking he had slinked away from the dangers of San Francisco. I went up the steps out of part step for step with him. At the top, I said "Jason" he turned just as my sidearm appeared from my jacket and unceremoniously splattered him across the chest.

"Do you work in Oakland?" he asked me. "No." I replied. "Dude- that's fucking awesome". We parted ways and I slipped away into the BART to continue my reign of terror and wetness.

-Agent Nharlotek

1337 (3) w4s v3ry k1lly 4nd sm0k3d Misanthrope (0), St. Andrew's Revenge (0) and Marshmallow (0) all in one day.

hello shadow government i django have assassinated Misanthrope and received the next target from her.

godspeed django 1337

well guys we just went over to the next target and took him out, St. Andrew's Revenge is all wet. we have our 3rd target in our hands. i hope that the shadow goverment can look proudly upon team 1337. now lets all of a drink.

thank you django 1337

Marshmallow, unlike St. Andrew, did have a fighting chance. After a chase in the building team 1337 was giving up and loudly voicing our frustration on the street corner when Marshmallow ran out, super soaker in tow.

"Which one of you is it?!!" She yells.

Too late. Django had already shot her with Pwner jumping in front of her blast secret service style.

We humbly prostrate ourselves before the Shadow Government and would like to offer another bottle of whiskey, if it pleases you.

[NOTE: offering Whiskey to us is always an excellent and sexy move]

LoliCopter
1337

Snohobo (1) went all FTRA on the Woverines! (0), who despite their exclamation point got wetted hella quick.

Shadow Government - I am here by announcing the death of GH.

G was spotted walking downtown - wearing a heavy disguise. He was dressed as a professional and we all know that this art school sissy is everything but...

I walked passed him - twisted 180 degrees and called out his name. "G!". He turned around as I lifted my HONG DA 993 soaking pistol and delivered one well placed squirt to his tie.

He grimaced in pain - grasped his chest as the realization that his hunting days are over.

He promptly whined and pleaded with me to 'take it back'. I shot him point blank in the head - and took his card. I left him groveling on the ground - he was mumbling something about taking sexy back...

Your Assassin in excellence, Bitch you Orange (Snohobo)

NightThrasher (1) rocked the face off Orca (0) in the early evening.

Agent NightThrasher confirming kill of Agent Orca. It was a clean head shot on the street after following him and his accomplice out of their building on the way to a hunt. Kill time 20:45. I gained access to Agent Orca's building earlier thanks to a serendipitous Thai Food delivery. While in the building I charmed the access code from another young female resident. When I returned I went straight to my chosen repository 1 floor above Orca's Apartment. This time he was home. After an hour or so I overheard Agent Orca discuss the night's plans with the afore-mentioned accomplice. I thought it prudent to follow them out of the building as I had learned that their intended mode of transport was ambulatory. I allowed Agent Orca two and a half blocks to begin to relax before coming abreast of them, loudly exclaiming his first name, and abruptly directing an icy stream of ingnominy right between his peepers. He was satisfactorily chagrined. Total stake-out time 3 hours 15 minutes.

Comments (271)

SF2007

1st confirmed kill!

January 15, 2007 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 07:29 PM

Game status update
Total kill count: 1
Kill leader: Agent Nabeshin Kobayashi (1)

It is with great pride that I announce one Agent Nabeshin Kobayashi as the first to begin his path to earning the title of an "assassin" by taking down Agent EZ5.

Good work Kobayashi.

Full story after the jump

Your daily kill stories

Nabeshin Kobayashi (1) found hunting EZ5 (0), totally easy.

As of 6:30pm, I was at my mark's house right around the corner. It appeared that a car was going to pick up my target for a night out. Little did they all know that I was on surveliance mode from 2:30pm. It was fortunate that I had returned from a little R&R across the street and saw them pull into the driveway. My target exposed himself from his building.

I slowly but surely met him before he got into the car. JIZZ!!! I shot him as I popped up from a parked car. I have his dog tag for my trophy and the next mark. The night is still young and I will be satisfied when I get another…

Comments (268)

SF2007

ZZZ... snore...

January 15, 2007 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 04:24 PM

"Left, left, switch. Right, right, switch."

That is what you pitiful assassins have reduced me to, sitting here, sipping my bourbon, smoking my pipe, with nothing to do but count quietly along to the expert rhythms of my lovely assistant as she massages my balls while I stare at the Mustache Mainframe®, with a screen flashing...
StreetWars SF 2007: ZERO KILLS.

It is now 14hrs into the game and everyone is still apparently dry?

Wait, Abacus tells me there is a potential case under review.

Sigh... I am so offended at this lack of killing I can't even be bothered to want to spit on you. I will have to get my assistant to do that for me...

Come now my young assassins, make this old man proud. Let the Mustache Mainframe® show some wettness soon.

Comments (213)

SF2007

The SF 2007 game begins soon...

January 12, 2007 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 12:55 PM

Young aspiring assassins to be, the game begins very soon. Your assignment pick ups starts tomorrow night and Sunday night. The secret location will be included in an email that you should have received by now. If you have not received this email, contact Li'l Abacus

See you all soon, my kittens.

Comments (0)