SF2007
No Good Douche Goes Unpunished
January 31, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 5:10 AM
Game Status Update...
Players Remaining: 12
Current Kill Leader:Zeno (6)
Today was gonna be a good day. I just got rid of all the crap players (some of you may have just been unlucky, but in my book lacking luck is crappy, hence your inclusion...that said, I still love all of you long time - 'specially if yer disease free and got the XX chromosomes), the rogues have begun killing (shout out to RedEye - first kill on behalf of the rogues and the 2006 SF champion) and I was about to sit down to a bowl of Lucky Charms with Whiskey and my morning rusty trombone, when I got news that there's one more piece of leftover trash I need removed. A player with enough kills to stay in, but with dangerously high levels of douchebaggery...a cocksmoker I should have had killed way sooner....but all in good time I guess...
As for the rest of you, ones that were removed due to lack of kills rather than lies and doucherry...
You are poor excuses for assassins...seriously, it kinda makes me physically ill just thinking about you. I can feel the bile rise in the back of my throat with each letter I type writing about you and your non-exploits.
*spit*
Even that can't get the foul taste of your lack of skills out of my mouth...it's like a mixture of cheap booze and hooker-spit. Is it really so hard to find 2 people and wet them? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Entry into the world of professional assassins requires, at the minimmum, dedication, luck and skill...obviously you are missing some or all of those qualities and for that, I am disgusted by you (though I must repeat that if yer disease free and got the XX chromosomes I likely find you less disgusting - possibly doable even).
Go back to the comfort of your couch...find the nice impession of your ass and nestle in it once again, eat your Doritos and kick back and relax. Watch the action shows on TV and movies and rest easy knowing that if you were ever in that situation, you would fail, just as you did now (though probably not as bad as you would ahve otherwise, as you have experience now).
Like your parents, I am disappointed in you.
Perhaps, next time you will be more agressive and dedicated.
Sigh.
Despite my repugnance at your lack of wetting, it pains me to see you go, as I would have liked all of you to have experienced the thrill of the hunt. Alas, it is not to be...this time...
Respect to the 11 of the 12 left in the tournament. You have a week to demolish the rest of your competitors and avoid Sudden Death (which has never been done before in the history of StreetWars). Best of luck.
In today's update:
- Dr. Monkey (3) had a heavy flow day and Sizelove (0) got wet, earning his Red Wings
- Dr. Monkey (4) ate the shit out of Nun Sandwich (2), but left the bread and toppings aside.
Kill stories and crap follow.
Dr. Monkey (3) had a heavy flow day and Sizelove (0) got wet, earning his Red Wings
Shadow Government,
I have placed Greg Hernandez out of his misery. After a slow week of stalking I'm off to get fried chicken and booze.
Agent Dr. Monkey
Dr. Monkey (4) ate the shit out of Nun Sandwich (2), but left the bread and toppings aside.
Shadow Government,
This morning I found my self waking up to the early 7am morning sound of street cleaners. I quickly put on my smelly stalking clothes, which I wore all weekend, to beat my own personal midgets, The S.F.P.D. Meter Maids.
I made my move, from my front door to the car, it was all a blur. No assassins in sight just... The Meter Maid. She threw her ticket book to the ground in frustration as I waved my fist back at her. I drove around looking for parking, got the urge to kill and went to my targets apartment.
When I arrived at my targets apartment it was 7:20am. I parked 2 blocks away and hide my self in a drive way near my by. Cold and patiently waiting, the target drove in to his garage at 9am. He must be back from a hunt I thought.
9:10am, a neighbor drives in to the same garage and leaves the door open. I do a quick weapons check and run into the open garage door. The haste I make my way up to the second floor and find the targets apartment door and take a seat around a wall in the hall way.
9:30am, the targets door open, I swing around, just dodging a spray, while shooting in to the the open apartment door crack. GOT HIM!
I proudly report my 4th kill, Nun Sandwich, was made this morning at 9:30am.
The target was eliminated after only 2 1/2 hours of stalking time.
Agent Dr.Monkey.
Comments
Who are the < 2 pair to get through?
According to my dubious statistical analysis, and reading skills, here are your 10 'regulation' qualifiers:
Dr Monkey (4)
Gweilo (2)
HuffnPuff (2)
Kman (2)
Kobayashi (2)
Mildred (2)
Nahsor (3)
Night Thrasher (5)
Snohobo (2)
Zeno (6)
Place your bets melon-farmers... here are the odds (on $1 bet)
Dr Monkey : $7.17
Gweilo : $9.78
HuffnPuff : $8.01
Kman : $9.83
Kobayashi : $7.98
Mildred : $9.83
Nahsor : $9.32
Night Thrasher : $6.89
Snohobo : $8.77
Zeno : $6.32
'The Cocksmoker' : $14.32
Trifecta (last 3 in order) : $39.99
[Odds calculated based on bodycount, predator metric, literacy, lateral thinking, entertainment value of kill reports, misogyny, douchebaggery, pederasty, gender, physical attractiveness and whether or not they are entering a world of pain]
Posted by: The Bookie at January 31, 2007 9:59 AM
You mean ≥ 2, dingus. Also, there is no trifecta since there is no second or third place. There can be only one. The Highlander.
Posted by: Li'l Abacus at January 31, 2007 10:07 AM
A bottle of fine Whiskey for to the assassin that kills the bookie.
Posted by: Dr.Monkey at January 31, 2007 11:36 AM
Ahhhh feels good to have made it to the Dirty Dozen, the last assassins standing. I have a feeling this could get ugly.
Posted by: AgentGweilo at January 31, 2007 4:18 PM
This games been ugly since the get go.
Posted by: bah at January 31, 2007 4:34 PM
Ugly, yes. Dirty is now in my vocab. I had a bad stake-out session last night. I'm sorry, target, from what can be considered a phrank call but I think you were getting ready for bed. I heard you taking a "SHIT." Nice that you wouldn't come out to play for a one on one duel. I won't try that tactic again. Isn't there honor amoung assasins?
on a side note:
what up with the KFC?
Posted by: Nabeshin K0bayashi at January 31, 2007 4:52 PM
Um. It's delicious? Duh!
Posted by: Li'l Abacus at January 31, 2007 8:05 PM
Despite having made it to week 3, it seems like my assassin let her guard down. I easily spotted and shot her as she pacing in front of my door (I later shot my friendly neighbor who kindly let her find her shelter in front of his garage). After being caught unaware and being shot as a punishment, she managed to let a smal squirt. Surprinsigly, she still asked for my card... Wrong, girl!!! This is only a tie in your mind but I will let the shadow government decide of a fair punishment for your incompetence. 2 target killed and 2 assassin humilated so far...not bad.
Posted by: Agent HuffnPuff at January 31, 2007 9:06 PM
Fuck. I got capped with JIZZ. Im a sore loser but mark my words I will be back! Perhaps I'll got to Toyko for three weeks vacation. I don't like blaming people but myself for my actions but I was drunk enough to let my guard down and got a big double JIZZ.
I need vengeance next year.
On a side note:
KFC is great. Good choice...as good as vengeance.
Posted by: Nabeshin L0bayashi at January 31, 2007 11:28 PM
So there's 12 left and 50 or so kills. NY had 220 people and over 100 kills. What, did SF only have 100 people or do we really represent that poorly? I would made up at least 10 if I was inside the SF city limits. Fuckin Address.
Posted by: Niners07 at February 1, 2007 10:19 AM
Based on the fact that the games have gotten bigger since NYC 2006 I'd bank on the theory that you guys just suck that hard.
Posted by: Mr. Peter Stevens at February 1, 2007 12:22 PM
There weren't that many people playing this year, due to the holiday season making registration a bit difficult for most. I think there were about 125-150 players at the very most.
Posted by: Agent Amp at February 1, 2007 12:30 PM
If Agent Amp's estimation is accurate, then yes, we do suck that hard.
Posted by: Agent Zeno at February 1, 2007 2:56 PM
Not that I had high expectations but these left-coast people are a major disappointment.
Posted by: Agent Orange at February 1, 2007 3:25 PM
Can you believe we have not had ONE single submission for a visual kill?! Big ups to my New York crew. Holla! Dip, yo. Oh, snap! They got served! Peace out. Word to your mom.
Posted by: Li'l Abacus at February 1, 2007 3:47 PM
I have photos of me and all but one of my kills. I would send them in, but my feeling is that some douchebag would give them to rouge assassins.
Posted by: Dr.Monkey at February 1, 2007 4:19 PM
Zeno is DEAD!
Posted by: blahblah at February 1, 2007 5:39 PM
Of the few remaining assassins in the game, I'm willing to do video-shoots with you. For more info, shoot me an email: amputee@gmail.com .
Posted by: Agent Amp at February 1, 2007 5:49 PM
My heartfelt congratulations to Night Thrasher: there is no one I would have rather been taken out by.
It is true, then, that I can no longer increase my kill count beyond its current 7. Unlike Dr. Monkey, however, I know how to spell "rogue".
And thus it is that I, Danny Dawson, cast aside my identity as Zeno, resume my Quasistoic pseudonym, and welcome any agents to come and find me. I offer, to any Agents who dare to send me an email or give me a call, all the information I have about Night Thrasher, including where to find him on his hunting grounds.
Why would I offer out this information free of charge? Simple: I have a kill record to protect, and Mr. J. Flynn is currently my biggest threat.
Kman: get off your ass and do something about your target, won't you? Perhaps try contacting me? You've absolutely nothing to lose, unless you let this pass you by. Pansy.
Night Thrasher: I hope this doesn't create any bad blood between us. You're a water brother now, and I hold you in the highest regard. I have great respect for you. I just also want you dead.
The rest of you: keep your noses clean, your heads down, and don't do better than I did.
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Post a comment
Contact your Shadow Governement Official: liveinfear@streetwars.net
Li'l Abacus is right... Get those eggrolls out of your ears. I killed Janni!
On top of it, I did it quick and I did it well!
None of the Shadow Governments pawn-rogue asses could get even touch him. But me? I get him in less than 3 hours. Shit!
Supreme and Mustache,
With the utmost respect (despite the lame as name calling), there is a reason why your rogues got killed so early in the game. THEY SUCK AT BEING ASSASSINS. They need to go back to their Video Game consoles.
I gots my fizz face on Son!
Now I'm off to get a pickle jar and some rippers.
I'm Ghost Riding the Whip Son!
Fucking stupid dumb, on the mother-fucking-Yellow Bus!
E-40 all at ya!
Agent Dr.Monkey
Posted by: Dr.Monkey at January 31, 2007 9:40 AM