Question & Answer time, with Mustache Commander

Your daily kill stories

Team 1337 (3) ate a delicous Marshmallow (0)

Marshmallow, unlike St. Andrew's Revenge, did have a fighting chance. After a chase in the building team 1337 was giving up and loudly voicing our frustration on the street corner when Marshmallow ran out, super soaker in tow.

"Which one of you is it?!!" She yells.

Too late. Django had already shot her with Pwner jumping in front of
her blast secret service style.

We humbly prostrate ourselves before the Shadow Government and would
like to offer another bottle of whiskey, if it pleases you.

Snohobo (2) ate a delicous Fallen (1)

I thoroughly hella wetted one (1) emo loser today.

After 'emo face' thwarted my attack yesterday due to my HONG DA 996 pistol misfiring and giving my mark an opportunity to wet me with a syringe (which he no doubt uses to pluck tears from baby's eyes to moisturize his skin) - I made sure to check the time and vowed to pop him minutes after my 24 hour cool off period.

I followed my target form his place of work - to a bank close by. My target was wearing an awesome homemade emo sweatshirt and some sweet frayed up emo jean shorts (nice legs) and had the classic emo side sweep cut - most probably dyed with grape kool aid powder. He made me yesterday - but I was convinced that my 'gay leather cop' disguise would throw him off.

I entered the bank where he was about to make a deposit into his no doubt mini savings account - walked up to him and shot him point blank in the belly. The banker looked very uninterested.

He then - of course - started whimpering about how life was unfair - how he never got enough hugs - and said something about bringing sexy back while trying to slash his wrists with a spork.

Dr Monkey (1) mastered Eric Masters (0)

After 6 hours of staking out my mark, I made my first kill at roughly 7:30pm tonight!

I have killed: Christopher Hellis aka Eric Masters, at his house, 44 Fair Oaks Street.

Was going to make you all proud and kill another tonight, but felt my cockiness from the first kill could be my down fall.

Miss Dutchess (1) eliminated Raphael (0)

i have killed my assignment, raphael .  he was shot as exiting his
home on his way to work.

that is all.

HomoOne (1) cleaned up SlimyBastard (0)

At 8:49AM this morning, my target, SlimyBastard was (water) gunned down as he attempted to enter his carefully-parked car on 18th St.

My stakeout started at 7am when I parked my car in front of 3857 18th St. I was able to conduct surveillance of the sole entry/exit to SlimyBastard's apartment at 3861 18th in my rear-view mirror. In calling the main number at SlimyBastard's office, I discovered that his office opened at 9am. Given that his place didn't have a garage; it could easily be assumed that he would have to leave sometime before the 9am hour to begin his work-bound travels

After an hour and 45 min of monitoring and two of Phil's (best f__king liquid crack in the city) Homemade Turkish Coffees, (Much to my delight, my mark lived just down the street from Philz) the time I had originally allotted for monitoring had expired. I was already late for work myself, but something told me to give it 5 more min.

Then, in my rear view mirror, I saw my mark. He has taken special care to park his car right in front of the stairway to his apartment complex. Unfortunately for him, I was parked in front of that very car. I acted quickly, pulling my weapon and ambushing my victim.

He was within SECONDS of closing the door to his car when he was wetted inside his car. "No!" he screamed in a key of, I thin, C-flat. It was music to my ears, at least.

It seemed the victims keys and morning bun acted as barriers to his speedy escape. I shook hands with the departed and he surrendered his Streetwars card. (Crappy cell phone pic of card attached)

For the record: this is the second time I nailed my target. The first time, unfortunately was (at the time-unknowingly) before the game had officially begun. This take-down will be a lesson to this assasin that tenacity is only good when you pay attention to details This time, it's official: SlimyBastard's candle has been snuffed.

Kman (1) killed Tman (0)

The rain was coming down pretty hard tonight. Perfect for an assassin. Location: TARGET'S WORK. As I drove by, I spot him standing outside. Unfortunate for him, his profession left him out in the open. After a quick look to confirm that was him, I parked my car nearby. There were plenty of people walking about making it easy for me to blend in. I make my way to the street corner of his work; close enough to get a second look. I pretend to talk on the cell phone to look a little less conspicuous. He suspects nothing as I get a clear look of his face. TARGET CONFIRMED. This guy is going down. All I need now is to wait for the opportunity to strike once he steps off the block. After about 15 mins, target is on the go. I follow him as he steps off the block. Ok, now he's fair game. I knew he'd come back sooner or later so I hide and wait for my shot. Sure enough, after 10 mins, I see the target strolling back. As I nonchalantly wait at the street corner, he walks right by me; I pull out my pistola and SQUIRT. TARGET DOWN. Easy Peasy.

NightThrasher (2) found a cure for the Tropical Flu (0)

Agent NightThrasher confirming kill of Agent Tropical Flu. With a combined stakeout time of 7 hrs and 23 minutes, this kill was sweet relief, if only from hypothermia. I had previously ascertained Tropical’s exact apartment location via a serendipitous entry to the building. Returning for the kill in the early hours of the morning, I stood sentry behind the edifice as dawn’s first steely light crept up in the east. When at last a yellow glow appeared at that hypnotizing window I knew today I would finally catch the Flu… (so to speak). I hurriedly relocated myself to my secondary vantage point on the opposite side of the loathsome structure, across the busy street. Though she did dally, and my forbearance was waning, at last I saw a taxi pull in front of her abode. “Someone’s in a hurry, methinks”. I hot-footed it across the dual-carriageway to place myself at the obscured point of an isosceles triangle, the other two vertices being the open door of said taxi, and that of the afore-mentioned building. When Tropical Flu entered the triangle I bisected it with a stream of watery antidote, and the Flu was no more.

On the way home I mailed my 2006 Tax Return.

Lebowski (1) switched off the Hidden Switches (0)

This morning, I awakened without the aid of an alarm, at 6:00am. The taste that lingered in my mouth was not the usual booze and hookers. This was booze and hookers, with a healthy side order of bloodthirst. I knew I must kill today, or I would not sleep again. I rose from my bed, careful not to disturb the rest of the house, and began my morning ritual of meditation, calisthenics, personal hygiene, and body mutilation. I also ate half an old strawberry filled donut. I would need every ounce of strength I could muster.

As I prepared my assassination kit, my mind delighted in the thought of finally bringing about the demise of my targets. In the last few days, I learned much about them, as they learned nothing of me. I spent cold nights lingering around their homes and their place of business. I aroused the suspicions of various neighbors and patrons of our fine city’s Municipal Railway. There’s a valet at a certain SOMA restaurant who I’m sure has the image of my face burned to his memory. All of this was a prelude, I dreamt. As I knelt on my bed of nails in front of my altar, the sting of melting candle wax searing my nipples, I tapped in to a higher part of my consciousness. It spoke to me. It told me that today was the day the shit would go down.

I descended to the garage to take stock of the various vehicles that were available for this morning’s mission. I chose a stealthy and inconspicuous chariot. An “everyman” car. It would provide sufficient coverage as I stalked, yet its top secret hydro-fusion proton accelerated 1000 bhp motor could put me anywhere on the block in the blink of an eye. Also, it has sweet rims and is almost completely paid off.

I decided to make a quick check of the neighborhood to see if there were any nefarious characters with the same ideas in their head as were in mine. Certainly there wouldn’t be another assassin with the discipline to be in my area at this ridiculous hour, but I’m not the type to leave a stone unturned. I exited my house secretly and quickly made eye contact with a shadowy figure who’d positioned himself three houses up the street. I’d been seen. I don’t like being seen, and it took all the self-restraint I could muster to keep myself from unleashing a watery wrath upon this pathetic amateur like this city has never seen.

Seeing me see him, the bumbling wannabe assassin simply turned around and faced the house he was standing in front of. The old “hide in plain sight” routine. Well played, sir. I retreated back in to the house where I could monitor his activities from behind three foot thick safety glass. I eventually determined that his presence was not a threat, and that I could easily depart without having to bother with him. I cursed him one last time for derailing me from my schedule, and proceeded out.

Safely off my block, I noticed that my vehicle was low on fuel. Not surprising. In addition to several hundred gallons of hydrogen and protons per mile, it also consumes quite a bit of standard petrol, as well as several kittens. When it comes to vehicles, I cannot be troubled with trivia such as conservation and environmental friendliness. Hell, the mere mention of the word “friendliness” is completely wasted on me. I filled my tank and continued on to what would be the site of a glorious battle, most assuredly ending in my victory.

I arrived at Agent Gurl ’s street at approximately 7:00am. I had reason to believe that my two targets were dating each other and had spent the night at this location. As I drove by, I observed that a hall light appeared to be on. I hoped I would not have to wait long. I needed to quench this thirst. I found a parking space a few houses up and settled in, prepared to consume an unhealthy amount of sunflower seeds and smoke several packs of cigarettes. I knew at some point I would need to acquire a partner, whom I could then send out for coffee.

I was surprised that it was only ten minutes before the murderous duo of Boi and Gurl cautiously set foot on the sidewalk in front of Gurl ’s apartment. They peered up and down the block in a very “Shaggy and Velma” sort of way before deciding the coast was clear and crossing the street towards Stanyan Ave. I could have sworn they looked directly at me, and perhaps they did, but I’d certainly escaped their suspicion. I silently exited my vehicle and began a casual walk up the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and approximately 100 feet back from them. They turned the corner and, out of their possible eyesight, I sped up my pace until I rounded the same. As I regained sight of them, I observed what would eventually be their demise: they strolled in a casual loving embrace... slowly... and with no concern for anyone but each other. Their sweetness would have brought a tear, had I not been so cold-blooded. Instead, it afforded me the opportunity I needed. I quickened my pace behind them. As I closed the gap, I drew my Super Soaker. It wouldn’t be long now. I began to run towards them, ready for the possibility that one of them could turn and fire at any moment. Closer... closer.... They spoke in soft tones, each hanging on the other’s every word. Closer... closer... Their casual stroll became ever more poetic as I approached. Closer... closer... I found myself within five feet of the couple, who had still not noticed me. Time froze.

Suddenly, a spark of compassion. A tiny spark. It struggled against the coldness of my soul to ignite a tiny flame of empathy. I felt an emotion I’d never felt before. Mercy. I felt merciful. In a split second, I decided to not to take the opportunity to kill both targets as they walked side by side. Instead, I would allow Gurl to live, watching her gentleman lover take his last breath of his mortal life, and dying in her arms. I only needed to kill one of them to take them both out, so I would abstain from the joy of killing both. And here I thought that the spirit of the recent holidays had eluded me. Go figure.

I blurted out, “HEY BOI ”. The couple turned their heads as I gleefully delivered a glimmering stream from my Super Soaker to Boi ’s shoulder. He wailed in pain and defeat as Gurl ’s face turned to horror and she yelped one last cry for her fallen companion. As they both realized who I was, Gurl ’s face became vacant and she gave him a sympathetic “Ooooh”. Clearly, her healing process had begun, and she was moving on.

Pleasantries were exchanged as I removed the Streetwars identification card from Boi ’s soaked body. I made a quick phone call to summon some goons to come by and dispose of him. It was 7:15 and my work was done.

More watershed will be forthcoming. My work ethic is impeccable.

Zeno (2) transformed Optimus Prime Junior (0) into a wet assassin

Agent Optimus Prime Junior was taken down with a direct shot to the forehead when he foolishly cracked open his door to greet my Agents of Deception, otherwise known as his next-door neighbors. While he explicitly admits defeat, he claims that he has not yet received his identification from the Shadow Government due to "a bit of the flu".

I watched over him as he dispatched an electronic message to the SG notifying them of the kill.

The Belixious (1) wetted That Guy (0)

Following an hours stakeout, and a clean roommate kill—proof that roommates shouldn't let their street-warring cohabitants make them take out the trash—the Target arrived home and regretted one too many steps to his front door. It was a clean shot in the back accompanied by a hearty ration of expletives by the Target.

Off to meet my next victim...

Time of death: 7:45

Agent Kobayashi (2) passed Fastpass (0)

Making amends for my past failure is rewarding. I got a surprising kill of my 2nd target. I figured that my mark was a student and may have had a lot of time on his hands to make a kill. This guy was as smart as me but not quick on the draw or should I say, a bit anxious and careless.

Both of us had the same idea of attacking at the same time frame. I was posting up at a stop light intersection attending to my phone. I see my mark coming out of his building and dashing towards me with a water gun (though I had not noticed he was armed at the ready.) Later I find that his target, now mine, was down the street somewhere. Still looking at my phone I hear something drop to the ground. The target was about a few feet away and dropped his own phone to the ground, detaching his battery and battery cover. “Holy Shit, “I said with an uncertain look on my face all because I was not sure if this was my mark and the fact that he had smashed his phone to the ground.

I stared at him a bit more and notice that this WAS my mark. He scrambles for his phone parts and stares back at me. Without hesitation I pull out my Walther PPK and gun him down with JIZZ.

Sorry my friend but excitement and carelessness cannot be tolerated in this line of work.