SF2007

Volunteers, Fried Chicken and Space Docking

January 25, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 04:33 AM

Game Status Update

Total Kill Count: 39

Current Kill Leader: Tie: NightThrasher (4) and the now deceased 1337 (4)

Lately when I wake up in my Emperor sized bed, with baby seal skin sheets, surrounded by a bevy of former virgins and I reach for my morning piece of breakfast fried chicken, I'm in a fairly craptastic mood.

You'd think that my liquor, gold, women and general disregard for the sanctity of life would keep me in a good mood all the time, but let me tell you that after a few years of living the high life ennui sets in hardcore. Then you start doing insaner shit just to see if it will make you feel alive. Hence my blatant disregard for numbers, the repeated beating and torture of my servants (Abu Ghraib ain't got nothing on the hallowed halls of the SG headquarters - granted our joint is cleaner and classier). I like the servants to feel special as they are getting their genitals electrocuted), my conceptual fascination with Space Docking, my hated of midgets and my interest in knowing what one would eat the week prior to being forced to taste their own shit.

Anyway, my point is that I feel that perhaps this languor has beset some of you assassins and, while you may not have the funds and social status to get away with doing the same things I do to deal with it, I would like to offer you a way to both spice up your assassinating and allow you to make it into week 3 of the tournament despite not having the minimum 2 kills – now this is only for those with large testicles (or the equivalent engorged body part for women that signals toughness – uterus?):

A volunteer mission.

Here's how it goes: you email us your desire to participate, if we choose you, we release your information to all the living assassins and the rogues. If you survive to Monday, you get a free pass to week 3 and perhaps a small token of our respect.

In today's update:

• NightThrasher (4) peed on the rug of a man for this time and place...sleep well Lebowski (1)
• Team Shabang Shabang (1) peeled squeezed and drank up the vitamin C fortified goodness of The 5th Orange (0)
• Kman (2) rocked it like a successful Elmer Fudd - homeboy found the rabbit hole, ordered some firehose equipment from ACME and let fly with some liquid death, wettifying himself one Rabbit (0)


• Zeno (3) went all Perfect Storm on The Belixious (1)


• Gweilo (2), although he did the killing, got a lesson on how real men operate - being schooled on the difference between a squirt and a stream by the always sexxxy Xtra Silky (0)




Kill stories and crap follow.

Your daily kill stories

NightThrasher (4) peed on the rug of a man for this time and place...sleep well Lebowski (1)

Agent NightThrasher confirming kill of Agent Lebowski.

This was a battle that raged on two fronts, over several days. The Dude was a worthy adversary, with the cunning of a fox, and the guile of a shaved greased hare. He bought himself a 24-hour reprieve on Monday, after a garage-door debacle that left the Thrasher limping, but far from limp. On Tuesday Lebowski pulled the rug from under me just as I was preparing to piss on it. Damn prostate. Today though, today, after a protracted gun battle, NightThrasher did what he does best... (and I don't mean talking about himself in the 3rd-person). After falling short with a mail-slot shot as The Dude gunned his whip in the garage, I secured a concealed vantage point through a small opening in the garage wall, beneath his power meter. I saw Lebowski's shoes, as he crouched, primed, hose-cannon in hand. Plunging my weapon-ed hand into the darkened slot I was able to loose a fusillade in his direction, before he hosed down my arm as if it were a newly-arrived lice-ridden convict at a correctional facility. I knew if he was wet then I was victorious. The Dude promptly and sportingly opened the door for corporeal inspection. Lo, there on his right arm was a trail of moist silvery beads, and the Thrasher had claimed another victim.

It was well that he went down fighting as he did, because I had already planned the next attack, inspired by Slayer's third album

[You lucky bastards get to read this story from both perspectives - SC]

I was killed this morning by Agent NightThrasher. During our second fierce gun battle at my compound, he somehow managed to actually put a hand with a gun THROUGH a wall of my home, all D.L. from "Heroes" stylee. I've never seen anything like it, but I shot at it anyway, with my Serious Motherfucker Home Defense Water Cannon [tm]. Chaos, resembling the final scene of Reservoir Dogs, ensued. We were both wet, but it wasn't entirely clear how the shit went down. The many high speed cameras I've set up around the perimeter of The Respectable Manor were destroyed by the various explosions, walls caving in, and bodies of civilian casualties draping themselves over them. I also lost several guard dogs, a couple of Hummers, and some motion activated smart targeting wall-mounted machine guns. I tipped my gun to James and conceded defeat. Afterwards, we synced up intel on each other, and on his next target. After hearing of his plans for me for the rest of the week, I consider myself lucky to have been taken out as mercifully as I was. He's a remorseless killing machine and I almost feel a little bad for his next target. Hope he doesn't have any pets or children.

Agent Lebowski

Team Shabang Shabang (1) peeled squeezed and drank up the vitamin C fortified goodness of The 5th Orange (0).

team shebang shebang caught mr H off guard. stalked him for hours today. i was walking on the opposite side of the street from his house. when out of the blue he starts walking my way. he was getting ready to cross the street-not at the light, jaywalker! when i called out his name he turned around and i shot him. he replys "oh man." ready for new assignment.

team shebang shebang

Kman (2) rocked it like a successful Elmer Fudd - homeboy found the rabbit hole, ordered some firehose equipment from ACME and let fly with some liquid death, wettifying himself one Rabbit (0).

6:30am is way to freaking early for an assassin who's been drinking all night. But knowing my target's a chump, I gambled I could probably just walk up to him and jizz him in the face... no need for anything elaborate. I did a quick drive-by of my target's apartment the night before. His car was parked right outside his front door so he's probably home with his girlfriend. The plan of attack was to get him in the morning as he leaves for work. After a quick coffee run to clear my head...and a quick bj from the Shanequa on Mission to clear my "other" head, I made my way to Ed's hood. He lives near a major intersection with bus stops at all four corners. It was going to be very easy to blend in with all the bus riders waiting at the stops. 8:00am, the girlfriend exits the apartment building. I walked by her to do a quick visual check. That's her so he must be close behind right? WRONG. Should have guessed he was a lazy bastard. Mind you, I'm a manly man but standing outside in the early morning for this long was so cold, it was making my bait'n tackle retrack inwards. If this guy doesn't come out soon, I was going to have to resort to plan B...Operation "JuicyLucy". Don't ask me what this is...you'll know it when it hits you. So after standing at the corner bus stop, counting numerous buses passed me by AND mistaken twice for a drug dealer, my target finally strolled out of his hole. 9:30am. Fucking took him long enough. The guy didn't even seem cautious... didn't act like he expects to be shot today. Sucka-foo! Today was his unlucky day. Took a sip of my whiskey laced coffee and faced his direction so I could get a clear shot. He had about 20 feet to go before he reached the bus stop. The guy had no chance. As he leisurely strolled towards me, I griped my trusty pistola hidden inside my coat. A visual check confirmed it was the target. Out comes the weapon... JIZZED like a dirty crack-ho. Rabbit is DEAD.

Zeno (3) went all Perfect Storm on The Belixious (1)

SG,

After 7 days of excruciating silence, I can finally report that my third target, The Belixious, is dripping from the ear. I promise no quality story in this update, however, as I am far too drunk on celebratory whiskey.

After recovering from the deadly biological weaponry (flu) my last target used to infect me, I spent a few days studying my new Target's habits at both his abode and his place of business. Since I found my Target occupied a desk in his office which was fully visible to me, even standing outside, I thought "yes, this shall be an easy task." Alas, I spent many a silent hour waiting outside on that first day before I promptly lost my Target on his exit. I still do not know what kind of black magic he used to elude me that day, but oh the pain it caused.

Saturday: The second attempt I made on my Target's dryness I decided to go balls-to-the-wall. His front porch was slightly obscured from the street by a waist-high wall, behind which I sat for approximately an hour waiting for his arrival home. This attempt would surely leave me completely exposed in the case of failure, but I decided that failure would not be acceptable. Unbeknownst to me, my Target was already indoors with his woman preparing for an outing. When the doorknob rattled, I was ready and had my pistol aimed to greet any exit with a shot between the eyes. Lucky for her, and perhaps less lucky for me, Target's woman exited the building first. I spared her, but her screams alerted Target to my presence, and he promptly shut and locked the door, offering his woman as a sacrifice for his safety.

Today, lunch: Two torturous hours waiting for Target to leave his office on a lunch break. Lesson learned: Target's job sucks donkey balls.

Today, evening: Waited patiently for Target to leave office. He was the last to go. Target's job still sucks donkey balls. Luckily for me, he does not recognize the man to whom he offered his mate just days before as our paths collide. As soon as he crosses the bridge from one building to another, clearly crossing a street below, I call him out and a short but solid shot jumps from my sidearm to Target's face. I offer him a towel, but he honorably declines.

Target did not have on him the profile of my next mark, but the name he mentioned may have been Chris ...whiskey haze sets in now... and he lives on Lake over in the Presidio. Sounds like I'll have a good fun time over by the old hospital.

Boozedly yours,

-Agent Zeno

Gweilo (2), although he did the killing, got a lesson on how real men operate - being schooled on the difference between a squirt and a stream by the always sexxxy Xtra Silky (0)

Agent Gweilo Reporting:

I have once again made a woman wet and moaning without even touching her. Xtra Silky is Dead.

1.24.07 0900

I depart with the dawn after a restless 3 hours of sleep to join the hordes of suits and skirts flocking to the Financial District. My initial plan to arise extremely early and stalk my victim at her home is thwarted by my nubile concubine who's determined love box keeps me rooted to my circular bed for an extra hour past my ETD. Exhausting her desires, I slip out of my lair and begin Plan B. Challenged by time, I am forced to drive the MoistMobile downtown to her office building. Fortunately the Assassin Gods are on my side, providing me with an ultra convenient parking place less than 10 meters from my stakeout point. After pumping a pound of loose currency into the parking meter ("shit, this thing must be broken, its only giving me 5 minutes for a quarter"), I stroll into the Megacorporation Coffee kiosk that is conveniently placed across the street from another Megacorporation Coffee which is also a half block down from a third of the same brand. I retrieved my UberGigantor Quadruple HalfCap Frothy Java drink from the chipper barrista and place myself within a vantage point of the two most convenient BART exits leading to her work.

The stream of mindless beasts exiting the escalator is thick, and I'm challenged to keep watch over every exiting drone without looking extremely obvious. I should have disguised myself as a mumbling panhandler, instead of the poor lanky office intern/possible bike messenger look that I was wearing. Hell, at least that way I might have made some cash while waiting for my target and at least paid for my parking, if not the gallon of supercaffeinated beverage that I was sipping. Time begins to pass and I fear that my morning may have been spent better in the capable arms of my personal masseuse. But there is no time for whining, I had a job to do.

It is almost 0900 with absolutely no sign of my hit, and the stream of '9 to 5ers' is beginning to wane. I strafe over to my escape vehicle to place one last bucket of coins in the meter. While heading back for another stroll of the station exit my pulse quickens when I see familiar wisps of light brown hair rising from the subway. I continue walking past her, confirming the telltale mole on her right cheek. Her hands are both out of her pockets, and her pace is focused on crossing the street to her office building. Her nervous glance bounces off my dark sunglasses and beanie, then moves on with no recognition of danger. Check and Mate.

Immediately after passing her, I double back and pace alongside until we are three paces from reaching the block of her building. A quick loving squirt brings about her demise. In the words of our esteemed President: 'Mission Accomplished'.

I must note that Xtra Silky did die a glorious death. Immediately after lightly basting her with my waterpistola, she exclaimed "NO, I wanted to go out better than that!!". I had initially spared the SS MAXD2000 on her primarily due to the presence of an officer of the peace who had, just before the moment of sighting her, walked into a nearby cafe for his daily cache of doughnuts. Never one to leave a woman wanting, I inquired: "If that wasn't good enough, then how would you like it?" "Give me you're best money shot!" she exclaimed. I was only too happy to oblige. And I must say, she was pretty happy with it as well.

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