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Chicago 2007

First Kill and The Road To Alcoholism

July 16, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 09:04 PM

Total Kill Count: 4
Current Kill Leader: Too Early To Report - Need More Kills

One hour and thirty one minutes.

That is all it took for one of you to taste the sweet nectar of victory and for one of you to get cock-slapped across the face with the wet reality of your lack of assassinatin' skills.

It was an awesome start (though less than stellar story) to the tournament and I have to give it up for the skills of Eternitygirl. Many of you were talking shit about how you would get the first kill, you didn't...and you are lucky as hell that I value my urine, otherwise I would find each of you and pee on you a bit to teach you a some damn humility.

After having gotten a pretty decent woody from that first kill coming so early, I must say that both me and my penis were hella disappointed in that it took til Monday afternoon for the next kill to come...thankfully, you kids did a pretty decent job of keeping the kills coming over the day, which did wonders for my Monday sex life. I, my penis and my harem thank you.

Don't congratulate yourselves too much...it has been a good start but, by no means a great start...I hope to hear of many more killingses come Tuesday...AND...I hope that you rock me some better kill stories, thus far I have been extremely disappointed at the lack of delicious description in the kill stories - I want to know how the kills went down, not just that they happened...

Now a little breakdown of the Monday kills and a heart-warming story of a man's first drink of liquor.

In today's update:

Eternitygirl (1) out skilled all of you fools but, none moreso than Iko (0) who had the honor of being the first killed in the Chicago tournament (best of luck next time)

Big Daddy (1) made The Moist (0) bend over and receive a nice ass-reddening spanking.

Dos Lobos (1) went all Ghostbusters on the ass of Spookybutt, who didn't even bother to pick up her assignment before dying.

Sergeant Fun (1) aquatically revoked the fun license of agent Mustard (0)

Kill stories and crap follow.

It is my pleasure to report that on this, the 16th day of july in the
year of our lord 2007, Jeff Ickow was assassinated by my hand at 1:32am.
I need a new target.

***

We found her back porch knocked on the door, BAM!
Ashley Finlayson is no longer in street wars. However,
she never picked up her assignment, so we have no
target as of right now. please assist.

-Dos Lobos

***

themoist has been eliminated.

Thank you sir, may I have another

***

June, 2007

"Dude, I'm going to sign up for that water gun game!"

He sits on the other side of the cubicle. He laughs at inappropriate
times, listens to his music - terrible music - far too loudly and he is
always into the 'next big thing'.

"What water gun game?"

I roll my eyes and prepare for a vast and grammatically incorrect tale
about some drunken jaunt his friends are organizing for some holiday
hallmark made up to sell frosted glass baubles to overweight women.

"You ever play assassin? That game where you..."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That game where you write your name on a piece of
scrap paper and your friends draw it from a hat and then spring out from
around a corner yelling boo at you when you least expect. No, I have
never played. I have never wanted to. Assassins is for pussies. I have
weapons training. I have passion and desire and imagination and
absolutely no interest in playing a game unless it is a challenge; I do
not wont for drunken banter.

"Dude, streetwars.net man. Read all about it."

Back to the workday: Code to write, meetings to dodge and many more
dealings with the guy on the other side of the cubicle. He wants to buy
pit vipers. He wants to raise a clutch of praying mantises and fight
them. He wants to do a zombie walk in Amsterdam. I want him to go to
Amsterdam as well.

My lunch break offers a few minutes away from the reams of code I've
been spewing for the past four hours and I open a browser. I am met with
something that intrigues me. I jump directly to the multimedia, as it is
most easily consumed while I, myself, am consuming bagels and some sort
of strawberry flavored cream that makes my teeth hurt and my tongue feel
guilty for what it imagines having done to Miss Shortcake.

Interested I move on to Wikipedia. As a programmer it is in my contract
to rely almost completely on this as the definitive source on any topic,
wholly regardless of its authors' credentials. Wikipedia says the game
is cool. Cool and global. Let's Google it.

I am sucked immediately into the world of Streetwars. The Polish, they
love it. Germans too. Londoners seem to think it is the shit and a
number of our coastal people are fans. It's not just the guy sitting
across from me, laughing wildly at what sounds like Craftsman power tool
animal porn, and it's not just a game of Assassins.

I discuss it with my fiancee. I am met with an excited 'Yes yes yes' and
a very elusive 'no teams, none at all'. $80 and a few web forms later
and I am awaiting my meeting with those organizers of this underground
alternate reality game of international intrigue.

I tell the guy on the other side of the cubicle that I've signed up. I
tell him because I want him to fear me when he puts his headphones on
and know that I might be behind him when he leaves the office. It turns
out he never signed up. Missed the deadline and has bought bearded
dragons. Apparently they are the 'in thing' right now.

July 15th, 2007

I'm next to her. I've been next to her for six years now. When she moves
her hand I can watch it and tell you what she is thinking. Right now she
is thinking that she would like to kill me. I know just how dangerous
she can be. I am easily twice her weight but her looks can throw me
across the room. Her fingertips can be rose pedals or dirk tipped dagger
digits. She walks away from me and into a door behind which is another
door, one with a wreath, and is gone from me for what seems like forever.

I am lost. I have a water pistol tucked into my belt and it is dripping
into my ass-crack. I am leaning on a tree trying to look like a killer
but feel I only come off looking like that guy with the Knight Rider
tee-shirt at prom. A girl in a 'this is what Anne Franke would look like
if she had had money and, you know, had not been killed by Nazis' outfit
is telling stories of car chases and baby making and all manner of
effigy that are completely lost on me. I am staring at a sign. The sign
is staring back at me. It is speaking to me in some crazy moon language
and swaying back and forth in a wind that, for the life of me, I can't feel.

Is this something I should be doing? Can I actually do this? When I was
20 I used to tell people that if I hadn't made a movie by the age of 25
- a real movie with a real cast and real sets and real cameras and, as
it turns out, a real debt - I would give up civilian life and become an
assassin. Well, I have made a movie. A few, in fact. Am I really ready
to devote weeks of my life to stalking, catching and killing some poor
sap who paid the same $40 as I did?

Of course I am.

It is that little girl, that five-foot-absolutely-zero-inches little
girl to whom I have been completely devoted to for nearing a decade now,
that scares the living shit out of me.

As though by way of fate, she comes powering out of the glass doors into
which she flitted a few moments, or perhaps a few hours, ago.

"You're up", she says. I suppose that means I'm up.

The whole mess was very well thought out. Standing on the street corner
was awkward, but once through the glass doors I am in another world. I
am in Soel or the Kowloon district or some other place I've seen guys
with washboard abs and typewriter sound effects jumping and shooting and
kicking the hell out of one another. My heart begins to race and I open
the door with the wreath.

As instructed, I go to door number seven. I have no need to knock as a
gentleman whom I believe was, in fact, the Supreme Commander is leaving
and the door is left open. I slip in.

"Welcome."

A man I have only ever seen in drawings is sitting across from me. He is
costumed as I would think he would be in light of the surroundings; his
longish hair tucked under a fedora, a traditional pan-asian
extremely-large-sleeved shirt smock thing an a mustache from which
entire universes may at some point be born. I pull the dripping water
pistol from my belt and place it on the table as I have seen Chow Yun
Fat at least sixty times.

"So, you and Eternitygirl are, shall we say, together?"

Already she's an influence.

"Yeah."

"I wish we would have known, we would have done something special for
you", he intones. I can only imagine what that might mean. I have not
yet figured out if this is a silly game or if we are taking this
seriously. I am taking it seriously, to be sure, but if he is as well I
should take this sort of statement with dire weight.

"There are three things I need you to do for me."

The first is a killing contract. It outlines items that need to be
outlined legally in a situation such as this. I scan it and sign it
hastily. The second is a flash of light into my eyes which I can only
think means a photograph and which I am pretty sure wasn't for
posterity. The third is a bit of a concern.

I am T-total. Is't not religious, it's not social and it is not because
I think that drinking or drugging or huffing goddamned Etch-a-Sketch
dust is a terrible thing and that people shouldn't do it. It is almost
completely because my mind, and my mental state, are the most valuable
commodity I have. They have always been. I'm not a rockstar. I don't
look like a rockstar, can't play an instrument or sing like a rockstar
and sure as hell don't party like a rockstar. Instead I solve spacial
geometry problems freehand. I invent new ways to do things for a living.
I write code and write stories and write complex maths and have never in
my life had a drink. The thought of having a single slip of sentience
effected by an outside force scares me more than anything else I can
imagine. Alcohol, a party favor to you, is to me a devastating poison.

"...from my own personal distillery..."

It's whiskey. I don't know anything about whiskey. NyQuil and Banaca
spray constitute my entire dealings with the sweet rot and all I know is
that what he has poured and handed to me wilts my eyelashes and melts
that part of me inside that once owned a Cabbage Patch Kid named Sean.

"Look, I've never had a drink in my live. Ever."

This was an attempt to get off easy. TO have the guy say, "Oh, well,
lets do Burple instead. Do you like Tang? Crystal Pepsi?" This does not,
in point of fact, happen.

"Well, then what better a way to indoctrinate you into the brotherhood
of assassins?"

I flail a bit. I think I may have mumbled something about being a
T-totaler but was quieted by the battle being waged in my head. Am I
really going to do this? There is no going back. If this is done, it has
to mean something. If this is done, I have to commit everything I've
got. I have to live this. If I down this, so too must I down this game.

It felt like drinking a goddamned forest fire. when it hit my stomach my
anus inverted. My salivary glands emptied themselves with the type of
vigor reserved for making out with models and my eyeballs insisted that
to focus on anything actually present and in the room with me was
ridiculous.

"This pleases me", he says, "I will pay special attention to you. It
means a great deal for you to share this with me."

I believe I may have muttered something about this being a pleasure or a
memorable occasion but in all honesty my body was screaming at me in a
way I have never felt before. It was almost certain I had just had an
ounce of paint thinner cut with heavy metals mixed with a Canadian coin
dissolved in battery acid. It responded to this as you would think it
to. Revolt.

I stumbled out and locked arms with my fiancee. We tumbled down the
street together and I knew not only that I had changed just then - that
I was now something different for this experience - but that I had in
one hand the dossier of someone I was to kill and in my other, the hand
that will inevitably, at some point in these proceedings, try to kill me.

More to come.

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