Chicago 2007
Storm Clouds Gather...
July 20, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 10:00 AM
Total Kill Count: 21
Current Kill Leader: Dos Lobos (4)
After a much deserved rest from my duties as Supreme Commander (including, but not limited to, drinking, having sex with my harem, having sex with your mom, getting massages, beating servants, exploiting the under-classes for my own personal gain, et al), I have return to peep the killy details on the Shadow Government mainframe computer and what do I find...?
Not a stunning number of kills...and a fairly quiet weekend yet, I still have (misplaced) faith in you assassins.
Why?
I see potential.
Granted, often times potential is never realized - like many of you fools that were talking a big game when you came to see us and are now likely in the hospital with inflamed and liquid filled alveoli from having been wetted so thoroughly (for those of you that are not medically literate, that means you done got a Pneumonia, son!).
Those of you that are not hospitalized however, have a new challenge to meet.
Staying dry just got a little harder.
As of Monday, I will be releasing the Rogue Assassins on your asses, they are unkillable (though stoppable), full of hate, water and looking forward to get some kills under their belts.
Good luck surviving.
Ah!
If you have not gotten an email from us officially bitch-slapping you out of the game for no attempts, then you are still in it. Don't shit on our kindness - do something good and go wet someone.
In today's update...
- Jewrookie (1) killed the English language
- Much like Cobra Commander had his ass handed to him countless times, so has Big Daddy (2) handed StormShadow his own ass and, by extension, has ass-handed team Arashikage (0)
- The Truth (1) cut short the tenure of The Administrator of the The Bureau (2)
- The Goose (1) laid a wet golden egg on the aptly named agent Zero (0)
- Martin Levin (2) ran game on the TSA and smoked Doobie (0) just as he was boarding a plane
Kill stories after the jump.
Holla.
Your daily kill stories
The Truth (1) cut short the tenure of The Administrator of the The Bureau (2)
This is The Truth informing you that one The Administrator is no longer among the dry. I know, it took me long enough to get warmed up, but now that I am, there will be fucking murders. Out.
From The Administrator
I was assassinated last night at 3:30 am. This Chris guy waited in my alley (which I share with Blue Man Group so its pretty rat infested, I mean really rat infested) since 10:30pm, so he was there for 6 hours! I was on the phone trying to get my keys out and he jumps out of the alley like "Gotchya" but he didnt actually squirt me. And so I start putting my keys in my pocket and walking towards him. I shove the water gun away and start running as fast as i can down the street! About a block down he finally starts shouting "I GOT YOU! I GOT YOU!" I feel my back and its wet. Fuck! So we walk back to my place and he explains how he searched for like 3 days to get this huge refrigerator box to hide in, which he put in my alley. I ask him if he saw any rats back there to which he replied, "Yeah like a thousand it was gross!" I told him he deserved the kill since he waited back there so long in filth. The entire time I was running and stuff I forgot I was on the phone! So this girl ****** I was talking to was like "What the hell just happened? All I hear was you say 'hold on' and then I hear a ton of cursing and just the phone russle around like it was in your pocket!" hahaha... so alas I have been eliminated...
The Administrator
The Goose (1) laid a wet golden egg on the aptly named agent Zero (0)
Zero is dead. I summarily dispatched him at 10:49 a.m. He never saw it coming.
I had been pursuing Alex for the entire week, and until today he had eluded me completely; I never even caught a glimpse of him. On Monday I arrived at his apartment at 7 a.m., with hopes of soaking his ass on his way to work. Assuming he took public transportation, I had surmised the general direction in which he would have to walk, and I staked out a prime hiding spot and waited. And waited. And waited. And he never came. After two hours I gave up and headed to work. On my lunch hour I set up shop in a bus shelter just steps from the entrance to his building. I kept watch over that entrance for just over an hour, with no luck whatsoever.
And so it went for the entire week. I am as cunning as I am handsome, and yet I was never able to identify my target, much less kill him. I altered my strategy, spying on his building from the darkness and anonymity of my car. No dice. I hid in the alley adjacent to his house with gun drawn, but his dog-walking neighbors repeatedly questioned my presence there, and my cover was blown. It was, in short, a most frustrating week.
And so this morning I woke with renewed vigor, ready to do whatever it took to kill my target. And yet, when I prepared to leave this morning, who should I find standing six inches from my front door, but my assassin! My dog alerted me to his presence, and I spied him through the peephole. It was a most unwelcome sight, and I had to temporarily postpone my plans. An hour later, my assassin having given up and vacated my building, I high-tailed to my target's neighborhood. I found a secluded spot between two cars on the opposite side of the street and waited. I was prepared to wait for hours, and had brought along the new Harry Potter book for entertainment. Not 5 seconds after I sat down, my target emerged from his apartment. I wasn't certain it was him, and he did not seem suspicious or nervous, and so I followed at a generous remove, some 50 feet behind him. As we walked I began to close the gap, making sure to stay out of sight lines, lest I tip him to the pursuit. As he turned a corner I got my first good view of him, and I knew it was my target. I began to speed up, and crossed to the opposite side of the street. My plan was to overtake him by a good twenty paces, then double back and face him straight on. He turned on a street filled with people setting up chairs and food stands, for what appeared to be a neighborhood festival. Halfway down the block he was stopped by security and told he could not pass. I knew I had to make my move. Moving quickly, I crossed the street. As he approached, I called out his name, as if we were old friends. He shot me a quizzical look. I shot him in the solar plexus.
He had his ID on him (good man), but did not have the identity of his target. We arranged for me to pick it up tomorrow. If, however, you can tear yourself away from your harem, perhaps you might send me the name of my next victim.
Still dry, Goose
Jewrookie (1) killed the English language
Dark rainy night waiting for the target out side of his home waiting in the shadows waiting patiently drench we Jewrookie trained by Hercules himself taught to never retreat never to surrender. Jewrookie the finest soldier in the world that has ever known. My gut tells me he'll be coming my way tonight. It's quite now I can now here footsteps he came from the blackness faces me. Not shooting him right away instead I ask my self what should a free man do. You come to my house, you threaten my people with slavery and death, you say to me this is madness............madness I say THIS IS STREETWARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!my two side shooter blast him in the back. JEWROOKIE PREPARE FOR WAR........JEWROOKIE TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Much like Cobra Commander had his ass handed to him countless times, so has Big Daddy (2) handed StormShadow his own ass and, by extension, has ass-handed team Arashikage (0)
StormShadow got dosed this morning! Shout out to Agent Sergeant Fun for the help. Kill story and the soon to be dubbed “Best Video” on the way!
Thank you sir, may I have another?
Big Daddy
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