London Bourne 2007

Denouement

August 30, 2007 - Posted by Eevil Midget at 01:43 AM

Total Kill Count: 92
Current Kill Leader: Fear Faktor Five (8)

We're reading some literature in anticipation of Paris...
"I've distilled every thing to one single principle: win or die" - Marquise de Merteuil, Les Liaisons Dangereuses

Fraternity of the dead?

• The L.R.A bid au revoir to LFDLM (2)
• FFF (8) retired V (1) and Laydee (0)
• 4S4S Leather Belt (7) claim dodos are extinct with Doce Pares (2) and have been busy with Royboy (0) and Guailo (3)
• The Canary Killer (4) is singing sweetly about the defeat of Bozo (6) and Count Whilhelm III (2)
• Shed Squad (6) are having fun with 0.5 of The Blonde Leading The Blonde (1)
• Generalissimo (2) made Killer Sailor (1) walk the plank

Sudden Death in four days and counting. The end is nigh...

RE: Safe Zone of Work - hours depend on the nature of employment. The block is no longer safe when one has clearly finished their shift, but the actual office itself is off limits.

Special Mention - "They told me, Heraclitus, they told me you were dead, They brought me bitter news to hear, and bitter tears to shed"

PS: Where are the fucking kill reports?! Precisely. They shall be published as soon as we bloody get them. Someone give the verbose (but dead) LFDLM a run for their money...

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London Bourne 2007

Eschatology, Bitches!

August 27, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 05:16 AM

Total Kill Count: 80

Current Kill Leader: Tie: Fear Faktor Five and Agent Bozo (6)

The Day of Reckoning is upon you suckers...

During the course of the day those of you that haven't done what you were supposed to do (i.e., make 2 kills) will be like *totally* pimp-slapped out of the game.

Those of you that are part of the aforementioned pimp-slapped fools - You are poor excuses for assassins...seriously, it kinda makes me physically ill just thinking about you. I can feel the bile rise in the back of my throat with each letter I type writing about you and your non-exploits.

*spit*

Even that can't get the foul taste of your lack of skills out of my mouth...it's like a mixture of cheap booze and hooker-spit. Is it really so hard to find someone and wet them? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Entry into the world of professional assassins requires, at the minimum, dedication and low-level skills...you are obviously lacking one of the two, if not both.

Go back to the comfort of your couch...find the nice impression of your ass and nestle in it once again, eat your potato crisps and kick back and relax...you have found another part of life that you fail at.

Like your parents, I am disappointed in you.

Perhaps, next time you will be more aggressive and dedicated.

Sigh.

Despite my repugnance at your lack of wetting, it pains me to see you go, as I would have liked all of you to have experienced the thrill of the hunt. Alas, it is not to be...this time...

To those of you that made it past the this week, I offer my heartfelt congratulations. No easy feat to last this long...many have fallen to the liquid justice doled out by their fellow competitors...and more will soon fall by the hand of my personal assassins.

...and so the end begins...

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

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London Bourne 2007

Of Vice & Virtue

August 26, 2007 - Posted by Eevil Midget at 04:51 AM

Total Kill Count: 80
Current Kill Leaders: FFF, Agent Bozo (6)

Chicks, Gold, Liquor.
These are the things the Commanders hold dear.
So although disappointingly the streets of London are NOT paved with real gold, we sure like that it's littered with delightful English public houses.

e.g.
The Griffin, EC1R 5DB
- booze and hot women of loose moral character, check
The Lord Clyde, SE1 1ER
- booze, gold* and eevil midget**, check

*BRIBERY
The Shadow Government is in fact, as any clandestine organization, corrupt. Meaning, we are open to receiving offers we cannot refuse, and have indeed been accepting quid pro quos. Bribery is of course a tricky business, and only some of you have the skills of being imaginative with proposals worthy of our attention.

We are particularly impressed with one team who were smart enough to avoid association with rotting corpses at last night's Drinks for The Dead, but even more clever for using it as an opportunity to curry the favour of a government official.

**I'm No Angel
It's a film starring Mae West: "When I'm good, I'm very very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better". To the assassins who played poker with me last night, thank you for the loot. One of you mentioned that it's all about the luck of the cards... and this is true, but never forget that it's a game of skill. It's how you play your cards that makes the difference. If you know what I mean.

Speaking of taking people to the cleaners...

• FFF (6) is quite the juggernaut with Kickham's demise (0)
• Bozo (6) is contesting FFF's title with the deaths of Roach (0) and The Highlander (0)
• Doce Pares (2) finally delivers the fate of another foolishly named Agent Dead in the Water (0)
• Deekoy (4) sent this little Jimmy (0) crying wee wee wee all the way home
• LFDLM (2) demolished The House of Gabriel (0)
• The Pancake (1) is now after only one Pink Lady (2) having dispatched Nikita

Details details...

FFF (6) is quite the juggernaut with Kickham's demise (0)

XXX, another fine location to tick off my Must Visit list. Thank you Shadow Government. Thank you for all the suburban enlightenment you shower upon me. It is truly an honour.

Agent Kickham has been relived of his duties. There are so many Kick-Ham puns that I’m not even going to bother…way too obvious. I will say this though. Your girlfriend’s hot Kickham. Make sure she comes along to the wrap party.

Mwwahahahahaha.
FFF

Bozo (6) crushes another Roach (0)

It does appear that the skill level of my targets seems to be decreasing day by day. I lay in wait on top of a bus stop near my targets flat in my pigeon outfit trying my best to shit on as many people as possible whilst keeping a close eye out for Agent Roach ( yet another one! how I do enjoy the feel of a roach being squelched underneath my boot). My Target finally arrived and although wasn't being particularly careful on route to the flat, did do a walk-by, obviously thinking that walking back from the other direction 30seconds later would make any would confuse any would be assassin. And then the unthinkable happens, Agent Roach spots a fairly large suspicious looking pigeon on top of the bus stop and stops and lurks for a few seconds near the bus stop making worried glances between the safety of the flat and the menacing looking pigeon. I do my best to make pigeon sounding noises and continue carrying normal pigeon duties on the unfortunate commuters. Suddenly, Agent Roach makes a break for it, reassured by my masterful performance and after a seconds pause I soar down from my perch easily catching Agent Roach before she reaches the safety of the front doors and bang bang! R.I.P Agent Roach

LFDLM (2) demolished the House of Gabriel (0)

Yet again La Fraternité de La Mort have secured a stunning and beautifully executed assassination. Whilst all the other chumps lurk in bushes getting wet in the rain for hours on end we create elaborate and fool-proof traps to lure our targets to us. This is how we can afford to holiday and drink champagne whilst everyone else is stressing over their serial incompetence. We hope that the Shadow Government approves of our methods and our priorities. Were we not to have had so many coincidental engagements which warranted our attention we would be grafting daily in your service, but we lack the freedom from commitment which the legendary FFF can claim to possess (and I say this with the greatest of respect to our most fearsome contender). Were it not for this indisposition we would be striving to top the kill-count chart for you.

This week's target was taken down through a fine piece of subterfuge. We would not like to reveal our methods for now - we do not want amateurs stealing our finely-honed and well thought out tactics. Let it only be said that the look of shock on our gracious target's face was priceless. We eliminated the team leader of "The House of Gabriel" and as such his entire team's future careers as assassins are forfeit.

It is a tragedy that we were not able to sink a few jars with our victims - they seemed a sterling bunch and it was only prior 'civilian' plans for sustenance which held us back. As ever, the Brotherhood will graciously make up for wettings with a round of beer to ease the pain, should our targets wish to claim their rightful consolation at the wrap party. Fallen foes - we salute you. You may have been too slow to save your hides, you may have been too trusting, but you have all been admirable people and we lament the necessity of your deaths. However, such is the way of the life of a mercenary. May our paths cross again in another life under more felicitous circumstances.

Last night I got owned by a pair of soldiers, whilst preparing for a sorty on our new target, under the guise of delivery men. Tried to dodge but I've never seen a short person move so fucking quickly.

Wings of Gabriel have been clipped.

The Pancake (1) is now after only one Pink Lady (2)

I arrived at the target building an hour before my target is due to arrive. Over an hour later I'm thinking its a no show. I go the reception desk and go to ask if she has signed in as i am in a meeting with her. Before i get to ask the security guard i see her sitting in the corner of the reception area. I plot up outside with the company smokers. Under an hour later the target leaves the building and heads into the car park. I approach from the rear and call her name. She turns to see me unload a single shot to the face followed by a double tap to the chest. JOB DONE.

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London Bourne 2007

Phrenology

August 25, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 07:22 AM

Total Kill Count: 65

Current Kill Leader: Fear Faktor Five (6)

I heard about the working man what they say
How the working man slaves his life away
And though I never had to work an honest day myself
'Cause since the day I was born I been rollin' in wealth
I heard how the work just never stops
How the working man works 'til he's ready to drop
And you know I can well imagine what it must be like
Though my own hands are just soft and white
But I know what it's like to have to bust your ass
'Cause I'm a Friend of a Friend of the Working Class

Up until recently, those words were the closest I have been to the hoi polloi...but just the other day I had the misfortune of "enjoying" (and I use that term loosely) the English countryside and meeting a number of those that reside there.

To say I was disgusted is an understatement.

Now don't get me wrong, the scenery was truly awe inspiring - lush greeny, rolling hills, small ponds...all quite pleasing to my eye. The "people" (once again, a term used loosely) however ruined the experience. I had no idea your country was so damn inbred.

The oddly shaped heads of your countrymen got me to thinking about when I met you during pick ups...like your country cousins, I noticed some of you had heads that can best be described as "lumpy". Showing a distinct deficiency in areas 5, 6, 7, 12, 14, 20, 22 and 33 of the above chart.

Now, some would be quick to dismiss Phrenology as a "pseudo-science" but, after going through the kill list and cross referencing your pictures with your killosity, I have found that there is a distinct correlation between your head bumps and your effectiveness as assassins. In fact, I beleive I already know who the final winner will be...but it is a bit premature for my predictions...at the moment I merely want to discuss the immediate future...

As of Monday morning all those with less than 2 kills will be eliminated from the competition... that gives you about 24 hours from when you read this to make with the killing and live up to the expectations created by your skull shape.

Just a refresher, as I noticed some of you (obviously those lacking in areas 3, 33 and 35) were confused about the clearly stated rules in reference to minimum kills per week -

Week 1 - merely an attempt is required
Week 2 - you must have 2 kills
Week 3 - you must have 3 kills
Sudden Death - you must have 3 kills

Clear?

Good...now, on to kill stories...

Supreme.

The Canary Killer (2) aquatically mundanifies Agent Razzledazzle

After a brief hibernation the canary tweets again. This kill was a simpler affair than the last one... Why?

Well, there are many things you can do to hide from your assassin: you can get your hair cut short after sending in a long-haired picture, you can provide only one of your two work addresses... And many more. Agent razzledazzle tried these tricks.

But it counts for nothing if your assassin has a friend who works a few desks away from you and is happy to call to report you are on your way down in the elevator wearing a tracksuit top that says BRAZIL on the back in bright yellow letters.

(I mean really... Why not just have it say 'soak me' and leave it at that?)

Three hours waiting in a phone booth. Ten seconds running along the pavement. One little squirt.

Happy to report agent razzledazzle proved to be a thoroughly decent chap, even passing on his unspent waterballoon to me. What is it with the canary killer's victims and the generous bequeathing of watery weapons? If whoever kills me thinks they're getting my supersoaker, they can think again!

That's my second kill, see you in week three!

The Surgeon killed another patient...bye, bye Babaloo

Dear Shadow Government,

How are you? Long time, no speak. I've got to say, you're rather on the mute end of the chatty spectrum. Never mind. I do all my talking through the medium of ultraviolence. Just dropping you a line to confirm that I've iced my target. She put up a valiant struggle and gave me a tooth gnashing amount of grief with her random working hours, but my patience was rewarded with a satisfying chase through the streets of victoria, where she finally succumbed to my superior squirting. With her final words, she passed the baton with two water bombs - may the other agents take note of this honour in death. A worthy adversary. I've got a taste for it now. Send me another face to rearrange.

The Surgeon

Castro may still live but, Agent Bozo kills Havana 1

Agent Bozo takes out Havana 1

I am a Bozo, there's no point denying it, I will make mistakes and perhaps sooner or later I may be punished by a more skilled nemesis. After a harrowing journey from work that involved loosing at least two tails. I get to the targets flat and tuck myself away unnoticed hoping to catch him on route back from work, I noticed he has no kills on the blog and assume he will prove far less challenging than my previous 3 hits. But in the end, he had no honor, after tailing him from his flat across town on the underground and shooting him just outside Tottenham Court Road he claimed he was not my man, I had unfortunately lost the photos that I was carrying in the metro during the pursuit so could not use them to confirm his claim. Also, I assumed foolishly that he would be an honorable assassin, how wrong I was. Due to my earlier dice with death, I was not my usual self and made the error of letting him go without further questioning. However, I assured myself that he was a weakling and it would only be a matter of time before vengeance was mine. In the end he got it again 2 mornings later exiting his flat, he had shaved his beard off in a pitiful attempt at a disguise! I think he may have even given me a false streetwars id card, however the Shadow Goverment know that I am an honorable assassin due to my contract killings of the deceptive Roach Brothers and would never stoop so low as he may have. Be warned dishonorable assassins, your evil ploys will no longer work on me!

Generalissimo gives the GI Warriors an enema

My targets had defied me too long…Both Agent Black and Agent Sweetcheeks had skulked in their hospital, using the multiple exits and NATO like security to their advantage. They had escaped me time and time again..... My beard bristled with rage at the very thought. It was time for a change of plan…… Time to try and smoke Agent Black outside his own house…..

I arrived outside his house at 6:50 this morning, determined to catch him leaving for work. I parked up and waited across the road, the sounds of Virgin Radio and my own pumping adrenalin keeping me focused and awake. Tragically I had no food with me so I risked slipping into a coma at any time, but luckily fortune smiled upon me and allowed me to retain consciousness. I was parked side on and partially concealed by a wall which allowed a quick pursuit on foot or by car, depending on what the situation required.

At approximately 7:30, 2 van loads of police turn up - i thought I had been reported by the neighbourhood watch but fortunately the boys in blue were there on other business at another nearby address. Presumabley, it needed a full two van loads of them to issue a single warrant, play hopscotch, eat loads of donuts etc etc...so I relaxed. I wasn't planning to 'off' a load of coppers so I let them go un-molested.

At approximately 7:45, a male left the block of flats I was watching. It looked a little like my target but he didnt seem particularly furtive in his actions or demanour. I couldnt be sure it was him at this point so I gunned the engine and then drove past him, casually glancing in my rear view mirror before reaching a roundabout and driving back past him. This last drive past pushed my luck though as he spotted me and suddenly twigged that I might be his assassin.

As I glanced in my rear view mirror, I saw him break into a sprint - thus confirming his identity to me! I spun the car around and accelerated, quickly making up any lost ground. By this point, he was now running along main road trying to reach the safety of his bus stop (a safe zone) but he couldn't out run my car, and fortunately at the point I overtook him, there was a handy gap so I screeched to a halt, exited the car, and sprinted after him.

Seeing me overtake him, he had turned around and started running back the previous way, I pursued, and showing a burst of speed that belied my age, I managed to accelerate and gain on him, crumbs from past banquets spraying off me. Trying to shake me off, he turned the corner into an alleyway but unfortunately for him it was a dead end, and as I clattered to a halt facing him, he already had his hands raised and a resigned expression on his face.

A quick clinical burst and it was all over and he graciously handed over his card and wished me the best. A nice guy who took his assasination well! He also informed me that he was team leader which means I have also eliminated his team mate Agent Sweetcheecks. I also shortly received a text from Agent Sweetcheeks congratulating me so hats off to them both for being so sporting.

He also informed me that he was team leader which means I have also eliminated his team mate Agent Sweetcheecks.

I await my next target sir.....

Generalissimo

Loser Muffin Pussy Minjas prove they are not all snary name and kill Agent Double Hose Seven

the loser muffin pussy minjas washed their hands of double hose seven, he was terribly shaken but not stirred.

toodle pip my lovelies. awaiting target numero trois asap.

Agent Rocha puts and end to Omega Black

Agent Rocha reporting in the kill of Omega Black approx 21:20 Wooooday!!!!

Awaiting instruction.

Yours chuffedly Agent Rocha

SHED SQUAD erase agent Null

<<>>

....Target down...

....Stand down all activity's of operation Water Lane...

....Repeat NULL is down...

<<>>

..................................................................................................

<<>>

...Debriefing...

Cracks were starting to appear in Shed Squad, water was seeping in. The cold
dark morning and nights were all blending into one long stormy drunken
stuper. Sleep is for the young or dead assassin.

Days were spent sitting in our own excrement of Caviar pots and Heston
Blumenthal takeaways, the kill looked futile.

Safe within the confines of his castle we had started to lose hope, the
wrecking ball in the building yard next to his apartment became a viable
option for a direct frontal assault... A trick we had learned in the Gulf of
Oman.

Through detailed intel we pinned down his movements for the night. Today the
rain was on our side. Alpha Squad was dispatched to his Laboratory (of Doom)
knowing full well that a break in the down pour would signal our targets
departure for his night entertainment.

Bravo Squad had been placed safely in various bars around watering hole of
our targets destination...

A single ray of sun light broke the rain as Alpha Squad moved into
position....

Suddenly the about to be drenched target was spotted leaving his castle
through a secret back entrance.

Having a plan for this eventuality we repositioned, Agent Bigfoot took
point, situating himself in front of our target's chosen route of death.
Agent ShedMan having spotted the target trailed him from a safe distance to
insure he did not double back.

Oblivious to us he felt safe taking his hand of his gun and slowing his
pace. As he approached, BigFoot drew his gun and took a deep breath.
Rounding the corner their eyes met BigFoot unleashed a well practiced WAR
cry. In a moment of panic the target reached for his weapon of choice but
all hope had gone as he felt a watery sensation across his chest.

A card was taken ending Operation Water Lane..TARGET..DOWN...
REPEAT...TARGET..DOWN

We retire now for the night to carry on the drinking, till we are next
called for.

Shed Squad signing out
<<>>

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London Bourne 2007

Suckers Delenda Est

August 22, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 02:47 AM

Total Kill Count: 55

Current Kill Leader: Fear Faktor Five (5)

Apparently some of you are better victims than you are killers but, the world is divided into the wet and the dry and both roles must be filled...and I must say you have (almost - and I'll get to that in a minute) all done a fine job in your respective roles during my abscence.

I have been in the deserts and Medinas of Morrocco hunting and catching midgits, small children and monkeys and organizing no holds barred death matches between them for my personal amusement - this is what I like to call a vacation.

Let me tell you though, catching midgits is a fucking bitch.

The little fuckers are fast and when angered can have the strength of 2 fullgrown Silverback Gorillas - this makes for quite the challenge (and quite the show, I might add) when fighting children. Should you ever have the opportunity to view such fine entertainment, it may interest you to know that you need at least 4 seven year olds, armed with pointy sticks to even stand a chance against a midgit.

Bet your money accordingly.

Midgit fights aside, you are probably wondering about the tournament you are currently involved in...well, I have news...

The assassins that have been lazy, ones that are not even worthy of the title "assassin", as they have not assed any sin nor even do they have an attempt under their belts are currently being "taken care of" - if you fall in this category you have been contacted and you know what's going down and how said going down is going down.

The rest of you continue hunting, if you happen to have the misfortune of hunting one of the aforementioned no skill having fools, you will be given a new target.

Now, here comes the fun part...

This is why my vacation has been cut short -

As of tomorrow, all you you still living and wetting have one more thing to worry about:

The League of Rogue Assassins

Indeed, the Shadow Government's personal cadre of assassins has literally been foaming at the mouth to be released upon you...and I have finally granted them that request.

As of about now, none of you are safe - team player, team leader, solo assassin, the League sees you all in the same light - as potential victims.

As I am kind, for the remainder of the week they have orders to concentrate their efforts on team members that are not the kill leader, though if you have pissed me or one of the Shadow Government members off, rest well knowing that they are also taking on personal grudge missions this week as well.

Good luck surviving suckers.

Supreme.

FFF (5) lives up to his name (and dusts all you fools in the getting killy department) by releasing all over Shadow (0)

That all happened so fast I can’t even remember my targets name…

5 minutes of Research.

25 minutes of Recon.

2 seconds of Release.

End of. Jog on.

FFF

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London Bourne 2007

Drinks for The Dead

August 22, 2007 - Posted by Eevil Midget at 02:35 AM

WHERE: The Lord Clyde, Clenham St, London, SE1 1ER
WHEN: Saturday 25th August, 20.00 onwards

"When the game is over, the king and the pawn go into the same box"

Or at least the same drinking hole...

Yes, some of you are dead, but it doesn't mean that StreetWars is over for you just yet.

Come to Drinks for the Dead on Saturday 25th August, and meet former competitors to commiserate with.

Drink, trade stories, tell your sad tales of defeat, and drink some more.
Active assets are welcome to attend, but at their peril.

See you dead assassins there.

+++++

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London Bourne 2007

Como te Llamas?

August 21, 2007 - Posted by Eevil Midget at 03:45 AM

Total Kill Count: 54 (1 suicide by The Dutch Paddy)
Current Kill Leaders: FFF (4); Deekoy, 4S4SLB, Guailo, Bozo (3)

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet."

Not quite. At least not for all circumstances.

As 'asset' can have certain aliases, but such identification by letters do not change the fact that they are cold blooded killers who prefer numbers and deliver results.

Alas, some of you fools have made the mistake of ambitiously calling yourselves certain titles without qualification. I hereby name and shame The Men with the Golden Guns who have committed the following errors.

1. Posturing

You have named yourselves after famous villains. Yet you were neither feared nor respected by your fellow assassins - both your hunter and your target found you unworthy of Francisco's reputation. Nothing like Scaramanga or Nick Nack, but rather, the comic semblance of Dick Dastardly and Muttley.

2. Cheap Tricks

I understand that Nick Nack is of diminutive stature, but you should not have interpreted this as reason to impersonate the real Eevil Midget.

Admittedly, "All warfare is based on deception" but the skill is in knowing how to handle such weapon, for it is a double edged sword. Fools - did you really think you could get away with it? Fair enough, nothing ventured, nothing gained, and you earned 0.5 points for the attempts which initially worked, but because you lacked the true virtu for my Machiavellian moniker, your plan failed.

I think you mistook my message about hunting for fishing. You do not use ineffective bait such as emails to lure your target. "For those regarded as warriors, when engaged in combat the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior's only concern." Let me emphasise - when engaged in combat, not playing stupid role play games that win shit acting awards at the Razzies.

3. Procrastination

What is even more incompetent about your tactics, is that despite having deviously acquired additional intel, you did not have the fortitude to utilise the opportunities presented to you.

Congratulations Agent Bozo (3) for the terminaton of rather pathetic las cucarachas from this tournament. Hasta la vista babies.

PS.
I have received several queries about the status of my eevil-ness. Some with doubt, some with curiosity. I'm not a pretend badass who wears plastic red horns. Pfft. I am the type who, whilst the pieces were in play for the demise of the golden guns, bakes an Irish Coffee Cake (in memoriam Team Delta Whiskey), thereafter attends the mandatory Bourne Ultimatum training, and after further government business, hangs out her laundry to dry.

Meanwhile, back in the badcave...

• Bozo (3) proved that The Men With Golden Guns shoot blanks (0)
• Fear Faktor Five (4) is still clocking it with K786 (1)
• Deekoy (3) easily tames The Wild Rover (0) straight after a shot of Team Delta Whiskey (0)
• H2OhNo! (1) screamed so at the hands of the Guailo (3)
• 4S4S Leather Belt (3) further whipped Cax (0)
• The Surgeon (1) bid adieu to his patient Babaloo (0)

Latest reports by noteworthy killers herewith...

Agent Bozo (3) proved that The Men With Golden Guns shoot blanks (0).

H

ey Shadow Goverment, 2nd kill report below, it is a bit long feel free to
cut bit's out or ask me to shorten it if this is a problem!

Agent Bozo with[ Specially Assigned Rogue Agent] takes out the Roach Brother aka Nick Nack and Scaramanga aka The Men with
the Golden Guns.

Hmmmm, Nick Nack and Scaramanga! these two were particularly elusive little
Roaches!
Getting into the Team Leader Nick Nacks apartment complex was hard enough,
one Entrance, several security guards, numerous cleaners and maintenance
workers, surveillance cameras everywhere and absolutely no cover.

However fortune was on my side, in the end if you don't play by the rules
expect to get wetted! On Sunday morning I was contacted by the Eevil Midget,
a supremely cunning, evil and highly trained operative from the Shadow
Government. The Eevil Midget informed me that she was going to hand the
Roach Brothers to me on a plate for some grievance that they had caused her
in the past. The intel I got was that the pair of them would be lurking near
a pub in Borough between 5 and 6. I was obviously suspicious that I was
being set up and approached the Pub in question with extreme caution, I am
pretty sure that if the Eevil M had wanted to I would be still be lying in a
pool of water near that pub. In the end there was no sign of the Roaches and
I had to be satisfied by watching the football and leaving the pub in one
piece after being in such close proximity to such a dangerous individual. To
be honest I never even saw the Eevil M leave.

Anyway, Monday and the Eevil M is back in contact informing me that I was
being assigned Agent Tota to aid me in the hunt for the Roaches. After
meeting at a neutral location with my hand on my gun ( I was still
suspicious of a double cross ) and deciding we'd take one brother each we
made our way over to Nick Nacks Island. I had already been to the complex
once and that time had to make a hasty departure as I think I may have been
detected and consider myself lucky to have escaped dry as I'm pretty sure
all the security guards were carrying supersoakers on them. In the end the
kills were a very tiring drawn out affair. It involved me gaining entrance
to the car park and lying in wait for about 3 and a half hours. The fact
that I somehow lost my lighter after 20mins and also desperately need to
piss after 30mins didn't help. Agent Tota was initially carrying out long
range surveillance with a set of binoculars from a crane nearby and was
making my life a hell of a lot easier by informing me which out of the rush
hour of individuals entered the building matched the targets description.
Then later gained valuable intel from the security guards about Nick Nacks
whereabouts as well as distracting the guards from their rounds.

In the end, I advised [Rogue Agent] to attempt a hit at the Scaramanga
residence in case the two brothers were there together. Also the sun was
going down and I was in a prime location whereby Nick Nack had no chance of
getting to his front door dry.

However, I was wrong! Somehow the slippery buggar got round me undetected! I
still feel somewhat shamed that he eluded me and at the time I was about to
resign myself to the fact that I might have missed my opportunity. Despite
this minor setback I decided that I should hang around on the off chance
that he might put some rubbish out or something. Then at a point when my
bladder is about to explode and I'm considering rubbing two sticks together
to create a lighter for a fag there is suddenly light at the end of the
tunnel! From my concealment I find to my amazement that Nick appears to be
getting ready for a night out. And so I readied myself! then out the
front door he came and out I came, he wasn't even armed, he tried to run,
but didn't get far and was dead! He then informed me that he'd lost his card
but his brother was outside with his one! I couldn't believe my luck, I know
I was supposed to leave the brother to Agent Tota, but knew that the Eevil
Midget would want both of them taken out as quickly as possible and that
Scaramanga was even more difficult to track down than Nick Nack. It was
simply a case of strolling out to Scaramangas car, weapon in hand, demanding
his card, informing him that I'd been sent by the Eevil Midget and that a
price had been put on his head. Without his team leader Scaramanga no longer
wanted to remain in the world of the living and I was to happy to make his
wish come true.

Basically, Don't try and impersonate the Eevil Midget! She doesn't like it!

FFF (4) is still clocking it with K786 (1)

Enlightenment.

It was whilst practising my Ashtanga yoga positions in the rain outside my targets house this morning that something dawned on me. Could the fact that I only require 2 hours sleep a week and 1 meal a month be an unfair advantage that I have over other Assassins?

I pondered this dilemma as I levitated 8ft above my targets door, waiting for his imminent departure.

After some raised eyebrows from the postman and a couple of commuters I decided to adopt the more conventional position know as Bush.

My target didn’t account for Bush, which was unfortunate for him.

Graciously, my victim rewarded me with another weapon to add to my arsenal. Top man.
FFF

Deekoy (3) easily tames The Wild Rover (0) straight after a shot of Team Delta Whiskey (0)

A new dawn, a new soaking as Deekoy strikes again.

I was told he was unassailable. I was told he was a ghost like apparition. I
was told he wasn't of this world. All of of these were proved wrong with a
swift stream in the kisser!

The Wild Rover, has clearly had a bad week. Frustrated by his own target,
stricken with food poisoning and now leaving his home unarmed. Again it
wouldn't have made any difference it was all over before he had a chance to
think let alone speak. The single shot to the face may seem a tad
unnecessary to some particularly given the the completely compromised
position of the target but it's clean and effective, no arguements. Truth be
told it's also a lot of fun. What is it about head shots that's so alluring?

The deceased took it all well, again nice guy and it does seem that he
possessed a certain amount of skill in (legitimate) misinformation with
regard to his previous assassins. But now alas he is gone and I am hungry,
sausage sandwich I think... er I mean "for blood".

Deekoy

Shadow Government,

Team Delta Whiskey have been Tangoed.

Although the option of picking my way through the team was enticing, a busy
last few days of counter espionage work as a sub contractor meant that
precious time had already been lost and efficiency became the order of the
day.

Once again the assassin's best friend "patience" came to the fore. DW team
leader on the way to work. Unfortunately for him (and his no doubt rather
unhappy colleague) he left his home unarmed having feared that he might
already be out of the game, could he be clairvoyant or did he just find out
who was after him and wisely decide that resistance was futile? Either way
it wouldn't have mattered as he didn't see it coming - double tap to the
back of the head.

Thoroughly nice chap I'm glad to say and so I look forward to dispatching
their target soon, apparently he's hard to track down. Funny, that's what my
previous victim said about him.

Deekoy

H2OhNo! (1) screamed so at the hands of the Guailo (3)

hello, this is JGuailo writing, as promised, the down fall of team H2 O NO.

The story is short and come in two parts.
Part one. a good start bread, cheese and meet, washed down with mango,
which I rather regretted as the strings lodged themselves between my
lest than perfectly formed teeth, grabbing a tooth pick I fingered it
would give me something to do wile on the stake out. a rather
unpleasant trip all the way across town long rather wet and a little
disorderly, A-Z socked by a dodge water bomb, 'blast' I say. upon
arrival at my targets house I was pleased by a number of things, first
one exist to building, then communal stair door way broken and thus
open, gated door that swung out, giving me plenty of time when they
exist. After taking up a position the floor above the team leaders
house I started the stake out ritual a rolly to pars the time. a
little later on the gate swung open, fag and water bomb in the left
hand pistol in the right a snuck a few looks to see what was a foot, a
builder took a few furtive look up and down the street then retreated
in to the house. Unusual I though, I was staking out a girl, did she
live with her father. The builder took along time coming, out, I move
my surveillance position closer to the stair when I court the full
face, it was the teammate. There was more to this duo. I move silently
down a few steps and waited for my pray to round the corner, the
rattle of bike and tool box, concealing his own weapon, and the
preoccupation of his own deadly thoughts brought him to me, un armed
and mentally unprepared. it is the single contraction of the face
which conveys so much,. in one instant, I could see the shock,
surprise, dismay and disappointment, the internal though of 'I'm
fucked'. I shot him in the face before my "good morning" he responded
with hushed "oh no" he presented me with his card, a scuttled back to
his bed. Durden is dead.

decided it was best to try another position having disclosed my
primary, I move to the building across the street, slipped in the
communal door with the paper boy. Then there was a long wait, plenty
of time to whittle thee mango out of my
teeth....
so long I began to give up. I had wonder what was going on with this team
did they in fact join at the hip of occasion. Had they swapped
addresses to mix things up? Why was he not going to work and where the
dickens was she? Tried cold and needing the loo I gave up. And when
out side, rounded the corner reluctant to give up and not entirely
shore what I should do with my water bombs I stole a couple of looks
round the corner hope to catch a glimpse of some thing, and then there
it was I tiny slip of light emanating from the bath room window, I
hurriedly resumed my position in the building opposite, and awaited my
pray. They appeared cautious, my new target dressed up to the 9s
blonde hair bike mask. They approached the corner where my first
victim fell with due caution, I am no fool I was not there. They work
them selves down stairs, two bike bags, and buckets of paranoia and
adrenalin. Stopping by the door readying themselves with there bikes.
Fearing that she was going to physically ride out her front door, I
broke cover, darting across the street. I can only assume the it is
the utterly frightening experience of having my face bearing down upon
you that sent them in to panic, I pulled open the door, as people
bikes and bags, fell in to disarray, I tossed a water bomb and then
another wanted to get ride of the ungainly weapons as quickly as
possible, I loosed my pistol to fire a couple of shot as she run back
up the stairs. in the panic she had left her gun. But it was two late,
some where in the mad ness she was hit and there fell Kelly Kapowski.

next please.
Guailo

Morning SG,

Just reporting in that the devious Agent Guailo (I think), managed to decimate team H2OhNo! this morning. Owing to myself having a trigger finger itchier than the crotch of a 2 dollar whore, or maybe I'd been jammin' on crusty white too much, I'd blasted our mark in a safe zone last week. As a result I then assembled the best damn builders attire in town in order to get into the targets building and pass unnoticed. However so pleased was I with this that at 6.55am when I left to carry out the execution I didn't see my assassin hiding on the stairs waiting for me to walk out of the door. Two blasts to the face and I, Agent Durden was a dead man. He'd been there for 30 minutes and had come from the other side of town, curse his commitment.
I went back into the flat where Agent Kapowski was asleep, woke her and planned her escape. Two and a half hours later we had to leave for work, she had her wig and other 'throwing the scent of the track accoutrements' on. I went first, scouted the building and the outside completely, no sign of him. We then just had to go for it. However he came charging at us from behind a door, panic ensued, we got trapped in a corridor and a water bomb took out Agent Kapowski. It's been emotional guys, and a real shame we're out despite our best efforts. We both do of course remain your humble servants should the need ever arise....

4Strength4Stam Leather Belt (3) successfully attacks Agent Kax (0)

Agent Cax was taken down outside a crowded bar late yesterday evening.

After giving us the slip earlier in the morning, the "Doctor of Disaster", Agent Cax was living on borrowed time. We don't allow anyone to get by us that easy. Not twice, anyway.

Following a tip-off that the target was in a safe zone, Agent Deluxor hastily assumed a disguise and dashed across town to the area. Using classic bait-and-switch tactics, the target was lured from the safe zone. Senses befuddled by exceptionally fine company and strong liquor, he never saw it coming, a quick clean double tap and it was game over, his assassin vanishing into the night as suddenly as he appeared.

PC O'Connell, who witnessed the event from a doughnut shop across the street, reports "This guy comes out the bar... the next thing I see he's screaming like a girl, lying in a puddle on the pavement".

The Surgeon (1) quietly en-graved his initials on Babaloo (0)

Dear Shadow Government,

How are you? Long time, no speak...
I do all my talking through the medium of ultraviolence. Just dropping you a line to confirm that I've iced my target. Babaloo put up a valiant struggle and gave me a tooth gnashing amount of grief with her random working hours, but my patience was rewarded with a satisfying chase through the streets of victoria, where she finally succumbed to my superior squirting. With her final words, she passed the baton with two water bombs - may the other agents take note of this honour in death. A worthy adversary. She handed me the file of her target, but not her own agent card. Do I go after this target? I've got a taste for it now. Send me another face to rearrange.

The Surgeon

Comments (0)

London Bourne 2007

The Art of War

August 19, 2007 - Posted by Eevil Midget at 03:01 PM

Total Kill Count: 44
Current Kill Leaders: FFF (3); Shed Squad, DFB, Count Wilhelm III, Pink Ladies, Null and 4S4S Leather Belt (2)

There is no need for me to preach to the converted...

However, there are assassins amongst you, and for these wannabes I use the term loosely, who are in serious need of education and severe spanking (although, our hands are far too precious for their disgusting derrieres, that trigger fingers would be better suited.)

"The art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on."

Two lessons can be surmised from this instruction.
1. Knowledge is Power
2. Just Do It

As assassin's job involves detective work. But some of you simply tickle us so, in the same way that Lieutenant Frank Drebin makes us laugh. There are professionals, and there are jesters. It's all elementary really. Though, some morons are so retarded in their understanding of initiative and know-how in acquiring intelligence that they should return to kindergarten sucking their dummies. More on this later.

An assassin is of course a hunter, and tracking skills determine their greatness. It would seem that some of you eggheads were trained by Elmer Fudd, and others have acted less like hunting dogs and more like irritating barking bitches. Quit yer pathetic whinging and get on with it! Indeed, the moaners stood out from the beginning, and as evidenced by the early dead, whiners are definitely separated from winners.

Herewith a warning:
This is what you get for fucking around with the Shadow Government.
Go home to your mothers and cry us a river. We might even use those tears to wet the next dumbass.

NB: All kills are to be sent to kissmyass@streetwars.net - do try to avoid spelling errors.

Eevil Midget

Fresher week is now over...

• Sly Jim (1) buried FlyWithSkye (0)
• Widdershins (1) blasted Baquaa (0) but
• 00Turk (1) dosed back some karma at Widdershins (1)
• Fear Factor Five (3) starts counting with Agent Doris (0) and Drool Monkey(1)
• Patch (0) was no match for Phant (1)
• But it's hats off to Shed Squad (2) in defeating Phant (1)
• Dog Faced Boy (2) added a plus with AlphaOne (0)
• BintRa (1) had Turkish Breakfast (0)
• 4Strength4Stam Leather Belt (2) trophied the heads of The Bear (0) and Hydro Slice the Ugly (0)
• Guailo (1) ended the days of Morrow (0)
• LDFLM (1) proved they do more than comment on blogs by dispatching loosewire (1) who still got Neuromancer (0)
• Count Wilhelm III (2) conquered Brinquedo (0)
• Omega Black (1) marks Tatooed Tota but fails to eliminate Killer Pirates (0)

Sly Jim (1) buried FlyWithSkye (0)

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Pleased to report a close killing last night. Blissfully unawear until the last moment, flyewithskye, a.k.a my housemate and dionysus for one night only, was shot down at the stroke of midnight with her own gun. Her glass of rose dropped to the floor while crowds gasped in horror as her final scene played out... Sordid details to follow... For now I must commence the fight, Agent XXX will fall... Over and out. Slim Jim a.k.a Leon for one night only.

Widdershins (1) blasted Baquaa (0)

So this is my first game and my first kill. After navigating thru a two sets of security gates i was able to to get into the compound where my target lives, i rang the door bell my target opened the door and i was able to get a clear shot at him. no question i definately got him!

00Turk (1) dosed back some karma at Widdershins (1)

Dear Supreme Commander: After 72 hours of pursuing my quite devious mark... i can gladly say she's soaked. though i give her 10 for effort in her poor attempt to outrun me hahahaha made my kill this morning after she left home for work, after looking at her eyes i could smell the fear in her. made a quick dash down the alley and me in hot pursuit shouting "i'm gonna get you don't bother running" she reached for her gun and a fierce gun battle erupted. running round corners and shooting back, but i was smart and let the poor panicky girl finish her ammo before i washed her away in the door way of her local cafe. hehe the owner of the cafe was none too pleased at his washed out window.. oops

Fear Factor Five (3) starts counting with Agent Doris (0) and Agent Drool Monkey (1)

Yesterday I was beginning to feel like an overweight ex-champion boxer who still thinks he has it in him…but blatantly doesn’t. The Wolfmother has to be given props (maybe not for his annoying emails but…) for his persistence in avoiding me. We’re talking city suits, dreadlocks, builders outfits and a willingness to leave a property via the rear garden wall. After 4 days of this, I, FearFaktorFive am ashamed to say that for a nano second, I actually doubted myself.

Then I pulled my shit together, chased him across Covent Garden and shot him in the back of the head in Holborn. Later Newbie…

Moving swiftly on., My next target –she of Metro paper fame and fortune- AT - proved far less of adversary. In fact, she squealed like a piglet this morning as she came face to face with my piece. I hesitated before I pulled the trigger. The torturer in me lingered…then I finished the job, still slightly turned on by her obvious show of fear. Witness the sickness…

The rusty wheels of FFF have been oiled.

Agent Drool Monkey has been retired from the game. A true gent, he was extinguished whilst hiding water balloons in the vicinity of his home.

During this particular mission it became very apparent that the hit reports are being scrutinised to provide any little scrap of info that may help players in avoiding a watery finish or even end my game.

Be my guest:

So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you win one and lose the next. If you do not know yourself or your enemy, you will always lose.


FFF



Patch (0) was no match for Phant (1)

Patch here.

Finally got my assignment on Thursday morning after having agreed to an AM
meet at London Bridge. Apparently the eevil agent in question had already
made me before i saw her (didn't bode too well for the future, but i had a
plan...). Anyway, pleasantries were exchanged and documents given. I was in
the game.

We said our goodbyes and parted company. And, gotta say sorry here, i turned
around, changed my look a little, and followed the opportunity. As i saw it,
info is power, and knowing an agent's location may prove useful later in the
game.

Busy, crowded tube station at rush hour (picture Bourne Supremacy's Waterloo
chase/evasion scene) but i kept my target in sight until we got on the
northern line tube. Thought i got made as i ended up standing next to a
pretty hot chick who just stood out like a sore thumb and the carriages
thinned out at the next stop. We got off at Moorgate, i'm thinkin Jason
Bourne's got a contender, then some mother*@!!* decides to drop a handbag or
phone or something going up the stairs. Anyway, backlog of people ensures i
can't get past or through cos of the volume of commuters, and... i lost the
agent. Damn. But i got me my plans...

I'm thinkin, "return tomorrow see if i can pick up the trail", i'm thinkin
"got my proper assignment, let's work out a strategy". Through the day i
have my plans running through my head. So, get to work Thurs night, and
after a long shift, COMPLETELY forgot about the danger out there to me.
Walking up along the road, talking to the new guy, who i didn't really wanna
talk to, and i hear my name called. I turn around and Bam. In the face from
four yards. Not much in the way of style, but i had to appreciate his huzpah
and directness. Bing bang. No fuss, though the folks on the bus prob thought
it was headline news time again. Thier faces were pretty screwed!

Apparently i'm his (think he was called Rick) first 'kill'. So fuckin easy,
don't i feel lame?!! He's got my card as his trophy and my assignment, whom
i had awesome plans for! Damn x 2!! Damn those plans!

Patch,
Over & Out

Dog Faced Boy (2) added a plus with AlphaOne (0)

Hey, Kill two confirmed.

I was gonna take it easy today. I woke up in the late morning, a little
achy, some nice bedhead. Some coffee and a bowl of rice set me up. One of
the pack had stayed over at mine, they're a loyal bunch, and before too long
we were mucking about, making a movie. Not porn, not this time, not again,
not after THAT. Your sick little minds may imagine what you will. But
DogFacedBoy was happy, enjoying a day off from the deranged cares of a lone
assassin. Then that little bitch decided to go mouth off about me on the
blog. I'd checked out his place the night before. It was a fortress, and
with nosey neighbours to boot. He was clearly all set up for the night,
instead of going out on the hunt, so I let him be.

But upon reading his aside I became suffused with a rage, a desire. I packed
up and headed straight out, leaving my pack open-mouthed. Maybe I'd get
there for when he finished work. Who knew if he was even in work that day,
I'd only got the target the day before. After a comedic approach to his
workplace - getting a bus in the opposite direction - I checked out his
office and waited right outside. He sent me a taunting text. He'd seen me on
his intercom at home, and knew who to spot. I wasn't worried about that. I
called him, and as I gave a few little pointers on the phone I noticed a guy
with his profile walk right out of the offices, about six metres away. I cut
off. He looked at his phone quizzically, and gave a little laugh. I almost
felt sorry for the guy. I headed down towards him, he looked, but he didn't
see. I broke into a run, pulling my weapon out. He turned, his face
contorted into that of a scared animal, aware that his moment had come. He
tried to run. It really was laughable. I pulled hard and squirted two loads
right over him, heart racing. Kill two. Here's a lesson for you all: Whoever
your assassin is, don't make them angry.

Alpha1, I am your Omega. Rest in peace, bitch.

BintRa (1) had Turkish for Breakfast (0)

Turkish Breakfast got squirted early this morning answering the door to get his post. after finding we could sneak into his building from previous recon missions, we enlisted the help of the local postal operatives who looked well chuffed at having something more interesting to do with their morning. good job i didn't manage a shot at him yesterday morn, as according to him, he shot me as i took my leave Thursday night after a long and drunken stakeout ended when we were rustled by someone else on his block who claimed he was also playing the game. obviously at this point, we decided the chances of two people in the same block playing and not knowing each other were so minuscule, that he must have tipped our guy off. when we saw him freak out at the sight of our encampment, i decided to knock on his door to make sure he didn't call the police or something feckless, but he stated quite clearly that he knew our game and asked who are target was. maybe he was making it up, but he certainly put the chain on the door and wasn't opening it for no one. but just to point out you cant go ranting on the blog you got a shot at us, when, actually, i'd have noticed being wet, half cut or otherwise. still, wish i'd stayed in bed friday morning though, thats for sure.

yours sleeplessly,
BintRa


4Strength4Stam Leather Belt (2) trophied the heads of The Bear (0) and Hydro Slice the Ugly (0)

Supreme Commander,

it is with great sadness and furious anger that I must report to you my death.

I was taken out buy the three man team headed by Alex Blue. A great assassin that I had encountered in Last years game.

After evading them all week they had me trapped in my lavish estate this morning and I knew my number was up. But i wouldn't go with out a fight sir!!!!

I managed to take two of them out with out them even drawing there weapons but I knew that I was under armed and my two small had guns where no match for the fire power that the third was packing and he took me down.

On another note, the Intel that I received on my first target was incorrect. after spending three nights outside the given address in my luxury motor home I failed to spot her. Even when knocking on the door of said address proved fruitless. I then had this confirmed buy Alex's team as they had her last year after I had her, but im sure that if any one can find her Alex's team can.

I gutted that I went out quicker than last year. But at least year I went out in style

The Bear, out.

This one was far too long coming, but it was worth it in the end...

Agent Bear Martin was gunned down in a blaze of glory by team 4Strength4Stam Leather Belt shortly after 0830 this morning.

Our initial plans had to be drastically rethought following the loss of our means of transport on the eve of the game. Initial surveillance of the target showed that springing the bear trap without a vehicle would prove very difficult - this was a wily veteran, experienced and cunning. Two days stalking (and drinking in the nearby pub) had shown that he was being picked up from his safe zone, and we had no means of tracking him. A change of tactic was clearly required to lure this bear out from his cave. Besides, the guy was pissing us off - we needed to make the kill.

Although it goes against the usual assassin tactics, we decided to abandon subtlety, arm ourselves to the teeth and wait him out. We arrived at the crack of dawn this morning and surrounded the property, tooled up with our heavy duty weapons. After a two hour wait, we saw movement within and prepared for showtime.

He obviously knew we were there - various flatmates walked past eyeballing the suspicious looking characters clutching luminous waterguns at the end of their drive, but we have balls of steel and were totally unperturbed. We knew that there was a risk of at least one of us being taken down, but the numbers were in our favour. A minicab pulled up outside the flat, announcing that we were seconds away from the confrontation. His only option would be to come out guns blazing.

Which he did - and he nearly had us, too. With the roar of an enraged grizzly, the target came running from a side exit of the house, an exit we were unaware of. Our comrade the good Doctor valiantly took a hit for the team, buying Agent Blue time to engage the target. Agent Deluxor delivered the final coup de grace, unloading both guns at once ensuring victory.

Outnumbered and outgunned, Agent Bear died brave and honorable, fighting to the last. His pelt will make a fine rug for our base.

Level 18?

Good afternoon my esteemed Commanders, (and of course the worlds most highly trained eevil kung-fu kick-ass midget).

This morning, acting alone Agent Blue (not to be confused with Agent Orange, or for that matter Mr Pink) of "4Strength4Stam Leather Belt?" sweet talked his way into wetting Agent Hydro Slice the Ugly. It should be noted that she is infinitely more beautiful than her agent name suggests, and is both a skilled ninja killer and a master of disguise.

Due to the elaborate, sneaky and downright charming tactics there will be no kill story*. Not at least until I'm sober, which hopefully won't be until next month some time.

Next target please.

Yours with whiskey,
Alex

*there's a video in the pipeline

Guailo (1) shows his victim that there's no to Morrow (0)

hello, I have killed. Still furious from a fantastically bundled job last night when my rather relaxed target slipped through my fingers, it was just a pot-shot I quick drive by when I noticed two figures heading for his door sensing the opportunity I leapt from the ram packed car spill some of its contents on to the street and snuck in behind my possible target, he took a wile to get the door open, I was nervous had not had a clear look the face yet and politeness had taken over, his accompanying girl, noticed me and recoiled with fear, I guess I could be a little threatening, not wishing to alarm passers by I shift my wait to the back, foot, but then has her initial fear turned out panic and she tried to work out how to convey the grate danger my present had brought, I realised this was it, but by this time it was to late the door was starting to close I loosed a few desperate squirts but it was all to no avail, there mocking hands waved through the frosted glass, " you'll have to do better then that" they scoffed. I jump around exclaim shit for a wile and departed. In the evening my assassin really missed out, I had to unload a car of possessions in to my house, charring boxes up the two flights of stairs to my front door and continually havening to exposé my self was like my nightmare, and my assassins wet dream, overly wary, I watered a couple that had set on a bench near by, better safe.

a sleep less night still raging form my foolishness of earlier the
fresh image of dry targets fists shaking from the windows as I
drown away, still hurting me. Up early I mad the brisk trip to my
targets house, only to find he live right opposite a large police
station, troubling, but not a disaster. 45 min's latter, a chap bound
out his house crosses the road, and set to a bike I moved in quickly
realising that as soon as it is unlocked, he will be on and away. He
stayed down, looks like trouble with the locks, but there was more a
bicycle pump, oil and brush. " Good morning" I said, a pleasant
greeting, if slightly self satisfied smile upon my face. The man stood
up, a look of utter disbelief spread across his face, so astonished
was he that, I started to question whether he was the one at all. I
fired a delicate line of water between his eyes. Not even the shock or
refreshing nature of this seem to rouse hi from his \ quit profound
dumbstruckness. he snapped too "well done". and as fare as I'm
concerned that is that.

LDFLM (1) don't just comment on blogs with loosewire (1)

Triumph and Success.

La Fraternité have terminated one "Chris Powell". The abysmal performance of our team leader previously meant that I wrested responsibility for this next attempt and my finely-honed assassin skills came to bear. Having conscripted an innocent civilian to ring his doorbell carrying an empty dog leash and enquiring if he had seen her lost dog I appeared from out of nowhere and delivered a dual headshot, a kill of amazing elegance and accuracy.

As such, this is to inform you that we have secured our first mandatory kill before our brief trip to the North - a couple of dour Albannachs have incurred the wrath La Fraternité De La Mort and need sorting out. In particular the owner of a substantial collection of fine Champagne, Scotch and red wines needs to be taught a lesson, and we're going to hit him where it hurts the most ...

I eagerly await our next instructions, perhaps if we receive them soon enough we may be reporting a second kill this evening.

Agent Gaijin out.

Count Wilhelm III (2) conquered Brinquedo (0)

Dearest Shadow Govt.

After a most embarrassing affair (not Richard Gere / Hamster embarrassing though) with an unexploded water balloon on my first attempt of target 2, I was thoroughly determined to wet him through. As I sipped a drink with a friend a text came through to me…

Him: I have a present for you… decent water balloons!
Me: Well, I have a present for you, a small concealable pistol, fancy a swap?”
Him: Sure, as long as there’s not going to be a hit on me, how about we meet in a pub? Say the lord Palmerton’s on the top of my road?
Me: Sure, when?
Him: I’m there now
(I nearly fell out of my chair! The dumb-ass had given me his exact location!)
Me: No good. How about tomorrow?

Making excuses and leaving my friend with assurances that I’d be back soon, I made my way to said pub. But what with large windows and situated on the corner and with him knowing what I look like (CURSE YOU GOD OF WATER BALLOONS!!!) I decided to wait at his house. I was let in once more by a friendly neighbour who was more than happy to let me soak a fellow resident (must play his music too loud too late… too bad). While I lay in wait on the landing above his door I felt suspicious… what if he was lying to me… what if he was watching me on a flat screen tellie at this very moment! Laughing and firing Crystal Champagne corks at the screen whilst being blown by a million dollar hooker!!! I had to make sure. So the texting Psy-ops began again…

Me: Shit just spotted my assassin outside my house… can’t get in… going into town to watch a friend do a gig, fancy coming?
Him: Sure, might as well while away the evening with a tipple, gonna go home and change first.

Trusting, so Trusting…. Feeling a little better I settled down, as much as one can on stone steps, and waited… and waited… and was he ever gonna show! Thoughts of flat screens began to play on me again. I kept busy by thoroughly checking the hall and landing for good jumping out places, I found a few and a back door, no prob, suckas still gotta go through his front door, then I went back to check the pub again but to no avail, where was he!! I called and when he answered there were no pub noises in the back ground, he’s home for sure. I went back and assumed a good position. He emerged very fast and was through my kill zone before I could get a decent shot, so I waited till he was out and tailed him; he was headed for a bus stop so I decided to hell with stealth, time for shock and awe. When he heard my pounding feet and saw my mighty hose he ran too, not to the bus-stop and safety however, but straight across the road! After almost getting slammed by a motorbike (I don’t know why both my targets seem to have preferred a grisly road kill end to their lives rather than face me… perhaps they are frightened by my hose, it is very big.) which luckily only clipped him, he ran in the other direction, this time though he was doomed, after a few disputed hits, I got close enough, and an undisputable soaking ensued. A good sport he was though, and a worthy quarry, late night drinking ensued and was topped with a trip to casualty to check out his motor-crossed ankle.

Two down.
Operative out…

Hey commander, this is how it went down from the tagets point of view

6pm i came back from my doughnut and drink stake out from my targets house due to no show i left.
6:30pm get a text from my assassin saying he has a weapon for me and where should we meet to do a drop off, as well as general ban-ta,
7:00pm come home from being in a pub to relax nerves
7:30pm get text saying skinhead is outside and can't get in to have a shower so would you like to go for drinks, i said sure where and when, should we leave guns home bound NO just in case skinhead is at urs when u get home,
9:00pm head out to bar walk out of door and down the street to bus stop,
corner of my eye i see someone running towards me,
i run out into the road miss the first on coming bike and hit the second peddle meets ankle but keep on running here i got you me saying no not yet pulling off a blind shot and missed keep on running past shops and get shot in chest.
out of the game and passed on my card. are you alright he says yeah I'm good just a lil hurt got ran over but i can manage. but can we go back to mine to clean the wound and sort it out i can give you the DL (down Low) on target.
9:20pm get to mine clean wound bandage it up and go out for drinks.
11:30/midnight, get a taxi home and call hospital to see what they recommend me doing they said take some pain killers and see what its like in the morning, i then got in taxi and headed to A&E anyway just to be sure and to stop all concerns of me having a fucked up foot, got seen quite early in examination room and then got given paracetamol and told to wait for doctor, 4:30am comes and no doctor shows so i told front desk that i would come in some time tomorrow and see what its like for x rays and so forth.

I'm good at the moment and everything should be fine, I'll see you at the Wrap party and thank you for letting me play it has been the best experiences the most fucked up experience I've had and am always up for playing it every year..

You guys rock,
all the best
Brinquedo

Omega Black (1) weakens Killer Pirates (0) by sending Tatooed Tota off the plank


She was a demanding target but perseverance is one of my many assets. She
should of finished work hours before she did. She was too busy tattooing a
girls entire back well into the night, while I waited calmly in dark, rain
and cold streets of Shoreditch. When it was time for her to leave she
checked then re-checked her tail, scoping for hunters. However I didn't blow
my stealth cover. When she was on the move I accelerated at speed to her
rear, pulled out my piece and unleashed bloody terror. Only then did she
perceive my presence and feel the fear. Then I fled the scene at high
speed...Onto the next objective.

Yours,
Omega Black

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London Bourne 2007

Leaders emerge

August 16, 2007 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 10:57 PM

Total Kill Count: 27
Current Kill Leader: Agent Null (2) and Agent GeorgiePie (2)

As I often instruct my students on Mount Song to have the honor and decency to always punch a man in the face and not in the nuts, or at least as Supreme would say, punch them in the dick, I also teach my students to not judge a bacon by its packaging or an assassin by her cover.

Agent Null walks in way late on Sunday night pick up, often a sign of not taking the tournament seriously, and Agent GeorgiePie, we suspected of being too cute for her own damn good, like a fluffy bunny she was.

But lo and behold, they emerge as the Kill Leaders from the rest of you sucka mc's (though just barely).

Nice work you two, but don't get none too relaxed. There are many below waiting to take your spots.

In today's update...

• Bozo (1) bopped booksie boo (0)
• Deekoy's (1) middle name is not Lady Danger (0)
• The dreaded Fear Factor Five (1) begins his title defense with The Wolfmothe (0)
• Agent Drool Monkey (1) took down Van der Westhuizen (0)
• Viper (1) out ran The Black Samurai (0)
• V (1) dampened Agent Le Frais (0)
• Agent Tickle (1) got a quiet laugh out of Silent Assassin (1)
• Double Hose Seven (1) hosed down Agent Fernando (0)
• Agent Bullet (1) waxes DJ Tooshay (0)
• Michael Point (1) did not spare The Dude (0)
• Rocha (1) liquidated H2007 (0)
• Shed Squad (1) shed some light on Torquema (0)
• Agent Null (2) betrayed FluffyDave (0)
• Agent Null (2) said a prayer for The Bishop (0)
• Dog Faced Boy (1) eliminated Special Agent Grim (0)
• Agent GeorgiePie (2) drenched Dr Drench (0)
• Agent GeorgiePie (2) defeated Spartan 1138 (0)

Read kill stories after the jump

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London Bourne 2007

The End Of The Monarch

August 15, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 04:45 PM

Kills Thus Far: 16
Current Kill Leader: Too Early To Tell

...and so the hunt for Monarch ends...

In his own words...

Where were all the agents tonight? Where did all the gusto escape to? You came out with such strength and vigor last night, and tonight only the truly brave came forward to fight with me. Between Piccadilly Circus Station and Covent Garden my team reported on a handful of suspicious-looking characters, but I walked right up to some of them and didn't see a twinkle of anything assassin-like in their eyes. Maybe it was my missing goatee that confused you....and I suppose that it could be that I'm even more handsome with a clean-shaven face and you were overwhelmed by how much like a 12-year old boy I look and what you wanted to do with me...and then I was gone, and you were left with those romantic thoughts blinding your skills. Many of you ran straight towards the privacy of a toilet for a rub or a tug. I understand. It happens all the time.

Covent Garden was a challenge for me. After yesterday's debacle my contact refused to come in person and said that he would send someone in his place, which meant that anyone in that place could be there to take me out or to conduct a transaction. I didn't know who might be a player and who might be a CIA courier there to make the drop.

First there was Agent Gaijin with the pre-teen reconnaissance posse who looked like bait for Gary Glitter. I stopped and smiled at them at one point and was surprised by the lewd hip gyrating that they did in response. What the fuck is wrong with children today, and why aren't they doing that on stage for money? I thought to offer them a job in one of my factories, but then I saw the agent talking on his phone, trying to pretend not to notice me. He crossed in front of me, and I emerged from behind a column and took him out.

Very quickly I noted that one of my security detail had been captured by Double Hose Seven, who gets props for his style. My agents and I operate with communication on a reserved government frequency, and by holding my agent hostage, Double Hose Seven was able to listen in on our operation. What he did not hear, however, was me sliding up next to him to spray him down. Good strategy - incomplete execution.

Agents, why didn't you take the Supreme Commander's warning to heart? He told you to fear my penis, and it's not just because of its size (though nothing like Mustache's or Supreme's in raw fucking power), but because it has been surgically modified to fire various types of ammunition when I need to. Other than the obvious fluids, I can also shoot water, HP sauce, mosquito repellent, suntan lotion and rounds of depleted uranium for armor piercing effectiveness. Tonight I chose to stick to water, because it's tough to explain to the missus why you have that other stuff on your belly when you get home, right? I'm thoughtful like that - always looking out.

Two agents picked me up a few minutes later, while I read London Lite and watched them watching me. I slipped into better view and then cut across the market and down an alleyway, ducking into a restroom. Had they only looked to their right when they ran by, they would have seen me reflected in the mirror. Had they come into the restroom, we could have had a lovely duel. Instead they went wandering off into the side streets, so I went to buy some cigarettes. On the way to the store I passed an agent who was so stunned by how fucking hot I am that he tripped and nearly crashed into the pavement. I let him walk by - he should see my ass, after all. It's hot too.

Returning from the store, he attempted to move in behind me from the other side of the street. I executed a Section 112.4 Cross-Street Sweep, which would have put me in step directly behind him. He opted to pretend like he was taking a piss on the wall and turned toward it, weapon visible in his right hand. While his back was to me, I whipped out the Penis Gun and stood just like he was, except that where he was pretend-pissing on the wall, I was _actually_ spraying water on his back.

I moved back up the alleyway and was shockingly snatched up by Sensai Masterchef, who held my left arm. I admit that I never heard him coming. While he went on about wanting something of mine, I told him that I only had one thing for him, and moved my hand down to my pants. Before he could say "Russian Bride," his belly was soaked, and I was telling him goodnight.

At this point the two agents that I had slipped away from in the bathroom came back into play. I moved toward the market and entered a tunnel. One of them popped around the corner and sprayed me in the face...no reward for him. I love the look on an agent's face when he realizes that his moment of greatness has just been lost and is dripping from the end of his weapon. After another loop through the Market, I was approached by Colonel Lugz.

The Colonel is a gentleman. He approached me with his hand off his weapon, recognizing that this was a business opportunity. We walked and negotiated, and I am, after all, a mercenary. I agreed to return the plans to him for delivery to the Shadow Government, but I also arranged for a courier to bring a copy of the plans to the Colonel for his own use. I will not tell you what he paid, but he made it worthwhile.

The Shadow Government has their precious plans. I have my payment. One of your own is now better armed than any of the rest of you, if he can find the material to build the weapon. Everyone wins, and most important, I am not dead. You will feel me again, when I move in behind you and take you down.

Live in fear.

Agents Neutralized: 4
Agents Disqualified For Exuberance: 1

Monarch

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London Bourne 2007

Once Every 3,000 Years...

August 15, 2007 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 03:44 PM

Kills Thus Far: 16
Current Kill Leader: Too Early To Tell

Sometimes the universe aligns in such a way as to metaphysically enter your anus in a way that is more than somewhat unpleasant.

Granted this usually only happens once every three thousand years but, when those 3,000 years come, rest assured the fucking is worthy of the history books.

I have enjoyed such a fucking this morning.

It was, honestly, not entirely unpleasant...and it was somewhat reassuring that it will likely be another 3,000 years until it happens again. Which is a good thing, as I don't think my soft, pink anus could withstand another round of this sort of fucking.

Despite the ass-rape, I'm still giving you a game update...that is how much I love you kids and how proud of you I am.

After a fairly slow first day, you have truly gone above and beyond, not just in frequency of kills but, also quality.

This is exactly why I love London assassins more than all the others - you demonstrate some intelligence and class into your kills.

Despite