Leaders emerge

Your daily kill stories

Bozo (1) bopped booksie boo (0)

I have sucessfully achieved objective 1, my first kills. I am unsure whether I should report all the details but suffice to say, it was thoroughly amusing and a more fun than I could have possibly imagined!

After spending the night at a prince concert in the millenium dome and avoiding a siege of dangerous looking individuals! I decided after an evening without any sleep to attempt an early morning kill mission. After drinking a lot of rum, rose and cider and other things I miraculously sneeked through miss Booksie Boos secuirty gates and took up a position in a very uncompfortable bush next to her front door at about 7.30am. After an hour of sitting in wait which included 3 to 4 window cleaners walking within feet of me completely unaware of my presence ( amazing considering i was having trouble focussing on my gun) I began to think that she wasn't home! Just at that very moment a window cleaner spotted my gun in the bush and thinking it was some kind of strange childrens toy ( the fool ) he tried to pick it up. I obviously wasn't willing to let my cannon fall into a potential hostiles hands and didn't let go. I gave him the fright of his life. I was sure my cover was blown, I pleaded with him to stay cool and not alert my target of my presence and considering the firight i gave him he didn't do a bad job either! However, I decided to relocate to the opposite side of the square. By complete chance, a second after exiting my bush, my target walked straight out her front door, I covered my gun up not knowing if it was her, andf then spotted that she was wearing the same earing that she was wearing in her dossier photo ( what a wolly ) I wipped out my Gun and dispite her pleas of "Oh Nooo! I gunned her down as she tried to wip out her pathetic excuse for a pistol.

I am unsure what I should do now as far as my next target is concerned or handing over my previous targets card, please let me know el capitan!

I thoroughly apologise for my bad spelling and grammar, but I am still yet to sleep ( what am i like on a tuesday night ). Be warned felow assassins, when I am fully rested I will again be out again

Yours Faithfully

Agent Bozo

Agent Drool Monkey (1) took down Van der Westhuizen (0)

Agent Drool Monkee reporting confirmation of target assassination.

A faultless two stage plan was put into effect as soon as I received notification of my target. A recon mission to their location of work using one of many disguises to blend in with the dregs and squalor of the area identified the target to be attempting a poor attempt at their own disguise – sun glasses... in this country? Please!!! However the locale was heavily populated, too many witnesses, therefore the target was allowed to board the public transport system, but by then it was already too late. I knew their movements and the next stage would be a walk in the forest.

Forward two days, 08:00am. Once again disguised to suit, shall we say a slightly more affable area, I identified the subject on route to work, walking as if in a daze, totally unaware to the fact they were being targeted. They receive three to the chest. Quick. Clean. Noble. Deadly.

Please find attached the targets ID as proof of mission success. I await my next assignment.

Yours

Agent Drool Monkee

Viper (1) out ran The Black Samurai (0)

My kill today cannot be described in mere words. If my kill today was a painting it would shame van goth and picasso. After two failed attempts morale was low.

A faulty weapon letting me down on such an easy kill and giving away my identity and my second attempt to be rejected as a conflict of opinions. I was mad, i was a man on a mission. No more messing around this was personal now. Armed to the teeth with water bombs and two water pistols no part of my target would be left dry. I needed a 100 percent kill. 1600 hours i scoped my target. Sitting at his desk typing away, he had changed his work hours to try catching me out.

I walked through all his escape routes which led to a single bus stop that my target used to get to his mark. Watching and waiting for my target to leave work my heart began to beat harder and faster, adrenaline rushing down my veins. A white van blocked my observation point. I had to relocate all of a sudden my target appeared.

The black samurai.

My grip tightened on my weapons with water bombs in my pockets. My target had disappeared, how was this possible? I realised he had jumped into the van.

All my waiting and planning was going down the drain like the summer we have had in london. The van was in a dead end road they had to reverse. Thinking on my feet i ran behind the van as it reversed. I smack my hand on the back of the van and hear the female driver shouting "i hit something". I needed to rat out my mark. I could hear him shouting "shut the windows its him". I was stuck, with all my wits i had been defeated. My mark had out smarted me and i had failed. I walked away turning to see my mark tautening me that i would never get him.

There was one chance. I knew the route that my mark had been taking to get to his target. I ran to the bus stop only to see them driving on the same road as the bus. He was going to his target but getting a lift. I threw a water bomb at the vehicle exploding over the windscreen. Watching my target laugh as they drove away. There van began gaining speed and shot off down the road. I had just missed the bus and was forced to run two bus stops. Dripping in sweat my t-shirt soaked. It was over, i had lost my target he was gone the van had disappeared into the distance.

I sat on the bus it would take me near my hq. Looking about i was hoping i could just see my mark. Then all of a sudden on the corner of my eye i saw him. My target had got a lift to another bus stop and was boarding the exact bus i was on. I hid my face as he ran upstairs. This was fate, my target was meant to be killed by me. I waited from him to exit the bus he was obviously after his target. At the last moment he ran off the bus, i jumped up jamming the emergency button open. My heart was pumping so hard im sure you could hear it. I was taking no chance, I gripped my water bomb i was going for a head it. As he walked down the road and cleared all safe zones i approached him and slammed the water bomb into his neck. LEON eat your heart out. HE WAS DEAD Mission COMPLETE

The taste of victory so sweet.

The Black Samurai shares the tale of his death:

The guy who you sent after me finally had a massive stroke of luck tonight and happened to be on the same bus as me.

After I evaded him for the fourth time on the trot by having an friend drive by and pick me up he ran after the vehicle.

He then ran to the bust stop which was my usual haven beating the van and sending a water balloon onto the windscreen in a defiant gesture of fucked offness

Oh how I laughed thinking no more sprinting away from the road runner killer.

I went a few stops up the road and decided to jump out and catch the bus direct to my marks house.

I think I saw my mark at the back of the bus and was preoccupied with confirming this when he jumped off the bus a stop early.

I got off at his normal stop and proceeded down his road to intercept him when I heard the footsteps and felt the splosh.

Yes my assassin had managed to sprint ahead of the bus and get on-board. Then I thinking I was totally safe got on a few stops after.

This guy stalked me every day day and night for 4 days and deserves the kill. The fact he was outrunning vehicles has to be mentioned.

He came properly armed too.

See you at the wrap party

V (1) dampened Agent Le Frais (0)

Okay, short headline is I got my target, Agent Le Frais at about 7.15 this evening. But what you REALLY want to know is HOW.

After camping outside his house from 4.00am on Monday morning, avoiding scum of the earth in one of London's worst areas, I felt he OWED me his life because I left before getting him. So today I took it.

He had some good skillz, almost doing a number on me with his bus antics. However I used some Police surveillance tactics as taught by a Met mate of mine to follow him, sweating like a chump, from Oxford Circus to near Newington Green. He hopped off and BOOM, blood on the pavement! No chance.

Took him for a pint after, cause he was a kill virgin, but there's plenty more whoop-ass where that came from.

Double Hose Seven (1) hosed down Agent Fernando (0)

I must have rubbed off the greatness from that few seconds holding up a Monarch's assistance ;) last night at Covent Garden, I have finally cracked the witty Agent Fernando.

Day 0

Scouting time - Left my door 5 minutes before midnight of first day killing to scout my target's home and surrounding. He lived on the edge of a cross road and there is a pub with outdoor benches on the same side as his flat, perfect for long hours surveillance. As I got closer to the front door I noticed there is not a single obvious choke point and the street was well lid. He would also have the benefit of 4 routes to the nearest tube and bus stop. It was time to go home to dream up the kill, a neighbor opposite smiled as I noted down the estate agent phone number, who are letting the what I thought was the exact flat of my target address. I came home and continued my research online, I found out his real name, office phone number and the passions to serve his university

Day 1

Estate agent lady announce the flat was gone but leak it was for the basement flat and just taken by 2 professionals, no viewing possible, I thought just as well, her voice is suggesting that she is overweight and drink out of a pint glass ANYWAY, skip. Fast forward to 5pm I was with a friend with a distinct hair style, I showed her my soon-to-be victim profile and was glad she wasn't attracted by him, just like she the way she turned me down after I spent half my year salaries to buy her drinks. Even playing field there. My target works at an establish university union in Central London, we waited on the two visible exits of his office until about 6pm, but the wind was getting better of my lady friend, so I suggested to hang out at the pub I scouted out the day before. Oh fuck off you London prices, spent nearly 20 quids on 4 drinks, a bowl of soggy chips and fried prawn, but the lovely barmaid with a sexy loose pink shirt sorted me out some gaffer tape. We noted that in 2 housemates have gone inside the top flat, my killing instinct tells me it would be a good idea that if we tape up the key hole with the gaffer, hoping Agent Fernando will be next to return, moment later, the forth housemate came home and was puzzle with the new addition to his front door. So this lady friend of mine was neither drunk or warm having been outside for too long, so there is no option but to let her go back to her happy place.

I sat on the bench just like some fucked out old alcoholic, sipping my Corona until closing time and the pink shirt bar lady began sweeping the floor, the way she was sweeping proved two theories - 1 She has gorgeously round boobs. 2. I enjoy the browsing while not afraid being caught. I moved my base to a parked vehicle on the curb directly opposite my victim's flat, Agent Fernando was no where to be seen, all I captured was a black cab driver giving all he has got to a call girl looking blonde inside his cab, and some shaved headed Asian filling their badly modified Ford Escort with run of the mill hash smoke. I gave up at 1:30am as the thought of those barmaid's boobs are calling me back to my 2kgs Vaseline super jar I paid 30p and used tissues at a car boot sale.

Day 2

I teamed up with an ex-assassin and got some more tools and weapons. I went inside to scout my target's workplace as I begin to notice its hugeness (I know which comparison you think I will draw here), got to his floor and straight away I got my first sight of my target! I marked down the details of his shirt of choice (England National Rugby Team), but missed out of the flavour of crisps that he was munching. Water splashing crisps package plan was forever abandoned. Back outside we waited for 30 mins or so, my helper called and as he spotted a guy with the exact description was walking out from the office block, I sprint with enough enthusiasm to work in a watermelon farm in Egypt, finally caught up with Agent Fernando and I took out my mini gun and shouted his real name, before laying the tiniest squirt on his face. Well, it could be that I have been out of action for 1 year that I ignore the golden rule on office killing, he was still on his block, although being about 60 meters away. The kill didn't count. I exposed my face. He returned half an hour later for a lengthy discussion of the rule, took me all the exit points (6 in total) of his university, and mentioned THE ADDRESS OF HIS TARGET!

Day 3

Went to bed at 2AM after the exhausting fail attempt to capture Monarch's plan, I decided to give myself 4 hours zombie sleep before arriving at my target's home at 6:45. I waited for 3 hours to realise he was already gone at 6AM. Went home for second round of sleep, and at 3:30pm I returned to his university complex.. There are 2 direct exits of the building he works in which can be covered by one person simultaneously , but the back exit is connected with the rest of the campus which would have given him another hundred combinations of routes. I gambled that he will use the back exit as I claimed to have 3 others in my gang. I must point out the university security was minimal, I only came across two guards throughout my sweep for all the possible hiding places in the campus, during the trip I got a map from the library, made myself some tea at the physics lab, sat down and drew on my map in several meeting rooms, while all at the same time looking for a good view to begin following Agent Fernando out of the building I settled for a good position (Inside a meeting room just off the back exit with black out window) and gave him a call at 6:10pm, he claimed he was already out of the office, I then called him with my other mobile and heard the phone ringing in the background. Busted. I knew it was the time that he would make a move out of the building, I decided to leave my position and sprint to his office, after circling the building a few times and I was sure he had already escaped. I decided the final move would be to check out the address the target that he blurred out. It turned out to be genuine when our eyes caught each other by surprise, he turned and ran into a corner shop and I took out my new gun and splash him goodbye.

I must pay my respect to Agent Fernando as he was very slippy and was able to maintain a 98% truth free conversation, I was lucky to have killed him in this circumstance, but I did make my own luck. I also feel sorry that Shadow Government will do without such worthy agent, I would highly recommend him for further recruit in the future.

Please forward my new assignment.

Double Hose Seven.

Agent Bullet (1) waxes DJ Tooshay (0)

At 1630, after checking out my target's work place I decided that this kill was going to be a challenge.  Many potential exits from work combined with lots of equally balding men made his office near impossible - so after a few hours watching with no sightings at all I headed to his hood.

At 2030 hours my target appeared around the corner in a hurried attempt to return to his flat, only to be intercepted.  In a drastic fleeing attempt he got on a bus to get away, i followed.  2100 - The sneaky agent exited from the front doors of the bus in one swift but fatal movement.  I shot direct on the back of his neck.

Bring me another bitch.
Agent Bullet.

Michael Point (1) did not spare The Dude (0)

Oh Great Sleazy One,

I write to announce with all due pomp, ceremony and seediness the terminal saturation I have righteously inflicted upon my first target: Mr The Dude.

I shan’t bore you with too many irrelevant details in chronicling this hydro-execution – there’s too little time in the world, and too many sexy broads requiring irrigation of a whole different kind – but a few choice snippets of cosmic cunningosity are surely proper.

My mark’s home street proved to be barer than a Brazilian’s brazilian: no parked cars, few places of concealment, plenty of twitching curtains and nosy neighbours. His workplace, too, presented significant problems: bottled-up in a quiet sidestreet and overrun with CCTV cameras, barrier-protected carparks and – almost certainly – nuclear-powered fusion blasters. Given the awkwardness of a protracted stakeout at either location I was therefore obliged to seek information of the most mundane fashion (How did he travel to work? When did he arrive home? etc) in a more tricksy fashion.

Step 1: calling his workplace on a flimsy pretext – classified, naturally, for the sake of its future deployment – to determine his work hours.

Step 2: calling the carpool managers at his office-building on an even flimsier pretext – a TV documentary involving the secret filming of an Everyday Guy (I’m giving this one away because, really, there’s no way there are TWO people out there gullible enough to fall for it) – which furnished me with a description of his car.

Step 3: emailing the target on the pretence of being an assassin sent after him who’d been killed already. Claiming I was annoyed at the rampant smugosity of my killer, I helpfully furnished the mark with a completely inaccurate description of his Next Stalker hoping to throw him off my scent.

With these and one or two other strategies deployed, I felt myself more than prepared to stake-out his property for the kill: safe in the knowledge that I’d know when he’d be there, what he’d be driving, how he’d park his car, and that he’d be Expecting Someone Taller, metaphorically speaking.

Three hours of shoulder-aching boredom later, the canny bugger showed-up – way later than anticipated – and having utterly failed to believe my email lies, spotted me using the simple expedient of Approaching His House From The Other Direction. Mea culpa.

There followed much dashing about, pretending-to-drive-away-defeated exits, parking-further-up-the-street-and-sneaking-up-behind-a-bush moments of optimism, and fatalistic being-spotted-again calamities. It really is a very bare street. The chaos was resolved only when the mark finally decamped from his car and decided to stand in his side-door taunting me, safe in the knowledge that it would take me longer to run the length of his drive than it would him to slam the door.

Fortunately I’d already hopped over the wall further round the corner and was slightly speedier than he’d imagined. A moistening of his shirt was the inevitable result, and despite being technically dead he proved to be a top bloke and a good sport, who declared his minor dampness and surrendered his I.D. card.

The moral of the story: Three days of highbrow preparation and detail-gathering is all very well, but there ain’t nothing to beat a good old fashioned chase-up-and-down.

And so, Oh Yankee Lord, I submit this report for the pleasure of the Shadow Government, and cringingly request details of my next Hydrated Hit.

Shed Squad (1) shed some light on Torquema (0)

yes... unfortunately for Torquema he bit the nozzle today leaving work at 5.30... tried to play it cool and stick to the safe zone block around his work but didn't spot the deadly assassins waiting for him. Agent Bigfoot took him down before he could even get a copy of the London Lite in his hand after venturing towards Oxford Circus tube station.

anyway looking at his strange blue photo on his card he is out of the game!

Agent Null (2) betrayed FluffyDave (0)

Well, I hope you're happy, I just assassinated one of my closest friends.

For various reasons involving his e-mail breaking he missed the initialpickup so had been granted immunity until he'd received his own mark'sdetails.

This morning I received confirmation that he was a live target and setabout planning his demise. I chose a random person more than fivefriends removed from me on Facebook and in an IM conversation thismorning I told Dave that the Facebook guy was my mark, it seemed to workand I gained his confidence that I wasn't out to get him.

Eventually an invitation to dinner tonight was extended and,surprisingly he accepted.

After buzzing him into the building I ran around the to stairwell. Iwanted his last memory to be of his own assassination order which, Ipinned to the wall opposite the lift before taking up a vantage point onthe stairs.

Mere seconds before the lift doors opened, a neighbour walked into thestairwell and stopped in his tracks, I signalled to him to stay where hewas and the doors of the lift opened.

Nothing happened

The doors closed again, I quietly asked the neighbour if he'd seenanyone in the lift. "Yeah, he's gone down a floor".

I ran down the stairs just in time to see him dart out of lift, shotswere exchanged, my first being a glancing blow to the shoulder. Hishasty retaliation fell short and hit the stairs just inches away from myhead. For good measure my final shot connected BAM! right in the kisser.

I wasn't even sorry.

Agent Null (2) said a prayer for The Bishop (0)

I'm delighted to inform you of The Bishop's soggy demise.

The thing about inviting my previous victim over for dinner and deathwas that I found myself left with a body.

Some may see this as a hindrance, especially when disposing of the bodyrequires a trek to the communal bins which are located in the darkdangerous depths of the car-park (which, as I'm sure you're aware, is anunsafe zone during the day for us home-workers).

So having introduced Agent FluffyDave to the business end of my supersoaker I decided to dress his soggy corpse as a courier (actually, wespent most of the morning making him look the part) as a cunning decoyfor my new quarry.

After what should have been a fairly short journey which actually tookforever we arrived at our mark's home and did two quick passes on foot.

At first glance it appeared that nobody was home.

A difficult house to attack, not a fortress but lots of good vantagepoints for the occupants to see all manner of comings and goings outside.

...and of course, myself and the late FluffyDave weren't exactlyblending in.

Eventually we formulated a plan involving the phrase "Sign here pleasemate", some bushes and me leaping out to introduce some watery watery death.

We hid our bags in some bushes further down the road, Dave donned hisimitation courier garb and took his position at the front door while Ihid behind some bushes and a selection of wheelie bins.

Except I couldn't hear what was happening at the front door.

As a result of my aurally challenged position combined with adrenalineand seeing the mark go for his gun I leapt out my hiding place a touchtoo early and was met with a still-closed door. Luckily our mark lookedpanicked and had neglected to block his letterbox. A couple of swiftshots through it and he was down.

Hopefully using a corpse as a decoy is acceptable, I certainly couldn'tfind anything in the rulebook forbidding it.

Dog Faced Boy (1) eliminated Special Agent Grim (0)

Special Agent Grim is dead.

DogFace

dBoy is so fucking excited he's frantically wagging his tale whilst typing. I approched the target's plush tower block in the driving rain and headed in. Having made acquantances with the concierge previously I was waved up to his floor. His door. No answer. Couldn't hear a thing. I headed back out, waited somewhere dark and smoked through thirty minutes. There's a lot of waiting in this game. Good job I smoke so much. The kill was easy. I made my way back inside and waited in the foyer, telling the concierge that my 'friend' would be back soon. I had a good view of the car park and made ready for two shots in the chest from the Wet Nurse. And believe me, she knows how to dole out some TLC.

The gentleman in question seemed almost relieved once I'd blasted, and readily handed over his ID. DFB gets spend the rest of the night with his pack, a night off, a morning in. See you soon.

Agent GeorgiePie (2) drenched Dr Drench (0)

I killed Dr Drench when he was on his way to work! I waited outside his
house , saw him looking around but wasn't 100% it was him so I followed
him...he got away for a while but I was on a bike and he was on foot so I
caught up and that was that!

Agent GeorgiePie (2) defeated Spartan 1138 (0)

I killed Spartan 1138 today! Was a might fine chase, lots of running involved on my part! I had help from my team mate Agent Nikita! We got one of his work mates to bring him outside the office and not tell him why, how silly is he! He got away from Agent Nikita but I chased his tail round the block until he couldn't run anymore...outrun by a girl! And luckily I had enough water left to sqirt him.

GeorgiePie,
with wobbling legs after the kill!