Phrenology

The Canary Killer (2) aquatically mundanifies Agent Razzledazzle

After a brief hibernation the canary tweets again. This kill was a simpler affair than the last one... Why?

Well, there are many things you can do to hide from your assassin: you can get your hair cut short after sending in a long-haired picture, you can provide only one of your two work addresses... And many more. Agent razzledazzle tried these tricks.

But it counts for nothing if your assassin has a friend who works a few desks away from you and is happy to call to report you are on your way down in the elevator wearing a tracksuit top that says BRAZIL on the back in bright yellow letters.

(I mean really... Why not just have it say 'soak me' and leave it at that?)

Three hours waiting in a phone booth. Ten seconds running along the pavement. One little squirt.

Happy to report agent razzledazzle proved to be a thoroughly decent chap, even passing on his unspent waterballoon to me. What is it with the canary killer's victims and the generous bequeathing of watery weapons? If whoever kills me thinks they're getting my supersoaker, they can think again!

That's my second kill, see you in week three!

The Surgeon killed another patient...bye, bye Babaloo

Dear Shadow Government,

How are you? Long time, no speak. I've got to say, you're rather on the mute end of the chatty spectrum. Never mind. I do all my talking through the medium of ultraviolence. Just dropping you a line to confirm that I've iced my target. She put up a valiant struggle and gave me a tooth gnashing amount of grief with her random working hours, but my patience was rewarded with a satisfying chase through the streets of victoria, where she finally succumbed to my superior squirting. With her final words, she passed the baton with two water bombs - may the other agents take note of this honour in death. A worthy adversary. I've got a taste for it now. Send me another face to rearrange.

The Surgeon

Castro may still live but, Agent Bozo kills Havana 1

Agent Bozo takes out Havana 1

I am a Bozo, there's no point denying it, I will make mistakes and perhaps sooner or later I may be punished by a more skilled nemesis. After a harrowing journey from work that involved loosing at least two tails. I get to the targets flat and tuck myself away unnoticed hoping to catch him on route back from work, I noticed he has no kills on the blog and assume he will prove far less challenging than my previous 3 hits. But in the end, he had no honor, after tailing him from his flat across town on the underground and shooting him just outside Tottenham Court Road he claimed he was not my man, I had unfortunately lost the photos that I was carrying in the metro during the pursuit so could not use them to confirm his claim. Also, I assumed foolishly that he would be an honorable assassin, how wrong I was. Due to my earlier dice with death, I was not my usual self and made the error of letting him go without further questioning. However, I assured myself that he was a weakling and it would only be a matter of time before vengeance was mine. In the end he got it again 2 mornings later exiting his flat, he had shaved his beard off in a pitiful attempt at a disguise! I think he may have even given me a false streetwars id card, however the Shadow Goverment know that I am an honorable assassin due to my contract killings of the deceptive Roach Brothers and would never stoop so low as he may have. Be warned dishonorable assassins, your evil ploys will no longer work on me!

Generalissimo gives the GI Warriors an enema

My targets had defied me too long…Both Agent Black and Agent Sweetcheeks had skulked in their hospital, using the multiple exits and NATO like security to their advantage. They had escaped me time and time again..... My beard bristled with rage at the very thought. It was time for a change of plan…… Time to try and smoke Agent Black outside his own house…..

I arrived outside his house at 6:50 this morning, determined to catch him leaving for work. I parked up and waited across the road, the sounds of Virgin Radio and my own pumping adrenalin keeping me focused and awake. Tragically I had no food with me so I risked slipping into a coma at any time, but luckily fortune smiled upon me and allowed me to retain consciousness. I was parked side on and partially concealed by a wall which allowed a quick pursuit on foot or by car, depending on what the situation required.

At approximately 7:30, 2 van loads of police turn up - i thought I had been reported by the neighbourhood watch but fortunately the boys in blue were there on other business at another nearby address. Presumabley, it needed a full two van loads of them to issue a single warrant, play hopscotch, eat loads of donuts etc etc...so I relaxed. I wasn't planning to 'off' a load of coppers so I let them go un-molested.

At approximately 7:45, a male left the block of flats I was watching. It looked a little like my target but he didnt seem particularly furtive in his actions or demanour. I couldnt be sure it was him at this point so I gunned the engine and then drove past him, casually glancing in my rear view mirror before reaching a roundabout and driving back past him. This last drive past pushed my luck though as he spotted me and suddenly twigged that I might be his assassin.

As I glanced in my rear view mirror, I saw him break into a sprint - thus confirming his identity to me! I spun the car around and accelerated, quickly making up any lost ground. By this point, he was now running along main road trying to reach the safety of his bus stop (a safe zone) but he couldn't out run my car, and fortunately at the point I overtook him, there was a handy gap so I screeched to a halt, exited the car, and sprinted after him.

Seeing me overtake him, he had turned around and started running back the previous way, I pursued, and showing a burst of speed that belied my age, I managed to accelerate and gain on him, crumbs from past banquets spraying off me. Trying to shake me off, he turned the corner into an alleyway but unfortunately for him it was a dead end, and as I clattered to a halt facing him, he already had his hands raised and a resigned expression on his face.

A quick clinical burst and it was all over and he graciously handed over his card and wished me the best. A nice guy who took his assasination well! He also informed me that he was team leader which means I have also eliminated his team mate Agent Sweetcheecks. I also shortly received a text from Agent Sweetcheeks congratulating me so hats off to them both for being so sporting.

He also informed me that he was team leader which means I have also eliminated his team mate Agent Sweetcheecks.

I await my next target sir.....

Generalissimo

Loser Muffin Pussy Minjas prove they are not all snary name and kill Agent Double Hose Seven

the loser muffin pussy minjas washed their hands of double hose seven, he was terribly shaken but not stirred.

toodle pip my lovelies. awaiting target numero trois asap.

Agent Rocha puts and end to Omega Black

Agent Rocha reporting in the kill of Omega Black approx 21:20 Wooooday!!!!

Awaiting instruction.

Yours chuffedly Agent Rocha

SHED SQUAD erase agent Null

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....Target down...

....Stand down all activity's of operation Water Lane...

....Repeat NULL is down...

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..................................................................................................

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...Debriefing...

Cracks were starting to appear in Shed Squad, water was seeping in. The cold
dark morning and nights were all blending into one long stormy drunken
stuper. Sleep is for the young or dead assassin.

Days were spent sitting in our own excrement of Caviar pots and Heston
Blumenthal takeaways, the kill looked futile.

Safe within the confines of his castle we had started to lose hope, the
wrecking ball in the building yard next to his apartment became a viable
option for a direct frontal assault... A trick we had learned in the Gulf of
Oman.

Through detailed intel we pinned down his movements for the night. Today the
rain was on our side. Alpha Squad was dispatched to his Laboratory (of Doom)
knowing full well that a break in the down pour would signal our targets
departure for his night entertainment.

Bravo Squad had been placed safely in various bars around watering hole of
our targets destination...

A single ray of sun light broke the rain as Alpha Squad moved into
position....

Suddenly the about to be drenched target was spotted leaving his castle
through a secret back entrance.

Having a plan for this eventuality we repositioned, Agent Bigfoot took
point, situating himself in front of our target's chosen route of death.
Agent ShedMan having spotted the target trailed him from a safe distance to
insure he did not double back.

Oblivious to us he felt safe taking his hand of his gun and slowing his
pace. As he approached, BigFoot drew his gun and took a deep breath.
Rounding the corner their eyes met BigFoot unleashed a well practiced WAR
cry. In a moment of panic the target reached for his weapon of choice but
all hope had gone as he felt a watery sensation across his chest.

A card was taken ending Operation Water Lane..TARGET..DOWN...
REPEAT...TARGET..DOWN

We retire now for the night to carry on the drinking, till we are next
called for.

Shed Squad signing out
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