Londinium Ultimatum

FFF > Agent Tickle and Mr Anderson

Contrary to popular belief, I do have a job which involves going to an office and doing some work. Well some days I just go in but regardless, I work. Also, unless you’ve been talking to my shrink you will know that I am singular, human not humans. Person not people. FFF = 1.

With this in mind, it pained me to blatantly lie to my office about a sudden Meeting that had just materialized in Richmond. My –almost too good to be true- Intel suggested my target was off for a game of golf and a lunch in the country. How very quaint.

I waited, doing my very best impression of someone who was bored and unemployed. My target Agent Tickle appeared, carrying his golf clubs and assumed that zone 6 is some kind of Streetwars safe area. Two steps were taken out of the station and the softest of gentle shots to the calf was dispatched without the police officers over the road spotting a thing.

FFF

And so it is that number 10 comes…and goes. Dear old Mr Anderson. We met last year. Same place, same gun, same result. All was not what it seemed with this hit but I’ll do my talking somewhere other than this report… Get me though. FFF

The Canary Killer > Agent Bozo

One beautiful day. Two delicious kills.

This canary was less than pleased to draw the notorious agent bozo after my first kill of the day. But being a little tweety bundle of bravura, I persevered. Not least cos bozo works twenty minutes from my front door and I was bored.

Seems I got lucky. After thirty mins of staking out his office at go-home time out he stepped, his backward glances confirming him as the paranoid streetwars type.

A few crafty turns down alleyways didn't shake me and after a corner or two I decided I might as well run round the next bend like a lunatic and hope for the best.

To my surprise it worked. The former joint kill leader is now a wet chalk outline.

He assures me I got lucky and that this was the first time he had left work by the front since the game began.

Well, I'll take that luck all the way to the yellow feathery bank thanks.

For the record he was a true gent, magnanimous in defeat and forthcoming too. I bought him a beer and got the full lowdown on my next target. The man had colour coded maps for chrissakes... Truly an honour to have wetted him.

Who's next, commanders? This canary's flying high

4s4s Leather Belt > Doce Pares and The Canary Killer

Let this be a cautionary lesson in evolution to you all. If you're going to try to be sneaky by listing yourself as unemployed with no work address, make sure that a simple web search for your name will not, as the first result returned, give a detailed schedule of the locations that you will be during, along with times, for every day of the week. Do not then compound this mistake by being at said locations, along with your team mate, unless you are very cautious and aware of your surroundings.

This was the simple mistake made by the Dodos, who completely failed to spot, three unlikely gym-goers, when we walked into their class late one evening and watched them train for several minutes. Prudence prevented us pulling our weapons in whole a room full of frankly scary-looking trainee ninjas (with big sticks), so we opted to wait outside for the Dodos to leave the nest.

Once away from the relative 'safety' of their gym, it would have been natural to assume that the Dodos would have been more observant of those around them. They did not see the street-punk in a swarm of shrieking tourists, ogling over the latest forgettable celebutante. Nor did they see the ghostly shade of a dead man, pressed flat against the wall of a blind alley. And they most certainly did not see coming what would happen next.

Survival of the fittest depends on prey being able to outwit or outrun the predator. The flightless birds, however, were so engrossed in their conversation that they were completely oblivious to the two assassins walking alongside them *with weapons drawn* for the five or ten minutes it took them to stroll to their car.

Tiring of 'the chase', the extinction came swift and easy. Two birds with one squirt.

Consider the phrase "Live in Fear" for a moment, wise words that any would-be assassin should be careful to heed. Notice more specifically that the motto isn't "Live in Fear most-of-the-time" or "Live in Fear only-when-you're-at-home-or-at-work". Sadly it seems that Canaries, much like Dodos, can't read very well.

I picked up the Canary Killer's trail at his local DLR station, where after an eventful morning; I had decided to rest and read my book. From there I closely tailed him by tube and train all the way to Euston mainline station.

And I'm fair… and give credit where credit's due... never once did he leave a safe zone and give me the satisfaction of wetting his sorry white ass.

At Euston Station I pretended to read a newspaper, watching him collect his train tickets, then go and buy provisions for his onward journey. He was so close I could almost reach out and ouch him. Sadly the huge safe zone we were both in put him just out of reach of my aquatic
molestations.

Cut to: two and a half hours later, I'm on the phone screaming to my team-mate … I must be insane. "I'm on his fucking train, and we're both about to get off at Manchester train station."

On a whim it seems, my mark asked the train manager if there were any 'suspicious characters' onboard- a good (if lucky) move- as I had misplaced my trust in her earlier in the journey- and she eagerly shopped me to him. But even after confronting me in the carriage, even after 'bonding' over stories of kills and guns, the canary did not have the good sense to shoot me the moment we were clear of the station. The motto of Killer: "Live in Fear"... for fear, is that very healthy instinct that will keep you alive... should be "Trust no one".

Why this noble bird believed me when I told him he was safe, and that I wasn't following him; but rather visiting a friend is uncertain. All I know is that it cost him his life.

The Canary sung his last at 1345, just outside Manchester Piccadilly train station.

And now' if you'll excuse me, this punk's gotta find his way back to civilisation, and to the next target.

Alex Blue

The canary tweets no more. I have been killed. In bloody MANCHESTER. The poor sod followed me from doorstep to euston station and then spent sixty quid on a ticket only to be betrayed by a wary ticket guard who showed me him on cc tv.

So I went and sat with him and we had a nice deniro/pacino faceoff, shot the breeze and spoke of good times.

The scheming git faked an email from eevil midget (if that doesn't warrant targeting by the rogue assassins I don't know what does) saying kills outside london didn't count.

And like an idiot I bought it. Even when he followed me to the taxi rank at manchester picadilly station on the pretence of visiting his nan.

Between my naivety and his ridiculous cash investment, he earnt the kill. This canary deserved to die.

See you at the wrap party, then in 2008.

Tweet tweeBANG

Deekoy > Wet T of the Loser Muffin Pussy Minjas

After many hours of exhaustive waiting around, Agent Wet T was finally
delivered just that by Deekoy. Sundays are a hard day to get kills, no
routine, everyone out, Dancing with the Stars on TV! However yet again
patience and persistence proves a winner.

Having evaded my efforts on two occasions prior enough was enough and it
had to end. So armed with a pork pie, a bottle of orange juice and few mini
cheddars siege was laid. Hours passed again with nothing, no sight. Hope was
almost lost until a moment of inspiration said to approach the front door in
blatant fashion. This unusually bold gesture prompted a twitch of a curtain
and confirmation was finally had that the target was in and restless.

A peek round the side window a few minutes later signaled the even better
news that lights were being turned off, television put on stand-by and cat
fed... the tell tale signs of "I'm heading out".

After this it was all rather simple. I loitered, she meandered and after a
quick name call it was the trademark double tap take down. "Shit"... "SHIT!"
And then "thank you", eh? Yes, "thank you". It seems in true Japanese style
this particular agent, who was struggling for the all important 3rd kill,
would much rather have been taken out in a watery abatement than suffer the
ignominy of being disqualified. What can I say? Always happy to help.

So final week here we come and finally on an ascendancy I hope to bring this
ship home. Credit to the girls for frustrating me this week but it's mute
now. The REAL hunt is now on.

Deekoy

The L.R.A > LFDLM

Here's our death report:

Alas and alack The Brotherhood of Death have themselves become victim to their namesake

Agent Gaijin and Agent Dismas were both laying in wait at the latter's place of work - we had concocted an elaborate scheme to lure our target to us so we didn't have to put in any leg-work, as is so often the case. Closing time drew closer and we realised that our target would instead be coming the next day, so resignedly cracked open a couple of bottles of beer and nonchalantly set forth in to Farringdon Street. Earlier we had espied a suspicious-looking lady outside the work-place. I instructed Dismas to go ahead and I would trail behind by 10 seconds - if the suspicious person followed him then we could be certain that she was in fact an assassin. She followed. Upon reaching a stairwell heading up to the street above I waited for final visual of a water pistol in her hand before unleashing a double-shot to the back. We had a brief exchange of words, offering consolation for her having waited for much of the day for her target to emerge and parted ways at the top of the stairwell.

Little did we know that she had summoned a couple of other rogue assassins. Agent Dismas, in his unbridled optimism, had considered that the path to the nearest transport hub was entirely secure. He had not accounted for the work safe-zone becoming invalid upon leaving work for home. His care-free insouciance was to be our downfall. With a great cry we were set upon from behind by Agent PocketRocket, another rogue assassin. She emptied her mini-pistol and Agent Dismas and then turned to take me on. In the manner of any worthwhile gun-film she realised that she had run out of ammunition in her piece. Armed only with a water bottle, she valiantly went on to soak me. However, I smiled wryly, whilst drawing my own pistol, informing her that such a weapon was disallowed and proceeded to return fire. No sooner had I put her to rest than another rogue assassin, Agent Piratekiller, heroically emerged on to the scene unleashing yet another watery barrage on to the already dripping Dismas. I got off a shot before he turned on me (or so I recall ... the watery blood-lust may have interfered with my memory), no doubt having discounted me because of being thoroughly drenched by the bottle of water.

And so it was that La Fraternité de La Mort, despite Agent Gaijin's valiant counter-attacks, came to be eliminated. Let this act as a cautionary tale to those who seek to leave work with no cares in the world. As soon as you cross the threshold you're fair game.

We give our respect to the LRA's relentless onslaught of enthusiasm and dogged persistence, coupled with their unerring dedication to soaking. To those who incur their wrath next ... live in fear. Though with a little preparation and foresight perhaps you might succeed where we failed.

See you all at the wrap party and, more importantly, next year! Vengeance shall be ours.
LFDLM

Shed Squad > Dog Faced Boy and x1 Blonde

Calling supreme commander come in supreme. Agent Sensai (SHED SQUAD) would like to report another target eliminated. Dog Faced Boy was hosed down after a 3 hr long stalk outside his house, living off the elderberries alone, and freezing. I only moved to try and get rid of the pins and needles in my right leg. I strolled round the block twice, then sat down outside the off licence. Suddenly I saw a figure running towards me. It was my target. He paid no attention to the alcoholic waiting for the offee to open, so I gave chase (I had to get him before he reached the train station). I stroked my weapon a few times, as I did this my target heard and turned to face me. He cryed out a terrified “OHH NOOO!!!!! “ and I let him have it. Shed squad waiting for new assignment. SENSAI

Shed Squad calling Supreme Agent F1ve 5tar Took down Monster Girl after stalking her from work hiding in phone boxes. Now its Bint Ra's turn. We will be in contact soon to tell you we need a new target. I must go now, I have to meet sensai to get my new disguise. Shed Squad over and out.