NYC 2008
Lessons to be Learned
September 9, 2008 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 8:03 PM
I want all of you to pay very close attention to this posting...there will be certain lessons taught and examples made that you would do yourself a service if you paid attention to.
Just the other day, I received the following email:
Mister Mustache – Can I ask you ever-so politely to get your commander shit together.We are a team of specially-trained agents operating in exact measurements and precise movements. The only point of failure to the success of our mission is faulty information from yours truly. So please, tighten it up.
Best,
Agent Shuki
Now, a bit of history...
Years ago, I set on a mission to climb to the top of all the mountains in the Himalayas by myself and with nothing more than the clothes on my back and a small butterfly knife. At one point during my climbings, there was a violent blizzard - fucking snow and crap everywhere, it got so damn bad that I had to find some sort of shelter...imagine my surprise when, out there in the middle of nowhere, I saw a plume of smoke rise from one of the valleys near me. I made my way towards that smoke, in the hopes of finding some shelter.
As I slowly made my way closer to the source of the smoke, I saw a small hut and in front of it was the man you know as Mustache Commander, wearing only a loin-cloth and greased up with olive oil, wrestling with a Polar Bear. I could tell that, although he was holding his own, eventually the bear would have gotten the best of him.
I jumped into the fray and together Mustache and I kicked the shit out of that douchebag bear. Like seriously, I straight-up throat stomped that motherfucker...took his gold chains too.
Ever since that day, Mustache and I are as one. You insult him, you insult me. I fight, he fights. Heck, we even share our concubines.
Agent Shuki of Team Mossad insulted Mustache. Which is like insulting me. Which means he insulted both of us.
THIS WILL NOT STAND.
I will now, in public, teach this fool a few things about respect and etiquette.
Certain things, like Wu-Tang, angry badgers and the Shadow Government, should not be fucked with. When you fuck with these things, you will find that they will fuck you back, often much harder than the initial fucking...if you want to play the fuck game, you end up getting fucked - and we have very, very large penises.
It would be too easy and final to just send out one of my army or Rogue Assassins to kill him. He would not learn a lesson that way.
Instead, I am sending out my Rogue assassins to kill his teammate. Her blood will be on your hands Agent Shuki. Her demise, your fault...and after my Rogues are done with her, I will release them on the rest of you assassins.
You all have Agent Shuki to thank for this.
Shadow Gov ain't nothing to fuck with.
Now, now you get to read some kill stories...and you'll get one about Shuki's partner soon enough.
<3
Supreme
Agent Ohms killed Patrick Bateman.
This is Agent Ohms. As of 6:05 AM, Agent Patrick Bateman is deceased. I have received my new target.
Many more, will die.
***
Blackout City killed Domino Butterbean
The Mayors of Blackout City took to the task of welcoming Domino Butterbean to our fair city, with a parade which had to be cancelled due to city wide flooding. Early Monday morning we called an emergency cabinet meeting with Commissioner of Public Records, Chief of Police, Parks department, Department of Health, and various blue dress wearing interns and developed a plan on how to welcome on of Blackout City's newest citizen. Our experts informed us that Butterbeans were to be wed this fall and his fine fiance had registered with a little local business.
After some hard afternoon work one of our interns called Mrs. Butterbean to set up a meeting to discuss errors in he and his wife-to-be's bridal registry. It appeared that once again "Our online registry was causing yet another mess". Mrs. Butterbean informed "Tom", the stores online manager, that they were unavailable until 11 that evening but they were home if we had IT resolve the problem and wanted to let them know that everything was ok.
The Mayors dispatched a task force to sit on the Butterbean's house. With the block cordoned off with our City's finest, Mr. Butterbean came strolling down the street with groceries for he and his lady. We sprung, Butterbean was "greeted" on his steps with keys in hand, and told along with a nice couple eating dinner that the forecast called for rain.
Another official elected by the X-mayors, Chalk it!
***
Dollface killed Kdev
To: Supreme Commander
At wee hours of the morning Dollface stalked and killed her target
Victim: KDev
I was on my way out my door at around 10:30 pm to go ruthlessly kill my very dear friend Agent KDev. When i spotted 3 chicks in hoodies huddled around my house. They were waiting for me and actually asked my friend Gus (who came to give me a ride) if I was coming out soon. Gus alas is a chump who would have sold me down the river in a heartbeat because I had to notice the assassins before he told me they had asked for me. You;d think a best friend would warn someone before they were about to step out the door that three suspicious girls were outside waiting for you. I backtracked into my house and refused to leave. The girls gave up about ten minutes after Gus informed them I was staying put. I waited and waited and sent my friends out to canvas the area. But they were gone.
Around 11:30 they called me to ask why i was so afraid to step out and they were out to get me. I calmly replied I was staying dry that night ladies. They giggled and we hung up. I waited and waited. I made myself a snack. I watched a movie around two. Around four am I was ready to attempt my kill again. I got dressed, got my weapons ready and started walking.
My victim happened to be a former housemate. I moved out less than a month ago. I still had the house keys. To obey the vampire rule I asked his roomate (who is our landlord's son) if I could drop the keys off to him and the only hours I was available was very early in the morning, like 7am. He told me I was welcomed any time, i was still my house. I walked from my new place to my old place at 5 in the morning (taking a lot of dark backstreets.) It took 45 minutes to get there. I let myself in and walked to the basemant. Put all my stuff down except for my weapons. And walked upstairs to his apt. I waited and waited (see I know he had work at 8am and i did have a slight conscience when it came to him losing sleep. I waited outside his bedroom door for over an hour. Calmly calculating how it would go down. At 7:34 i heard him cough and start to wake up. I pushed his door open. His back was to me. I tapped him on the shoulder and he turned and blinked his sleepy eyes at me. He said a sleepy "Heyyy..." to me. I've woken him up before he wasn't to shocked to see me when i tapped his shoulder. In the middle of his sleepy greeting i squirted him square in the face. At which point he screamed "Are you fucking kidding me?" And tackled me down to his bed screaming "Noooooo I hate you!" But it was too late. He was dead before his morning coffee.
I felt a bit psycho the way I stalked one of my best friends. But it sure made up for him laughing at me when I signed up. Signed up to kill and be ruthless about it.
Waiting for the next
DollFace
***
Agent Chubb killed Prince Hall
It is a story of a meeting of chance. I had opted to target the team leader and had been staking out his home address both this morning and this evening. After waiting for approximately 3 hours about 2 blocks away assuming a route he would take from the train, I decided to do another walk-by of his building. As I walked up the block, chance would have it that I turned to look behind me and noticed Mr. Milan casually strolling up the street trying to put on a hooded sweatshirt. I quickly darted around the corner in order to get behind my target and to confirm identity. After about a half a block I noticed the gun concealed in a shopping bag and took aim and fired two shots into his back for a successful kill. He never knew what hit him.
I now look forward to meeting his leader and wetting him as well.
Agent Chubb
***
Ron & Fez killed Tortollin
After a awful meal of tater tots and some sort of crossaint sandwich from Burger King, Agents Hicks and I am the Liquor proceeded to stake out the residence of Agent Tortollin. Agent Hicks took the back alley behind the targets residence while Liquor watched the front.
We had a few false positive sightings of the target's neighbors, whom we most likely weirded out, Agent Tortollin came out his front door unarmed, where the recently arrived Agent Torpedo Vegas was able to eliminate with a sucking gut wound. We then got high. Also, it was disgustingly humid today, what the fuck.
***
At 8:20 this morning, Agent BigBadSlaw met his demise. Unfortunately for him, I received his dossier on Sunday night. We happened to be friends and were best men at each other's weddings. Thus, I knew his end would be near. After hearing from him late last evening about his plans to stalk his target early this morning, I set my alarm for a wee hour and hustled over to his domicile to catch him when he left. However, a text message I received from my unwitting victim told me he was already in position. I ran over to where he was hiding to kill his target and quickly shot him before he had time to realize why I was really there. It brought me some pain to have to kill a good friend, but there is no time for emotion, just assassinations.
His kill code from his ID - pCFfRCUt4BfMguH_H
I am agent David Steinberg, ready for next assignment.
***
Hebrew Hammer killed Emily Hard
No Story
***
Comments
Showtime.
Posted by: Phire at September 10, 2008 12:20 PM
"The only point of failure to the success of our mission is faulty information from yours truly"
yours truly
1. A closing formula for a letter, as in It was signed "Yours truly, Mary Smith." [Late 1700s]
2. I, me, myself, as in Jane sends her love, as does yours truly. [Colloquial; mid-1800s]
Posted by: Poet at September 10, 2008 12:38 PM
I propose an emergency motion to place the public records of Agent Shuki's identity and place of residence into the hall of records. Let all my fellow assassins know the name and face of this agent of complaining. Shuki shall deal with trial by peers!
Mayor Dinkins
Posted by: Mayor Dinkins at September 10, 2008 1:02 PM
Supreme Commander
Release your dogs of war against Shuki teammate, but may I be so modest and suggest you call a city wide truce for one night, call all assassins off their current targets, post the address and picture of Shuki teammate and send every assassin in the city after her. Reward the one who brings you her head, let us all bathe in her blood.
Mayor Koch
Posted by: Ed Koch at September 10, 2008 1:38 PM
If past tournaments are any indication, there will be more transgressions.
At that point I may open the hunt to all assassins.
For now, the Rogues need to whet their appetite.
Posted by: Supreme Commander at September 10, 2008 1:40 PM
Destiny eats prayers like a toad eats flies.
Posted by: Dresden at September 10, 2008 4:15 PM
I was looking for some superior weaponry and came across this douchebag trying to use the good name of Streetwars to sell their guns. Who is this fucker trying to fool, he even took pics off the websites video. These two nubs look like they could be poster boys for the next Napolian Dynamite lunch box. Everyone knows, that video was staged anyway, since the rule is, no unwelcomed entry into people’s houses.
Check this out:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&item=270272747730
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&item=270272749251
Posted by: Albino Skipper at September 10, 2008 5:24 PM
There was no vampire rule back in 2005.
Redeye, the guy in the video, really did win the game that year. I'm not sure if the video was staged or not, but according to the blog during the game, that was how it went down. It's unfortunate there is no longer access to the 2005 blogs, it was a rather good story.
Posted by: -Stevens at September 10, 2008 5:52 PM
Let me first issue a public apology to the supreme command unit. I certainly meant no ill will towards the brass and any sarcasm should be taken as such. Some erroneous info was initially given to our team and I was merely expressing the importance we place on precision in our executions.
For all you other fuckers playing the game, good luck finding me. I suggest you concern yourselves with staying alive through the night and pray that you're not my next target.
Out.
Posted by: Shuki at September 10, 2008 7:25 PM
if someone is hunting a girl with area code 276 - I might have valuable information for you...
Dinner: Fried Chicken and no veggies!
Posted by: Agent Orange at September 10, 2008 8:00 PM
poor poor victims. shalom and mazel tov.
Posted by: Lord Kaiser - Dead CELL at September 10, 2008 8:06 PM
Godammit! Splattered. By Vaquero, no less. Godammit.
He's verbose, but dedicated. At least now that I'm dead I'll be spared the recap that will no doubt take longer than the event.
Shit. And I was almost finished building my man-sized box to hideout in in front of my target's apartment on recycling day.
Posted by: The Precipitator at September 10, 2008 8:17 PM
I hope theres another agent orange in this game or so help me God I will make it rain on you imposter....
As for you Vincent.....Im upset you ignored all my phone calls. From 6am til 8am and again 6pm til 11pm I waited and waited and to my suprise waited some more. All I wanted to do was check up on the old fellow....Now you will PAY for wasting my time....Hope you enjoy my wake up calls every 30 mins from 6am until I send you to sleep with the fishes.
Posted by: Agent ORANGE at September 10, 2008 8:53 PM
I hope theres another agent orange in this game or so help me God I will make it rain on you imposter....
As for you Vincent.....Im upset you ignored all my phone calls. From 6am til 8am and again 6pm til 11pm I waited and waited and to my suprise waited some more. All I wanted to do was check up on the old fellow....Now you will PAY for wasting my time....Hope you enjoy my wake up calls every 30 mins from 6am until I send you to sleep with the fishes.
Posted by: Agent ORANGE at September 10, 2008 8:54 PM
you double-posting fuckhead - there is only one real Agent Orange in the game and that's the one who wetted his assassin outside his house tonight (hi Trevor, say hi to the wife).
Love you all, mean it
Posted by: Agent Orange at September 10, 2008 9:18 PM
Those guns on Ebay are legit.
The Big CPS is actually the gun that killed me in the 2005 SF tournament. I recognize the seller's name...
I thought I would never see those guns again.
Sigh...
Memories...
Posted by: Supreme Commander at September 10, 2008 9:21 PM
Hm ... methinks Pink of Killer Greene is dead, but my premature saturation is reason enough not to grant me the kill. Shrapnel be damned, I shoulda shot for the dome! Chasing a bike sucks ...
You won't live to tell your inbred, bucktooth, lazy-eyed kids the story.
Ole!
Posted by: El Matador at September 10, 2008 11:23 PM
Matador,
I will not deny that my bike may have taken some damage. I was doing recon on the homefront when you charged, calling me out. I booked it immediately up the street, on the BMX, while you squirted in vain.
Sure that I had attained a comfortable distance, I was mad surprised to see (and hear) the splat of a grenade right by my rear wheel. A most excellent toss -- I will grant you this. However, I felt no damage, and I dutifully examined my shoes at next interlude, a half mile away.
The next 'nade was even more surprising, as I turned up Fulton, surely out of your grasp, when out of nowhere, another splat, danger close, clearly fired from Cumberland, catty-corner. I have to hand it to your ingenuity and placement.
Too bad there is nothing to show for it.
All in all, a worthy showdown. I truly look forward to our next encounter.
Posted by: Mr. Pink at September 11, 2008 12:15 AM
Agent Orange,
You seem nervous; I hope my associate didn't scare you too badly. Does this mean you're canceling our date?
xoxo,
Your Grim, Watery Death
~~~~
"Behind every good man is a good woman -- she's waiting in the shadows to get you."
Posted by: orange SLICE at September 11, 2008 4:01 AM
Agent:Victor Bleau -KILLED
after two long ass days of stakeouts, befriending the doorwoman, fake delivery scheme and overall shitty attempts I finally got him. I was up at the butt crack of dawn staking out his place when i got spotted asking his day doorman for info. When i saw him running down the block i ran the opposite direction and hid until i saw him coming up the block towards the train station and i had him in my sight.......... SQUIRT=KILL!!!!!! He wasnt carrying his ID,..... BEAT!!! but hes done.
it may have takin me a while BUT I got him.
BEWARE i have tasted victory and i LIKED IT
-KILLAH
Posted by: Killah at September 11, 2008 4:27 AM
not nervous - excited! It has been a while since my last date with a transsexual...
Make sure to warm up, stretch and get in a bathrobe before you come over.
I'll see you in the stairwell!
Posted by: Agent Orange at September 11, 2008 5:49 AM
Confidential to the team trying to kill Jack Flack:
When you send amateurs to kill a trained professional, the results tend to be hilarious. Like several "assassins" sitting on their thumbs in broad daylight who allowed a target to practically jog right by them without reacting.
Did they think me not prepared?
That I wouldn't post sentries to inform me of the goings-on outside my lair?
That I wouldn't mock their futile attempts by exposing myself to whatever feeble plan they had concocted?
Bush-league.
Your next attempt on my life will not be so exciting, I promise. I let you see me this time just so you'd have some idea with whom you're dealing.
Jack Flack always escapes.
Posted by: Jack Flack at September 11, 2008 5:58 AM
maybe ill just go pay a visit to your hubby in jersey Mrs. agent orange
Posted by: chills at September 11, 2008 6:13 AM
Ive got some advice for those who are currently hunting me.
Stay Dry!
I will make my first killing tonight, or should I say ... slaying :)
Posted by: Charon at September 11, 2008 9:25 AM
My picture didnt show up.
http://i33.tinypic.com/2q8ofav.jpg
Posted by: Charon at September 11, 2008 9:26 AM
Killer Green - we need to talk - contact me ASAP: findyggdrasil@gmail.com
Posted by: Silent at September 11, 2008 10:32 AM
Upon receiving "the package" from the Shadow Government, it was pleasing to see that this mision would have not one, but three victims, the members of team Killer Greene. A reconnaissance mission was embarked upon inmediatamente to identify the targets' homes and their places of work. The locations were all canvassed, photographed and committed to memoria. Every corner, alley, vagrant, and crack-whore was identified and inventoried, making the likelihood of an unforeseen escape unlikely.
The workplace of Mr. Greene, el capitan of Killer Greene was infiltrated on Tuesday night, but he was nowhere to be seen. Apparently some erroneous intelligence had been obtained. The night was not a complete failure however as Mr. Greene "moonlights" as a panini purveyor of Plutonian proportions. The spicey tuna with oven roasted tomates was delish!
Wednesday night saw an incursion into Killer Greene's hipster downtown Brooklyn barrio. After a lengthy stakeout and no sign of the marks, hope was nearly lost. However, there would be no going quietly into the good night. Like a Horseman of the Apocalypse, Mr. Greene's associate Mr. Pink strode into the crosshairs of El Matador's sidearm. The weapon's stream of muerte aquatica was not sufficient to relieve Mr. Pink of his mortal coil and he hastily retreated on his steed, fortuitously dodging volley after volley of water-grenades. The night's excitement would peak there, but the thrill of the hunt had sparked and insatiable bloodlust that demanded it be seen to fruition.
This morning, a second incursion was made into Brooklyn. A covert unit was stationed just outside the target's home with inteligencia buena indicating that Mr. Greene would be leaving at an appointed time. Lo, the time was nigh. An obviously on-edge Mr. Greene exited his home, eyes darting to and fro, searching for the most minimal sign of danger, water balloon and gun in hand. Ignorance being bliss, he was blind to the imminence of his demise and had sealed the fate of team Killer Greene. As Mr. Greene made his way up his block, agent El Matador swept upon him like the Angel of Death. Mr. Greene attempted an escape, but it was all for naught. He tossed a well-aimed balloon, but El Matador would not be denied and the projectile was avoided with Baryshnikovian elegance. A righteous saturation unlike any witnessed heretofore was unleashed upon the victim.
The humiliation of defeat still entrenched in his visage, Mr. Green had little recourse but to hand over his ID. "I didn't want to stop playing." Sorry hijo, death is no game. A quick dap and man-hug later, it was off to search for the next mark. Ole!
Yours in acrimony ... El Matador
Posted by: El Matador at September 11, 2008 12:15 PM
Silent,
Why so interested in the dead?
Posted by: El Matador at September 11, 2008 12:25 PM
Whats this valuable information you have Agent Orange?
Posted by: Chills at September 11, 2008 2:12 PM
Post a comment
Contact your Shadow Governement Official: liveinfear@streetwars.net
As it would seem, the fire has burned through the ropes. The FoxHounds have been released.
Posted by: Lord Kaiser - Dead CELL at September 10, 2008 12:17 PM