NYC 2006

StreetWars Wrap Party. BE THERE!

February 3, 2007 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 04:12 PM

Location: Laszlo's @ 2534 Mission St between 21st and 22nd st
Date: Feb 11th, Sunday
Time: 8pm and on

Don't miss the highlight event of the SF Assassin calendar. This is where all the top assassins come to see and be seen.

Features include:

• No bullshit cover charge. We are rich enough, thank you.
• The full original kill circle revealed, with photos!
• Awards ceremony
• Your chance to admire/make-out with the Commanders.

There will also be:

• Some awesome DJ, but I forgot who. But either way, guaranteed to make the girls freak
• Drink specials
• The always fabulous GoGo behind the bar.

We encourage:

• Bring thy friends. Everyone, player or non-player, is welcomed
• Costumes are good. Sexy costumes are better. Sexy costumes involving mustaches or gold, double betterer.
• Getting hella wasted.
• You might want to call in sick on Monday... just saying...

Comments (763)

NYC 2006

The Death of the Supreme Commander

October 24, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 09:14 PM

You have no idea how much it hurts to relive the events of my death...and yet, the horrible events leading to my demise must be chronicled...

Thankfully, the winner of the tournament, aside from having excellent control of a water gun also has excellent control of language and has seen it fit to write up the story of my death so all you non-winners can see how it is supposed to be done.

Thankfully I have an infinite number of lives...I'm too damn strong to kill permanently. So, enjoy this victory while it lasts...

And now, without further ado...the story of my death...

This is my final kill report.

The playing field was thinned dramatically between the start of week three and the beginning of Sudden Death. It dwindled from 10 to five during Sudden Death. The stage was set for the final battle with the few that remained.

An eight floor parking structure in LIC. Fucking brilliant. I'm hard pressed to think of a more fitting setting. Maybe an abandoned correctional facility, but that could be the hangover talking.

I arrived at the designated area about 12:00. Not knowing what to expect or who was watching I very carefully made my way up to the top floor.

The next to arrive were The Wholesale Liquidators. Shortly after, with Security in tow, the Supreme Commander himself. They circled the garage for a bit, coming up to our floor and returning to lower floors several times.
The three of us took cover in a stairwell. Outside, there was no cover save for whatever cars were parked there. Very carefully we exited the stairs and began to make our way around the garage. We ducked into another set of stairs and we heard the door below us open. I pulled my pistlero and fired a few shots into whoever it was.

It was Black Lung, an agent of the Shadow Government. He informed us that the game was starting, and that the Commander was beginning his ascent from the third floor.

I'm not sure how much time had passed, but the next half hour or so was filled with taking cover, shoot-outs with Rogue Assassins, and searching for our quarry.

Then I saw him. He had two body guards with him (I later Iearned they were unarmed cameramen) so I proceeded very carefully. He ran for a stairwell about halfway between us. I took my shot and fell short. He had made it to the stairs. He was still dry.

I was pretty sure he was on the seventh floor, I retreated there as well. Seeing it was empty I quickly made my way back to the top level. Then I saw him again. This time though he was on the opposite side of the garage.

I broke into an all out sprint and closed the distance in a few seconds. The entire time I was thinking one of us was going to get wet.

He took cover against the outside of a stairwell, I approached, and we both fired the riot blast from our guns (why did I tell him how to improve its firing range last night? If I didn't I would have had the range on him. But I told him, and his gun was now equal to mine).

There was an awesome hail of water. We thought we both missed and the shoot-out continued. Empty, we had to re prime our weapons. I *should* have realised my reservoir was dry and charged with my pistolero while he was pressurizing. I didn't. I tried to re-arm my gun first. By the time I went at him he was ready for me. We both fired. Mine fell short. His didn't.

However in the aftermath we noticed something...

His back was wet. I hit him with my initial shot.

It was over.

************

Special thanks to Ramy for putting up with me during Streetwars, my targets, my assassins, my colleagues at IS 7, Wholesale Liquidators for being totally cool, and the Shadow Government for making it all possible.

Yours in sub-rosa,

Mr. Peter Stevens
Congress Occultus

Comments (8)

NYC 2006

Like Scarface...

October 21, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 02:53 PM

Current status...
Supreme Commander Wet
Game Over
PARTY TONIGHT

Still recovering from wetness.
Winner will be revealed at party.

RSVP LIST CLOSED

I need to poo.

Comments (35)

NYC 2006

Posting Will Be Coming a Bit Late...

October 20, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 08:12 PM

Exactly that suckaz.

Comments (12)

NYC 2006

Apocalypse

October 20, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 05:39 PM

A note from the sexy desk of The Supreme Commander:

*I will be telling you my plans for the evening by 8:30pm - I am going to die tonight�not easily or quietly, but tonight -one way or another- I would like a winner.*

*P.S. I ask that you give me a worthy death*

Now, on to the events of last night...

It was not easy, but I made it out last night, had a few drinks and got back home dry.

For those of you that couldn't make it and those of you following the tournament, here is a very brief recap of the shit that went down last inght:

Many drinks.

Two high speed car chases.

One "neutralization".

One unexpected death.

One death handed out by bodyguards.

Construction site car battles.

Mud running.

I will likely write another posting later, when I am better rested, sexified, massaged and more in control of my words and fingers, elucidating the details of the evening�

Mad respect to all of you that made it out , it was a fucking fun night. You kids really stepped up the game anotch�or perhaps this is what I should expect from hungry players in the final round. You may not be great at killing me, but hot DAMN you fuckers give a great chase!

I must take a moment to give a special testicle tickle to those of you that stepped up and helped out last night�it was kickass hanging with you (and drinking with those of you still alive and trying to kill me) and if not for your efforts I doubt I would have made it home dry (granted, it's a very small doubt, as I have copious skills and jet-packs to assist in my get away-ing - but still�thanks.).

�and not that it really matters, as I am well-nigh impossible to find here but, only my work building is safe for me now.

You got mad advantages�perhaps now you'll be able to do something inspiring.

Bring it bitches!

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

Comments (4)

NYC 2006

My Plans For The Evening...

October 19, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 08:54 PM

Current status...
Total Tournament Participants: ~220
Number of Players in Sudden Death: 7
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (11)

You kids kinda suck.

Granted, I have been disguised most of the time, but this is kinda pitiful...save for an unsuccessful attempt this morning...

Meh...this leaves a taste like stale cigarettes and hooker spit in my mouth.

So, I'm gonna make it even easier for you...

I will be going out in a little bit (it's 10pm now) to a BAR in LIC. There is a so-called "titty" style bar on the same street...I might stop in there for a minute as well. I think there's some white slavery type shit going on in that joint - sleazy place, hot eastern european women. Strange...but hot.

Still Dry,

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

Comments (11)

NYC 2006

Slow Singing, Flower Bringing et al

October 19, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 09:09 AM

Current status...
Total Tournament Participants: ~220
Number of Players in Sudden Death: 7
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (11)

3 kills.

Three of you fell to my assassins yesterday...

Phire
Agent Nina
Frankie the Hipster Slayer

What were you thinking? That yer gonna catch me with brute force? By hanging out in my stairwell? Come now, have a bit more respect than that.

If you want to get me try some slickery. You will have more luck...trust me. You'd be better off following me and trying to get me off-site than attacking at one of my "listed" locations.

That's my advice.

As of 5pm the "home" safe zone is gone.

Another update about my movements soon.

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

Comments (34)

NYC 2006

One down.

October 18, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 12:19 PM

A note from the desk of The Supreme Commander:

"Sudden Death begins and already one of you has fallen attempting to take my dryness from me. Irrigated like crops by the Duchess.

Phire was a brave and ballsy assassin� alas, in the end he was also unlucky. 3 weeks this assassin survived, through sweat, blood and no tears, he evaded the Rogues, he killed one of his targets two times (a necessity due to target's douchebaggery - note to target: you still owe us a bribe you cheap fuck!) and once teams were eliminated, he gave his teammate a fighting chance and took him out honorably (not the same can be said for the rest of you teams�).

The above excellence aside, he was also able to identify Shadow Government HQ before any of you� in fact, he knew where to look before he was even in Sudden Death.

How was such a pimp-skilled assassin killed? His gun fucked him (not literally mind you�well�at least not literally then - I have no idea what he does in the privacy of his own home�). He saw the Duchess approach him, while aiming dead center at her sumptuous breasts, he pulled the trigger� and his gun misfired. [I hear that many men have this problem when confronted with beautiful women in tense situations - performance anxiety I believe they call it� I think they have either pills or therapists for that sort of thing.] The Duchess did not laugh at his misfortune, she just showed him how one is supposed to properly use a gun.

Respect to you Phire, you played a good game - not great, cuz I'm still dry, but still, good."

Comments (6)

NYC 2006

Let's Get It On...

October 17, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 11:46 PM

Current status...
Total Tournament Participants: ~220
Number of Players in Sudden Death: 10
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (11)

SUDDEN DEATH!!!

Like my scrotum here it is in a nutshell:

I made like Santa with the list, checked it twice - there are the naughty fuckers that made it to Sudden Death (in drenching order):

Wholesale Liquidators
Agent Orange
Dead Cell
Team Shark
Dog Face Magoo
Mr. Peter Stevens
C17H21NO4
Bushwick Country club
Look Over Your Shoulder
Frankie the Hipster Slayer

PAY ATTENTION HERE:

Your targets are still active.

But...

That's not your main goal...

To be the best, you've got to beat the best.

I am the final target, you wet me, you win.

Oh!

I almost failed to mention...like any Head of State, I will have a security contingent with me (most of the time - hehe) and they can irrigate you. They can be neutralized for 15 minutes (only applies to the assassin that pesonally neutralized the body guard. The body guard is still free to wetify all other players), but they can also take you out of the game by wetting you...

Some of my information be emailed to you shortly after Midnight, along with more detialed rules on Sudden Death.

You will get more intel on me and my movements daily. I strongly suggest you check your email and the blog periodically.

This shit is gonna separate the punks from the playaz.

Kill stories shortly.

Let's play.

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

P.S. I'm not home yet.

Comments (5)

NYC 2006

Cinderella

October 17, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 07:43 PM

Current status...
Total Tournament Participants: ~220
Number of Players in Sudden Death: 10
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (11)

Finish scrubbing that floor and cleaning the toilets, suckaz - Sudden Death begins tonight at midnight.

Expect an email with Sudden Death details around midnight. I will also be posting the publicly released Sudden Death rules here at the same time...a post that will also contain a game update - there were quite a few unlucky souls that got they asses wettified right as Sudden Death was beginning...

Comments (10)

NYC 2006

StreetWars Wrap Party This Saturday!!!

October 17, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 08:02 AM

Your Mission:

To hang with some of the most bad assed mother fuckers in town, and of course, Supreme Commander and Mustache Commander. Drink lots, make out with strangers when least appropriate, look fly, and just rock out with your cocks out (in SPIRIT people, not literally, unless... well... nevermind...).

If You Are Not A Player and Want to Roll You MUST RSVP!

The Location:

Dirty Disco
248 West 14th Street

The Date:

Saturday, Oct 21st starts at 8:00pm. Winners and prizes presented at 'bout 9:30pm, give or take a few shots of tequila.

What to Expect:

• Free Drinks!!! [Thank you Cuervo]
  
  


• The full round robin revealed! All the player pics will be revealed
  in the context of the original kill order. FUN!
  
  


• Award ceremony for the winner
  
  


• A chance to meet all
  the other players
  
  

Dress Code

Assassin, ninja, or something of that nature. Extra points awarded to any and all mustaches.

Who can come:

Everyone! You don't need to be a player to come. Feel free to invite your friends.

Comments (2)

NYC 2006

The Road To Sudden Death

October 16, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 12:34 AM

All Targets are still active.

...and here we are...just a few steps from Sudden Death beginning in earnest...a few more "house cleaning" changes before you suckaz get to start hunting me...

The first big change in the "house cleaning" process only affects teams...

PAY ATTENTION HERE:

I promised you shit would change in Sudden Death.

Like Highlander, there can be only one.

As of right now, TEAMS NO LONGER EXIST.

This means that you can now (finally) kill your teammates. In close calls, the aggressor gets the tip of the hat on kills.

Have fun!

I'll have a little suprise for the players with only two kills tomorrow...give one of you suckaz a chance to get into Sudden Death. I'll tell you this...keep Tuesday evening free...

Now, time for sloppy drunken sex...

Until tomorrow.

I remain,

Your truly,

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

Comments (24)

NYC 2006

So Close...

October 15, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 01:25 PM

Keep in mind the StreetWars Awards/Wrap party will be on Saturday October 21st in Manhattan. Details dropping on Monday, but I can guarantee you free free-flowing liquor...

The time is almost here for Sudden Death and for one assassin to rise to the top of this crapheap of NYC assassins and become the definitive winner of StreetWars NY 2006...

As you well know, you need 3 kills to enter Sudden Death in order to prove your worth as an assassin and to show you have more than just n00b 5k1llz.

It hurts me to hear that some of you are hovering at 2 kills, yet are foaming at the mouth to enter the Sudden Death round...and so I shall give you 2 chances to do so...

You have 24 hours to come up with that 3rd kill...if you do not get one in 24 hours, there may be another chace for ONE of you to make it to Sudden Death.

I will post details on that once the 24 hour period expires...though I may give details to those of you that come to the Drinks for the Dead at the Bushwick Country Club tonight...

-TEAMS-
There will be a huge change coming on for you as of Sunrise Monday. I will post what it is late tonight.

Once this final group is set, Sudden Death will begin in earnest on Tuesday.

That's right children, quit yer squabbling and name calling, daddy's coming home and I'm aching to put a liquid spanking on you...

Nuggets in my pocket, wine in my hand
I got it like that, but you still don't understand
It comes to me natural, it comes to me easy
I just lay back and let the water gun lead me
I never work a day in my life
Single brother, no kids, no wife
100,000 wettings from one hand, that's many
But back where I come from, they ain't worth a penny
You've got a lot of talent, but you fail to see
You paid for yours, I got mine for free

Play in the rain and don't get wet
Walk through the desert and don't even sweat
Play in the snow and don't get cold
I've got ladies uptown and money on the floor
There's not a damn thing in the world that I'm askin' for

Believe dat.

See you Tuesday, suckaz.

A collection of kills and kill stories will be posted this evening...there is a reason for the non-release of information...

I STRONGLY encourage you to read the blog again late this evening, I will be posting a HUGE change to the game in preparation for Sudden Death.

Mwaahahahahahahahahahahaha...

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

Comments (8)

NYC 2006

The Last Drinks for the Dead Before Sudden Death

October 14, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 04:45 PM

Bring yer drinking mouth, this is the last Drinks for the Dead before the End of Game/Awards Party. Which will be on Saturday Octiber 21st and feature free drinks. Keep the date open, location to be dropped on your domes on Monday.

Assassinated? Lonely? Crying ghost or zombie tears?

Come celebrate your death in the most proper and classiest of fashions...by getting shit-ass wasted!

Bushwick Country Club
618 Grand Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(Between Leonard and Lorimer)
718.388.2114

This Sunday, October 15st. 6pm until question marks.

• Bring your bribes, yo.
• Bonus points if you sport a mustache.
• Those still alive are welcome to attend - if you are that confident in your skills to show your face in a concentrated area of assassins.

I might even drop some extra knowledge on Sudden Death if I get wasted enough...

Update on kills later...I'm busy torturing someone now.

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

Comments (8)

NYC 2006

Didi mao!

October 13, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 10:59 AM

Current status...
Players remaining: 22
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (10)

You punks have three days. Three days to make your kills before Sudden Death. I could go on calling you lot wieners, but that doesn't seem to be motivating you. What motivation could I give you? Naked photos? A bubble tea franchise? My Li'l Hanzo sword? A chinchilla coat? Such things pale in comparison to your pride.

In today's update

• Los Murderosos (3) wetted Repler (2)
  
• Mr. Peter Stevens (3) stunted Sprout (2)
  
• Wholesale Liquidators (5) smashed The Hewbrew Hammer (4)
  
• And in overdue news: Pilot (3) bushwacked two members of Bushwick Country Club (10) last week

  Your daily kill stories

  Los Murderosos (3) wetted Repler (2)

  At 1845 Tuesday night one Robert Epler was eliminated by one Mathematical Impossible outside his place of work.

  The best attacks are launched under the cover of darkness and in inclement weather. This was one of the best attacks. Since my target lives in the building next to me I have not been able to stake him out at his apartment, relying instead on stakeouts of his place of work. Unfortunately there are two exits to his building and only one Mathematical Impossible, making the stakeout a game of Streetwars roulette. Last night, on the third stakeout, my target's luck ran out. Mathematically speaking his wetting was overdue.

  I knew the bad weather would put my target at ease - after all, what kind of psycho would stand outside someone's building in the rain just to try to spray water on them? Mathematical Imposssible is precisely that kind of psycho. The rain and darkness made it difficult to ID the target, so I stood right outside the main entrance of his building, hid behind a column and waited. At approximately 1845 my target came outside. I was not sure if it was him, but since I was about to call it a night anyway due to serious chilidog related intestinal problems, I decided I was going to soak this guy regardless. I moved in behind him as he stepped off the curb and called his name. Like a true assasin he ignored me - at first. Then he turned his head towards me ever so slowly, glanced at me and took off running in a burst of manic speed. Since I had decided I was going to wet this person no matter who they were, I was already reaching for my gun. He didn't take more than two steps before my drops of death joined the NYC rain dripping down his
  back.

  He was a very nice guy, with good assasin isntincts. He had two kills under his belt already, pretty respectable for a lone assasin. His mistake was thinking that no one was going to stalk him in the rain. His misfortune was that his dossier was given to me.

  Mathematical Impossible
  

  
  Wholesale Liquidators (5) smashed The Hewbrew Hammer (4)
  

  
  Dear Shadow Government, I have failed you. I am dead. I am sorry for failing you.

  Agent Oates deserves winning this game just for the kill he made tonight. I'm a genius and he outsmarted me. I thought I had all my bases covered but he managed to find a weakness in my elaborate defense. Just so you'll understand what he managed to overcome, let me give you some details. The entrance to my home is wide open and inviting like a 12 years old girl in Bangkok. I haven't seen it since the game started. My daily route back home includes two electronic id swipes; unlocking doors with fingerprints and codes; underground tunnels that are not accessible to the public; entering a campus 5 blocks away from my place; going through a private pedestrian bridge that connects the campus and my building complex; entering a different building in the building complex; going down to the cellar; crossing the cellar to my building; taking the elevator to the fifth floor (I live on the third floor); sending the elevator empty back to the third floor; going down by foot to the third floor and soaking who ever might be waiting for me there. I did this every day, even when I came back at 5am, even when it meant making a half an hour detour in the rain. I also changed my appearance so much some friends fail to recognize me. Yes, I am paranoid. But not paranoid enough to get away from agent Oates. Supreme, Agent Oates deserves your praise. He deserves your gold. He deserves your Harem.
  Everybody else, you might as well quit now.

  And Li'l, on a side note, I apologize for failing to dedicate a kill to you.

  SC, MC, and Li'l
  It was a rare pleasure serving under you,
  HH
  

  
  

  
  Wholesale Liquidators� encourages you to... Check out our Hardware
  Department, where our tools aren't just solid, they're... Divine!
  Blessed by a genuine rabbi, nothing beats nailing a Hebrew Hammer,
  and nobody but Wholesale Liquidators� offers you this exquisite
  instrument of construction! But if you're looking for fluorescent
  over-sized guns or some novelty toy parade, you're in the wrong
  department, dunny. We use the real tools of the trade: wits,
  stealth, focus.

  Ask Oates!, your hardware specialist!...

  Hebrew Hammer was damn near flawless. No living assassin had ever
  seen him. His cunning defense stifled his pursuers; he left them
  miscues and baits that made them think they were closing in, when
  they were simply chasing their tail. Three days ago I began work on
  nailing the Hammer. I received intel from his previous
  assailants... Nothing. It was all dogshit. Everything the previous
  assassins had on him was fabricated or a trap. Not even the
  slightest idea as to what hours of day he worked. Online there was
  even less. My target was the real deal, he was way ahead of the
  game. I knew I couldn't underestimate a damn thing and no sense in
  trying to get close, this was all about finding cracks in the armor.

  Hebrew Hammer's tactics were perfect. That's precisely how I could
  kill him.

  I plotted out the most perfect way to enter and exit the building
  from his apartment. I also figured that he'd be ready for all the
  obvious sniper nests along the route...

  "I knew that at some point someone would wait for me along my daily
  route back home. The pedestrian bridge, the cellar, the playground in
  my building complex, the elevators in my building, the stairway next
  to my apartment, just outside my door. I was always ready to shoot..."

  Agent Hall was deejaying, so I was solo. My first tactics were to
  cover a lot of possible entrances at the same time--I guarded
  staircases by listening to vacuum-suction effects created by other
  doors in the stairwell, and used window reflections to cover other
  hallways and entrances--but this was spreading myself too thin. I
  knew for all the advantages I tried to take, he'd be ready and
  quicker. What I needed was one focused strategy. Let him get
  comfortable along the route and then break him when he least expected
  it. The problem was, every possible ambush was accounted for.
  Except for one...

  22 L 26

  I don't think I'll ever forget those stupid fucking digits. 22 L 26
  are the numbers I stared at unflinching for 6 hours in the vacant
  lobby of the adjacent building. Three elevators, three floors, three
  numbers. I was banking on my theory that Hammer, after the bridge,
  takes the elevator on floor 3, and travels down to the cellar. I was
  waiting on L, the floor he never stops at, in between those floors.
  I kept the left and right elevators settled at floors 22 and 26, just
  so they didn't fuck up my plan. I kept the middle elevator on L. If
  Hammer took the elevator from the 3rd floor, the one sitting on L
  would go up. When he pushed C (for cellar), I could intercept it
  from the lobby by pushing the down button. Six hours of staring at
  22 L 26... I kept thinking about vagina to stay awake, and I kept
  getting hard, standing alone in that silent lobby.

  ... At approximately 3:15am, Hebrew Hammer arrived home. He walked
  down the hallway from the bridge, got in the elevator, and pushed the
  button for the cellar. The doors opened at the Lobby. Nobody
  there. I waited out of view, to the side, in case his gun was up.
  When I saw a hand reach for the button to close the doors, I side-
  stepped and shot him once in the chest. That was the first time I
  ever laid eyes on Hebrew Hammer, when he was dead.

  Take it from Oates! If you want to build a perfect trap out of a
  perfect escape route, our experts can help you. If you want to build
  toys for newspaper write-ups, or you want to play squirt games with
  British hacks, try Walmart.

  "unparalleled beauty...
  unbeatable performance..."
  WHOLESALE LIQUIDATORS�
  Merchants of Death
  

  Comments (19)

NYC 2006

World War III.

October 11, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 10:55 PM

Current status...
Players remaining: 25
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (10)

You guys are shitty. That's all I have to say. See, even Londoners are coming in here taunting you. And that whole country is made up of the gays. You want the king of England coming into your house, pushing you around and having his way with your woman with his uncircumcised penis?! Fuck no. Then grab your water gun and soak that bitch. (If you get oral from a Brit, can you get gingivitis in the bathing suit area?)

In personal news, I made a delicious mixed micro green salad with a citrus vinaigrette for The Supreme Commander for his second lunch, only to have him throw it at me. He then lectured that salads, much like excercise, are for women. Angry and still hungry, SC demanded I make him an entire Thanksgiving dinner. He took his supper al fresco, in front of an orphanage in East Harlem.

In today's update

• Look Over Your Shoulder (3) wetted MC Pee Pants (1)

  Your daily kill stories

  Look Over Your Shoulder (3) wetted MC Pee Pants (1)

  The shadow government informed me I had less than 24 hours to make my kill before Agent Dickbag (not real agent name) was leaving on business until Sunday. After reading all the UK vs. US bullshit on the blog I figured it was time to pony up and make America proud. So I took off from work, staked out his building with two exits, acted nonchalant, which I've perfected, and followed him from a distance. Target was clean shaven (unlike his picture) and his hair was a little shorter too. He walked out of the safe zone to use the bank machine. I waited for him to turn around to identify the kill and when he came out I shot him. Pretty simple really. Gun misfired a little but he didn't even attempt to go for the 30lb per cubic inch Water Tazer he had in his man purse. He was nice and handed over his card. Sometimes it's perfecting the simple things that's the most difficult. Word up to the wise.

  Agent Look Over Your Shoulder
  

  Comments (15)

NYC 2006

Got To Be Startin' Something

October 11, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 07:16 AM

Current status...
Players remaining: 27
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (10)

Remember back in the days, when niggaz had waves
Gazelle shades, and corn braids
Pitchin pennies, honies had the high top jellies
Shootin skelly, motherfuckers was all friendly
Loungin at the barbeques, drinkin brews
With the neighborhood crews, hangin on the avenues...

It seems like those days are back...

NO KILLS TODAY!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!

What the fuck?!!?!?

This is the first time this has happened since 2004.

I have taken shits that were more deadly than you cats. I was thinking that once the "fat" got cut you would be going on a wetting spree. I was expecting danger and excitement...now all the danger and excitement is in my golden toilet bowl.

Perhaps I should just give the framed golden water gun and the title of NYC's Deadliest Assassin to my feces.

Hiding is the way of the coward, not the assassin. Meet your foes head on, wet them first, embarrass them. Walk into certain death confident that your skills are superior and you can survive - that is the mark of a true assassin.

True, the London assassins died in great numbers and you did not (as noted in the comments from the last blog), but that was a demonstration of true Bushido.

For inspiration, peep the story of Torii Mototada, whose decision to stand guard over Fushimi Castle in August 1600 against vastly numerically superior forces of Toyotomi Hideyoshi as an act of loyalty and honour to Tokugawa Ieyasu despite almost certain death. He cited Bushido as his reason for doing so and encouraged Tokugawa to flee with the main force of his army. In a moving last statement addressed to his son Tadamasa, Torii described how his family had served the Tokugawa for generations and how his own brother has been killed in battle. In the letter, Torii stated that he considered it an honor to die first so that he might give courage to the rest of the Tokugawa warriors. He requested that his son raise his siblings to serve the Tokugawa Clan "in both ascent and decline" and to remain humble desiring neither lordship nor monetary reward.

Anyway...here are some more "Forgotten" Kill stories...

In today's update

• No one got killed

Big Money invested in water on behalf of Agent 860

My Rolex swept past 7:40 quietly as the train rolled into the station. I finished debriefing my mistress on exactly what I was going to do, and when I was going to do it. She seemed a bit nervous... probably from watching all those episodes of Alias. I wasn't nervous though. I watch 24. Upon clearing the subway stairs I told her, "okay, we're going dark now." She understood and immediately started talking about her day at the office. The restaurant looked nice. It was a place I'd passed at least hundreds of times in the almost seven years I've lived in New York, but had never bothered to dine. The two of us stopped in front of the door and reviewed the Asian-fusion menu; I glanced inside to try to recognize my mark. No sign of him yet, but we weren't supposed to meet until 8pm. Killing time. That's what I need to be doing right now. I decided to take a stroll around the block to Best Buy and checkout Sony's new 1080p HDTV. The cool wad of cash was burning a hole in my pocket, but I needed to focus. It was too early for celebrating, but just about the time to hose down a rookie.

Three days earlier I didn't think it would all be so easy. After picking up my contract from the Commanders, I immediately started researching. The Internet was my best friend now. The satellite and aerial imagery I began obtaining started to paint a clear picture for me. The picture was that penetrating this guys Bushwick stronghold would be virtually impossible. Our day-job fronts were along the same hours, so his vulnerabilities were mine as well. I could not give up. I had no choice but to dig until I found a way for my enemy to come to me. After hours of sifting through data being siphoned off of the Net from spiders designed to research my mark, I hit something. His education would be his undoing. It was a detailed list of classmates from a graduate course taken over a year ago. It was all there. Their names, phone numbers, email addresses. After very careful consideration, I decided one particular name was the least likely to still be in-touch with my target. My target's name, after all, was amazingly generic. Another obstacle in obtaining relevant information. This person, however, had an impossibly foreign name. Perhaps it was shameless profiling, but there's a time and a place for everything. I created a new email account for faigtofig@gmail.com. Faig then wrote a nice email to Justin, my unsuspecting target, about a new opportunity.

------------------

Hi Justin,

It's Faig from your Pub. Design class. I was hoping you could help me on a freelance project coming up. If you're too busy, just let me know. This is rather last minute, but the person I had to do the job just backed out, and I know this is sort of in your area of expertise. Let me know if you're available for a 10-15 hour magazine cover comp job next week. It's a start-up, but they're in a bind and aren't being cheap about it anymore. I hope to hear from you!

Faig

------------------

After almost a full day of thinking my plan had fallen through, I finally caught a glimpse of hope.

------------------

Faig,

How goes it? I am currently living in Brooklyn NY. Would this be a project that could be done remotely? Also, would we be working collaboratively or would I be working on the cover alone?

Hope all is well Talk to you soon

Justin

------------------

He bought it! Now I just had to close the sale. But how? After a surgically selected volley of emails between Justin and who he thought was his old classmate, we made made plans for dinner. I let Justin choose the venue. I wanted him to feel safe and comfortable. He selected the NoHo Star on Lafayette Street. I replied specifying that I'd see him inside. There is a subway station right outside of that restaurant, and I didn't want him to have easy access to a safe zone if something were to go awry. The plan, however, was in motion; all I could do is wait.

My date and I greeted by the hostess. She thought she knew us, but I insisted it was our first time at the establishment. Right then I identified our rookie target. He looked a little nervous. Then again, he was sitting alone in a restaurant waiting for someone he apparently did not know very well. The waiter came over to bug us almost instantly. Jutting a menu in my face, he asked if I'd like anything to drink. I needed to stay sharp right now, so I ordered a Leffe. Grabbing his arm I then told him, "I'm putting this note in a menu for my friend over there. Just give him the menu and walk away. Say nothing." He was surprisingly agreeable and did as I said.

As he walked away, I reached into my jacket for one of my secure cell phones and dialed Justin's number. He glanced down at his phone instantly, but ignored the "Restricted Number." Now with my positive ID, I left my seat and made my way towards the restrooms. Just then the waiter passed me and headed towards my target's table. I followed about 15 paces behind. Justin took the menu and immediately opened it. As I came nearer, watching him open the neatly folded dossier sent from the Supreme Government, he read my personal message. "Nice to soak you! -- $Big Money$" Just then a glimmer recognition came over his face. My Jr. sized pistol, moist with anticipation; I raised my arm and fired into his back. His head dropped... in shame. It was over.

---

After the kill, Justin and I had a good laugh and he joined my date and I for dinner. He was after all, alone. Once I explained the Faig wasn't coming and that there was no freelance job, it all started to come together for him. He, as I would have been, was just happy that someone actually tricked him and he wasn't just popped by some punk catching him leaving his building. He didn't get a chance to get his own card, but he got to hang on to the note, which was his photo dossier and even the little pink gun that took him down. He went out with a bit of class. That is, after all, why Big Money is here.

-----------------------

Big Money weave a mighty web
Big Money draw the flies

How Nizris got smoked

I was ambushed today (Wednesday, September 27, 2006 @ 9:30 am) by an elite group of assassins, possibly the former Nizari group known as Fida'is. I knew the Shadow Government had gold but I did not realize you had so much gold to hire such a group. I believe you have surpassed my former employer, Cobra Commander in stature. Your money was well spent as only the elite could take me down. I have no doubt in my mind this group will go on to win.

They had a game plan that was executed well. It is for them to tell of their execution of the plan as they might use the same tactics on their next target(s). An assassin never reveals another assassins tactics unless that assassin kicked your pet monkey or something like that.

I had a plan that I didn't stick to this one time, I felt something was up but it was too late... The earth will cry today for its loss and I no longer have to live in fear. Hopefully the Shadow Government will use the Re-Animator technology and bring me back to life. As for the drinks I was offered by the group, e-mail me when it is best for you, as I know you guys take time to plan your game.

Ciao, Agent Nizaris.

Dog Face Magoo flip the script on their assassin

Agent Nina of Dog Face Magoo, disguised under deep cover as a regular office worker, received credible intel regarding their pathetically would-be assassin. Perhaps gaining confidence from prior reports of easily fooled marks, this novice assassin contacted Agent Nina under false pretenses, and proceeded to make an appointment in Nina's office. In the lion's own lair! A damp, watery lair, booby-trapped like One-Eyed Willie's galleon!

Agent Nina, only too happy to accomodate the dubiously skilled killer's request for a tete-a-tete, displayed calm as she met with her brazen assassin. A surveillance camera was deployed, resulting in a cat-and-mouse scene paralleled only by that one scene in Heat when Deniro and Pacino have coffee together. Agent Nina was able to extract all sorts of useful information: the killer's name, address, telephone number, place of employ, and the details of her physical appearance. The kill was fast. Gun pulled from drawer. Predator became prey. One shot to the neck. Assassin seriously injured, pride obliterated, and not likely to recover for at least 24 hours as of 12:30pm. Video will be uploaded to the Shadow Government's secure servers once our analysts complete their assessment of the new risk level.

Agent Jacques Bauer

Frankie the Hipster Slayer scores on Agent Brazilipole

I set Brazilipole up the bomb, and killed her with a style and flair not often seen outside of only the most professional assassin circuits. I hope it provides minutes of amusement. I will presume to win best video award, but hey...you never know. I look forward to receiving your praises, and to receiving my next assignment. Get used to my zest for streaming life giving water on the unworthy.

Video will come soon

Your minion, Frankie The Hipster Slayer

C17H21NO4 hung Aquaman out to dry...only to wet him again

C17H21NO4 met at forward base Alpha at 1700 to plan our strike on Aquaman. After a briefing, Agents suited up and moved to positions surrounding all exit points from the target's work. Agent C17 covered the entrance to the #1 train, which was on the same block as the target's building. Our plan was to have 4 operatives positioned in cars forward and aft of the target's subway car, with one operative in his actual car, advising on subject's position and movement. This roving tail would allow us to have the target surrounded upon exit from the train, moving forward operators to strike positions above the subway exit. Upon stepping foot onto non-safe soil, the target would have been neutralized from 3 positions, with a 4th providing covering fire in the event of an ambush or other hostile action.

Aquaman let us down by exiting his building and walking down Broadway as though he hadn't been involved in a 15-minute firefight in the front of his apartment building that very morning, as though he hadn't noticed that there were agents and an embedded journalist positioned outside of his house with UWVs, and as if he was totally unaware that he had made the train that morning with a mere 10 seconds to spare. Had he looked up, he would have been staring into the fire-filled eyes of Agent NO4 when the L train closed its doors.

Instead, he fell victim to routine. He didn't like the transition from 1 to L at 14th Street, so he chose to risk the 3 blocks of hostile territory at 1750 on a Tuesday afternoon. He was picked up within moments of leaving the building. NO4 fell in behind him while the remaining agents redeployed into support positions. The phalanx moved down Broadway and intercepted the target at 49th Street. With a polite, "Excuse me," Agent NO4 used his weapon to move an older man in a suit out of the way and executed the target.

"Target is down, I repeat, Target is down," was the rallying cry for the alcohol and Massive Attack concert that followed.

Comments (10)

NYC 2006

The Great Purge

October 10, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 07:16 AM

Current status...
Players remaining: 27
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (10)

It has been done.

I just finished going over the Master Wettings List. All the wannabe assassins that signed up and went 2 whole weeks without making two kills, the punks that didn't even make an attempt and those not cunning, lucky and tenacious enough are all gone.

The "best" 27 still stand...I use the word "best" loosely because as a collective, I must say I am pretty disappointed with NYC. Word up. I was expecting the hardcority of New York to show through this tournament, I was expecting my hometown to shame the other tournament locations, show 'em how killin' is really done.

But no.

Friggin' London killed more than you. I thought that we had definitively demonstrated our superiority in battle after that whole King George III incident...it seems times have changed. The British are more deadly now.

That said, the tournament is not over...I still have hope that there will be a deluge of Akkadian proportions...though I can't say I have much faith that said deluge willcome from the remaining players...

Perhaps the old adage is true...if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself...

Looks like I'm gonna be dusting off them guns...

In today's update

• High'N'Dry (2) ended the reign of Augustus (0)

Your daily kill stories

Note: As we're always very drunk here in the Shadow Government we, on occasion (often), miss a few kill stories here and there. Now, as you cats are weak-ass punk bitches that can't keep up the killin', in order to give you some amusement I will be posting a few of them "forgotten" kill stories.

Oh!

Also, Team High N' Dry is hereby cordially invited to lick my left nut, as they got the only kill today and did not submit a kill story.

So...

Without further ado...

Forgotten Kill Stories...

The Backdoor Bandit serenades us with a poem:

My spies saw you outside my apartment.

Yes, Captain Goldenshower and Super Bukkake Boy always find their man.

'Cute boy with a suit on to the left', they giggled.

My pistol is twice the size of yours, yet you really thought you had a chance with me?

See you in 24 hours, bitch.

Love, The Backdoor Bandit

(Oh yeah, and cut your goddamn hair. Hippies don't read The Journal.)

Frankie the Hipster Slayer went carnevale on the Brailipole

Upon receiving my target, I thought to myself..."She looks really familiar" After conducting a background search, I found that I went to H.S. with my target and an article about her burgeoning model career. I decided to contact her through an elaborate cover story...Here are the e-mails...

My EMAIL 1: Hi M(...), My name is Frank (...) . I am a THHS alum as well. I have started a little project that I think you might be perfect for. I have secured an investment recently for a pilot of a new reality game show. The show is a bit like America's Next Top Model only there is an equal if not more emphasis on brains as well as beauty.

Naturally, I first trawled my TH yearbook looking for quality candidates. I actually have one other Harrisite on board from my year who is a model. You probably don't know her though. I kind of have a photographic memory and remembered you being one of the few really beautiful girls in that school, so I Googled you, and, lo and behold I find you are already in modeling as well. Looks like Ms. Nix really showed you how to stay in shape;)

Anyhow, I can't really give too many details now, but I am hoping you might be interested. If you are I'd love for you to get in touch with me either by,myspace e-mail, or you can call my cell phone @ (...) anytime. I'll need to know your SAT score as well.

If you are interested in meeting to talk about the project, we can meet at my office at (...) sometime, or if your schedule doesn't allow that, we can figure something out.

Hope to hear back from you, Sincerely, Frank (...)

HER REPLY: Hi Frank,

Thanks for contacting me. I totally remember you - were you on track? Anyway an ANTM type intellectual tv show. Sounds intriguing. I'd love to know more about the project ie time frame, involvement, etc. My email's (...) or myspace is fine too but I have a crazy firewall at work and I can't access web based email so I'll be responding at night when I get home. I work in midtown from 9:30-6:30ish which should make a meeting easy. I'll have to look up my sat score (somewhere) I don't remember exactly what it was - but I don't think it was that great. (Don't know if that's a deal-breaker :)

Look forward to hearing from you, M.

My EMAIL 2: Hey Michelle,

I'm glad you remember me; Yes I was on track...oh those were the days. So, the time frame for the pilot is on the fast track as well. I don't have specifics as of yet as I'm still looking for 4 more candidates (if you know of any good ones let me know). I can give you more specifics about the show at the meeting, but I'll need to have you sign a confidentiality agreement first (legal bullshit, you know how it is) I think you'll be very surprised at how the show ends.

I would love it if you could give me a call , or e-mail me your number as soon as possible. The phone is just way easier for me to work with through all this craziness, and we need to meet soon. As of now I am available to meet all day tomorrow,and Wednesday, preferably at (...) as my camera person is there and it is a good space for filming. If you can make it, please let me know. You can call me anytime.

Hope to see you soon, Frank

PS. I doubt the SAT score is a deal breaker, it's just one stat we'll be looking at.

SOOOO... I met her at the assigned location, with an Agent of the Supreme Commander filming it all, posing as my cameraman. She mentioned she was in a hurry as she had something to do after the interview. I asked what, and she proceeded to tell me all about streetwars, as I feigned ignorance and asked her all types of enthusiastic questions about it. I even got her to give me her gun (disgraceful assassin etiquette BTW...shame on you!) and fired it a few times in the elevator ride (at least someone got to shoot her gun...) After getting her into the room, we filmed a mock interview for the show which I told her was called "Disarming Beauty" I thanked her for going out of her way to film it. "You have no idea how easy you're making this for me." I said at one point. At the end of the interview I launched into a diatribe about vanity being the downfall of all models.

"M...we both have a lot in common, both grew up in Queens, went to the same prestigious high school {I draw my gun, which does not seem to register in her mind right away} and we both work as assassins for the Shadow Government...

After a 5 second pause in which she realized she was set up the bomb;I thought she might cry, and I asked her if she had any last words. After another 5 second pause..."No"

So I shot her in the neck and face..an honorable death leaving no watermarks on her outfit. Live and learn young assassin. I expect you'll do better next time. Hopefully they release the video soon... and now for my next trick...

The Hipster Slayer

Globex de-apprenticed Travelgoat

target: TravelGoat team Globex assassin: Brock kill location: Inside the targets stairwell kill time: 8:29pm

synopsis: This was our toughest kill to date. Not because this assassin was a challenge, because he wasn't. For Christs's sake, he didn't even cary his gun like a wee bit of protection or a security blanket. All he had going for him, was an unusual schedule, a false sense of security, and that he got me as his assassin over the jew year. Ofcourse our target being the good little goy was MIA during the holidays and many hours of surveliance left me feeling hungry, not only because I too was fasting, but because I'd gone a whole week without a personal kill, and the team hadn't had one since Friday. I wanted revenge for making me wait so long. Where does this guy get the nerve to go about his daily routines oblivious to the fact that he had a hard working assassin waiting for him at home. Slaving over a hot loaded water gun, just oozing with anticipation, as I pump, pump, pumped it...I'm getting ahead of myself.

Suffice it to say, tonight was going to be the last night. I couldn't wait any longer and had resigned myself to waiting endlessly till my little lamb arrived for his wetting. And arrive he did, right into the stairwell I was so aptly hiding from him in. I guess he thought some fool would be waiting for him in the hallway and he was going to sneak in. But he simply walked right into my sights and as my stream projected right into his left eye, he lurched to run, but it was too late.

Done with the rest, now on to the next.

"To prey on thier fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill."

-Brock

Comments (22)

NYC 2006

It's peanut butter jelly time!

October 9, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 12:22 AM

Current status...
Total game kill count: 98
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (10)

Yes, it's after midnight on week two. That means, if you don't have two kills or if The Shadow Government has not deamed you worthy, you are dead. It's like a drunken game of grab-ass over here. I'm reassigning your targets, if the case need be. Do NOT proceed without word from The Shadow Government. Word is bond. Props to all the fine livered agents who showed up to Bushwick Country Club tonight.

In today's update

• H2 Uh-Oh (2) stuck in the Donuts (0) hole
  
• Wholesale Liquidators (4) gave the bidness to The Sparrow (3)
  
• Despite Yom Kippur, The Hebrew Hammer (4) eliminated both The Facilitator (1) AND Team Globex (4)
  
• Repler (2), whom I have no pun for, wetted UnAliaS (0)
  
• Team Shark (3) ate Spooky (0) like so much chum(p)
  
• The T.o.W. (1) said hello and goodbye to Escobar (0)
  
• Big Money (2) shot The Foot of Team Awesome Awesome (1)
  
• Team Awesome Awesome (1) laid waste to Ashtray (0)
  
• Pilot (1)went on a kamikaze misssion with Der Master-M�rder (1)
  
• Bushwick (10) eliminated all parties in Aegir's Maw (0)
  
• Blue (2) painted over Pink (0)

  Kill stories after the Van Halen song...

  Your daily kill stories

  Wholesale Liquidators (4) gave the bidness to The Sparrow (3)

  It's football season, and Wholesale Liquidators� is your headquarters for tailgate delectability!...

  Have you tried our Poultry Party Platters? Treat your family and
  friends to our exotic Sparrow with delicate mango chutney. The
  Sparrow is a delightful bird to watch and a difficult one to capture,
  but that doesn't stop our trappers from delivering this savory
  delicacy to you, our loyal customers. PETA and other annoying
  friends of The Sparrow protest it's capture, but truth and justice
  rule the courts of your appetite... mmmmmm good, plates dismissed!

  Here, now, is a word from our spokesperson, Oates!, of acclaimed duo
  Agents Hall & Oates...

  "While that diva ho-bag Agent Hall was getting a mani-pedi, your hero
  Oates! went all solo! I was like, Daryl, you can rock out with your
  cock out or sit out with your clit out. So I got me a backup band to
  hunt the Sparrow through a wildlife preserve, watchin' him, seein'
  his every move, yeah-ah. It was an intense hunt, predators and prey
  ducked in and out of shops along the protected area until the elusive
  bird escaped, unscathed. We regrouped, travelled to it's nest, and
  waited patiently. The Sparrow returned, with a wack ass
  environmentalist. When I pulled my gun, the tree-hugging hippie fuck
  shot me in the face. But, determined to deliver flavor and savings
  to you and your stupid family, I ate the assault, stayed focused, and
  shot the Sparrow dead a second before the bird bit back.

  "I learned a couple things from this mission: One, when it comes to
  finger-licking scrumptuousity, Wholesale Liquidators� is the Shocker
  of your taste buds. And two, I gotta renegotiate my contract, cause
  the only wetness Oates! takes to the grill is some juicy muff. Still
  rockin the 'stache, ladies. Still rockin the 'stache..."

  "unparalleled beauty...
  unbeatable performance..."
  WHOLESALE LIQUIDATORS�

  Merchants of Death�

  
  Despite Yom Kippur, The Hebrew Hammer (4) eliminated both The Facilitator (1) AND Team Globex (4)
  

  
  Dr. Pickles provided shitty images, and unlike my previous victims, successfly hidden his online identity. But all that didn't help him. I paid a visit to his hardware shop several hours after receiving my new target info from the SG. He wasn't there and I assumed he was hiding in the back. But I got enough information from this visit. When I ambushed him outside his place, I recognized him by his dog which I've seen in the shop only an hour earlier. With his father watching the event in horror, NS was slain today at approx. 5:30pm. With him the whole Globex Co. came down in way that made Enron's fall seem less disgraceful.
  
  HH

  
  Repler (2), whom I have no pun for, wetted UnAliaS (0)
  

  
  With many thanks to Agent Fukyamama for providing crucial intel on my target, I was able to take down Agent UnAliaS with a fatal water balloon from behind at 7:25pm. He was carrying a bouqet of flowers for the anniversary with his girlfriend, and I ruined his jeans. You should be wearing khakis anyway, Dan, it's your anniversary for cryin' out loud.

  On my way back to Hell's Kitchen I picked up three hotties at Rockefeller center. The details are classified for security purposes, but let's just say I gave these three ladies the ride of their lives.

  - REpler

  
  Team Shark (3) ate Spooky (0) like so much chum(p)
  

  
  Supremest, Mustached and last but not least L'il Abacus,

  Team Shark has rid the undersea world of yet another bottom feeder. Agent Hammerhead had been reminded just last week by the clever L'il Abacus about the tasty Moreby Bay Bugs way Down Under.

  Having never sampled the delicacies, Agent Hammerhead began the long, tortuous swim across the sea. This would be the farthest Team Shark had ever traveled in search of sustenance. After a first failed feeding attempt during which the Bugs sent out the shark alarm, this time we swam more quietly.

  Tonight, after more than 4 hours of circling as silently as a shark possibly can, Agent Hammerhead spotted the small quivering crustacean. The poor creature was stunned with the first strike and willingly surrendered.

  Alas, the feeding left Team Shark somewhat bitter as the Bug claimed to have quit being shark bait several days earlier. A lame lobster, indeed.

  Team Shark hungrily awaits your next underwater species targeted for extinction. We need to cleanse our palates!

  We remain, at your service,

  Team Shark

  Comments (1)

NYC 2006

How to make your penis soft.

October 6, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 12:18 PM

Current status...
Total game kill count: 86
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (8)

Apologies to you who came and expected the lovely and graphic talesof The Supreme Commander. He sent me a singing telegram this morning, waking me from my slumber in a round bed with satin sheets and a feather down. The messanger (which I had no patience for, especially since she did not get naked) sang to me that Sir had to take the company jet to Japan for an emergency hot springs soaking. Thus, I had to do his duties of reporting to you lot.

Before the kill reports, an announcement:

You suckers are afraid to come out? Can't handle the awesome drinking powers of Superme Commander and Li'l Abacus? We were very disappointed with some of you not showing your mugs last Sunday. We're giving you another chance.

Bushwick Country Club
618 Grand Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(Between Leonard and Lorimer)
718.388.2114

This Sunday, October 8th. 6pm until question marks.

Bring your bribes, yo.
Bonus points if you sport a mustache.
Those still alive are welcome to attend (we had two live agents show up last week and for their moxie, got rewarded).

There will be drink specials. Just mentioned StreetWars for two for ones on draught beer, wine and well.

AND another treat: Fake emails:

I've gotten reports of four instances where agents are prentending to be yours truly to lure their targets out:

"From: Li'l Abacus
Date: Sep 28, 2006 12:09 PM
Subject: Shadow Government Check-In
To: Agent

Agent,

On behalf of The Commanders and myself, we wish to request that youcheck-in with the Shadow Government this weekend. Saturday or Sunday? Suggest times. Details regarding location to follow.

Just know that fear = not good.

As you may know, many assassins wish to join the harem, and consume the finest of liquors. Take this as an honor.

If you have any questions, please forward them to me (lilabacuss@gmail.com), as The Commanders are too busy disqualifying
chumps/chumpettes.

--
Li'l Abacus
Shadow Government"

"From: lilabacus@email.com
To: Agent
Sent: Wednesday, October 04, 2006 11:26 PM
Subject: Check In...

Congratulations, gifted Assassin, on making it over a week without
being wetted. Your abilties are impressive, but they are about to be
put to a more difficult test. The time has arrived for a check-in.
The Shadow Government is arranging several meetings this week, and
requests your presence at the Cherry Tavern on 441 East 6th street
(between 1st and A) at 8 p.m. on Thursday the 5th. The place
doesn't serve food--so you'll be safe while you're there. Both your
target and your assassin will be in the East Village between 6-10
that evening, but neither one knows you'll be at the Cherry Tavern.
If you are killed before 8pm that night, don't bother showing up;
we've got better things to do.

__
Li'l Abacus
Shadow Government"

In today's update

• H2 Uh-Oh! (1) stuck it to The Backdoor Bandit (0)
  
• High and Dry (1) went low and wet for Captain Tab (0)
  
• The Sparrow (3) proved the better bird over YAAARRR, Have You Seen Me Parrot? (0)
  
• Don Logan (1) wetted Ginger (0), but not Mary Ann
  
• Crustyasses (1)spread his disease to Don Logan (1)
  
• Bushwick (8) went down under for Sydney (0)
  
• Apollo (2), son of Zeus, wetted Merge(0), son of a bitch.
  

You might as well jump...

Your daily kill stories

H2 Uh-Oh! (1) stuck it to The Backdoor Bandit (0)

After a total of 15 hours of stalking on 4 separate occasions at all hours, urination in a number of receptacles, a hit made on a roommate in a case of mistaken identity and a regrettable instance of breaking and entering (through an unlocked door), the very wily Benji K is no more.

He is a solid competitor and his tenacity and fire power is only paralleled by his keen cunnery. Let me begin by reviewing the instances past which illuminate the honor of BK. On my second stake-out of his place (the first ending in the aforementioned roommate slaying) my position was compromised by one of his many spies he had employed to deftly watch his block. Instead of being cautious and waiting until I had left he was able to lead me into a trap which would bring him 24 hours of glorious safety. On the third attempt I waited and watched behind tinted windows for approximately 7 hours straight. When he was spotted we engaged in a spectacular battle (which included cheering from on lookers and bewildered bystanders) both of us putting up a worthy fight so much so the confrontation had to be reviewed by the omniscient Mustache Commander in all his wisdom of cold blood lust. Regrettably it was determined I used illegal weaponry (inventive as it may be). I was discouraged but the zealot in me beat the shit out of the discoursed part and the stalking continued bringing us to the final battle:

My target knew what I looked like, was aware of my tactics and my options were waning. I began an elaborate plan which was quickly simplified by a stroke of strange luck that could have taken a turn for the worse.

To start, I employed the help of a female in the event I needed to distract him and I acquired a disguise. We waited at a bar next to his apartment before getting into the apartment building (another good reason to have a lady present because tenants willfully allow them through the primary building doors). We listened at his door. No sounds except for a distant television. Then a turning point (literally); the door was unlocked. Despite knowing breaking and entering is not sanctioned, nor cool in most situations it was clear what had to be done. I crossed the line, figuratively and literally.

The first step inside was met with a slow floorboard creak which I could hardly hear over my heart beat (not because I was nervous of course, but because my heart is so massively burly and muscularly powerful). Once in the kitchen I surveyed my surroundings quickly before I heard: �Hello? Is someone there?�

I drew my weapon (a neon derringer) and peeked around the corner. It was not my target. I either had a lot of explaining to do or a lot of real attacks to avoid. To make matters worse it didn�t help that my disguise was nothing close to someone that should be trusted under any circumstance in or outside of one�s home. Now, we were face to faux-hair-face.

�What the fuck?� is all he said at first. I did not reply as the same question was repeated at increased decibels. I made my way to the front door calmly and quickly but was unsure I would make it out un-tussled. I reached for the door handle at which point the roommate was within striking distance bellowing �Dude, what the fuck are you doing in my apartment!� the door knob broke off in my hand but the door opened. Knowing I had to address the fellow now behind me before he legally bludgeoned his intruder I handed him the door knob and realized the bit of levity the situation actually held. �Next time, lock your door� I said with a chuckle and smile then quickly headed down the stairs.

As I scrambled I heard commotion behind me and a final �What the fuck?�, before another voice from inside the apartment emerged due to the commotion.

�It�s gotta be him.� The second voice asserted.

�Who the fuck was that?� said the roommate.

�C�mon, stay infront of me.�

At this point I knew that was my target, he had a human shield and I had no place to go but down and out plus my female compatriot was no where in sight. I was on my own and knowing his super soaking potential versus my pea-shooter I had to cloak myself- fast. I got outside and jumped into a garbage can. It was just big enough to fit in but I was on top f some putrid contents. I heard footsteps clamor next to me down the outside steps and I burst out of the can as my mustache became dislodged. I fired but it did not go the intended distance. He turned. Fired back but I had already made a leap for the sidewalk at which point I was now being pursued. I ran. They followed. Many people on the sidewalk looked confused, some were amused, I was not one of them. I turned up 2nd av. trying to hail a taxi but understandably none would stop for my eerie panic stricken facade. �Into a bar!� I thought but there was a bouncer that asked to see my ID. Fuck that, no time. The target had already spotted me and we both knew he had superior fire power. Flight was again chosen in this case. Turning West on 14th I then crouched, waiting for him to follow shielded by the roommate who was now taking the hits for the target. A section of his weapon dislodged spinning across the sidewalk. He reached for it and I knew it was my last chance to act. It was quick, painless and might as well have been laser guided, three in the chest. It was over. He was a worthy adversary.

The Sparrow (3) proved the better bird over YAAARRR, Have You Seen Me Parrot? (0)

Dear Supremeo, Mustache, et Li'l Abs:

A kill report for your weary, but alert, eyes, on this sto'my night:

I write to report the demise of Team "YAAARRR, Have You Seen Me Parrot?"

Anyway, shut up at the back, I think it's "YAAARRR, Have You Seen Me Parrot?" is a cool team name. To eliminate this dynamic duo, I stood on the shoulders of giants, or at least on the shoulders of an evil genius plot dreamed up by their former assassin. The view was great. This fascinating scheme, which involved pentrating the lives, nay the very minds of Team Yaaarrr, led to a brief stake-out near one of the team member's apartments, followed by a wetting of both team members within moments of each other. The plot will not be revealed, for pure profit reasons. (Universal and MGM are battling it out for the rights to make a movie based on tonight's assassination: Coming, Summer 2007: "Awww Fuck Ye Got Me!" (Rated aRrrr)).

Team Yaaarrr are good people, so we adjourned to a neighbourhood bar for post-wetting pintage. We shared some intel. Fellow assassins will be curious to learn that team "YAAARRR, Have You Seen Me Parrot?" were next to Team Bwushwich Country Cwub in the assassination assignment queue that Sunday night in LIC so long ago. According to my ATAPOMS shipmates, Team BCC are all rather short, and like to wear geeky spectacles and plastic bags on their heads. We probably should all be embarassed that a team of Egon Spengler-Munchkin-Gimps with too much time on their hands are leading in this august tournament. Perhaps their Mommies (or Mommy) purposely never warned them about putting plastic bags on their heads. How very community minded of her.

Reschpect to Arrrrrrr!!!

A plus tard,

The Sparrow

Comments (12)

NYC 2006

Remember you need TWO kills to make it past week two

October 5, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 06:03 AM

Current status...
Total game kill count: 79
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (7)

After my routine 36 hour meditation/sparring session at Shaolin, I jumped on to the luxrious Mustache Concord Jet to head back to San Francisco. With sweat still being wiped of my freshly bruised and muscular back by my lovely personal attendants, I was confused when I flipped on the Mustache Mainframe to see...

Three kills?

Only three?

Did I get hit in the head with the Buddha's Palm one time too many times on this trip? That cannot be true? Can it?

Alas... with the cool mountain air of Mount Song still in my lungs, and my alertness still sharp after that 7 hour battle using only my left foot, and completely in tiger style... I sank into the normally comforting embrace of my attendants in my on-flight boudoir, resigned to the apparent weakness of my new batch of promising assassins...

Be warned

We are now mid way through week two. You need TWO kills to survive into week three. By 12:01am next monday, you need to have 2 kills next to your name to keep playing. In rare occasions, we MIGHT give you till the morning of Oct 9th, but don't count on it. Make sure you get your kills on time. And the rest of you, don't start barraging our precious Abacus with "is my assassin dead yet?" emails on Monday. We will announce a glorious List of the Dead on Oct 9th. Just wait for the posting.

In today's update...

• Wholesale Liquidators (3) smoked Team Hashish (1)
• Team Snuffdumpsters (3) put Alaskananny (0) to bed
• Sprout (2) took down Birdman (0)
  I was pleased with this story, as it had much drunkeness, and dedication - a fabulous combination of virtue and vice. Good work Sprout.

Read kill stories after the jump

Your daily kill stories

Wholesale Liquidators (3) smoked Team Hashish (1)

Wholesale Liquidators® asks you... Have you visited our new Bargain Basement Lounge?

That's right! While you shop, mosey over to our European-style cafe and cash in on this week's special:
Smoke Four Hashish Pipes For The Price Of One!

But first, take advantage of the 2-for-1 drink special while stalking your prey. Because when you've drunkened 6 double vodkas for the price of 3, the room starts spinnin', and you're about to empty your gun into that loud grundle-swab from Iowa at the end of the bar--you know it's the perfect time to enjoy one of our delicious Atkins cigarettes outside. The perfect time too for Agent JK, team leader of four, to get home and get dead.

Our Bargain Basement Lounge may cause you to see a few targets, and some pink elephants, but our rock bottom prices provide you enough ammo to shoot 'em all.

"unparalleled beauty...
unbeatable performance..."
WHOLESALE LIQUIDATORS®
Merchants of Death™

Sprout (2) took down Birdman (0)

It wasn't supposed to happen this way.....

Drunken Monkey:

I was supposed to head out to the targets home area to do some recon/stake out action around 4am...
I had some intel that he worked at 6am sometimes and thought today might be that day....

Unfortunately or fortunately I had some work last night and ended up drinking with some colleagues after, you know how it is,
you have one scotch, and then another, and then follow that with three Smithwick's..and suddenly it's 4am....too late to head out to the middle of nowhere
trying to catch a guy on his way to work.

Only one option....stake out work.  I hadn't been there yet so i figured at least I would get a little info on those surroundings and possible traffic routes in and out
of the building.  I did a once around the building and determined that there were maybe 2 entrances with a possible 4+ exits....fine ,it was still early and I decided to grab
some doughnuts, I know not the appropriate assasin fare, but drunken monkey's eat anything.....

At anyrate I sat in the Dunkin dougnuts for a half hour before going out again, in a feeble hope of catching my target...there were at least two ways he could be coming from
but having left him basically to his own devices for the last couple of days I surmised that he would not be too suspicious, so eventually I waited on the corner across the street from his work, following a direct line from the subway station.

Here there was minor traffic and eventually I saw one guy who I thought could have been him, he crossed the street and I hoped it wasn't, but I pulled out my target picture (drunken espionage at it's best) just to be sure. I placed it behind the newspaper I had ganked earlier and was inspecting it at the very moment my target walked across the corner, almost in disbelief I called out his name and reached for my gun....he turned around and I shot him, once, twice maybe three times just to be sure.  He looked at me in total surprise, expressing that he is never there before 7am..he said it twice and then gave me his card. I offerered to buy him a drink at same time expressing it was probably too early for him as he was about to go to work...It was a drunken offer... the sleepless city was just waking up...and there was nowhere to get another drink even if I wanted to.

I shook hands with the recently wetted and we parted ways.  time of death 5:31am.

I got home around 6am and called girlfriend to let me into the apartment. I had forgotton my keys.  Am I even being hunted...some times things are too easy.

Comments (17)

NYC 2006

Hard Rain

October 4, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 08:04 AM

Current status...
Total game kill count: 76
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (7)

Do y'all have any idea how hard a life I lead?

For example, last night I sent one of my servants to fetch me a warm Brandy so I could enjoy it whilst reading my OG handwritten copy of Ethica Eudemia in the comfort of my velvet covered, gold, skull throne (think Conan+Hugh Hefner). Anyway, this jackass comes back with my Brandy a full 2 degrees colder (fucking CELCIUS at that) than what I asked for. WTF? I had to beat that cat six ways to Sunday...in my travels, the one thing I have learned is that the underclasses learn real freackin' quick with a li'l violence - now I have a fucking sore foot from kicking his freakin' ass all night.

Fucking help.

...And just now, I was in the middle of loving one of my many, and ridiculously hot, concubines long time and I noticed that I had not updated you cats with stories and such. So, Bam! Coitus Interruptus and here I am. I hope you all are happy, I'm still turgid as I write this...

In today's update

• Guns'N'Hoses (2) rocked Ykarious (0) like a hurricane
• Globex (4) took one more step towards city domination by liquidating TravelGoat (0)
• The Repler (1) went all liquid Hiroshima on Agent Fukyamama(0)
• Dead Cell (3) sunk the ship of a weak-ass pirate, Blackbeard (0)
• Dead Cell (3), after descurvifying the pirate also wettified Fresh Chango (1)
• Dog Face Magoo (3) irrigated the canals of Vordy (1)
• C17H21N04 (2) hooked, dried off and then rewetted Aquaman (0)
• Raven (1) let the air out of the tires of Matron leader of Heldentod(1)

Your daily kill stories

Wait!

Before the stories a little message from one assassin to his killers:

From Agent CrustyAsses:

Message for my new assasins:

Ahh so I see that the stakes have been raised and a team of female assasins (possibly a third male) have been hired to hunt me down. I just wanted to point out three things to youse:

A) chicks are an inferior species than males, so you already know what the end result will be. Mind as well give up now and go back to cooking.

B) Instead of using fancy gadetry like digital cameras to zoom across the block to identify me, try just looking straight ahead. Also I don't know if you were trying to pose as tourists, but if so try looking like one instead of a hippie from the Village. You guys stood out like a Injun at a 7-Eleven.

C) Did I mention chicks are weak and have a feeble mind?

Ok...Now the kill stories...

Dead Cell (3) sunk the ship of a weak-ass pirate, Blackbeard (0)

He died(again) at 802 this morning. Upon finding out
that we had to take him out. I decided it was time for
me to once again kill. I allowed my teammates to
handle it for 3 days after the whole ruling incident.
It was time to end this. I headed to his school around
630 am this morning. We were going to form a web
around his buildings when they opened. I knew i had to
kill him before his invinciblity kicked in. A sleeper
cell and I made it to the square 730 we did a quick
sweep of the area and then i planted him near an
entrance. I swept the sides of the street. Another
Teammate took a post across the street from where i
told him to be.Why? i do not know. Anyway mr
illustrator stuck out like a sore thumb because he did
exactly what i yell at my teammates for doing. He was
walking around with his hoodie up. He would have
gotten inside the building had it not been for the
security guard who wanted to see his id. That woulda
changed the whole operation. even though i had a full
list of possible rooms this kid could be in. But the
second he put his bag down i came around the corner. I
shot a brutal H2o load on his face so much so that it
dripped off his glasses and the only witness could
smile . I am sorry supreme commander i forgot to lay
the afghan goggles on him as discussed but i just
wanted to be in and out. We have along way to go catch
up

Dog Face Magoo (3) irrigated the canals of Vordy (1)

Team Dog Face Magoo reports that Brian Vorderbrueggen was wetted down by Agent Nina after the team had put in hours of recon work on our charming target over a period of several days. After failing to catch our man Monday night, the team knew we would have to change up our strategy. Agent Nina posed as a prospective renter in Brian's lovely luxury building. After being given a tour of the entire building, Nina was able to stay seated in a plush leather chair in the building's lobby for an extended period of time. Bladder overflowing (almost), and stomach rumbling, Nina decided she was weak, she had had enough of this shit, and left the building. Feeling dejected and low, she asked a kindly man for a lite for her stogey and began to walk in the direction of the train...and the direction of the target's office...At 7:05 her man appeared on the same side of the street, looking nervous, and carrying "something or other" under his jacket. She knew in an instant she had him. She let him walk by. She turned, just as he was reaching for his gun, and shot him in the back. His gun had jammed. It was a close call for Nina, for brian was a worthy adversary. They chatted it up, exchanged war stories and parted ways. Brian, Team Dog Face Magoo salutes you. We are now going to get shit faced while sippin' on gin and smoking some sweet sweet greens.

DFM

The Repler (1) went all liquid Hiroshima on Agent Fukyamama(0)

It's official, time of death - 6:24 PM.

Agent Fukyamama was a tough customer - I've never had so much trouble getting a girl wet before. Apparently this one never comes home and likes to sleep in. What can I say - tonight was the night. I nailed her right after work. She took it like a good girl. I squirted one off all over her gorgeous legs. It all happened so fast, but when it was over we were both left shaking from the experience.

She put up one helluva fight, tho. I had to chase this bitch (I mean that in the nicest way) through rush hour traffic up Lexington and she fuckin threw a goddamn dumpster on wheels at me. Those fuckers are heavy and hurt like hell when it comes into contact with my kneecaps.

REpler

Guns'N'Hoses (2) rocked Ykarious (0)

At approximately 9:41 in the PM, one Agent Gimp [LINK REDACTED - pointing to the bondage loving of the killed agent] was shown the ropes of how not to be an assassin when he was picked off outside the PATH train station in Jersey. After gaining entry into Agent Gimp's chamber I waited patiently for several hours in his hallway. Feeling as though he might elude me by staying at a friend's place I began to retreat back to the big onion. On the way down to the escalator in the station, the face of my target emerged before me heading up the stairs. Eureka! I quickly began to run up the descending escalator like a hamster on a wheel. A few steps outside the station, BLAZAAAM!! Lets just say that he's a step closer to getting into water porn now. Bring on the next freakaleak.

Comments (26)

NYC 2006

How To Fuck

October 3, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 07:22 AM

Current status...
Total game kill count: 68
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (7)

I am actually embarrassed for you that I even have to make this post.

I would have thought that all that porno watching and peeping your parents banging through half-open doors would have made this post unnecessary. Obviously, I was wrong.

So, listen, take it from someone that has (a) killed lots of people; and (b) probably had sex with your mom.

Assassining is much like the sex making, you want to attack ravenously, but you gots to be sure that you can keep the intensity up until the end.

You kids are like one who enters the pussy without sufficient stamina to contain the nut butter for more than a few pumps.

You started out great, I thought you were real superstars, but in the past few days, I have been more impressed by my bowel movements [pics available upon request] than I have been by you...but at least some of you have been killing...

The first week of the tournament is complete and those of you that haven't done what you were supposed to do will be like *totally* pimp-slapped out of the game.

[some exceptions may be made...IF you actually put work into wetting your target...if you DO NOT get an email from me kicking you out of the tournament, consider yourself spared]

You are poor excuses for assassins...seriously, it kinda makes me physically ill just thinking about you. I can feel the bile rise in the back of my throat with each letter I type writing about you and your non-exploits.

*spit*

Even that can't get the foul taste of your lack of skills out of my mouth...it's like a mixture of cheap booze and hooker-spit. Is it really so hard to find someone and wet them? Actually, not even wet them - just *try* to wet them? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Entry into the world of professional assassins requires, at the minimmum, dedication...dedication you must not have.

Go back to the comfort of your couch...find the nice impession of your ass and nestle in it once again, eat your Doritos and kick back and relax. Watch the action shows on TV and movies and rest easy knowing that if you were ever in that situation, you would fail, just as you did now.

Like your parents, I am disappointed in you.

Perhaps, next time you will be more agressive and dedicated.

Sigh.

Despite my repugnance at your lack of wetting, it pains me to see you go, as I would have liked all of you to have experienced the thrill of the hunt. Alas, it is not to be...this time...

To those of you that made it past the first week, I offer my heartfelt congratulations. No easy feat to last this long...many have fallen to the liquid justice doled out by their fellow competitors...and more will soon fall by the hand of the Rogue Assassins.

But enough of my masturbating your eyes with my fancy words, time for me to get all sorts of up in the Harem and time for you kids to get jiggy with some player stories and the game update.

Kill stories after the jump.

In today's update

• Jorge Salsa (1) irrigated the face off Jimmy Conway (0), extra humiliation points as Conway was team leader of the team formerly known as Goodfellas
• Wholesale Liquidators (2) bukkaked Evaporator (0)
• The Sparrow (2) dropped bombs from the sky, crappifying the day of Shadow Catcher (0)
• Agent Orange (2) went all Vietnam flashback on Vivian Darkbloom (0)
• Team Bushwick Country Club (7) gangbanged pjenroute (0) in the mouth (Is anyone going to be able to put a stop to this killing spree?)
• Humperdink (1) doused the flames of Firestarter (1)
• Admiral Killjoy(1) redundified Aquatic Ninja (0)

Your daily kill stories

Wholesale Liquidators (2) bukkaked Evaporator (0)

Don't know what to get that special someone for Yom Kippur? Let Wholesale Liquidators� help... with luxurious watches to die for, this week on sale!...

Maybe he isn't a surfer. Maybe he doesn't dig on asian chics. Maybe that isn't his girlfriend feeding his cat. Maybe you shouldn't follow her in a cab. Maybe that isn't even his apartment. And maybe that's him coming out right now while you're arguing about it.

Timing is everything and now's the time to buy the Wholesale Liquidators� Equalizer�... Don't call it coincidence. This beautiful timepiece always makes sure you're down to the second. How? It only reads High Noon, time to whack that motherfucker.

So he might not understand "Surf's up, [Jason]!!!", but he'll understand this... A dirtnap. And savings!

"unparalleled beauty... unbeatable performance..." WHOLESALE LIQUIDATORS� Merchants of Death

Jorge Salsa (1) irrigated the face off Jimmy Conway (0)

As of Saturday night Zubin Nagpal has been removed. His kind of answering of the door to a not so innocent inquiry for solo cups from a not so existent neighbor didn't work out for him. Being the team leader of his sorry bunch of "Goodfellas", that puts his entire team to rest. Please inform me of my next target.

Agent Jorge Salsa

The Sparrow (2) dropped bombs from the sky, crappifying the day of Shadow Catcher (0)

It was an extremely cool kill, and the result of some careful detective work: I figured out the names of the people in his building by drinking in some nieghbourhood bars. Ultimately, the kill was cool: it hinged on whiskey (for neighbours) and smoking (to get Target to windows).

Admiral Killjoy(1) redundified Aquatic Ninja (0)

01 October 2006 1745 Local

As target was returning home from a weekend trip, target remained outside, unprotected, long enough for positive identification. Target proceed to walk up an embankment as assassin broke cover from across the street, using passing traffic and parked vehicles to disguise approach. As target reached for the front door, it was then the target realized he was unarmed as he finally faced his assassin. To say the target begged for mercy would be absurd, but the target did request quarter, for the targets young son was upon us. Instead of annihilation from a water balloon at point blank range, the assassin opted for the honorable and stealthy shot from a concealed pistol to save face and humiliation. Without honor an assassin is just a petty murderer. The target died worthy of a heroes lament. No joy in this kill.

Admiral Killjoy

Team Bushwick Country Club (7) gangbanged pjenroute (0)

At 8:08 agent PJEnroute was eliminated by way of Buzz Bee (R) Firefly (tm). Bushwick Country Club agents observed agent Enroute in his place of residence. As he exited the building's front door he met his watery demise. We are awaiting further instructions.

Humperdink (1) doused the flames of Firestarter (1)

I will not divulge my secrets, but let it be known that Firestarter will spark no more. He was a worthy advesary, but in the end he was left gurgling on the sidewalk in my watery wake.

I eagerly await my next assignment, so that I may prove to the most worthy Shadow Government that such delays in carnage will not recur.

-Agent Humperdink

Agent Orange (2) went all Vietnam flashback on Vivian Darkbloom(0)

i dedicate this kill to my goddess, my one and only deity...

vivian darkbloom was eleminated by agent orange my goddess called while i was shooting vivian. almost a divine intervention. almost.

overall a rather boring kill even though days were spent in preperation.

Comments (9)

NYC 2006

Where the hell are my pictures!

October 2, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 05:41 PM

Hey, you guys ever hear of those new fangled "digital camera" thingees? You know, some of them fancy mobile phones of yours got it built in. You can TAKE PICTURES with it.

Listen, I am an immigrant to your great country and I don't read too good. I prefer having my harem masterbate me while reading picture books damn it! Video is even better. We demand to be entertained!

And if you feel the need to be more stealth, upon request, we can withold your pictures from being posted till you either win or die.

Right now, the BEST VISUAL KILL award is just sitting pretty there on in my massive library (of picture books), waiting for you to claim it.

Don't any of you have the vanity to want to capture your moment of glory for all of StreetWars history to remember?

GET TO IT ASSASSINS!

Comments (3)

NYC 2006

Less wanking, more killing... please...

October 1, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 05:00 AM

Current status...
Total game kill count: 57
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (5)

Week one is almost over, and more then a quarter of you have gone quietly to the waysides, drinking with the dead, and discussing with awe, how amazing REAL assassins are.

Speaking of real assassins, Team Globex upped the ante by taking down TWO assassins in the short span since our last update. They are making a good run at Bushwick Country Club, who is still holding steady by adding to their lead with one more kill (total of five).

Now, the kill leader race asides, only 43 of you have gotten any kills at all. What are the rest of you up to? Home watching re-runs of Will & Grace? Jerking off to internet water porn?(nsfw)

Less wanking, more killing please.

In today's update

• Mr. Six (1) stuck it to ShermStick (0)
• Globex (3) cooled down Village Heat (0)
• Fresh Chango (1) read Dostoevsky to Ze Idiot (0) till he fell asleep
• Team Shark (2) wetted on Il Padrone(0)
• Team Shark (2) delicatedly erased DelicateZero (0)
• Team Bushwick Country Club (5) took down one more member of the Drunked Redheaded Sluts (0)
• Firestarter (1) gave a Sweetback (1) a watery set back
• El Matador (1) screamed "OLE!" and Charrington (0) charged to her chagrin
• Agent Stealth (1) swatted/wiped Agent Fly-On-Shit (2)

Kill stories after the jump.

Your daily kill stories

Mr. Six (1) stuck it to ShermStick (0)

Most noble Commanders, both Mustachioed and Supreme,

I'm writing to report the liquidation of Agent Sherstick.

The last four days were filled with anxiety and frustration - anxiety over whether or not I'd have a chance to draw a gun on my target, and frustration over the special circumstances under which my hunt was taking place. The target had lucked into what seemed like a dream situation for a game such as ours, with an apartment directly above the bar he worked at. At first glance, it was a dire situation indeed. Some recon was in order.

After much study of the target's habits while working, including one night spent in his bar and drinking the wine he brought us, I determined a weak point: He often stepped outside to help customers or to walk to the bar next door. It wasn't much, and it wasn't the grand battle I was hoping for, but it appeared that I were to dispense with him in the first week, it would have to do.

After missing him last night, I swung by his bar again earlier this evening. While mingling with the crowd outside behind the oh so simple mask of a fine cigarette, he walked out to take an order. On his way back in I stepped up and said his name. He looked up, and I fired at his heart.

It was a discreet, quiet kill. Had any one been watching they would have thought I was asking for the time.

Agent Sherstick was a perfect gentlemen about the whole thing. He ran inside to get me his card, wished me good luck with the rest of the game, and sent me on my way with a smile. Couldn't have asked for a nicer target, really.

I await my next assignment with great anticipation.

Globex (3) cooled down Village Heat (0)

I chilled in front of her work for a couple of hours after confirming by phone that she was in the building. My teammates gave me the intel that her office hours ended at 6pm (learn to sweet talk your secrataries!) so I waited. I even went as far as to go to her floor, but at about 5:50pm I was literally ten feet in front of her building entrance pretending to hail a cab, luckily it was rush hour on madison ave and 50th and there was no cabs to be found! From this vantage point I easily spotted her walk out her building at 6:05pm. I then proceeded to follow around her safe block till she crossed 5th ave and I nailed her in the middle of the intersection. She utterd the same words as our last kill, which was two blocks away, " Oh Shit!"

and now....she's gone!

FLip Dog

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Fresh Chango (1) read Dostoevsky to Ze Idiot (0) till he fell asleep

My cover job as an attorney with a white shoe Wall Street law firm is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that it affords me an aura of respectability that grants me access to certain circles without arousing suspicion.  A curse in that it regularly demands large swaths of my time, thus taking away from my opportunities to stalk and liquidate.

Anyhow, today I found myself in the rare position of leaving the office before most respectable folks are in bed.  In full alter-ego lawyer-garb, I immediately proceeded to 85th and York, the intersection nearest my mark's abode.  Not knowing his schedule, I pretended to make calls and be engrossed in my Blackberry, all the while keeping his front door in my peripheral vision.

I was soon distracted, however, by the Irish pub next door. Unable to resist, I went in and ordered a Brooklyn.  Bad omens immediately, in that the keg had just been changed and the beer foamy.  I had to settle for a Blue Moon.  I moved near the window on the long hope that my target would pass by.  Two smoking girls, smoking, were outside.  Standing next to my mark.  Could I be this lucky?  I went outside and pretended to be on a call, telling the non-existant party on the other end that the bar was cranking Aerosmith and so I had to go outside.

To maximize my stealth, my weapon of choice is a small hand-held, the equivalent of a water stilleto, for the savory close kill.  I weighed whether to ask the girls for a smoke, to stand next to my target, but I saw the butt of his weapon sticking out of the edge of his bag.  I had to play it cool, so I went inside to figure out my next move.  As I reentered the bar, he left.  "Fuck me" I thought. I had to act quickly.  I followed him for two blocks, down to 82nd, and headed towards 1st from York.  He was about halfway down the long block, so I did a crouched jog down the middle of the road, dodging cabs and parked cars.

He was waiting for the light to change.  I crept up, and called his name, squirting him as he turned.  Kill!!!

A gentleman, my mark.  He was on his way to stalk his target.  We spoke briefly, exchanging out Streetwars tales.  I headed to the bar for a well-deserved cocktail as he headed back the way he had come from.

Team Shark (2) wetted Il Padrone(0)

Team Shark dined out again this evening.  After exhausting the menu over three nights at the delightful French bistro across the street from the lair of the squid, we could no longer contain ourselves. 

Menu

• Appetizer: "Baked" Calamari
  
• Entree: Stunned Live Squid Sushi
  
• Dessert: Pizza, a nice Chianti and Coffee Ice Cream

The evening's highlight was the magnificent display of Agent Hammerhead's efficient Squid Neutralization technique while Agent Mako continued plotting global domination.

The squid earned our lasting respect before its untimely visit to Davy Jones' Locker with its vehemence towards its own prey and its Southern hospitality.

Team Shark is still hungry and the ocean is deep.

Team Shark (2) delicatedly erased DelicateZero (0)

Agent Hammerhead was growing weary of calamari day after day.  Wouldn't a late lunch of stringray be a welcome change?

The stingray fought valiantly but its