NYC 2006

StreetWars Wrap Party. BE THERE!

February 3, 2007 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 04:12 PM

Location: Laszlo's @ 2534 Mission St between 21st and 22nd st
Date: Feb 11th, Sunday
Time: 8pm and on

Don't miss the highlight event of the SF Assassin calendar. This is where all the top assassins come to see and be seen.

Features include:

• No bullshit cover charge. We are rich enough, thank you.
• The full original kill circle revealed, with photos!
• Awards ceremony
• Your chance to admire/make-out with the Commanders.

There will also be:

• Some awesome DJ, but I forgot who. But either way, guaranteed to make the girls freak
• Drink specials
• The always fabulous GoGo behind the bar.

We encourage:

• Bring thy friends. Everyone, player or non-player, is welcomed
• Costumes are good. Sexy costumes are better. Sexy costumes involving mustaches or gold, double betterer.
• Getting hella wasted.
• You might want to call in sick on Monday... just saying...

Comments (285)

NYC 2006

The Death of the Supreme Commander

October 24, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 09:14 PM

You have no idea how much it hurts to relive the events of my death...and yet, the horrible events leading to my demise must be chronicled...

Thankfully, the winner of the tournament, aside from having excellent control of a water gun also has excellent control of language and has seen it fit to write up the story of my death so all you non-winners can see how it is supposed to be done.

Thankfully I have an infinite number of lives...I'm too damn strong to kill permanently. So, enjoy this victory while it lasts...

And now, without further ado...the story of my death...

This is my final kill report.

The playing field was thinned dramatically between the start of week three and the beginning of Sudden Death. It dwindled from 10 to five during Sudden Death. The stage was set for the final battle with the few that remained.

An eight floor parking structure in LIC. Fucking brilliant. I'm hard pressed to think of a more fitting setting. Maybe an abandoned correctional facility, but that could be the hangover talking.

I arrived at the designated area about 12:00. Not knowing what to expect or who was watching I very carefully made my way up to the top floor.

The next to arrive were The Wholesale Liquidators. Shortly after, with Security in tow, the Supreme Commander himself. They circled the garage for a bit, coming up to our floor and returning to lower floors several times.
The three of us took cover in a stairwell. Outside, there was no cover save for whatever cars were parked there. Very carefully we exited the stairs and began to make our way around the garage. We ducked into another set of stairs and we heard the door below us open. I pulled my pistlero and fired a few shots into whoever it was.

It was Black Lung, an agent of the Shadow Government. He informed us that the game was starting, and that the Commander was beginning his ascent from the third floor.

I'm not sure how much time had passed, but the next half hour or so was filled with taking cover, shoot-outs with Rogue Assassins, and searching for our quarry.

Then I saw him. He had two body guards with him (I later Iearned they were unarmed cameramen) so I proceeded very carefully. He ran for a stairwell about halfway between us. I took my shot and fell short. He had made it to the stairs. He was still dry.

I was pretty sure he was on the seventh floor, I retreated there as well. Seeing it was empty I quickly made my way back to the top level. Then I saw him again. This time though he was on the opposite side of the garage.

I broke into an all out sprint and closed the distance in a few seconds. The entire time I was thinking one of us was going to get wet.

He took cover against the outside of a stairwell, I approached, and we both fired the riot blast from our guns (why did I tell him how to improve its firing range last night? If I didn't I would have had the range on him. But I told him, and his gun was now equal to mine).

There was an awesome hail of water. We thought we both missed and the shoot-out continued. Empty, we had to re prime our weapons. I *should* have realised my reservoir was dry and charged with my pistolero while he was pressurizing. I didn't. I tried to re-arm my gun first. By the time I went at him he was ready for me. We both fired. Mine fell short. His didn't.

However in the aftermath we noticed something...

His back was wet. I hit him with my initial shot.

It was over.

************

Special thanks to Ramy for putting up with me during Streetwars, my targets, my assassins, my colleagues at IS 7, Wholesale Liquidators for being totally cool, and the Shadow Government for making it all possible.

Yours in sub-rosa,

Mr. Peter Stevens
Congress Occultus

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

Like Scarface...

October 21, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 02:53 PM

Current status...
Supreme Commander Wet
Game Over
PARTY TONIGHT

Still recovering from wetness.
Winner will be revealed at party.

RSVP LIST CLOSED

I need to poo.

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

Posting Will Be Coming a Bit Late...

October 20, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 08:12 PM

Exactly that suckaz.

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

Apocalypse

October 20, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 05:39 PM

A note from the sexy desk of The Supreme Commander:

*I will be telling you my plans for the evening by 8:30pm - I am going to die tonight�not easily or quietly, but tonight -one way or another- I would like a winner.*

*P.S. I ask that you give me a worthy death*

Now, on to the events of last night...

It was not easy, but I made it out last night, had a few drinks and got back home dry.

For those of you that couldn't make it and those of you following the tournament, here is a very brief recap of the shit that went down last inght:

Many drinks.

Two high speed car chases.

One "neutralization".

One unexpected death.

One death handed out by bodyguards.

Construction site car battles.

Mud running.

I will likely write another posting later, when I am better rested, sexified, massaged and more in control of my words and fingers, elucidating the details of the evening�

Mad respect to all of you that made it out , it was a fucking fun night. You kids really stepped up the game anotch�or perhaps this is what I should expect from hungry players in the final round. You may not be great at killing me, but hot DAMN you fuckers give a great chase!

I must take a moment to give a special testicle tickle to those of you that stepped up and helped out last night�it was kickass hanging with you (and drinking with those of you still alive and trying to kill me) and if not for your efforts I doubt I would have made it home dry (granted, it's a very small doubt, as I have copious skills and jet-packs to assist in my get away-ing - but still�thanks.).

�and not that it really matters, as I am well-nigh impossible to find here but, only my work building is safe for me now.

You got mad advantages�perhaps now you'll be able to do something inspiring.

Bring it bitches!

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

My Plans For The Evening...

October 19, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 08:54 PM

Current status...
Total Tournament Participants: ~220
Number of Players in Sudden Death: 7
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (11)

You kids kinda suck.

Granted, I have been disguised most of the time, but this is kinda pitiful...save for an unsuccessful attempt this morning...

Meh...this leaves a taste like stale cigarettes and hooker spit in my mouth.

So, I'm gonna make it even easier for you...

I will be going out in a little bit (it's 10pm now) to a BAR in LIC. There is a so-called "titty" style bar on the same street...I might stop in there for a minute as well. I think there's some white slavery type shit going on in that joint - sleazy place, hot eastern european women. Strange...but hot.

Still Dry,

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

Slow Singing, Flower Bringing et al

October 19, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 09:09 AM

Current status...
Total Tournament Participants: ~220
Number of Players in Sudden Death: 7
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (11)

3 kills.

Three of you fell to my assassins yesterday...

Phire
Agent Nina
Frankie the Hipster Slayer

What were you thinking? That yer gonna catch me with brute force? By hanging out in my stairwell? Come now, have a bit more respect than that.

If you want to get me try some slickery. You will have more luck...trust me. You'd be better off following me and trying to get me off-site than attacking at one of my "listed" locations.

That's my advice.

As of 5pm the "home" safe zone is gone.

Another update about my movements soon.

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

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NYC 2006

One down.

October 18, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 12:19 PM

A note from the desk of The Supreme Commander:

"Sudden Death begins and already one of you has fallen attempting to take my dryness from me. Irrigated like crops by the Duchess.

Phire was a brave and ballsy assassin� alas, in the end he was also unlucky. 3 weeks this assassin survived, through sweat, blood and no tears, he evaded the Rogues, he killed one of his targets two times (a necessity due to target's douchebaggery - note to target: you still owe us a bribe you cheap fuck!) and once teams were eliminated, he gave his teammate a fighting chance and took him out honorably (not the same can be said for the rest of you teams�).

The above excellence aside, he was also able to identify Shadow Government HQ before any of you� in fact, he knew where to look before he was even in Sudden Death.

How was such a pimp-skilled assassin killed? His gun fucked him (not literally mind you�well�at least not literally then - I have no idea what he does in the privacy of his own home�). He saw the Duchess approach him, while aiming dead center at her sumptuous breasts, he pulled the trigger� and his gun misfired. [I hear that many men have this problem when confronted with beautiful women in tense situations - performance anxiety I believe they call it� I think they have either pills or therapists for that sort of thing.] The Duchess did not laugh at his misfortune, she just showed him how one is supposed to properly use a gun.

Respect to you Phire, you played a good game - not great, cuz I'm still dry, but still, good."

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NYC 2006

Let's Get It On...

October 17, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 11:46 PM

Current status...
Total Tournament Participants: ~220
Number of Players in Sudden Death: 10
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (11)

SUDDEN DEATH!!!

Like my scrotum here it is in a nutshell:

I made like Santa with the list, checked it twice - there are the naughty fuckers that made it to Sudden Death (in drenching order):

Wholesale Liquidators
Agent Orange
Dead Cell
Team Shark
Dog Face Magoo
Mr. Peter Stevens
C17H21NO4
Bushwick Country club
Look Over Your Shoulder
Frankie the Hipster Slayer

PAY ATTENTION HERE:

Your targets are still active.

But...

That's not your main goal...

To be the best, you've got to beat the best.

I am the final target, you wet me, you win.

Oh!

I almost failed to mention...like any Head of State, I will have a security contingent with me (most of the time - hehe) and they can irrigate you. They can be neutralized for 15 minutes (only applies to the assassin that pesonally neutralized the body guard. The body guard is still free to wetify all other players), but they can also take you out of the game by wetting you...

Some of my information be emailed to you shortly after Midnight, along with more detialed rules on Sudden Death.

You will get more intel on me and my movements daily. I strongly suggest you check your email and the blog periodically.

This shit is gonna separate the punks from the playaz.

Kill stories shortly.

Let's play.

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

P.S. I'm not home yet.

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

Cinderella

October 17, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 07:43 PM

Current status...
Total Tournament Participants: ~220
Number of Players in Sudden Death: 10
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (11)

Finish scrubbing that floor and cleaning the toilets, suckaz - Sudden Death begins tonight at midnight.

Expect an email with Sudden Death details around midnight. I will also be posting the publicly released Sudden Death rules here at the same time...a post that will also contain a game update - there were quite a few unlucky souls that got they asses wettified right as Sudden Death was beginning...

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NYC 2006

StreetWars Wrap Party This Saturday!!!

October 17, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 08:02 AM

Your Mission:

To hang with some of the most bad assed mother fuckers in town, and of course, Supreme Commander and Mustache Commander. Drink lots, make out with strangers when least appropriate, look fly, and just rock out with your cocks out (in SPIRIT people, not literally, unless... well... nevermind...).

If You Are Not A Player and Want to Roll You MUST RSVP!

The Location:

Dirty Disco
248 West 14th Street

The Date:

Saturday, Oct 21st starts at 8:00pm. Winners and prizes presented at 'bout 9:30pm, give or take a few shots of tequila.

What to Expect:

• Free Drinks!!! [Thank you Cuervo]
  
  


• The full round robin revealed! All the player pics will be revealed
  in the context of the original kill order. FUN!
  
  


• Award ceremony for the winner
  
  


• A chance to meet all
  the other players
  
  

Dress Code

Assassin, ninja, or something of that nature. Extra points awarded to any and all mustaches.

Who can come:

Everyone! You don't need to be a player to come. Feel free to invite your friends.

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NYC 2006

The Road To Sudden Death

October 16, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 12:34 AM

All Targets are still active.

...and here we are...just a few steps from Sudden Death beginning in earnest...a few more "house cleaning" changes before you suckaz get to start hunting me...

The first big change in the "house cleaning" process only affects teams...

PAY ATTENTION HERE:

I promised you shit would change in Sudden Death.

Like Highlander, there can be only one.

As of right now, TEAMS NO LONGER EXIST.

This means that you can now (finally) kill your teammates. In close calls, the aggressor gets the tip of the hat on kills.

Have fun!

I'll have a little suprise for the players with only two kills tomorrow...give one of you suckaz a chance to get into Sudden Death. I'll tell you this...keep Tuesday evening free...

Now, time for sloppy drunken sex...

Until tomorrow.

I remain,

Your truly,

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

So Close...

October 15, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 01:25 PM

Keep in mind the StreetWars Awards/Wrap party will be on Saturday October 21st in Manhattan. Details dropping on Monday, but I can guarantee you free free-flowing liquor...

The time is almost here for Sudden Death and for one assassin to rise to the top of this crapheap of NYC assassins and become the definitive winner of StreetWars NY 2006...

As you well know, you need 3 kills to enter Sudden Death in order to prove your worth as an assassin and to show you have more than just n00b 5k1llz.

It hurts me to hear that some of you are hovering at 2 kills, yet are foaming at the mouth to enter the Sudden Death round...and so I shall give you 2 chances to do so...

You have 24 hours to come up with that 3rd kill...if you do not get one in 24 hours, there may be another chace for ONE of you to make it to Sudden Death.

I will post details on that once the 24 hour period expires...though I may give details to those of you that come to the Drinks for the Dead at the Bushwick Country Club tonight...

-TEAMS-
There will be a huge change coming on for you as of Sunrise Monday. I will post what it is late tonight.

Once this final group is set, Sudden Death will begin in earnest on Tuesday.

That's right children, quit yer squabbling and name calling, daddy's coming home and I'm aching to put a liquid spanking on you...

Nuggets in my pocket, wine in my hand
I got it like that, but you still don't understand
It comes to me natural, it comes to me easy
I just lay back and let the water gun lead me
I never work a day in my life
Single brother, no kids, no wife
100,000 wettings from one hand, that's many
But back where I come from, they ain't worth a penny
You've got a lot of talent, but you fail to see
You paid for yours, I got mine for free

Play in the rain and don't get wet
Walk through the desert and don't even sweat
Play in the snow and don't get cold
I've got ladies uptown and money on the floor
There's not a damn thing in the world that I'm askin' for

Believe dat.

See you Tuesday, suckaz.

A collection of kills and kill stories will be posted this evening...there is a reason for the non-release of information...

I STRONGLY encourage you to read the blog again late this evening, I will be posting a HUGE change to the game in preparation for Sudden Death.

Mwaahahahahahahahahahahaha...

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

The Last Drinks for the Dead Before Sudden Death

October 14, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 04:45 PM

Bring yer drinking mouth, this is the last Drinks for the Dead before the End of Game/Awards Party. Which will be on Saturday Octiber 21st and feature free drinks. Keep the date open, location to be dropped on your domes on Monday.

Assassinated? Lonely? Crying ghost or zombie tears?

Come celebrate your death in the most proper and classiest of fashions...by getting shit-ass wasted!

Bushwick Country Club
618 Grand Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(Between Leonard and Lorimer)
718.388.2114

This Sunday, October 15st. 6pm until question marks.

• Bring your bribes, yo.
• Bonus points if you sport a mustache.
• Those still alive are welcome to attend - if you are that confident in your skills to show your face in a concentrated area of assassins.

I might even drop some extra knowledge on Sudden Death if I get wasted enough...

Update on kills later...I'm busy torturing someone now.

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

Didi mao!

October 13, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 10:59 AM

Current status...
Players remaining: 22
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (10)

You punks have three days. Three days to make your kills before Sudden Death. I could go on calling you lot wieners, but that doesn't seem to be motivating you. What motivation could I give you? Naked photos? A bubble tea franchise? My Li'l Hanzo sword? A chinchilla coat? Such things pale in comparison to your pride.

In today's update

• Los Murderosos (3) wetted Repler (2)
  
• Mr. Peter Stevens (3) stunted Sprout (2)
  
• Wholesale Liquidators (5) smashed The Hewbrew Hammer (4)
  
• And in overdue news: Pilot (3) bushwacked two members of Bushwick Country Club (10) last week

  Your daily kill stories

  Los Murderosos (3) wetted Repler (2)

  At 1845 Tuesday night one Robert Epler was eliminated by one Mathematical Impossible outside his place of work.

  The best attacks are launched under the cover of darkness and in inclement weather. This was one of the best attacks. Since my target lives in the building next to me I have not been able to stake him out at his apartment, relying instead on stakeouts of his place of work. Unfortunately there are two exits to his building and only one Mathematical Impossible, making the stakeout a game of Streetwars roulette. Last night, on the third stakeout, my target's luck ran out. Mathematically speaking his wetting was overdue.

  I knew the bad weather would put my target at ease - after all, what kind of psycho would stand outside someone's building in the rain just to try to spray water on them? Mathematical Imposssible is precisely that kind of psycho. The rain and darkness made it difficult to ID the target, so I stood right outside the main entrance of his building, hid behind a column and waited. At approximately 1845 my target came outside. I was not sure if it was him, but since I was about to call it a night anyway due to serious chilidog related intestinal problems, I decided I was going to soak this guy regardless. I moved in behind him as he stepped off the curb and called his name. Like a true assasin he ignored me - at first. Then he turned his head towards me ever so slowly, glanced at me and took off running in a burst of manic speed. Since I had decided I was going to wet this person no matter who they were, I was already reaching for my gun. He didn't take more than two steps before my drops of death joined the NYC rain dripping down his
  back.

  He was a very nice guy, with good assasin isntincts. He had two kills under his belt already, pretty respectable for a lone assasin. His mistake was thinking that no one was going to stalk him in the rain. His misfortune was that his dossier was given to me.

  Mathematical Impossible
  

  
  Wholesale Liquidators (5) smashed The Hewbrew Hammer (4)
  

  
  Dear Shadow Government, I have failed you. I am dead. I am sorry for failing you.

  Agent Oates deserves winning this game just for the kill he made tonight. I'm a genius and he outsmarted me. I thought I had all my bases covered but he managed to find a weakness in my elaborate defense. Just so you'll understand what he managed to overcome, let me give you some details. The entrance to my home is wide open and inviting like a 12 years old girl in Bangkok. I haven't seen it since the game started. My daily route back home includes two electronic id swipes; unlocking doors with fingerprints and codes; underground tunnels that are not accessible to the public; entering a campus 5 blocks away from my place; going through a private pedestrian bridge that connects the campus and my building complex; entering a different building in the building complex; going down to the cellar; crossing the cellar to my building; taking the elevator to the fifth floor (I live on the third floor); sending the elevator empty back to the third floor; going down by foot to the third floor and soaking who ever might be waiting for me there. I did this every day, even when I came back at 5am, even when it meant making a half an hour detour in the rain. I also changed my appearance so much some friends fail to recognize me. Yes, I am paranoid. But not paranoid enough to get away from agent Oates. Supreme, Agent Oates deserves your praise. He deserves your gold. He deserves your Harem.
  Everybody else, you might as well quit now.

  And Li'l, on a side note, I apologize for failing to dedicate a kill to you.

  SC, MC, and Li'l
  It was a rare pleasure serving under you,
  HH
  

  
  

  
  Wholesale Liquidators� encourages you to... Check out our Hardware
  Department, where our tools aren't just solid, they're... Divine!
  Blessed by a genuine rabbi, nothing beats nailing a Hebrew Hammer,
  and nobody but Wholesale Liquidators� offers you this exquisite
  instrument of construction! But if you're looking for fluorescent
  over-sized guns or some novelty toy parade, you're in the wrong
  department, dunny. We use the real tools of the trade: wits,
  stealth, focus.

  Ask Oates!, your hardware specialist!...

  Hebrew Hammer was damn near flawless. No living assassin had ever
  seen him. His cunning defense stifled his pursuers; he left them
  miscues and baits that made them think they were closing in, when
  they were simply chasing their tail. Three days ago I began work on
  nailing the Hammer. I received intel from his previous
  assailants... Nothing. It was all dogshit. Everything the previous
  assassins had on him was fabricated or a trap. Not even the
  slightest idea as to what hours of day he worked. Online there was
  even less. My target was the real deal, he was way ahead of the
  game. I knew I couldn't underestimate a damn thing and no sense in
  trying to get close, this was all about finding cracks in the armor.

  Hebrew Hammer's tactics were perfect. That's precisely how I could
  kill him.

  I plotted out the most perfect way to enter and exit the building
  from his apartment. I also figured that he'd be ready for all the
  obvious sniper nests along the route...

  "I knew that at some point someone would wait for me along my daily
  route back home. The pedestrian bridge, the cellar, the playground in
  my building complex, the elevators in my building, the stairway next
  to my apartment, just outside my door. I was always ready to shoot..."

  Agent Hall was deejaying, so I was solo. My first tactics were to
  cover a lot of possible entrances at the same time--I guarded
  staircases by listening to vacuum-suction effects created by other
  doors in the stairwell, and used window reflections to cover other
  hallways and entrances--but this was spreading myself too thin. I
  knew for all the advantages I tried to take, he'd be ready and
  quicker. What I needed was one focused strategy. Let him get
  comfortable along the route and then break him when he least expected
  it. The problem was, every possible ambush was accounted for.
  Except for one...

  22 L 26

  I don't think I'll ever forget those stupid fucking digits. 22 L 26
  are the numbers I stared at unflinching for 6 hours in the vacant
  lobby of the adjacent building. Three elevators, three floors, three
  numbers. I was banking on my theory that Hammer, after the bridge,
  takes the elevator on floor 3, and travels down to the cellar. I was
  waiting on L, the floor he never stops at, in between those floors.
  I kept the left and right elevators settled at floors 22 and 26, just
  so they didn't fuck up my plan. I kept the middle elevator on L. If
  Hammer took the elevator from the 3rd floor, the one sitting on L
  would go up. When he pushed C (for cellar), I could intercept it
  from the lobby by pushing the down button. Six hours of staring at
  22 L 26... I kept thinking about vagina to stay awake, and I kept
  getting hard, standing alone in that silent lobby.

  ... At approximately 3:15am, Hebrew Hammer arrived home. He walked
  down the hallway from the bridge, got in the elevator, and pushed the
  button for the cellar. The doors opened at the Lobby. Nobody
  there. I waited out of view, to the side, in case his gun was up.
  When I saw a hand reach for the button to close the doors, I side-
  stepped and shot him once in the chest. That was the first time I
  ever laid eyes on Hebrew Hammer, when he was dead.

  Take it from Oates! If you want to build a perfect trap out of a
  perfect escape route, our experts can help you. If you want to build
  toys for newspaper write-ups, or you want to play squirt games with
  British hacks, try Walmart.

  "unparalleled beauty...
  unbeatable performance..."
  WHOLESALE LIQUIDATORS�
  Merchants of Death
  

  Comments (0)

NYC 2006

World War III.

October 11, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 10:55 PM

Current status...
Players remaining: 25
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (10)

You guys are shitty. That's all I have to say. See, even Londoners are coming in here taunting you. And that whole country is made up of the gays. You want the king of England coming into your house, pushing you around and having his way with your woman with his uncircumcised penis?! Fuck no. Then grab your water gun and soak that bitch. (If you get oral from a Brit, can you get gingivitis in the bathing suit area?)

In personal news, I made a delicious mixed micro green salad with a citrus vinaigrette for The Supreme Commander for his second lunch, only to have him throw it at me. He then lectured that salads, much like excercise, are for women. Angry and still hungry, SC demanded I make him an entire Thanksgiving dinner. He took his supper al fresco, in front of an orphanage in East Harlem.

In today's update

• Look Over Your Shoulder (3) wetted MC Pee Pants (1)

  Your daily kill stories

  Look Over Your Shoulder (3) wetted MC Pee Pants (1)

  The shadow government informed me I had less than 24 hours to make my kill before Agent Dickbag (not real agent name) was leaving on business until Sunday. After reading all the UK vs. US bullshit on the blog I figured it was time to pony up and make America proud. So I took off from work, staked out his building with two exits, acted nonchalant, which I've perfected, and followed him from a distance. Target was clean shaven (unlike his picture) and his hair was a little shorter too. He walked out of the safe zone to use the bank machine. I waited for him to turn around to identify the kill and when he came out I shot him. Pretty simple really. Gun misfired a little but he didn't even attempt to go for the 30lb per cubic inch Water Tazer he had in his man purse. He was nice and handed over his card. Sometimes it's perfecting the simple things that's the most difficult. Word up to the wise.

  Agent Look Over Your Shoulder
  

  Comments (0)

NYC 2006

Got To Be Startin' Something

October 11, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 07:16 AM

Current status...
Players remaining: 27
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (10)

Remember back in the days, when niggaz had waves
Gazelle shades, and corn braids
Pitchin pennies, honies had the high top jellies
Shootin skelly, motherfuckers was all friendly
Loungin at the barbeques, drinkin brews
With the neighborhood crews, hangin on the avenues...

It seems like those days are back...

NO KILLS TODAY!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!

What the fuck?!!?!?

This is the first time this has happened since 2004.

I have taken shits that were more deadly than you cats. I was thinking that once the "fat" got cut you would be going on a wetting spree. I was expecting danger and excitement...now all the danger and excitement is in my golden toilet bowl.

Perhaps I should just give the framed golden water gun and the title of NYC's Deadliest Assassin to my feces.

Hiding is the way of the coward, not the assassin. Meet your foes head on, wet them first, embarrass them. Walk into certain death confident that your skills are superior and you can survive - that is the mark of a true assassin.

True, the London assassins died in great numbers and you did not (as noted in the comments from the last blog), but that was a demonstration of true Bushido.

For inspiration, peep the story of Torii Mototada, whose decision to stand guard over Fushimi Castle in August 1600 against vastly numerically superior forces of Toyotomi Hideyoshi as an act of loyalty and honour to Tokugawa Ieyasu despite almost certain death. He cited Bushido as his reason for doing so and encouraged Tokugawa to flee with the main force of his army. In a moving last statement addressed to his son Tadamasa, Torii described how his family had served the Tokugawa for generations and how his own brother has been killed in battle. In the letter, Torii stated that he considered it an honor to die first so that he might give courage to the rest of the Tokugawa warriors. He requested that his son raise his siblings to serve the Tokugawa Clan "in both ascent and decline" and to remain humble desiring neither lordship nor monetary reward.

Anyway...here are some more "Forgotten" Kill stories...

In today's update

• No one got killed

Big Money invested in water on behalf of Agent 860

My Rolex swept past 7:40 quietly as the train rolled into the station. I finished debriefing my mistress on exactly what I was going to do, and when I was going to do it. She seemed a bit nervous... probably from watching all those episodes of Alias. I wasn't nervous though. I watch 24. Upon clearing the subway stairs I told her, "okay, we're going dark now." She understood and immediately started talking about her day at the office. The restaurant looked nice. It was a place I'd passed at least hundreds of times in the almost seven years I've lived in New York, but had never bothered to dine. The two of us stopped in front of the door and reviewed the Asian-fusion menu; I glanced inside to try to recognize my mark. No sign of him yet, but we weren't supposed to meet until 8pm. Killing time. That's what I need to be doing right now. I decided to take a stroll around the block to Best Buy and checkout Sony's new 1080p HDTV. The cool wad of cash was burning a hole in my pocket, but I needed to focus. It was too early for celebrating, but just about the time to hose down a rookie.

Three days earlier I didn't think it would all be so easy. After picking up my contract from the Commanders, I immediately started researching. The Internet was my best friend now. The satellite and aerial imagery I began obtaining started to paint a clear picture for me. The picture was that penetrating this guys Bushwick stronghold would be virtually impossible. Our day-job fronts were along the same hours, so his vulnerabilities were mine as well. I could not give up. I had no choice but to dig until I found a way for my enemy to come to me. After hours of sifting through data being siphoned off of the Net from spiders designed to research my mark, I hit something. His education would be his undoing. It was a detailed list of classmates from a graduate course taken over a year ago. It was all there. Their names, phone numbers, email addresses. After very careful consideration, I decided one particular name was the least likely to still be in-touch with my target. My target's name, after all, was amazingly generic. Another obstacle in obtaining relevant information. This person, however, had an impossibly foreign name. Perhaps it was shameless profiling, but there's a time and a place for everything. I created a new email account for faigtofig@gmail.com. Faig then wrote a nice email to Justin, my unsuspecting target, about a new opportunity.

------------------

Hi Justin,

It's Faig from your Pub. Design class. I was hoping you could help me on a freelance project coming up. If you're too busy, just let me know. This is rather last minute, but the person I had to do the job just backed out, and I know this is sort of in your area of expertise. Let me know if you're available for a 10-15 hour magazine cover comp job next week. It's a start-up, but they're in a bind and aren't being cheap about it anymore. I hope to hear from you!

Faig

------------------

After almost a full day of thinking my plan had fallen through, I finally caught a glimpse of hope.

------------------

Faig,

How goes it? I am currently living in Brooklyn NY. Would this be a project that could be done remotely? Also, would we be working collaboratively or would I be working on the cover alone?

Hope all is well Talk to you soon

Justin

------------------

He bought it! Now I just had to close the sale. But how? After a surgically selected volley of emails between Justin and who he thought was his old classmate, we made made plans for dinner. I let Justin choose the venue. I wanted him to feel safe and comfortable. He selected the NoHo Star on Lafayette Street. I replied specifying that I'd see him inside. There is a subway station right outside of that restaurant, and I didn't want him to have easy access to a safe zone if something were to go awry. The plan, however, was in motion; all I could do is wait.

My date and I greeted by the hostess. She thought she knew us, but I insisted it was our first time at the establishment. Right then I identified our rookie target. He looked a little nervous. Then again, he was sitting alone in a restaurant waiting for someone he apparently did not know very well. The waiter came over to bug us almost instantly. Jutting a menu in my face, he asked if I'd like anything to drink. I needed to stay sharp right now, so I ordered a Leffe. Grabbing his arm I then told him, "I'm putting this note in a menu for my friend over there. Just give him the menu and walk away. Say nothing." He was surprisingly agreeable and did as I said.

As he walked away, I reached into my jacket for one of my secure cell phones and dialed Justin's number. He glanced down at his phone instantly, but ignored the "Restricted Number." Now with my positive ID, I left my seat and made my way towards the restrooms. Just then the waiter passed me and headed towards my target's table. I followed about 15 paces behind. Justin took the menu and immediately opened it. As I came nearer, watching him open the neatly folded dossier sent from the Supreme Government, he read my personal message. "Nice to soak you! -- $Big Money$" Just then a glimmer recognition came over his face. My Jr. sized pistol, moist with anticipation; I raised my arm and fired into his back. His head dropped... in shame. It was over.

---

After the kill, Justin and I had a good laugh and he joined my date and I for dinner. He was after all, alone. Once I explained the Faig wasn't coming and that there was no freelance job, it all started to come together for him. He, as I would have been, was just happy that someone actually tricked him and he wasn't just popped by some punk catching him leaving his building. He didn't get a chance to get his own card, but he got to hang on to the note, which was his photo dossier and even the little pink gun that took him down. He went out with a bit of class. That is, after all, why Big Money is here.

-----------------------

Big Money weave a mighty web
Big Money draw the flies

How Nizris got smoked

I was ambushed today (Wednesday, September 27, 2006 @ 9:30 am) by an elite group of assassins, possibly the former Nizari group known as Fida'is. I knew the Shadow Government had gold but I did not realize you had so much gold to hire such a group. I believe you have surpassed my former employer, Cobra Commander in stature. Your money was well spent as only the elite could take me down. I have no doubt in my mind this group will go on to win.

They had a game plan that was executed well. It is for them to tell of their execution of the plan as they might use the same tactics on their next target(s). An assassin never reveals another assassins tactics unless that assassin kicked your pet monkey or something like that.

I had a plan that I didn't stick to this one time, I felt something was up but it was too late... The earth will cry today for its loss and I no longer have to live in fear. Hopefully the Shadow Government will use the Re-Animator technology and bring me back to life. As for the drinks I was offered by the group, e-mail me when it is best for you, as I know you guys take time to plan your game.

Ciao, Agent Nizaris.

Dog Face Magoo flip the script on their assassin

Agent Nina of Dog Face Magoo, disguised under deep cover as a regular office worker, received credible intel regarding their pathetically would-be assassin. Perhaps gaining confidence from prior reports of easily fooled marks, this novice assassin contacted Agent Nina under false pretenses, and proceeded to make an appointment in Nina's office. In the lion's own lair! A damp, watery lair, booby-trapped like One-Eyed Willie's galleon!

Agent Nina, only too happy to accomodate the dubiously skilled killer's request for a tete-a-tete, displayed calm as she met with her brazen assassin. A surveillance camera was deployed, resulting in a cat-and-mouse scene paralleled only by that one scene in Heat when Deniro and Pacino have coffee together. Agent Nina was able to extract all sorts of useful information: the killer's name, address, telephone number, place of employ, and the details of her physical appearance. The kill was fast. Gun pulled from drawer. Predator became prey. One shot to the neck. Assassin seriously injured, pride obliterated, and not likely to recover for at least 24 hours as of 12:30pm. Video will be uploaded to the Shadow Government's secure servers once our analysts complete their assessment of the new risk level.

Agent Jacques Bauer

Frankie the Hipster Slayer scores on Agent Brazilipole

I set Brazilipole up the bomb, and killed her with a style and flair not often seen outside of only the most professional assassin circuits. I hope it provides minutes of amusement. I will presume to win best video award, but hey...you never know. I look forward to receiving your praises, and to receiving my next assignment. Get used to my zest for streaming life giving water on the unworthy.

Video will come soon

Your minion, Frankie The Hipster Slayer

C17H21NO4 hung Aquaman out to dry...only to wet him again

C17H21NO4 met at forward base Alpha at 1700 to plan our strike on Aquaman. After a briefing, Agents suited up and moved to positions surrounding all exit points from the target's work. Agent C17 covered the entrance to the #1 train, which was on the same block as the target's building. Our plan was to have 4 operatives positioned in cars forward and aft of the target's subway car, with one operative in his actual car, advising on subject's position and movement. This roving tail would allow us to have the target surrounded upon exit from the train, moving forward operators to strike positions above the subway exit. Upon stepping foot onto non-safe soil, the target would have been neutralized from 3 positions, with a 4th providing covering fire in the event of an ambush or other hostile action.

Aquaman let us down by exiting his building and walking down Broadway as though he hadn't been involved in a 15-minute firefight in the front of his apartment building that very morning, as though he hadn't noticed that there were agents and an embedded journalist positioned outside of his house with UWVs, and as if he was totally unaware that he had made the train that morning with a mere 10 seconds to spare. Had he looked up, he would have been staring into the fire-filled eyes of Agent NO4 when the L train closed its doors.

Instead, he fell victim to routine. He didn't like the transition from 1 to L at 14th Street, so he chose to risk the 3 blocks of hostile territory at 1750 on a Tuesday afternoon. He was picked up within moments of leaving the building. NO4 fell in behind him while the remaining agents redeployed into support positions. The phalanx moved down Broadway and intercepted the target at 49th Street. With a polite, "Excuse me," Agent NO4 used his weapon to move an older man in a suit out of the way and executed the target.

"Target is down, I repeat, Target is down," was the rallying cry for the alcohol and Massive Attack concert that followed.

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

The Great Purge

October 10, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 07:16 AM

Current status...
Players remaining: 27
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (10)

It has been done.

I just finished going over the Master Wettings List. All the wannabe assassins that signed up and went 2 whole weeks without making two kills, the punks that didn't even make an attempt and those not cunning, lucky and tenacious enough are all gone.

The "best" 27 still stand...I use the word "best" loosely because as a collective, I must say I am pretty disappointed with NYC. Word up. I was expecting the hardcority of New York to show through this tournament, I was expecting my hometown to shame the other tournament locations, show 'em how killin' is really done.

But no.

Friggin' London killed more than you. I thought that we had definitively demonstrated our superiority in battle after that whole King George III incident...it seems times have changed. The British are more deadly now.

That said, the tournament is not over...I still have hope that there will be a deluge of Akkadian proportions...though I can't say I have much faith that said deluge willcome from the remaining players...

Perhaps the old adage is true...if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself...

Looks like I'm gonna be dusting off them guns...

In today's update

• High'N'Dry (2) ended the reign of Augustus (0)

Your daily kill stories

Note: As we're always very drunk here in the Shadow Government we, on occasion (often), miss a few kill stories here and there. Now, as you cats are weak-ass punk bitches that can't keep up the killin', in order to give you some amusement I will be posting a few of them "forgotten" kill stories.

Oh!

Also, Team High N' Dry is hereby cordially invited to lick my left nut, as they got the only kill today and did not submit a kill story.

So...

Without further ado...

Forgotten Kill Stories...

The Backdoor Bandit serenades us with a poem:

My spies saw you outside my apartment.

Yes, Captain Goldenshower and Super Bukkake Boy always find their man.

'Cute boy with a suit on to the left', they giggled.

My pistol is twice the size of yours, yet you really thought you had a chance with me?

See you in 24 hours, bitch.

Love, The Backdoor Bandit

(Oh yeah, and cut your goddamn hair. Hippies don't read The Journal.)

Frankie the Hipster Slayer went carnevale on the Brailipole

Upon receiving my target, I thought to myself..."She looks really familiar" After conducting a background search, I found that I went to H.S. with my target and an article about her burgeoning model career. I decided to contact her through an elaborate cover story...Here are the e-mails...

My EMAIL 1: Hi M(...), My name is Frank (...) . I am a THHS alum as well. I have started a little project that I think you might be perfect for. I have secured an investment recently for a pilot of a new reality game show. The show is a bit like America's Next Top Model only there is an equal if not more emphasis on brains as well as beauty.

Naturally, I first trawled my TH yearbook looking for quality candidates. I actually have one other Harrisite on board from my year who is a model. You probably don't know her though. I kind of have a photographic memory and remembered you being one of the few really beautiful girls in that school, so I Googled you, and, lo and behold I find you are already in modeling as well. Looks like Ms. Nix really showed you how to stay in shape;)

Anyhow, I can't really give too many details now, but I am hoping you might be interested. If you are I'd love for you to get in touch with me either by,myspace e-mail, or you can call my cell phone @ (...) anytime. I'll need to know your SAT score as well.

If you are interested in meeting to talk about the project, we can meet at my office at (...) sometime, or if your schedule doesn't allow that, we can figure something out.

Hope to hear back from you, Sincerely, Frank (...)

HER REPLY: Hi Frank,

Thanks for contacting me. I totally remember you - were you on track? Anyway an ANTM type intellectual tv show. Sounds intriguing. I'd love to know more about the project ie time frame, involvement, etc. My email's (...) or myspace is fine too but I have a crazy firewall at work and I can't access web based email so I'll be responding at night when I get home. I work in midtown from 9:30-6:30ish which should make a meeting easy. I'll have to look up my sat score (somewhere) I don't remember exactly what it was - but I don't think it was that great. (Don't know if that's a deal-breaker :)

Look forward to hearing from you, M.

My EMAIL 2: Hey Michelle,

I'm glad you remember me; Yes I was on track...oh those were the days. So, the time frame for the pilot is on the fast track as well. I don't have specifics as of yet as I'm still looking for 4 more candidates (if you know of any good ones let me know). I can give you more specifics about the show at the meeting, but I'll need to have you sign a confidentiality agreement first (legal bullshit, you know how it is) I think you'll be very surprised at how the show ends.

I would love it if you could give me a call , or e-mail me your number as soon as possible. The phone is just way easier for me to work with through all this craziness, and we need to meet soon. As of now I am available to meet all day tomorrow,and Wednesday, preferably at (...) as my camera person is there and it is a good space for filming. If you can make it, please let me know. You can call me anytime.

Hope to see you soon, Frank

PS. I doubt the SAT score is a deal breaker, it's just one stat we'll be looking at.

SOOOO... I met her at the assigned location, with an Agent of the Supreme Commander filming it all, posing as my cameraman. She mentioned she was in a hurry as she had something to do after the interview. I asked what, and she proceeded to tell me all about streetwars, as I feigned ignorance and asked her all types of enthusiastic questions about it. I even got her to give me her gun (disgraceful assassin etiquette BTW...shame on you!) and fired it a few times in the elevator ride (at least someone got to shoot her gun...) After getting her into the room, we filmed a mock interview for the show which I told her was called "Disarming Beauty" I thanked her for going out of her way to film it. "You have no idea how easy you're making this for me." I said at one point. At the end of the interview I launched into a diatribe about vanity being the downfall of all models.

"M...we both have a lot in common, both grew up in Queens, went to the same prestigious high school {I draw my gun, which does not seem to register in her mind right away} and we both work as assassins for the Shadow Government...

After a 5 second pause in which she realized she was set up the bomb;I thought she might cry, and I asked her if she had any last words. After another 5 second pause..."No"

So I shot her in the neck and face..an honorable death leaving no watermarks on her outfit. Live and learn young assassin. I expect you'll do better next time. Hopefully they release the video soon... and now for my next trick...

The Hipster Slayer

Globex de-apprenticed Travelgoat

target: TravelGoat team Globex assassin: Brock kill location: Inside the targets stairwell kill time: 8:29pm

synopsis: This was our toughest kill to date. Not because this assassin was a challenge, because he wasn't. For Christs's sake, he didn't even cary his gun like a wee bit of protection or a security blanket. All he had going for him, was an unusual schedule, a false sense of security, and that he got me as his assassin over the jew year. Ofcourse our target being the good little goy was MIA during the holidays and many hours of surveliance left me feeling hungry, not only because I too was fasting, but because I'd gone a whole week without a personal kill, and the team hadn't had one since Friday. I wanted revenge for making me wait so long. Where does this guy get the nerve to go about his daily routines oblivious to the fact that he had a hard working assassin waiting for him at home. Slaving over a hot loaded water gun, just oozing with anticipation, as I pump, pump, pumped it...I'm getting ahead of myself.

Suffice it to say, tonight was going to be the last night. I couldn't wait any longer and had resigned myself to waiting endlessly till my little lamb arrived for his wetting. And arrive he did, right into the stairwell I was so aptly hiding from him in. I guess he thought some fool would be waiting for him in the hallway and he was going to sneak in. But he simply walked right into my sights and as my stream projected right into his left eye, he lurched to run, but it was too late.

Done with the rest, now on to the next.

"To prey on thier fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill."

-Brock

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

It's peanut butter jelly time!

October 9, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 12:22 AM

Current status...
Total game kill count: 98
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (10)

Yes, it's after midnight on week two. That means, if you don't have two kills or if The Shadow Government has not deamed you worthy, you are dead. It's like a drunken game of grab-ass over here. I'm reassigning your targets, if the case need be. Do NOT proceed without word from The Shadow Government. Word is bond. Props to all the fine livered agents who showed up to Bushwick Country Club tonight.

In today's update

• H2 Uh-Oh (2) stuck in the Donuts (0) hole
  
• Wholesale Liquidators (4) gave the bidness to The Sparrow (3)
  
• Despite Yom Kippur, The Hebrew Hammer (4) eliminated both The Facilitator (1) AND Team Globex (4)
  
• Repler (2), whom I have no pun for, wetted UnAliaS (0)
  
• Team Shark (3) ate Spooky (0) like so much chum(p)
  
• The T.o.W. (1) said hello and goodbye to Escobar (0)
  
• Big Money (2) shot The Foot of Team Awesome Awesome (1)
  
• Team Awesome Awesome (1) laid waste to Ashtray (0)
  
• Pilot (1)went on a kamikaze misssion with Der Master-M�rder (1)
  
• Bushwick (10) eliminated all parties in Aegir's Maw (0)
  
• Blue (2) painted over Pink (0)

  Kill stories after the Van Halen song...

  Your daily kill stories

  Wholesale Liquidators (4) gave the bidness to The Sparrow (3)

  It's football season, and Wholesale Liquidators� is your headquarters for tailgate delectability!...

  Have you tried our Poultry Party Platters? Treat your family and
  friends to our exotic Sparrow with delicate mango chutney. The
  Sparrow is a delightful bird to watch and a difficult one to capture,
  but that doesn't stop our trappers from delivering this savory
  delicacy to you, our loyal customers. PETA and other annoying
  friends of The Sparrow protest it's capture, but truth and justice
  rule the courts of your appetite... mmmmmm good, plates dismissed!

  Here, now, is a word from our spokesperson, Oates!, of acclaimed duo
  Agents Hall & Oates...

  "While that diva ho-bag Agent Hall was getting a mani-pedi, your hero
  Oates! went all solo! I was like, Daryl, you can rock out with your
  cock out or sit out with your clit out. So I got me a backup band to
  hunt the Sparrow through a wildlife preserve, watchin' him, seein'
  his every move, yeah-ah. It was an intense hunt, predators and prey
  ducked in and out of shops along the protected area until the elusive
  bird escaped, unscathed. We regrouped, travelled to it's nest, and
  waited patiently. The Sparrow returned, with a wack ass
  environmentalist. When I pulled my gun, the tree-hugging hippie fuck
  shot me in the face. But, determined to deliver flavor and savings
  to you and your stupid family, I ate the assault, stayed focused, and
  shot the Sparrow dead a second before the bird bit back.

  "I learned a couple things from this mission: One, when it comes to
  finger-licking scrumptuousity, Wholesale Liquidators� is the Shocker
  of your taste buds. And two, I gotta renegotiate my contract, cause
  the only wetness Oates! takes to the grill is some juicy muff. Still
  rockin the 'stache, ladies. Still rockin the 'stache..."

  "unparalleled beauty...
  unbeatable performance..."
  WHOLESALE LIQUIDATORS�

  Merchants of Death�

  
  Despite Yom Kippur, The Hebrew Hammer (4) eliminated both The Facilitator (1) AND Team Globex (4)
  

  
  Dr. Pickles provided shitty images, and unlike my previous victims, successfly hidden his online identity. But all that didn't help him. I paid a visit to his hardware shop several hours after receiving my new target info from the SG. He wasn't there and I assumed he was hiding in the back. But I got enough information from this visit. When I ambushed him outside his place, I recognized him by his dog which I've seen in the shop only an hour earlier. With his father watching the event in horror, NS was slain today at approx. 5:30pm. With him the whole Globex Co. came down in way that made Enron's fall seem less disgraceful.
  
  HH

  
  Repler (2), whom I have no pun for, wetted UnAliaS (0)
  

  
  With many thanks to Agent Fukyamama for providing crucial intel on my target, I was able to take down Agent UnAliaS with a fatal water balloon from behind at 7:25pm. He was carrying a bouqet of flowers for the anniversary with his girlfriend, and I ruined his jeans. You should be wearing khakis anyway, Dan, it's your anniversary for cryin' out loud.

  On my way back to Hell's Kitchen I picked up three hotties at Rockefeller center. The details are classified for security purposes, but let's just say I gave these three ladies the ride of their lives.

  - REpler

  
  Team Shark (3) ate Spooky (0) like so much chum(p)
  

  
  Supremest, Mustached and last but not least L'il Abacus,

  Team Shark has rid the undersea world of yet another bottom feeder. Agent Hammerhead had been reminded just last week by the clever L'il Abacus about the tasty Moreby Bay Bugs way Down Under.

  Having never sampled the delicacies, Agent Hammerhead began the long, tortuous swim across the sea. This would be the farthest Team Shark had ever traveled in search of sustenance. After a first failed feeding attempt during which the Bugs sent out the shark alarm, this time we swam more quietly.

  Tonight, after more than 4 hours of circling as silently as a shark possibly can, Agent Hammerhead spotted the small quivering crustacean. The poor creature was stunned with the first strike and willingly surrendered.

  Alas, the feeding left Team Shark somewhat bitter as the Bug claimed to have quit being shark bait several days earlier. A lame lobster, indeed.

  Team Shark hungrily awaits your next underwater species targeted for extinction. We need to cleanse our palates!

  We remain, at your service,

  Team Shark

  Comments (0)

NYC 2006

How to make your penis soft.

October 6, 2006 - Posted by Li'l Abacus at 12:18 PM

Current status...
Total game kill count: 86
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (8)

Apologies to you who came and expected the lovely and graphic talesof The Supreme Commander. He sent me a singing telegram this morning, waking me from my slumber in a round bed with satin sheets and a feather down. The messanger (which I had no patience for, especially since she did not get naked) sang to me that Sir had to take the company jet to Japan for an emergency hot springs soaking. Thus, I had to do his duties of reporting to you lot.

Before the kill reports, an announcement:

You suckers are afraid to come out? Can't handle the awesome drinking powers of Superme Commander and Li'l Abacus? We were very disappointed with some of you not showing your mugs last Sunday. We're giving you another chance.

Bushwick Country Club
618 Grand Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(Between Leonard and Lorimer)
718.388.2114

This Sunday, October 8th. 6pm until question marks.

Bring your bribes, yo.
Bonus points if you sport a mustache.
Those still alive are welcome to attend (we had two live agents show up last week and for their moxie, got rewarded).

There will be drink specials. Just mentioned StreetWars for two for ones on draught beer, wine and well.

AND another treat: Fake emails:

I've gotten reports of four instances where agents are prentending to be yours truly to lure their targets out:

"From: Li'l Abacus
Date: Sep 28, 2006 12:09 PM
Subject: Shadow Government Check-In
To: Agent

Agent,

On behalf of The Commanders and myself, we wish to request that youcheck-in with the Shadow Government this weekend. Saturday or Sunday? Suggest times. Details regarding location to follow.

Just know that fear = not good.

As you may know, many assassins wish to join the harem, and consume the finest of liquors. Take this as an honor.

If you have any questions, please forward them to me (lilabacuss@gmail.com), as The Commanders are too busy disqualifying
chumps/chumpettes.

--
Li'l Abacus
Shadow Government"

"From: lilabacus@email.com
To: Agent
Sent: Wednesday, October 04, 2006 11:26 PM
Subject: Check In...

Congratulations, gifted Assassin, on making it over a week without
being wetted. Your abilties are impressive, but they are about to be
put to a more difficult test. The time has arrived for a check-in.
The Shadow Government is arranging several meetings this week, and
requests your presence at the Cherry Tavern on 441 East 6th street
(between 1st and A) at 8 p.m. on Thursday the 5th. The place
doesn't serve food--so you'll be safe while you're there. Both your
target and your assassin will be in the East Village between 6-10
that evening, but neither one knows you'll be at the Cherry Tavern.
If you are killed before 8pm that night, don't bother showing up;
we've got better things to do.

__
Li'l Abacus
Shadow Government"

In today's update

• H2 Uh-Oh! (1) stuck it to The Backdoor Bandit (0)
  
• High and Dry (1) went low and wet for Captain Tab (0)
  
• The Sparrow (3) proved the better bird over YAAARRR, Have You Seen Me Parrot? (0)
  
• Don Logan (1) wetted Ginger (0), but not Mary Ann
  
• Crustyasses (1)spread his disease to Don Logan (1)
  
• Bushwick (8) went down under for Sydney (0)
  
• Apollo (2), son of Zeus, wetted Merge(0), son of a bitch.
  

You might as well jump...

Your daily kill stories

H2 Uh-Oh! (1) stuck it to The Backdoor Bandit (0)

After a total of 15 hours of stalking on 4 separate occasions at all hours, urination in a number of receptacles, a hit made on a roommate in a case of mistaken identity and a regrettable instance of breaking and entering (through an unlocked door), the very wily Benji K is no more.

He is a solid competitor and his tenacity and fire power is only paralleled by his keen cunnery. Let me begin by reviewing the instances past which illuminate the honor of BK. On my second stake-out of his place (the first ending in the aforementioned roommate slaying) my position was compromised by one of his many spies he had employed to deftly watch his block. Instead of being cautious and waiting until I had left he was able to lead me into a trap which would bring him 24 hours of glorious safety. On the third attempt I waited and watched behind tinted windows for approximately 7 hours straight. When he was spotted we engaged in a spectacular battle (which included cheering from on lookers and bewildered bystanders) both of us putting up a worthy fight so much so the confrontation had to be reviewed by the omniscient Mustache Commander in all his wisdom of cold blood lust. Regrettably it was determined I used illegal weaponry (inventive as it may be). I was discouraged but the zealot in me beat the shit out of the discoursed part and the stalking continued bringing us to the final battle:

My target knew what I looked like, was aware of my tactics and my options were waning. I began an elaborate plan which was quickly simplified by a stroke of strange luck that could have taken a turn for the worse.

To start, I employed the help of a female in the event I needed to distract him and I acquired a disguise. We waited at a bar next to his apartment before getting into the apartment building (another good reason to have a lady present because tenants willfully allow them through the primary building doors). We listened at his door. No sounds except for a distant television. Then a turning point (literally); the door was unlocked. Despite knowing breaking and entering is not sanctioned, nor cool in most situations it was clear what had to be done. I crossed the line, figuratively and literally.

The first step inside was met with a slow floorboard creak which I could hardly hear over my heart beat (not because I was nervous of course, but because my heart is so massively burly and muscularly powerful). Once in the kitchen I surveyed my surroundings quickly before I heard: �Hello? Is someone there?�

I drew my weapon (a neon derringer) and peeked around the corner. It was not my target. I either had a lot of explaining to do or a lot of real attacks to avoid. To make matters worse it didn�t help that my disguise was nothing close to someone that should be trusted under any circumstance in or outside of one�s home. Now, we were face to faux-hair-face.

�What the fuck?� is all he said at first. I did not reply as the same question was repeated at increased decibels. I made my way to the front door calmly and quickly but was unsure I would make it out un-tussled. I reached for the door handle at which point the roommate was within striking distance bellowing �Dude, what the fuck are you doing in my apartment!� the door knob broke off in my hand but the door opened. Knowing I had to address the fellow now behind me before he legally bludgeoned his intruder I handed him the door knob and realized the bit of levity the situation actually held. �Next time, lock your door� I said with a chuckle and smile then quickly headed down the stairs.

As I scrambled I heard commotion behind me and a final �What the fuck?�, before another voice from inside the apartment emerged due to the commotion.

�It�s gotta be him.� The second voice asserted.

�Who the fuck was that?� said the roommate.

�C�mon, stay infront of me.�

At this point I knew that was my target, he had a human shield and I had no place to go but down and out plus my female compatriot was no where in sight. I was on my own and knowing his super soaking potential versus my pea-shooter I had to cloak myself- fast. I got outside and jumped into a garbage can. It was just big enough to fit in but I was on top f some putrid contents. I heard footsteps clamor next to me down the outside steps and I burst out of the can as my mustache became dislodged. I fired but it did not go the intended distance. He turned. Fired back but I had already made a leap for the sidewalk at which point I was now being pursued. I ran. They followed. Many people on the sidewalk looked confused, some were amused, I was not one of them. I turned up 2nd av. trying to hail a taxi but understandably none would stop for my eerie panic stricken facade. �Into a bar!� I thought but there was a bouncer that asked to see my ID. Fuck that, no time. The target had already spotted me and we both knew he had superior fire power. Flight was again chosen in this case. Turning West on 14th I then crouched, waiting for him to follow shielded by the roommate who was now taking the hits for the target. A section of his weapon dislodged spinning across the sidewalk. He reached for it and I knew it was my last chance to act. It was quick, painless and might as well have been laser guided, three in the chest. It was over. He was a worthy adversary.

The Sparrow (3) proved the better bird over YAAARRR, Have You Seen Me Parrot? (0)

Dear Supremeo, Mustache, et Li'l Abs:

A kill report for your weary, but alert, eyes, on this sto'my night:

I write to report the demise of Team "YAAARRR, Have You Seen Me Parrot?"

Anyway, shut up at the back, I think it's "YAAARRR, Have You Seen Me Parrot?" is a cool team name. To eliminate this dynamic duo, I stood on the shoulders of giants, or at least on the shoulders of an evil genius plot dreamed up by their former assassin. The view was great. This fascinating scheme, which involved pentrating the lives, nay the very minds of Team Yaaarrr, led to a brief stake-out near one of the team member's apartments, followed by a wetting of both team members within moments of each other. The plot will not be revealed, for pure profit reasons. (Universal and MGM are battling it out for the rights to make a movie based on tonight's assassination: Coming, Summer 2007: "Awww Fuck Ye Got Me!" (Rated aRrrr)).

Team Yaaarrr are good people, so we adjourned to a neighbourhood bar for post-wetting pintage. We shared some intel. Fellow assassins will be curious to learn that team "YAAARRR, Have You Seen Me Parrot?" were next to Team Bwushwich Country Cwub in the assassination assignment queue that Sunday night in LIC so long ago. According to my ATAPOMS shipmates, Team BCC are all rather short, and like to wear geeky spectacles and plastic bags on their heads. We probably should all be embarassed that a team of Egon Spengler-Munchkin-Gimps with too much time on their hands are leading in this august tournament. Perhaps their Mommies (or Mommy) purposely never warned them about putting plastic bags on their heads. How very community minded of her.

Reschpect to Arrrrrrr!!!

A plus tard,

The Sparrow

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

Remember you need TWO kills to make it past week two

October 5, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 06:03 AM

Current status...
Total game kill count: 79
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (7)

After my routine 36 hour meditation/sparring session at Shaolin, I jumped on to the luxrious Mustache Concord Jet to head back to San Francisco. With sweat still being wiped of my freshly bruised and muscular back by my lovely personal attendants, I was confused when I flipped on the Mustache Mainframe to see...

Three kills?

Only three?

Did I get hit in the head with the Buddha's Palm one time too many times on this trip? That cannot be true? Can it?

Alas... with the cool mountain air of Mount Song still in my lungs, and my alertness still sharp after that 7 hour battle using only my left foot, and completely in tiger style... I sank into the normally comforting embrace of my attendants in my on-flight boudoir, resigned to the apparent weakness of my new batch of promising assassins...

Be warned

We are now mid way through week two. You need TWO kills to survive into week three. By 12:01am next monday, you need to have 2 kills next to your name to keep playing. In rare occasions, we MIGHT give you till the morning of Oct 9th, but don't count on it. Make sure you get your kills on time. And the rest of you, don't start barraging our precious Abacus with "is my assassin dead yet?" emails on Monday. We will announce a glorious List of the Dead on Oct 9th. Just wait for the posting.

In today's update...

• Wholesale Liquidators (3) smoked Team Hashish (1)
• Team Snuffdumpsters (3) put Alaskananny (0) to bed
• Sprout (2) took down Birdman (0)
  I was pleased with this story, as it had much drunkeness, and dedication - a fabulous combination of virtue and vice. Good work Sprout.

Read kill stories after the jump

Your daily kill stories

Wholesale Liquidators (3) smoked Team Hashish (1)

Wholesale Liquidators® asks you... Have you visited our new Bargain Basement Lounge?

That's right! While you shop, mosey over to our European-style cafe and cash in on this week's special:
Smoke Four Hashish Pipes For The Price Of One!

But first, take advantage of the 2-for-1 drink special while stalking your prey. Because when you've drunkened 6 double vodkas for the price of 3, the room starts spinnin', and you're about to empty your gun into that loud grundle-swab from Iowa at the end of the bar--you know it's the perfect time to enjoy one of our delicious Atkins cigarettes outside. The perfect time too for Agent JK, team leader of four, to get home and get dead.

Our Bargain Basement Lounge may cause you to see a few targets, and some pink elephants, but our rock bottom prices provide you enough ammo to shoot 'em all.

"unparalleled beauty...
unbeatable performance..."
WHOLESALE LIQUIDATORS®
Merchants of Death™

Sprout (2) took down Birdman (0)

It wasn't supposed to happen this way.....

Drunken Monkey:

I was supposed to head out to the targets home area to do some recon/stake out action around 4am...
I had some intel that he worked at 6am sometimes and thought today might be that day....

Unfortunately or fortunately I had some work last night and ended up drinking with some colleagues after, you know how it is,
you have one scotch, and then another, and then follow that with three Smithwick's..and suddenly it's 4am....too late to head out to the middle of nowhere
trying to catch a guy on his way to work.

Only one option....stake out work.  I hadn't been there yet so i figured at least I would get a little info on those surroundings and possible traffic routes in and out
of the building.  I did a once around the building and determined that there were maybe 2 entrances with a possible 4+ exits....fine ,it was still early and I decided to grab
some doughnuts, I know not the appropriate assasin fare, but drunken monkey's eat anything.....

At anyrate I sat in the Dunkin dougnuts for a half hour before going out again, in a feeble hope of catching my target...there were at least two ways he could be coming from
but having left him basically to his own devices for the last couple of days I surmised that he would not be too suspicious, so eventually I waited on the corner across the street from his work, following a direct line from the subway station.

Here there was minor traffic and eventually I saw one guy who I thought could have been him, he crossed the street and I hoped it wasn't, but I pulled out my target picture (drunken espionage at it's best) just to be sure. I placed it behind the newspaper I had ganked earlier and was inspecting it at the very moment my target walked across the corner, almost in disbelief I called out his name and reached for my gun....he turned around and I shot him, once, twice maybe three times just to be sure.  He looked at me in total surprise, expressing that he is never there before 7am..he said it twice and then gave me his card. I offerered to buy him a drink at same time expressing it was probably too early for him as he was about to go to work...It was a drunken offer... the sleepless city was just waking up...and there was nowhere to get another drink even if I wanted to.

I shook hands with the recently wetted and we parted ways.  time of death 5:31am.

I got home around 6am and called girlfriend to let me into the apartment. I had forgotton my keys.  Am I even being hunted...some times things are too easy.

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

Hard Rain

October 4, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 08:04 AM

Current status...
Total game kill count: 76
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (7)

Do y'all have any idea how hard a life I lead?

For example, last night I sent one of my servants to fetch me a warm Brandy so I could enjoy it whilst reading my OG handwritten copy of Ethica Eudemia in the comfort of my velvet covered, gold, skull throne (think Conan+Hugh Hefner). Anyway, this jackass comes back with my Brandy a full 2 degrees colder (fucking CELCIUS at that) than what I asked for. WTF? I had to beat that cat six ways to Sunday...in my travels, the one thing I have learned is that the underclasses learn real freackin' quick with a li'l violence - now I have a fucking sore foot from kicking his freakin' ass all night.

Fucking help.

...And just now, I was in the middle of loving one of my many, and ridiculously hot, concubines long time and I noticed that I had not updated you cats with stories and such. So, Bam! Coitus Interruptus and here I am. I hope you all are happy, I'm still turgid as I write this...

In today's update

• Guns'N'Hoses (2) rocked Ykarious (0) like a hurricane
• Globex (4) took one more step towards city domination by liquidating TravelGoat (0)
• The Repler (1) went all liquid Hiroshima on Agent Fukyamama(0)
• Dead Cell (3) sunk the ship of a weak-ass pirate, Blackbeard (0)
• Dead Cell (3), after descurvifying the pirate also wettified Fresh Chango (1)
• Dog Face Magoo (3) irrigated the canals of Vordy (1)
• C17H21N04 (2) hooked, dried off and then rewetted Aquaman (0)
• Raven (1) let the air out of the tires of Matron leader of Heldentod(1)

Your daily kill stories

Wait!

Before the stories a little message from one assassin to his killers:

From Agent CrustyAsses:

Message for my new assasins:

Ahh so I see that the stakes have been raised and a team of female assasins (possibly a third male) have been hired to hunt me down. I just wanted to point out three things to youse:

A) chicks are an inferior species than males, so you already know what the end result will be. Mind as well give up now and go back to cooking.

B) Instead of using fancy gadetry like digital cameras to zoom across the block to identify me, try just looking straight ahead. Also I don't know if you were trying to pose as tourists, but if so try looking like one instead of a hippie from the Village. You guys stood out like a Injun at a 7-Eleven.

C) Did I mention chicks are weak and have a feeble mind?

Ok...Now the kill stories...

Dead Cell (3) sunk the ship of a weak-ass pirate, Blackbeard (0)

He died(again) at 802 this morning. Upon finding out
that we had to take him out. I decided it was time for
me to once again kill. I allowed my teammates to
handle it for 3 days after the whole ruling incident.
It was time to end this. I headed to his school around
630 am this morning. We were going to form a web
around his buildings when they opened. I knew i had to
kill him before his invinciblity kicked in. A sleeper
cell and I made it to the square 730 we did a quick
sweep of the area and then i planted him near an
entrance. I swept the sides of the street. Another
Teammate took a post across the street from where i
told him to be.Why? i do not know. Anyway mr
illustrator stuck out like a sore thumb because he did
exactly what i yell at my teammates for doing. He was
walking around with his hoodie up. He would have
gotten inside the building had it not been for the
security guard who wanted to see his id. That woulda
changed the whole operation. even though i had a full
list of possible rooms this kid could be in. But the
second he put his bag down i came around the corner. I
shot a brutal H2o load on his face so much so that it
dripped off his glasses and the only witness could
smile . I am sorry supreme commander i forgot to lay
the afghan goggles on him as discussed but i just
wanted to be in and out. We have along way to go catch
up

Dog Face Magoo (3) irrigated the canals of Vordy (1)

Team Dog Face Magoo reports that Brian Vorderbrueggen was wetted down by Agent Nina after the team had put in hours of recon work on our charming target over a period of several days. After failing to catch our man Monday night, the team knew we would have to change up our strategy. Agent Nina posed as a prospective renter in Brian's lovely luxury building. After being given a tour of the entire building, Nina was able to stay seated in a plush leather chair in the building's lobby for an extended period of time. Bladder overflowing (almost), and stomach rumbling, Nina decided she was weak, she had had enough of this shit, and left the building. Feeling dejected and low, she asked a kindly man for a lite for her stogey and began to walk in the direction of the train...and the direction of the target's office...At 7:05 her man appeared on the same side of the street, looking nervous, and carrying "something or other" under his jacket. She knew in an instant she had him. She let him walk by. She turned, just as he was reaching for his gun, and shot him in the back. His gun had jammed. It was a close call for Nina, for brian was a worthy adversary. They chatted it up, exchanged war stories and parted ways. Brian, Team Dog Face Magoo salutes you. We are now going to get shit faced while sippin' on gin and smoking some sweet sweet greens.

DFM

The Repler (1) went all liquid Hiroshima on Agent Fukyamama(0)

It's official, time of death - 6:24 PM.

Agent Fukyamama was a tough customer - I've never had so much trouble getting a girl wet before. Apparently this one never comes home and likes to sleep in. What can I say - tonight was the night. I nailed her right after work. She took it like a good girl. I squirted one off all over her gorgeous legs. It all happened so fast, but when it was over we were both left shaking from the experience.

She put up one helluva fight, tho. I had to chase this bitch (I mean that in the nicest way) through rush hour traffic up Lexington and she fuckin threw a goddamn dumpster on wheels at me. Those fuckers are heavy and hurt like hell when it comes into contact with my kneecaps.

REpler

Guns'N'Hoses (2) rocked Ykarious (0)

At approximately 9:41 in the PM, one Agent Gimp [LINK REDACTED - pointing to the bondage loving of the killed agent] was shown the ropes of how not to be an assassin when he was picked off outside the PATH train station in Jersey. After gaining entry into Agent Gimp's chamber I waited patiently for several hours in his hallway. Feeling as though he might elude me by staying at a friend's place I began to retreat back to the big onion. On the way down to the escalator in the station, the face of my target emerged before me heading up the stairs. Eureka! I quickly began to run up the descending escalator like a hamster on a wheel. A few steps outside the station, BLAZAAAM!! Lets just say that he's a step closer to getting into water porn now. Bring on the next freakaleak.

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

How To Fuck

October 3, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 07:22 AM

Current status...
Total game kill count: 68
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (7)

I am actually embarrassed for you that I even have to make this post.

I would have thought that all that porno watching and peeping your parents banging through half-open doors would have made this post unnecessary. Obviously, I was wrong.

So, listen, take it from someone that has (a) killed lots of people; and (b) probably had sex with your mom.

Assassining is much like the sex making, you want to attack ravenously, but you gots to be sure that you can keep the intensity up until the end.

You kids are like one who enters the pussy without sufficient stamina to contain the nut butter for more than a few pumps.

You started out great, I thought you were real superstars, but in the past few days, I have been more impressed by my bowel movements [pics available upon request] than I have been by you...but at least some of you have been killing...

The first week of the tournament is complete and those of you that haven't done what you were supposed to do will be like *totally* pimp-slapped out of the game.

[some exceptions may be made...IF you actually put work into wetting your target...if you DO NOT get an email from me kicking you out of the tournament, consider yourself spared]

You are poor excuses for assassins...seriously, it kinda makes me physically ill just thinking about you. I can feel the bile rise in the back of my throat with each letter I type writing about you and your non-exploits.

*spit*

Even that can't get the foul taste of your lack of skills out of my mouth...it's like a mixture of cheap booze and hooker-spit. Is it really so hard to find someone and wet them? Actually, not even wet them - just *try* to wet them? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Entry into the world of professional assassins requires, at the minimmum, dedication...dedication you must not have.

Go back to the comfort of your couch...find the nice impession of your ass and nestle in it once again, eat your Doritos and kick back and relax. Watch the action shows on TV and movies and rest easy knowing that if you were ever in that situation, you would fail, just as you did now.

Like your parents, I am disappointed in you.

Perhaps, next time you will be more agressive and dedicated.

Sigh.

Despite my repugnance at your lack of wetting, it pains me to see you go, as I would have liked all of you to have experienced the thrill of the hunt. Alas, it is not to be...this time...

To those of you that made it past the first week, I offer my heartfelt congratulations. No easy feat to last this long...many have fallen to the liquid justice doled out by their fellow competitors...and more will soon fall by the hand of the Rogue Assassins.

But enough of my masturbating your eyes with my fancy words, time for me to get all sorts of up in the Harem and time for you kids to get jiggy with some player stories and the game update.

Kill stories after the jump.

In today's update

• Jorge Salsa (1) irrigated the face off Jimmy Conway (0), extra humiliation points as Conway was team leader of the team formerly known as Goodfellas
• Wholesale Liquidators (2) bukkaked Evaporator (0)
• The Sparrow (2) dropped bombs from the sky, crappifying the day of Shadow Catcher (0)
• Agent Orange (2) went all Vietnam flashback on Vivian Darkbloom (0)
• Team Bushwick Country Club (7) gangbanged pjenroute (0) in the mouth (Is anyone going to be able to put a stop to this killing spree?)
• Humperdink (1) doused the flames of Firestarter (1)
• Admiral Killjoy(1) redundified Aquatic Ninja (0)

Your daily kill stories

Wholesale Liquidators (2) bukkaked Evaporator (0)

Don't know what to get that special someone for Yom Kippur? Let Wholesale Liquidators� help... with luxurious watches to die for, this week on sale!...

Maybe he isn't a surfer. Maybe he doesn't dig on asian chics. Maybe that isn't his girlfriend feeding his cat. Maybe you shouldn't follow her in a cab. Maybe that isn't even his apartment. And maybe that's him coming out right now while you're arguing about it.

Timing is everything and now's the time to buy the Wholesale Liquidators� Equalizer�... Don't call it coincidence. This beautiful timepiece always makes sure you're down to the second. How? It only reads High Noon, time to whack that motherfucker.

So he might not understand "Surf's up, [Jason]!!!", but he'll understand this... A dirtnap. And savings!

"unparalleled beauty... unbeatable performance..." WHOLESALE LIQUIDATORS� Merchants of Death

Jorge Salsa (1) irrigated the face off Jimmy Conway (0)

As of Saturday night Zubin Nagpal has been removed. His kind of answering of the door to a not so innocent inquiry for solo cups from a not so existent neighbor didn't work out for him. Being the team leader of his sorry bunch of "Goodfellas", that puts his entire team to rest. Please inform me of my next target.

Agent Jorge Salsa

The Sparrow (2) dropped bombs from the sky, crappifying the day of Shadow Catcher (0)

It was an extremely cool kill, and the result of some careful detective work: I figured out the names of the people in his building by drinking in some nieghbourhood bars. Ultimately, the kill was cool: it hinged on whiskey (for neighbours) and smoking (to get Target to windows).

Admiral Killjoy(1) redundified Aquatic Ninja (0)

01 October 2006 1745 Local

As target was returning home from a weekend trip, target remained outside, unprotected, long enough for positive identification. Target proceed to walk up an embankment as assassin broke cover from across the street, using passing traffic and parked vehicles to disguise approach. As target reached for the front door, it was then the target realized he was unarmed as he finally faced his assassin. To say the target begged for mercy would be absurd, but the target did request quarter, for the targets young son was upon us. Instead of annihilation from a water balloon at point blank range, the assassin opted for the honorable and stealthy shot from a concealed pistol to save face and humiliation. Without honor an assassin is just a petty murderer. The target died worthy of a heroes lament. No joy in this kill.

Admiral Killjoy

Team Bushwick Country Club (7) gangbanged pjenroute (0)

At 8:08 agent PJEnroute was eliminated by way of Buzz Bee (R) Firefly (tm). Bushwick Country Club agents observed agent Enroute in his place of residence. As he exited the building's front door he met his watery demise. We are awaiting further instructions.

Humperdink (1) doused the flames of Firestarter (1)

I will not divulge my secrets, but let it be known that Firestarter will spark no more. He was a worthy advesary, but in the end he was left gurgling on the sidewalk in my watery wake.

I eagerly await my next assignment, so that I may prove to the most worthy Shadow Government that such delays in carnage will not recur.

-Agent Humperdink

Agent Orange (2) went all Vietnam flashback on Vivian Darkbloom(0)

i dedicate this kill to my goddess, my one and only deity...

vivian darkbloom was eleminated by agent orange my goddess called while i was shooting vivian. almost a divine intervention. almost.

overall a rather boring kill even though days were spent in preperation.

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

Where the hell are my pictures!

October 2, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 05:41 PM

Hey, you guys ever hear of those new fangled "digital camera" thingees? You know, some of them fancy mobile phones of yours got it built in. You can TAKE PICTURES with it.

Listen, I am an immigrant to your great country and I don't read too good. I prefer having my harem masterbate me while reading picture books damn it! Video is even better. We demand to be entertained!

And if you feel the need to be more stealth, upon request, we can withold your pictures from being posted till you either win or die.

Right now, the BEST VISUAL KILL award is just sitting pretty there on in my massive library (of picture books), waiting for you to claim it.

Don't any of you have the vanity to want to capture your moment of glory for all of StreetWars history to remember?

GET TO IT ASSASSINS!

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

Less wanking, more killing... please...

October 1, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 05:00 AM

Current status...
Total game kill count: 57
Current kill leader: Bushwick Country Club (5)

Week one is almost over, and more then a quarter of you have gone quietly to the waysides, drinking with the dead, and discussing with awe, how amazing REAL assassins are.

Speaking of real assassins, Team Globex upped the ante by taking down TWO assassins in the short span since our last update. They are making a good run at Bushwick Country Club, who is still holding steady by adding to their lead with one more kill (total of five).

Now, the kill leader race asides, only 43 of you have gotten any kills at all. What are the rest of you up to? Home watching re-runs of Will & Grace? Jerking off to internet water porn?(nsfw)

Less wanking, more killing please.

In today's update

• Mr. Six (1) stuck it to ShermStick (0)
• Globex (3) cooled down Village Heat (0)
• Fresh Chango (1) read Dostoevsky to Ze Idiot (0) till he fell asleep
• Team Shark (2) wetted on Il Padrone(0)
• Team Shark (2) delicatedly erased DelicateZero (0)
• Team Bushwick Country Club (5) took down one more member of the Drunked Redheaded Sluts (0)
• Firestarter (1) gave a Sweetback (1) a watery set back
• El Matador (1) screamed "OLE!" and Charrington (0) charged to her chagrin
• Agent Stealth (1) swatted/wiped Agent Fly-On-Shit (2)

Kill stories after the jump.

Your daily kill stories

Mr. Six (1) stuck it to ShermStick (0)

Most noble Commanders, both Mustachioed and Supreme,

I'm writing to report the liquidation of Agent Sherstick.

The last four days were filled with anxiety and frustration - anxiety over whether or not I'd have a chance to draw a gun on my target, and frustration over the special circumstances under which my hunt was taking place. The target had lucked into what seemed like a dream situation for a game such as ours, with an apartment directly above the bar he worked at. At first glance, it was a dire situation indeed. Some recon was in order.

After much study of the target's habits while working, including one night spent in his bar and drinking the wine he brought us, I determined a weak point: He often stepped outside to help customers or to walk to the bar next door. It wasn't much, and it wasn't the grand battle I was hoping for, but it appeared that I were to dispense with him in the first week, it would have to do.

After missing him last night, I swung by his bar again earlier this evening. While mingling with the crowd outside behind the oh so simple mask of a fine cigarette, he walked out to take an order. On his way back in I stepped up and said his name. He looked up, and I fired at his heart.

It was a discreet, quiet kill. Had any one been watching they would have thought I was asking for the time.

Agent Sherstick was a perfect gentlemen about the whole thing. He ran inside to get me his card, wished me good luck with the rest of the game, and sent me on my way with a smile. Couldn't have asked for a nicer target, really.

I await my next assignment with great anticipation.

Globex (3) cooled down Village Heat (0)

I chilled in front of her work for a couple of hours after confirming by phone that she was in the building. My teammates gave me the intel that her office hours ended at 6pm (learn to sweet talk your secrataries!) so I waited. I even went as far as to go to her floor, but at about 5:50pm I was literally ten feet in front of her building entrance pretending to hail a cab, luckily it was rush hour on madison ave and 50th and there was no cabs to be found! From this vantage point I easily spotted her walk out her building at 6:05pm. I then proceeded to follow around her safe block till she crossed 5th ave and I nailed her in the middle of the intersection. She utterd the same words as our last kill, which was two blocks away, " Oh Shit!"

and now....she's gone!

FLip Dog

This message was brought to you by the Globex Corporation

Fresh Chango (1) read Dostoevsky to Ze Idiot (0) till he fell asleep

My cover job as an attorney with a white shoe Wall Street law firm is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that it affords me an aura of respectability that grants me access to certain circles without arousing suspicion.  A curse in that it regularly demands large swaths of my time, thus taking away from my opportunities to stalk and liquidate.

Anyhow, today I found myself in the rare position of leaving the office before most respectable folks are in bed.  In full alter-ego lawyer-garb, I immediately proceeded to 85th and York, the intersection nearest my mark's abode.  Not knowing his schedule, I pretended to make calls and be engrossed in my Blackberry, all the while keeping his front door in my peripheral vision.

I was soon distracted, however, by the Irish pub next door. Unable to resist, I went in and ordered a Brooklyn.  Bad omens immediately, in that the keg had just been changed and the beer foamy.  I had to settle for a Blue Moon.  I moved near the window on the long hope that my target would pass by.  Two smoking girls, smoking, were outside.  Standing next to my mark.  Could I be this lucky?  I went outside and pretended to be on a call, telling the non-existant party on the other end that the bar was cranking Aerosmith and so I had to go outside.

To maximize my stealth, my weapon of choice is a small hand-held, the equivalent of a water stilleto, for the savory close kill.  I weighed whether to ask the girls for a smoke, to stand next to my target, but I saw the butt of his weapon sticking out of the edge of his bag.  I had to play it cool, so I went inside to figure out my next move.  As I reentered the bar, he left.  "Fuck me" I thought. I had to act quickly.  I followed him for two blocks, down to 82nd, and headed towards 1st from York.  He was about halfway down the long block, so I did a crouched jog down the middle of the road, dodging cabs and parked cars.

He was waiting for the light to change.  I crept up, and called his name, squirting him as he turned.  Kill!!!

A gentleman, my mark.  He was on his way to stalk his target.  We spoke briefly, exchanging out Streetwars tales.  I headed to the bar for a well-deserved cocktail as he headed back the way he had come from.

Team Shark (2) wetted Il Padrone(0)

Team Shark dined out again this evening.  After exhausting the menu over three nights at the delightful French bistro across the street from the lair of the squid, we could no longer contain ourselves. 

Menu

• Appetizer: "Baked" Calamari
  
• Entree: Stunned Live Squid Sushi
  
• Dessert: Pizza, a nice Chianti and Coffee Ice Cream

The evening's highlight was the magnificent display of Agent Hammerhead's efficient Squid Neutralization technique while Agent Mako continued plotting global domination.

The squid earned our lasting respect before its untimely visit to Davy Jones' Locker with its vehemence towards its own prey and its Southern hospitality.

Team Shark is still hungry and the ocean is deep.

Team Shark (2) delicatedly erased DelicateZero (0)

Agent Hammerhead was growing weary of calamari day after day.  Wouldn't a late lunch of stringray be a welcome change?

The stingray fought valiantly but its 99 cent neon green barb missed the mark by a mile. 

It was the finest stingray Agent Hammerhead has ever feasted upon, since the helpful fish provided fantastic information on the crustacean it has been hunting.

The ocean is deep, dark and cold and the sharks are swarming stealthily.

We remain your humble servants and eagerly await our next feeding.

Team Bushwick Country Club (5) took down one more member of the Drunked Redheaded Sluts (0)

Team Bushwick Country Club eliminated one J.S., who as of 9:26 am ceases to squirt. This mornings hit came as a complete surprise to Agent Slater. After luring her into a false sense of security with a kamikaze agent, we underwent a long night of binge drinking and strategic discussion. At 6:15 am Team B.C.C. mobilized and positioned ourselves at the agents place of residence. After 2.5 hours of surveilance, 6 cups of coffee, and what must have been 3 liters of urine, agent Slater emerged from her home. Upon identification by agents who had been in close contact with the mark yesterday, the active members moved in and eliminated the target. She literally didn't see it coming. We are currently drinking red bull and awaiting further instruction.

Firestarter (1) gave a Sweetback (1) a watery set back

After days of extremely patient surveillance yours truly, Agent Firestarter, smoked the target known as [Agent Sweetback]. I didn't catch his agent name. Cupcake or some pussy shit like that. Anyway, his punk as is drying off right now.

At approximately 6:30 this afternoon I spotted the target leaving his job with two look-outs guarding him. He walked past me as I continued reading the New York Times. Did you know that even though city crime have dropped, youth-related crimes continues to rise? Well I trailed the target and watched as he nervously looked around. I thought he had spotted me when he reached the end of his work block, looking back twice. As he and his bodyguards made a left I continued straight ahead. Now this was quite a risky move, as I had lost sight of the target circling the block. But since he was out of my site I was out of his. Now it was on. Throwing the newspapers in a pile of trash I reached for my gun and made a nice 360 around the block to find the target waiting at the light. I crossed the street, not making any eye contact, then turned around as if suddenly realizing that I was headed the wrong way. Now we were facing each other at opposite corners waiting for the light to change. It turned green and the target walked right towards me. As we crossed paths I called his name and that was the end of it.

Who's next?

Oh, and I neutralized Humperdink for the second time yesterday. Where's the real agents at?

El Matador (1) screamed "OLE!" and Charrington (0) charged to her chagrin

By Agent El Matador, Agent Charrington, at approximately 9:40 pm Friday evening, on the corner of 46th St and 5th Ave.

I was starting to wonder if my training had failed me; or perhaps I'd burned out after my countless years in Uganda as an assassin for Idi Amin. Had I lost my touch? Maybe I just didn't want it bad enough. Or worse still, was I growing a conscience? Well, I was finally able to put all those doubts to rest after a textbook stakeout and ambush of Agent Charrington. I had broken the cardinal rule ALL assassins must live by: Never underestimate your enemy. I thought Agent Charrington would roll over easier than an ugly prom date, but I was wrong. She proved to be a worthy adversary and refused to accept defeat even as the life was drained from her arteries by my barrage of aquatic annihilation. I will be happy to see you again in the next life Agent Charrington. Meanwhile, the killing must go on ...

My next assignment please, esteemed Commanders.

Your Humble Servant,

El Matador

Agent Stealth (1) swatted Agent Fly-On-Shit (2)

First day on the rag, first kill. It must have been the blood that made me hungry.

Well, my well-thought out, painstakingly patient and agonizingly strategic planning and waiting and stressing all paid off this evening (Thursday) when I made my kill, staring right into his sparkling blue eyes.

Who did I have in my kill packet but a LAW SCHOOL PROFESSOR. Hilarious. With much consultation from one of my own friends in law school, we devised a fake persona (Jessica) that used his law school email address. We also gave him Jessica's killer and detailed resume! we emailed him on Sunday morning saying that Jessica, a second year law student, had a second round interview at some prestigious law firm he had worked for (my friend's idea) and that she would SO love to meet with him to chat about his experience, get advice for the interview, and overall gain perspective. It was my firm belief that I couldn't be an agent that ambushed from waiting on the street, I needed to be a secret undercover agent. I needed to set up a rendez-vous with my prey.

So, I agonized over every email to send. I created another persona on Monday that I tried to make as his fake killer - a dude. I created an email address that was crude and sent him a bafoon-like message, saying he shouldn't expect to live past Tuesday, in order to lure him away from thinking that Jessica could be his killer as we tried to set up a meeting for Wednesday or Thursday. He suggested that Jessica meet him in his office. DAMN! I couldn't strike. I researched a great little coffee place near his office and sent a very forward email that urged him to meet me there because it was such a great place, and i really wanted to treat him to coffee and pierogis for being so nice and taking time to meet with me. a little too forward. maybe too suspicious. he didn't write back for way longer than a non-suspicious person should. i knew i had to do something so i emailed him from the fake killer address saying that I had just died and someone else was his killer now... so much strategizing, and i later found out that it barely was analyzed by my prey! maybe he should have been thinking better and playing more mind games!

anyway, to cut to the chase, it's an hour before the meeting we were partly planning for today, i'm at work - a good hour away from brooklyn - and Mr. Law Professor has not confirmed our meeting. i don't know if it's on or off, or if i'll ever live long enough to finally see a meeting through!!! i'm despairing, and at the 11th hour, he emails and says he'll see me there!!!! i have to convince my bosses to let me leave early, and run for my life to brooklyn. i had good subway karma, yet i felt like i was gonna have a heartattack the whole way. the anticipation. the fear. anything could happen. i needed luck, stealth and grace. it would be my first time ever fooling and killing, as i'm usually an innocent character. i tried to force myself to breathe as i positioned my gun and spray bottle (it gets better squirting mileage, i swear!) in my bag, trying to think of how long i'd keep the ruse going during our meeting.

there he was, sitting at the outdoor cafe. i feigned like i didn't recognize him, though i had immediately. after all, this was jessica's first time seeing him! immediately i sat down so close to him at this tiny little table, with my bag on the back of my chair. thinking: how am i going to pull the gun out...i better do it soon before my true identity becomes obvious., luckily, for a good ten minutes i could carry on a conversation with him. mostly he talked while i encouraged him to answer questions about the AMAZING firm he had worked for. ooooh, how interesting...NOT. he was a sweet man though. i could see it in his eyes and the longer i tried to get his fake career help, i felt a little guilty! i was about to pretend to get my resume out of my bag and shoot him, but before i had to, lucky for me my cell phone went off. i said excuse me as i rummaged around in my bag, then finally pulled out my spray bottle___ BAM BAM BAM, a few squirts and he was DEAD! i t was so awkward to squirt him in the middle of our totally formal professor-student career mentor-lowly entry-level discussion. i felt like my mind going blank a little, almost like leaving my body or being in a totally absurd movie. i squirted once (on his chest) and then a few more for good measure as the look on his face went from stunned to denial to recognition of his fate. being the sweet and innocent person i usually am, i right away actually said "sorry" and hugged him, though i could feel his resentment, and said i was buying us drinks! we ended up drinking two rounds of Brooklyn and then eating candy at his house. we had a talk of the trials and tribulations of being a lone agent. i basked in my glory. i felt primal, yet stuck giddy and crampy to the seat of a cafe chair. i wanted to run around the block doing a victory lap with my weapons waving in the air and screaming: who's your daddy! who's the winner!!!! but the brooklyn seemed to ease my frayed nerves. i can now die in peace. thank you target, and thank you my accomplice friend, and thank you YOU, Agent Stealth, ME, for being so goddamned cunning!

AGENT STEALTH SCORES!

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NYC 2006

Another 18 bites the dust...

September 29, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 06:25 AM

Current Status...
Total game kill count: 48
Current kill leader: Team Bushwick Country Club (4)

Sweet baby jesus.

Right after my 18 down post... you assassins return with another 18 down day? I am impressed and moved by your dedication to watery justice. Please, all of you with kills, give yourselves a round of applause.

Who is your tournament daddy?

Big ups to Team Bushwick Country Club, for continuing to lead the pack and set a high standard for excellence, with four kills in four days. For those of you with zero's next to your names. Shape up and be more like the Bushwick crew.

In today's update...

• Guns N' Hoses (1) hosed Mi Hermano (0)
• Team Sexecutioners (1) penetrated Team Inner Circle (0)
• Team WholeSale Liquidators (1) red tagged Agent Marwan (0)
• The Sparrow (1) pacified the Angry Baby (0)
• Team Globex (2) chopped up the Chef (0)
• Team Los Murderoso (2) dispatched Agent Ezri (0)
• Agent Orange (1) loved the smell of Lil Chick (0) in the morning
• Team Sharks on a Bus (1) boarded Jeffrey Lebowski (0)
• Agent Dogs of War (1) tricked the Trickster (0)
• Agent Peter Stevens (2) deleted one Agent Easterbrook (0)
• Team Snuffdumpsters (2) caught up with Marz (0)
• Alaskananny (1) gave Zern (0) a watery treat
• Der Master-Mörder (1) read Miss Jones' (0) diary
  
• Team Bushwick Country Club (4) continues to rule your world by taking Agent Takora of Team Drunken Readheaded Sluts (0)
• Joelev (1) says wetting Candy Killers (0) was like taking candy from an assassin
• The Professor (1) took down one teamate of Team Newlywed Ninja Syndicate (0)
• Frankie the Hipster Slayer (1) gave some fashion advice to The Brailipole (0)

Read kill stories after the jump

Your daily kill stories

Guns N' Hoses (1) hosed Mi Hermano (0)

at approximately 6:15 in the PM one Mi Hermano met his fate through the barrel of a malfunctioning chinatown baretta. after 12 hours of stalking the run around came to an end when he tried to run across the street and enter into a neighboring building. next time check in with security beforehand brotha and you won't be left wallowing in a puddle of shame. see ya next year fella.

Team WholeSale Liquidators (1) red tagged Agent Marwan (0)

Celebrate autumn with our Voignier White Wine clearance sale...

So positively delectable is our wine that assassins dreamily stumble out of safe zones for it... Seduced by these aromatic sirens to their aqueous deaths, none can resist the full-bodied flavor of Wholesale Liquidators®' Le Négociant de la Mort.

Just ask Agent Marwan, an assassin of refined tastes, yet not so refined skills. After a hard day at the office, this financial mastermind casually left his midtown office at 8:15 pm, and to the utter shock of his stalkers, stepped right off the curb, b-lining for the liquor store.

As purveyors of fine and sophisticated taste, Agent Hall of Wholesale Liquidators® allowed the Ivy League alum to purchase his fine wine. She figured she would whet her own pallette after she soaked his. And that she did.

"Awwwwwww! Crap!"

Yes, he too could not escape the allure of... Wholesale Liquidators®' Le Négociant de la Mort.

So brazen and yet so smooth that even international security forces in midtown can't stop it's deliciousness. Get yo' Mort on today!

Note: Afterwards, Agents Hall & Oates, along with their Secretary of Death, escorted agent Marwan's corpse “Weekend at Bernies” style through the victim’s highrise and proceeded to drink his booze and smoke his pot. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta. But it feels even better to save!

"unparalleled beauty...
unbeatable performance..."
Wholesale Liquidators®

The Sparrow (1) pacified the Angry Baby (0)

At approximately 10.42pm on Wednesday night, The Angry Baby decided he needed a cigar.

Why did he need a smoke? No doubt his sense of the assassin web closing in on his apartment was too great. As Supreme Commander knows, cigars are great for the nerves. Or he would, if Supreme Commander ever felt nervous.

Down the stairs went Angry Baby, leaky water gun in hand, lest the walk to the cigar shop throw up any nasty surprises. Out the front door, and into the warm fall eve.

Of course, we recognized each other instantly. No disguise could hide my intent. I was not expecting an exit at this moment - a more complex and beautiful plot than mere street ambush was afoot - so I was surprised, to put it mildly.

So was he. He flew across the street and around the corner and the two of us started playing a daft 90 second game of ignoring each other/stalking. This is a very difficult game, especially when two armed men play it together on an unsuspecting street corner. I got straight on my phone, and chattered in a most non-nonchalant way. He pretended to check out cigars.

It was all over in seconds. He went for me (or his front door) under the cover of a big Puerto Rican dude, and I beat him on the draw. The moment it was over, we burst out laughing.

Angry Baby was a great sport. I am now armed with a specially commissioned and untested device supplied to him by one of his friends. It involves rubber medical supplies and will probably terrify my next mark much more than a big yellow super soaker ever could.

Angry Baby, Respect. The rest of ye, I'll see around.

Team Globex (2) chopped up the Chef (0)

team Globex assassins: Dr. Pickles, Flip Dog, and MayDay performed the execution.

kill location: The front of Maloney & Porcelli's Restaurant on 50th bet. Madison and Park.

kill time: 9:01pm
synopsis:

Well it was a long time coming, but we did it and we did it with style, even with the odds against us, we persevered and came out on top as expected. Team Globex has made their second kill. As with the takeover of the east coast we were extremely proud of ourselves and look forward to our victory celebration at the end of the tourney.

Yesterday, September 27th at 9:01 PM in front of Maloney & Porcelli's our second target faced his share of Watery Death. We were assigned a young entrepreneurial culinary student with a serious international background. His family controls food service in the US and across the globe in Athens. He was like a male Paris Hilton from Greece. Hell, his Myspace profile had beautiful girls at his beckon call. But all those pretty boy looks didn't save him from Team Globex.

We started with some serious spirit, staking him out Monday, the night of our first kill. Even though we had a lot of close calls, he never showed. Damn those little face shots, "Oh yeah, I can tell exactly what you look like in that pic..." We ended the stake out at midnight with big plans for the future and oh what big plans they were.

Our restauranteur with Iron Chef aspirations was about to be both Punked and wetted. You see the man is Greek and in the restaurant bizz. So we had an actress friend pose as a person from the restaurant and set up an interview with him, saying a Greek delegation from the UN stayed behind and were planning a dinner. We needed help and he was recommended by the school as a good man, Greek, and a good restauranteur. As a team member says, "play up to a guys ego, and you can't go wrong."

Well what do you know, on my way to the restaurant for the meeting, and hour early, I see him walk by. It was the first time I saw him, and I just knew it was him. Well I could of taken him out then as I am Brock, the Swede killing machine, but I thought since I had the first kill on the team with smoker, I should share the love and let this thing play out. We had him dead to rights, and I was not going go ruin it. So I showed up at the restaurant and told my team mates all about it. We all had a good laugh and waited for our mark. It's so easy when your good!

Inevitably we found out there was some doubt on our target's part, we gotta give him that much. Our actress missed two calls from our mark and we sensed he needed reassurance. So we had our friend call as a part of the UN, and allay his fears. The native tongue helped and he said he'd be "on target" at 9:00.

The man was true to his word. I can respect that! He even brought a gun to the interview, admirable, he never intended to draw it(Pussy), but I still admire that. Well as the man entered the restaurant, he was nailed, drilled, squirted, pinched, taken out, by none other than Team Globex, in one of it's deadliest incarnations, MayDay, Dr. Pickles and Flip Dog, whose bark is inconsequential, there is only the bite.

The catch phrase all of you will be saying as did our hit, "Oh Fuck." Remember that!

Just to show we arent't completely heartless, and extremely classy as an evil corporation should be, the evening ended up with us and our dead target sitting down for a few rounds of drinks, we're talking Blantons! All you targets out there can take some solace in that, if we take you out, were doing it in style and a touch of class at the end.

"To Prey on their fear,
Move like and animal,
To Feel the kill!"

Team Los Murderoso (2) dispatched Agent Ezri (0)

At 2300 on 9/28/2006 one Agent Ezri was eliminated by oneMathematical Impossible.

This report will be bad, because I am drunk on booze, adrenaline and ofcourse as always, fear.

I received my 2nd target assignment yesterday, and that same day scoped outhis place of work and his house. My target lives and works on the sameblock, so the special rules applied. After finding out that he lives next toa bar with an outdoor area, I decided that I would wait for my target at thebar and step out to shoot him as he went home from work. I did not notice atthe time that he lives next to a gay bar, a fact that became very clear tome tonight (more on this below).

After a hearty dinner of pork and margaritas, and a few-post dinnercocktails, I decided to head to my next stalking. I cruised by my target'splace of work - a restaurant - and verified his prescence, then I cruisedover to the bar to wait for him to get off work. Little did I know at thetime I would not be the only one cruising. Approximately 30 seconds afterarriving at the bar, I realized that it was in fact a gay bar. Very quicklya friendly patron put a drink in my hand. I explained to him the purpose ofmy visit (I was hoping to soak someone from behind) and he seemed veryinterested. He helped me stake out my victim, even going so far as tovolunteer to hold him down for me while I soaked him, an offer Irespectfully declined.

Soon a whole goup was loudly discussing streetwars, which I realized wouldbe dangerous if my target were to walk by, so I steered the conversation tothe more neutral topic of GW Bush and Iraq. At approximately 2300, my targetarrived. Obviously knowing the vulnerability of his situation, he movedwith speed of purpose and gun in hand. I also moved quickly, with drink ofvodka soda and gun in hand. I stepped out of the bar, walked around the rowof bushes separating the bar from his front door and took him out as hefumbled with the lock (how many kills have been made with drink in hand?).He was in a tough position and he knew it. He was unfortunate to live nextto a high traffic bar with an outdoor seating area. He took his demise ingood humor and handed over his card. I returned to the bar to the acclaim ofthe patrons, one of whom bought me a celebratory shot. I bought one moredrink for good measure and headed home. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, as I wasleaving a patron gave me his number - and a good night kiss. He leaned in, Ileaned away, he continued to lean in. Now I know what all my high schooldates must have felt like. Sorry ladies.

Total tally:
2 Vodka sodas (stirred, not shaken)
1 Shot
1 Kill
1 Guy's number
1 Good night kiss from guy who gave me his number
Numerous Future Streetwars fans and players

All for the glory of the Shadow Government.

Team Sharks on a Bus (1) boarded Jeffrey Lebowski (0)

Sharks on a bus drown The Big Lebowski.

It was a glorious morning on the twenty eighth day of September twothousand and six. The Upper East side was seemingly unaware of theJaws-esque shark attack that was about to take place. You see,friends, team Sharks on a Bus was looming. Nobody was safe. Not women,not children, not even that daddy's little girl cutey pie walking hersnooty looking dog. Evenmore, a fellow by the name the "Big Lebowski"was in a far more precarious position. His white russian was about toget extremely watery.

After some half hazard attempts by neighbors and friends to check ifthe coast was clear, our target made a brisk exit from his apartment.He looked nervous. He had his hand on a satchel clutching what seemedto be a monstrous water weapon. Clearly compensating for theinadequacy of his "other" weapon. Somebody forgot to tell "the Dude"that it's not the size of the boat....

Mr. Lebowski proceeded to weave in and out of street blocks,constantly checking over his shoulder, but never quite getting a goodenough look at the bus full of sharks on his tail. After one lasthaphazard attempt at deceit, "the Dude" took a hard right turn smackinto a Greyhound full of Great Whites.

The dude, without prior given consent, abided.

Agent Peter Stevens (2) deleted one Agent Easterbrook (0)

Agent Easterbrook has fallen.

I arrived in LIC at 5pm. Brand new building. Waterfront view, doorman, and no place to hide because of all the construction. I try to bribe my way in first but they're not having it.
I look around and spot a concrete barrier at the end of the street. It turns out to be the only cover with a view of the front of the building. I lay prone for an hour and go cross-eyed in the process.
I go for some dinner and walk around for a bit. I'm walking towards the building when I spot another Agent doing contract work for The Shadow Government. We look at each other funny for a minute, and then realize the we are not there for each other. We speak for a bit and I learn he is able to grant me access to the fortress that was previously impenetrable.

I make my way up to the targets floor and had to wait a mere four minutes.

It turns out he had just gotten home, and was on his way out to hunt my current target.

Had I stayed prone he would have neutralized me for certain.

Team Snuffdumpsters (2) caught up with Marz (0)

So, thanks to myspace, we find that Marz has an upcoming art show somewhere in the city. I enlist the services of a friend to inquire about the whereabouts of said show. We find out, stake the place out down on chambers and reade, sit down and order some dinner and wait for our man. Turns out he's supposed to be there 7-9 but he's early. Our man walks out the front door and with his back turned to us i put a stream of water to the back of his head, double tap. Simple as that. This hangover sucks.

Alaskananny (1) gave Zern (0) a watery treat

I am pleased to inform you that team El Cano has been rinsed of their sins.  A little manuvering outside of Zern's building put me directly at her open window.  She walked into the room, she got wet.

Der Master-Mörder (1) read Miss Jones' (0) diary

I've had a good 12 hours.

Last night I wetted the total fucking chump who was trying to get me. It was TOO easy.

Then today at 7:37AM I gave Miss Jones a second shower. I had stalked her for the past 3 mornings and I knew that she knew what I looked like. I thought I was fucked. I just couldn't get the shots off the first 2 times I saw her. Then I decided I needed to upgrade my weapon and devise a new strategy.

I found a fantstic hiding spot about 10 feet from her door. Waited till I heard her door open. Snuck a peak to confirm it was the target. Then I busted around the corner and let loose, however I misjudged my range. I MISSED! The only thing that saved me was that Miss Jones didn't have her gun in her hand. I pumped off a second shot and hit while she was screaming like a baby and trying to get a handle on her gun.

She was a good sport, gave me her card and I walked her to the train.

Team Bushwick Country Club (4) continues to rule your world by taking Agent Takora of Team Drunken Readheaded Sluts (0)

At 6:07 pm on Sept. 28, 2006 one Agent Takora was Eliminated by way ofSuper Soaker (tm). Agent Takora, in Manhattan for a weapons pickup,was spotted while making a call to attempt to identify his assassins.What insued was a raging waterfight in the streets of Manhattan. Inthe end, two hours of reconnaissance resulted in the elimination ofAgent Takora. We would like to add that this was not the easiest ofkills, and Agent Takora proved a worthy adversary. Though not ourprimary target, he will serve as a fine consolation prize, andappetite wetter, but also a reminder that in the game of modern dayespionage and warfare, anything is possible, so be sharp. His teamleader will have likely met her demise by the time this account isposted.

The Professor (1) took down one teamate of Team Newlywed Ninja Syndicate (0)

When I signed on, I couldn't wait to get my first kill. It's soak or be soaked out there, and I sure as hell wasn't going to be the later. No mercy, you taught me that. That was all before I had to liquidate a husband right in front his wife's eyes.

It is with no joy that I report the blissfully alliterated Newlywed Ninja Syndicate, is now a Solo-icate. C.E. is dead, and I have to live with that.

He was sprayed protecting his lady, his "Special Target," leaving his impenetrable apartment to usher his love safely indoors. Sprinting from the bar across the street I was too late to hit her, but as he was locking the gate I fired two shots. He fired back, giving me a good wetting, but it was too late.

Adrenaline was coursing through me. "I got you, you know I got you!" I screamed, and bounced around elatedly outside his gate. Now, I am a man, I thought, I have walked boldly through the water and come out the other side. But then saw her face peering from inside the doorway, a portrait of agony and disbelief. The reality of what I had done slapped in the face. I had killed a man. Her man.

She fired a couple a wild shots attempting to injure me, hoping to inflict a portion of the suffering I had dealt to her, but with my jungle cat reflexes I deftly avoided them. I do fell very sorry for whoever The Bride is hunting, for hell hath no fury like a women something or other.

As he handed me his ID card he said, "Nice kill." Nice kill? Hah! When it comes to dealing watery vengeance, there ain't nothing nice about it.

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

School Rule - Clarification

September 28, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 02:24 PM

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In my infinite wisdom, I have decided that we should illuminate you wannabe (and be) assassins on the rules in reference to targets that go to school.

Know these rules well, I don�t want to get any more calls from you cats, interrupting my mackage of the fine young women in my harem in order to have me address your piddling concerns. I�m sure a couple of you must score sometimes�how would you like it if I rolled up on you and interrupted your coitus? Hmmmm�bad example, come to think of it, you�d probably like it, because it would be me after all�but ok�let�s say someone else that wasn�t me did it � then would you like it? Probably not, particularly as most of you are probably still learning what goes where and breaking your concentration would likely mess up your whole game. Now I have experience so that�s not a concern for me, but it�s still friggin� annoying.

So...

I give you SCHOOL RULES:

If you are in school and go to class:

You are safe while in class, while the teacher is teaching you whatever it is your dumb ass needs to learn.

You have a safe zone only for the 15 minutes before and after your scheduled classes on the floor your class is on. This means elevators, stairwells, etc are NOT SAFE ZONES EVER.

That�s it for school � clear enough?

No more complaints...I�m off for a marathon session with the Harem, then a well deserved soak in my gold lava rock hot tub�

Damn, I lead a hard life.

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NYC 2006

18 more down...

September 28, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 04:11 AM

Current Status...
Total game kill count: 30
Current kill leader: Team Bushwick Country Club (3)

The tournament has shrunk by a woppoing 18 since the last update. NYC is no joke. You people are marvelous. Mustache likes.

Speaking of jokes...

MC Pee Pants tagged the sucka pictured above riding the train letting all the other assassins in the world see him roaming about. Have to say, as foolish as it was, I kinda like his bravado. Either way. Good work MC Pee Pants and Mr Non-Stealth assassin, as the Commanders were amused. Click here to read MC Pee Pants entire amusing account

In today's update...

• Team Heldentod (1) fixed the gears on one Agent Pyro (0), despite a Matron gone MIA.
• MC Pee Pants (1) killed Agent Sapphire (0)
• Wide Eyed (1) shut the lids on Arch-Nemesis (0) of Los Murderosos
• Snuffdumpster (1) eliminated the Liquid Slayers (0) by wettifying the Team leader, Street Samurai
• T-Boogie (1) killed Jesus (0)
• Bushwick Country Club (3) killed the Violator (0) AND Agent Nizaris (1)
• Agent TJ Kee (1) dispatched Agent Lobovski (0)
• Team Hashish (1) gave Blue Care Bears (0) a BIIIIG hug
• J27 (1) saw Agent Cee (0) , and Agent Cee saw water
• The Hebrew Hammer (2) nailed J27's coffin (1)
• The Facilitator (1) facilitated AVK's (0) exit, and drooled on him in the process
• Dr Pickes of Team Globex (1) smoked The Smoker (0)
• Team Los Murderoso (1) los murderized Agent Ike Silverthron (0)
• Team Dog Face Magoo (2) finished Agent Osado (0)
• Baby Batty (1) batted Secret Agent Man (0) till he cried for mommy
• Big Money (1) had more then 860 (0) dollars
• Team Marxmen (2) did the stairs on Ken Masters (0)

Read kill stories after the jump

Your daily kill stories

The Facilitator (1) facilitated AVK's (0) exit, and drooled on him in the process

It is bitter sweet I inform you I have taken out my target.

When I first opened my envelope my first words were “Wow he’s hot, sucks I am going to kill him”  

I went out Monday night with a friend. We waited and waited and waited. Just as we thought we might call it a night my target left home. He was with another male (hot as well) and we followed. I was not 100% sure this was my guy so we followed quietly. The two men walked into a bar and we followed. I just wanted a good look. Before I knew it we were having drinks and chatting away. I tried to get them to leave but they were not having it. I did not want to cause suspicion and since we had already exchanged numbers I called it a night and the gentlemen paid our bill. The next day
he and I arranged a Wednesday night dinner date, I was excited and had to remember I had to keep focused. Today he called and I feared he was onto me. He told me he was playing a game called street wars and he had arranged an “attack” for the same time we were going to have dinner. He asked if we could change the time we were going to meet. I told him I needed to see this to believe it so I would tag along. I was the official camera girl! All along he had no idea I was hunting him. So I went along with it and when his plan fell through I lent a shoulder to cry on. I waited until after dinner and drinks right before he put me in a cab, I popped hi ass.  Yes I got two night of drinks dinner and almost video of another assassination.

MayI have a new target please?

MC Pee Pants (1) killed Agent Sapphire (0)

Agent Sapphire was dispatched this evening.

I took the subway to Forrest Hills to stalk her in her own hood because my previous attempts to wake up early enough to attack her enroute to work were met with failure. I arrived around 8pm and scoped out the building for a few minutes, choosing a spot to surveil the entrance…this year’s game started later in the year so daylight was scarce this time of night…I’d have to stay close enough to the building to make a positive ID.

Sitting down on the steps to a business adjacent to the apt building, I fiddled around on the cell phone for an hour or so and savored some fine Honduran tobacco, expertly rolled by the torcedors at Partagas…after all, one does not need to be ascetic, only patient. My attempts to gain entry to the building by accompanying various deliverymen were met with confused rejections…obviously THEY knew death when they saw it.

Around 9:30pm, a woman emerges around the far corner of the block and walks towards the building entrance…she spoke on a cell phone…eyes furtively watching activity on the street…no doubt she was the spotter. I made an effort to not notice her and prepared my weapon at my side…she disappeared and reappeared twice…erroneously focusing her attention on an admittedly sketchy kid circling his street bike in front of the building entrance…she thought he was the assassin! Moments later the target emerged from the same far corner of the block…sprinting towards the building entrance. No positive ID was necessary…I knew I had my target. Yet she didn’t even draw a weapon! A quick chase to the building entrance ended with two direct hits…once before she got in and one more for good measure after she failed to barricade me out of the entryway.

Agent Sapphire didn’t put up a fight at all…but she is without a doubt amongst the noblest of prey…for after surrendering her card she and her spotter invited me into the apartment for a victory joint! The spoils of victory, indeed!

Wide Eyed (1) killed Arch-Nemesis (0) of Los Murderosos

this morning
after waiting patiently for many hours
took aim
and killed
the lovely,
but unprepared

Arch-Nemesis

sincerely
agent equidistant
of team
wide eyed

T-Boogie (1) killed Jesus (0)

Agent T. Boogie has assassinated target. Jesus is no more.

Agent T. Boogie waited several hours early this morning awaiting target, as target left for work, he was shot by a double barrel watergun. Target seemed confused and shocked by his own stupidity.

Bushwick Country Club (3) killed the Violator (0) AND Agent Nizaris (1)

On behalf of Team Bushwick Country Club I am pleased to report that as of 6:54 pm eastern standard time M.A. ceased to saturate. We are eagerly awaiting further instructions for our next target.

then a bit later...

Team Bushwick Country Club would like to report that as of 9:30 one R.B. has been eliminated.  The kill was the culmination of a 3.5 hour late night stake out, a 2 hour early morning stake out and excellent intel.  The fact that the target was carrying an umbrella in plain sight on a beautiful morning set him up perfectly for a textbook pincer maneuver.  We feel that more disclosure would divulge sensitive trade secrets.  That said we are more eagerly than usual awaiting further instructions.

Agent TJ Kee (1) dispatched Agent Lobovski (0)

Mr. British whiny ass is no more. Told you, your girl from Jerz had some skills ...

Posted the kill story on the blog. It wasn't stealthy. Honestly, it was like I stumbled on him. But when I did, I let it rain.

I'd stalked out his job earlier today, and cased his condo complex on Monday night. Was a bit discouraged, b/c my attempts at intimidation were backfiring. (I am sooooo getting an anonymous email address now.) So tonite I went around the other side of his complex, and there he was, waiting for his homeboy to bring his water gun. Too bad.

I pulled out my pic of him, made sure it was a match, and then sprayed. No questions asked. Gotta say it felt good. Redeemed myself in my own eyes. I know who my next targets are. He was kind enough to give me the dossier (complete with all the info he'd worked so hard to collect).

(And since Li'l Ms. Abacus has so politely declined my sapphic advances, let it be known that Ms. TJ Kee ain't opposed to being part of the harem. That is ... s'long as she's the Queen Bee)

Team Hashish (1) gave Blue Care Bears (0) a BIIIIIG hug

With pipes and pistols blazing, the Hashish Assassins snuffed out one S. R. this morning after several fruitless days of stalking. The skills of this crew are not to be underestimated, but the luck of the gods was with us as we literally bumped into our target outside of his normal operating zone - but with luck this good, the skill is just a bonus. Team
leader made the kill - and yes, he will smoke you too.

Our target was gracious and obviously a talented assassin; we would have liked to see him finish off his prey, but when your bowl is cashed, so to speak, your time is up.

J27 (1) saw Agent Cee (0) , and Agent Cee saw water

What a day. My first kill!

Tonight at 6:35 pm I took out Agent Cee.

Three days of elaborate planning paid off. I knew I would never get him at his home or work, as he had an eratic schedule.

After some sleuthing, I found a post of his on a motorcycle enthusiast web page. He had a bike for sale! I e-mailed him... but it was already sold. We struck up a rappport, and a day later I told him I was going to look at another bike, but I could use another set of eyes. He volunteered to HELP me!

We set up a meeting a few blocks from his apartment. At the set time, he sent me a text sayiing he was on the NorthWEST corner. As I was walking up, I spotted him on teh NortEAST corner... with his pistol in his pocket.

I nonchalantly walked past him, making sure to not make eye contact... then walked about 200 feet, turned, came back.. and BLAM! WET!

He was in shock... but we had a good laugh.

HIGH with my kill, I came home... walked PAST my door, came around teh block, stuck my key in, opened teh door to teh vestibule... and BAM! Then I got WET!

DAMN DAMN DAMN!

This was great. I killed... then got killed. Karma's a bitch!

The Hebrew Hammer (2) nailed J27's coffin (1)

J27 is no more.

Around 7:15 tonight he was shot down in the back as he entered his house. Had I arrived a split second later, he would have managed to close the door behind him. I had more luck than brains in this one and I had lots of brains in this one. It just didn't help me.

Team Dog Face Magoo (2) finished Agent Osado (0)

At approximately 6:30pm target Agent Osado was gunned down on the corner of 26th street and Madison.

After collecting intel, Team Dog Face Magoo posed as an attractive female friend of his and communicated throughout the week via email. Foolishly, he divulged his after-work location to his winsome female "friend." Luckily for DFM, he would be a mere block from where we planned to munch on delicious burgers from the Shake Shack. After wiping Shak Sauce from our hungry blasphemous mouths, we strolled through the park and went under cover as "random people sitting on park benches." A quick call to his office confirmed he had left for the day. Burgers digesting, we stared in disbelief as he, several moments later, showed up EXACTLY when and where he said he would. Indeed!

Completely oblivious, he strolled across the intersection looking, for all intents and purposes, as if he didn't have a care in the world. Maybe his few days of dryness had left him feeling invincible? He went down without a fight, apparently on the way to kill his own mark. We went home with his identity card, full stomachs and the sweet taste of victory and sirloin lingering on our tongues.

Team Marxmen (2) did the stairs on Ken Masters (0)

At 7:25am we gave B.S. his long over due shower.  After long hours of recon work and intelligence supplied by allies we were in position to assasinate our marx. We set up directly in front of his apartment and waited for him to meet his death. During our wait we were made by one of his friends who called him and warned him about us. Even with this info that was supplied to him he was unable to avoid us. When he stepped out of his apartment his only option was to run. Not being a very fast runner and only packing a 99 cent water gun I was able to run him down and soak him. Second Marx Second kill.

Agent Makavelli of the MarxMen awaiting our next assignment.

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NYC 2006

Midtown is Crawling

September 27, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 09:04 AM

Just an update before the real update for you ASSassins.

There are leftover U.N. dignitaries staying near park/madison between 42 and 50...secret service are all over as well as police monitoring baracades...if anyone where to pull out anything resembling a gun, they would surely be taken down.

So, if yer stalking or killing in that hood, be careful.

You have been warned.

Suckaz.

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

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NYC 2006

Deluge

September 25, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 08:10 PM

Current status:
Total game kill count: 12

Not to start some new Biggie/Tupac shit, but I remember that in the last LA game cats were getting irrigated like they was in Marib...I expected the same from you...

I like *completely* abandoned my harem the other day, just to keep close tabs on the emails that were coming in, hoping to see a kill report.

Imagine my dismay when it was time for my 5am harem pleasing and I had received but a single kill report. My harem had to work overtime to get the knots of tension out of my muscular, well developed shoulders.

As I made my way back to the War room to access the Shadow Government mainframe computer to check on your progress, I was contemplating releasing my personal assassins on you early, just to show you my comtempt at your lack of wetting and get you on your toes a bit...

Thankfully (for you), once I got to the computer, I was shocked - in a good way...the kind of shock you get when your worst enemy dies and gives you a couple of tons of gold...

12 motherfucking kills.

Holy Jesus, that's good!

If man as tough as me could cry, I would shed a single tear of joy for my happiness at the wettings you have given me this day.

This may be the best start ever.

Now don't go getting complacent...I expect things to only get wetter and if YOU can't make handle the irrigating, then perhaps I'll send out my assassins early.

But enough of my threats...let's get jiggy with a huge number of kill stories...

Enjoy.

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

First, before we get tto the stoires, here a quick recap of who done did the wetting:

The Hebrew Hammer devenomized the Viper
Nizaris wettified Agent Tuttle
Dead Cell removed the aridness from Agent Kurgan
Dog Face Magoo made their name sound less sucky by undrying Agent TJ
Globex snuffed out The Smoker
C17H21NO4 was too pure for the Captain...he died of a liquid OD
Look Over Your Shoulder's advice was not followed and Agent Cottonjaw met a watery demise
Bushwick Coutry Club irrigated Dr Evil
Marxmen splashified Agent Darian
In a battle of Greek Mythological entities, Apollo killed Icarus
Peter Stevens dampened Agent Dillard
Blue hosed down the full girthiness of Agent Fatz

...and now, the stories...

*********************************************************************

Dear Supreme Commander,

I would like to tell you about the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Well, I guess the Viper will tell you about the agony of defeat. I will focus on the thrill of victory. You asked me to call you at 12:02 and report the first death. I apologize for violating your orders but I gathered you're probably satisfying your harem around midnight so I am sending this report instead.

I left my house well before midnight. I figured most players will still be mindless of other assassins right after midnight and it would make it easier for me to take down my targets. Alas, the team leaders were not yet posted on the website and I had to go at random after one of the team members whose information I received in the dossier. If I'll make contact with a target and he's not the team leader, my cover is gone. So the advantage of going after a target this early in the game does not come cheap. But adding a notch to my kill list and the fun of hunting someone down when they least expect it, seemed well worth the risk. Of the three team members, two at work at a restaurant that only serves dinner. They probably don't wake up early and might return home too late for me. Not to mention one of them leaves on the outskirts of civilization (Brooklyn). The third guy has a corporate job and probably doesn't stay out late.

And so I decided to go after the Viper. I made it to his house around 11:15pm. By using custom made espionage equipment, I verified that the target was not inside. I decided to ambush the target outside and get him as he returns home. It was a quiet place with very few people passing by. I found a place to seat across the street and kept watching his house. A janitor cleaning front stairways along the street became suspicious of me (I guess the smell of the finest weed to come out of southern Lebanon didn't help soothing his anxiety). Not wanting to draw too much attention, I walked away. I waited for the target on the corner of the street, (I had my reasons to believe he'll arrive from that end of the block). It was already after midnight. I was afraid the target might take a cab back home and I'll completely miss him. I started walking back towards the target's house, hoping the janitor won't be there anymore. As I approached the target's house, I saw the janitor was just about to leave. Just before leaving, he looked around, maybe making sure I'm not still lurking. I tried to duck behind a van just in front of the target's house and maintain a normal posture at the same time so the janitor won't see me while not drawing too much attention from other people. I ended up looking like a white man dancing. During my performance, I saw the janitor finally leaving and as I turned around, I saw the target walking along the other side of the street. FUCK. He must have seen my stupid act just in front of his house, realized who I was and now was trying to evade without drawing attention. He walked passed his house (but on the other side of the street, I was in front of his house). He was probably walking towards the bar at the end of the street. I won't be able to take him down there, it's a safe zone. Clever of him. I started walking in the same direction trying to look like I'm minding my own business going all they way to the other end of the block. Before I came up with an alternative plan he was already in the bar.

He is probably having a drink inside looking for me through the glass door. I should have intercepted him on his way to the bar. There's no way I'm gonna get him now. Fuck. Shit. FUCKING SHIT. I refused to give up, though. I ran around the block so he wouldn't see me going back to his house. I waited for him again, across the street from his house, hiding behind a wall. I waited no more than a minute when I saw the target approaching. He seemed very lax. I intercepted him right after he crossed the street, 10 feet from his house. The target was so surprised that for a second I thought I got the wrong person. But it was him alright.

He turned out to be a cool guy. He took his wetting very nicely. He was a little bummed out that he wasn't even able to make it back home on the very first day of the game. He said he didn't see me on the way to the bar. He was very impressed that I went after within minutes after the game started. He didn't have his ID on him. He didn't even get the dossier yet. One of his friends went to get it and they haven't met yet. He didn't know who the team leader is but he was certain it's not him. He offered me a smoke but I didn't want to stay long. By staying and talking I might give him valuable information that he'll pass on to his team leader. So I decided to leave.

I blew my cover. But it was well worth it. I still feel the rush in my veins. When I returned home, I was afraid someone else might pull the same trick on me. I took extra precautions and made extremely evasive maneuvers before returning home. Finally I got into my hose. Back at home, safe at last. It felt even better when I checked the game blog for updates and found out that The Viper was the team leader after all.

Awaiting my next assignment,
Hebrew Hammer

*********************************************************************

My Lovely Government,

This fine morning I was shot by my assassin. The only thing is that I
thought that the 'game' (READ: way of life) was starting tonight at
midnight. [REDACTED] I have come to terms with the nature of why I may have lost the game, and understand that an assassin need must
be on top of these things, as well as the sneaky dark stuff. If I must wait until next year, then I will prove myself then. But [REDACTED] I will not let you down. Either way, thank you shadow
government...

OK, I figured it out, I'm dead. Tell me if you need anything DONE.
Yours,
Agent Tuttle

******************************************

Agent Nizaris reporting for the next assignment...

Tuttle left his premises @ 7:50AM...
Agent Tuttle was assassinated today @ 7:54ish AM, on the day of his
birthday.

Do I get extra style points for killing him on his birthday? Just a
suggestion.

Ciao,
Agent Nizaris.

************************

The Kurgan is dead
tod is 08:05
Killed by phire

************************

At exactly 8am Monday the 25th Team Dog Face Magoo eliminated target Agent TJ on the south east corner of 92nd and Lex. The target was marked by Jacques Bauer and Nina made the kill, two shots to his belly and one to his left side. The victim's I.D. card was collected and Team Dog Face Magoo awaits further instructions.

DFM

****************

target: The Smoker

team globex assassins: dr. pickles and brock

kill location: barrow st. at 7th ave south

kill time: 8:29am

synopsis:

a smooth operation. dr. pickles and brock left at dawn to stalk their pray at his formerly safe home. meanwhile, agent mayday waited at his place of business. although agents brock and dr. pickles allowed for an early exit time for our victim, a.k.a. the sucka, said sucka left at a predictable time. due to his obvious lack of skillz, and our unending supply, sucka was neatly removed from play. no fuss, no muss, no more sucka. let this be a lesson to the rest of you, get up early for work and don't be a sucka.

*************

Actually I don't know his agent name but his real name is [REDACTED] [cottonjaw], and he's dead. He's one of the 3 people I knew going into this game and you guys gave me him. So I invited him out for one of our daily smokes (he works around the corner), made sure we were in fair game territory, patted him down to make sure he wasn't carrying a piece and popped him. I also threw him off the trail by having someone else send him a email taunting him.

Agent Look Over Your Shoulder

*******************

agent icarus---i ansured my door tonight--2 girls selling candy-age 13--15 years old,one of the girls said want candy-i said no--she said you bobby--i said yeah ,she of course shot me -had gun under candy box--& said i got ,you your dead---i said ok----gave her my gun ,which i had in my other hand-behind door,,,& gave her my id card--no problem,,,,,,,,,then while we were talking 3-4 minutes later ,some other guy walks up & shoots me---i said im already out--,,he said there not in the game -they were only helpin me,,,,,,,,cool game --be back next year...

*********************

at 8:27 PM on 109th St and the corner of 103rd Ave. I killed my mark, Agent Darian. My team member followed him to the train in the morning and saw where Darian parked his car. So My team member and I waited for Darian to come back out of work. I waited for 2 hours for Darian to return to his car. Once he walked passed the back of my truck, I jumped out and sprayed him. He immediately knew he was dead. One shot, one kill.


This is Sous Chef for the MarxMen.

**********************

Commanders,

Agent Sinister has been eliminated. He was worthy, and may have blossomed into a fine apprentice assassin had his contract gone to one like himself. In the end his inexperience was his undoing. Counting back to last year he is the sixth assassin I have sent to a watery end, in your cold hearts you knew he never had a chance.

--
Mr. Peter Stevens
Congress Occultus

**************************

My kill report was to brief, and I did indeed have assistance. I went to my targets job which was a liquor store and saw that it wasn't even an open business. The place place was still under construction and awaiting it's grand opening. so, I now knew my only choice was to get him at home. Luckily my ex-girlfriends family lived very near to my target. I knew that if I went to his house I would stick out like a sore thumb, so I employed my ex-girlfriends two younger sisters as a distraction. I bought a box of M&M's, and had the girls pretend to be selling them for some school charity. They rang his bell while I waited to the side. The bait worked and my target came to the door. I gave them some water pistols for fun, and we all gave him a good squirt. He was ready as well, and came to door with a gun himself, but that was also his failure, he should have never opened the door himself. As a result he had a taste of good old H2O.
Agent Apollo

********************

To the Sucka who tried to kill me tonight, I know what you look like,
and REMEMBER MY NAME!!!!!!!!

As I walked home through the dark streets of New York my natural
assassin abilities (Its a sixth sense that picks up weak game) told
me there was something wrong. As I got to my door a short man, with
pathetic game turned to me and asked me for me name . . . With a quick draw that would put Wild Billy to shame I dropped his ass, Shook his hand, thanked him for the weak attempt, and walked inside.

Commander please have someone remove this corpse from in front of my
house, the smell is scaring my ladies away.

- The Big Lebowski

*****************

[END]

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NYC 2006

FIRST KILL!!!

September 25, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 03:50 AM

Oh... if I wasn't so tough... I'd weep.

I am always so moved by the first kill of the game. It's one of rare moments when I can't help but feel emotional and tender.

3 hours and 47 minutes into the game... one Agent Hebrew Hammer reliefed one Agent Viper of his earthly assassin duties.

Congratulations Agent Hebrew Hammer.

You guys are lucky. Supreme won't have to unleash too much on you after all.

Check in later, and Hebrew Hammer's account of his glorious first kill will be posted to inspire you all.

Current status:
Total game kill count: 1
Agent Hebrew Hammer kill count: 1

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NYC 2006

The game begins...

September 25, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 03:16 AM

Lil' Abacus with GPG and Ro-Ro

Allow me to tip my handsome fedora to all you fine aspiring asassins I had to pleasure to meet this weekend. Did you enjoy the hospitality of our fine private stock whiskey and our collection of neighbourhood crackies? I have to say, you lot are some of the more delicious looking assassins I have seen, and I look forward to molesting you all.

Excellent Bribes

Promises of sexual impropriaties asides, a few of you did manage to stick out above the rest, either with bribes or with charms. That bottle of single barrel Blanton will be enjoyed with great relish, a bribe of class and sophistication. Mustache is very impressed. And that little calling card which is cleverly descriptive of a certain Agent's name? I hope you carry them with you, and leave one with your victims so they can wipe off the shame of their loss.

Get cracking on the killing... please...

That said, the clock has just struck 3:38am and our Shadow Government mainframe email server is still sadly void of any kill reports? I hope for your sake, that some "good news" arrives in our mailbox before Supreme Commander wakes up from his slumbers, as he is not nearly as kind or forgiving as me, and a great storm of fury will be unleashed if he is not properly appeased with a good does of killing come morning.

Do not disappoint us young assassins.

Current status:
Total game kill count: 0

Comments (0)

NYC 2006

Team Leaders!

September 24, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 11:21 PM

A pleasure meeting and drinking with all of you...apologies for any wait when coming to see us...

So...yer probably wondering who the special targets on the teams are...

The Shadow Government was carefully examining surveillance videos, collected since sign-ups began, of team players. After much debate, which included a long filibuster and numerous votes of the ruling council, we have decided the following subjects will be the special target for their realted teams.

This information will be valid for the entire game.

Teams, don't let yer leader and fellow members down...if the leader gets wet, the whole team is OUT.

No complaints, there's no crying in Killer.

and now...

Team Special Targets:

We're Gonna Kill All You Damn Zombies:
Toshi P.

Goodfellas:
Zubin N.

The Sexecutioners:
Blue T.

The Inner Circle:
Christine C.

High and Dry:
Brian N.

Wholesale Liquidators:
M. Papper

Hashish:
Jeremy K.

YAAARRR, Have You Seen Me Parrot:
Andrew J.

Ramskull:
Derek S.

Dirtsters:
Chris B.

Globex:
Nat S.

Village Heat:
Sarah L.

Wide Eyed:
N. Tischker

Los Muderosos:
Diego E.

Pedro Pizza Delivery and Church:
Chris D.

Roundhouse Kick to the Face:
Scott M.

Dead Cell:
Kenien S.

Sharks on a Bus:
Matthew V.

Team Shark:
Sterling O.

Dog Face Magoo:
Sarah S.

Snuffdumpster:
Doug D.

Liquid Slayers (K.I.L.L.S.):
Randy R.

El Cano:
Amy C.

Squirtaroos:
Vivienne G.

C17H21NO4:
Adrian G.

Team Awesome Awesome:
Kristen P.

Bushwick Country Club:
John R.

Drunken Redhead Sluts:
Jamie S.

Aegir's Maw:
Ben W.

Kid Robot:
Shannon R.

Heldentod:
Nona V.

Newlywed Ninja Syndicate:
Lianne M.

MarxMen:
Monty M.

That is all...now get to killin...or dying, as the case may be...

Supreme Commander
Shadow Government

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NYC 2006

NYC 2006 Tournament Starts Soon

September 22, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 02:42 AM

The NYC 2006 StreetWars tournament starts in mere days. If you haven't recieved detailed instructions on how to proceed, you probably were a douch and never emailed us your info before the deadline expired.

Can't help you with that.

For the brave assassins in this year's NYC tournament... here is a tip.

Come to the dossier pick-up in disguise.
There will be many of your fellow aspiring assassins swarming the pick-up location this weekend, it is best to avoid being recognized.

I look forwrd to seeing you all. Be prepared to have your life turned upside down for the next three weeks.

Work hard and slack harder. Make me proud, my young soon-to-be assassins.

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