Special Communications
He-Whore - Runner Up For Best Kill Story
August 24, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 2:59 AM
At first it was just a rumor, making its way around the London assassins...
We purposefully did not release this information earlier because we thought it would be too brain-destroying in its awesomeness...but now that the tournament is over, I feel the release of this story will not harm your fragile little minds too much...
Deciding who won for best kill story was a fucking difficult decision, but thanks to copious amounts of Jack Daniels, I was able to make a judgment and I'm standing by it - but sheeeeit, this here is a fucking amazing kill story, it has everything, intrigue, liquor and man-whores...
Read and enjoy...
Oh!
Almost forgot...there may be one more mission left for those interested...it is dangerous and could potentially get you in trouble...and I think some of you already know what it is...contact me if yer interested.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Supreme,
The kill report you’ve been waiting for:
I guess you were probably worried that Etanissassa-x had a slight drought following our promising start last week. It wasn’t for lack of trying; there had been stalking aplenty of our target. However, he had not ventured beyond the cosy confines of his combined flat/workplace.
We were beginning to lose faith in our ability to make the required 2 kills in the first 2 weeks. But something amazing happened. Agent Bi was checking back on the details sent to me about the target who has registered himself as "J M" and despairing because google had failed us. We had searched for his name, his phone number, his address... no luck. And considering his business is located at his home address she found this to be quite strange - shouldn't his company have a web page? It was at this moment of self-doubt that her eyes happened upon his second email address which, oddly, had a different name: chris. So she typed the second email address into google and BINGO! His company had a web page after all.
If I may quote a little of what I found...
"Chris is as at home in a suit and a 5-star hotel as he is in his birthday suit at your place. Chris is ...(blah blah)...7" down below uncut, available on his own or with his friends. Rates start at £100 an hour for a basic finger massage."
Supreme!!! You gave us a male escort as a target!! I'm not sure whether you knew this already and decided that Agents Bi and Aleph were up to the job, so to speak, or whether you had no idea. Well, we were. Here’s what happened:
Fri 28th July, 19.30hrs, Agent Aleph calls “Chris” and leaves a message.
Sat 29th July, 12.30hrs, Agent Aleph calls “Chris” and got answerphone again. She sent him a text requesting a special appointment.
13.00hrs, “Chris” texts Aleph (fake name used: “Ella”) telling her “I missed your call. Do try again”
13.05hrs, “Ella” calls “Chris”. She books an appointment for her and her “girlfriend” (Agent Bi – hehe) on Monday night.
Mon 31st July, 12.45hrs, “Chris” calls “Ella” to check they’re still on for the “date”. Here’s how the conversation went:
C: Hi Ella, how are you?
E: Hi Chris, I’m great thanks. How are you?
C: Fine, I was just ringing to check we’re still on for tonight.
E: Yes, I’m a bit nervous but yes.
C: Don’t be nervous. Have a few drinks for Dutch courage. Are you a couple?
E: Yes, it’s our 1st year anniversary and it’s a surprise. She doesn’t suspect anything! I think she thinks we’re going to the theatre!
C: Oh great! How do you want to start?
E: I don’t know… erm… maybe you could meet us for a drink first?
C: Yeah sure. How do you envisage this going… is it a threesome or do you want to watch me and her?
E: Definitely a threesome.
C: OK, let me put it this way… is there anything you DON’T do?
E: No, we’re pretty much up for anything – she’s really adventurous.
C: Excellent. Give me a call to let me know how the evening’s going.
E: Cool, see you tonight.
E hangs up the phone, checks that the 15 year old boy she is assessing at his home (and fancies) isn’t nearby and does a little scream.
JM (aka Chris) eagerly awaited his phone call from “Ella”, confirming that she and her girlfriend were ready for their hour of "fun" with the tall guy and his “smooth tanned skin”.
Ella and her girlf dress themselves up as raving lezzas at work and leave holding hands, to get used to the sensation. They arrive in Covent Garden and select a trendy looking RESTAURANT SLASH BAR. They select a table for three and leave the empty chair backing onto the stairs to the toilets. They knocked back a couple of drinks like real men and made the call. 5 minutes later “Chris” arrives and they do introductions (and cheek kisses). Ella excuses herself to the bathroom, leaving the others to “get better acquainted”. Agent Bi makes witty and easy small talk (a diversional tactic in which she is highly skilled) with her potential lover. “Ella” ascends the stairs from the bathroom, gun in hand, hand in bag. Stopping behind “Chris”, who is engrossed in the sparkling conversation and transfixed by Agent Bi’s Hitlerian steely eyes, she draws her weapon and delivers a double tap to the back of the head. Head in hands, “Chris” chokes his final words “shame on my profession!”
Reintroducing himself as J (a really sweet guy), he relinquished his ID and proceeded to buy them dinner and (many, many) drinks, muttering “to the victors the spoils”. The evening progressed, and we made the long awaited journey up to the epicentre of his business activity, more wine in hands. As Agent Bi passed out in some boudoir, having extinguished the red light, Agent Aleph ensured that the truly delightful J didn’t go to bed alone, literally to speak.
I hope this leaves you with an excited tingle in your six pack.
Over.
Agents Aleph and Bi.
Special Communications
Late Arrival
August 23, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 12:38 PM
I am finally back at Shadow Government HQ.
Missed my return flight in Iceland and those bastards have but one flight back to NYC per day. Thankfully, they had a bar, so I was able to drown my sorrows RE: the end of the game and leaving London in high style - drinking Viking.
Now it is time for some well deserved "beauty" rest...then back to giving you kids some unpublished stories and answering some cold-heart warming emails.
Soon.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Special Communications
LoveLove
August 21, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 11:19 AM
Much love to those who came out and those that wanted to come but couldn't...the rest of you piss off!
Seriously though, had an amazing time...am still drunk and getting ready to make the long arduous journey back to NYC...
I'll give you more stories and love once I arrive.
Thank you for an amazing game and an excellent time.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
P.S. - All respect to the Rogues...you are my shining stars...
Special Communications
The Party Tomorrow - And The Threadneedles Hotel Sucks Cock
August 19, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 6:40 PM
Let me just begin by saying, once again, that the Threadneedles Hotel sucks dog testicles and all that read this should steer clear of that craptacular shithole - also, there is revenge planned. NO ONE fucks with the Shadow Government.
Also, I am dead.
Want to know who killed me?
Come out to the party tomorrow.
Your Mission:
To hang with some of the most bad assed mother fuckers in town, and of course, Supreme Commander and yours truly. Drink lots, make out with strangers when least appropriate, look fly, and just rock out with your cocks out (in SPIRIT people, not literally, unless... well... nevermind...).
The Location:
TigerTiger Lounge
29 The Haymarket, London, SW1Y 4SP
Telephone: 020 7930 1885
www.tigertiger-london.co.uk
The Date:
Sunday, Aug 20th starts at 8:00pm. Winners and prizes presented at 'bout 9:30pm, give or take a few martini's.
What to Expect:
- Music
- The full round robin revealed! All the player pics will be revealed
in the context of the original kill order. FUN!
- Award ceremony for the winner
- a chance to meet all
the other players
Dress Code
Assassin, ninja, or something of that nature. Extra points awarded to any and all mustaches.Who can come:
Everyone! You don't need to be a player to come. Feel free to invite your friends.
Special Communications
The Shittiest Hotel In London
August 18, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 10:08 PM
Is the Threadneedles Hotel.
Do NOT ever stay there it is a piece of shit and the service is the worst I have ever had the displeasure of staying in.
FUCK THOSE WHORES!
Anyway...DO NOT stalk me there any longer...and DO NOT stay there or suggest people stay there.
These cats are fucking cunts at best...at worst? Well, even I don't want to use words that filthy.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Special Communications
Let's Get It On...
August 15, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 2:52 PM
SUDDEN DEATH!!!
Like my scrotum here it is in a nutshell:
I made like Santa with the list, checked it twice - there are the naughty fuckers that made it to Sudden Death (in drenching order):
Robert G
David S
Mark E
The Association
Etanissassa-x
PAY ATTENTION HERE:
I promised you shit would change in Sudden Death.
Like Highlander, there can be only one.
As of right now, TEAMS NO LONGER EXIST.
Your targets are still active AND you can now kill your teammates - FUN!
Only uncontested kills will count.
But...
That's not your main goal...
To be the best, you've got to beat the best.
I am the final target, you wet me, you win.
Oh!
I almost failed to mention...like any Head of State, I will have a security contingent with me (most of the time - hehe) and they can irrigate you. They can be neutralized for 30 minutes (only applies to the assassin that pesonally neutralized the said body guard. The body guard is still free to wetify all other players), but they can also take you out of the game by wetting you...
Some of my information be emailed to you by Midnight, along with more detialed rules on Sudden Death.
You will get more intel on me and my movements daily. I strongly suggest you check your email and the blog periodically.
I'll be posting *way* more often as Sudden Death progesses.
This shit is gonna separate the punks from the playaz.
Let's play.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Special Communications
StreetWars Wrap Party
August 14, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 5:03 AM
Your Mission:
To hang with some of the most bad assed mother fuckers in town, and of course, Supreme Commander and yours truly. Drink lots, make out with strangers when least appropriate, look fly, and just rock out with your cocks out (in SPIRIT people, not literally, unless... well... nevermind...).
The Location:
TigerTiger Lounge
29 The Haymarket, London, SW1Y 4SP
Telephone: 020 7930 1885
www.tigertiger-london.co.uk
The Date:
Sunday, Aug 20th starts at 8:00pm. Winners and prizes presented at 'bout 9:30pm, give or take a few martini's.
What to Expect:
- Music
- The full round robin revealed! All the player pics will be revealed
in the context of the original kill order. FUN!
- Award ceremony for the winner
- a chance to meet all
the other players
Dress Code
Assassin, ninja, or something of that nature. Extra points awarded to any and all mustaches.Who can come:
Everyone! You don't need to be a player to come. Feel free to invite your friends.
Special Communications
Rogues... Profiles in Irrigation
August 13, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 4:43 AM
Today in masterpiece blogging, I bring you...
"Rogues, profiles in irrigation"
Read profiles some of your favorite rogues after the jump...
Agent Selleck:
Profile: Agent Selleck, a stealthy cat who kills by head shot only, no mess just purity. I will strike when you least expect it, often hiding in the shadows, a master of disgiuse and a breathtaking blend of speed and high velocity pump action power.
Stats as player: 0 kills
Stats as Rogue: Wetted Team Leader Agent MW of Team Expedia
Agent Guttenberg :
Profile: Sure, most of you kids remember me as the wise-cracking, ladies man, Mahoney from Police Academy or that wise-cracking, ladies man who helped all those wrinkly old people in the Cocoon flicks. Nowadays, I get my kicks being a wise-cracking, ladies man patrolling the streets of London soaking down vermin on behalf of the Shadow Government.
Stats as player: no kills. When my team was eliminated I was sitting in Lisbon Airport.
Stats as a Rogue Assassin
- Unit hit on Agent SS 8/8
- Unit hit on SILENCE.
- Unit hit on Team Expedia hit on 3/8
Dink of choice: Dark n Stormy (Goslings only)
Lady CB
Profile: "Don't talk down to me. Don't be polite to me. Don't try to make me feel nice. Don't relax. I'll cut the smile off your face. You think I don't know what's going on. You think I'm afraid to react. The joke's on you. I'm biding my time, looking for the spot. You think that no one can reach you, no one can have what you have. I've been planning while you've been playing. I've been saving while you've been spending. The game is almost over so it's time you acknowledge me. Do you want to fall not ever knowing who took you? - Jenny Holzer, Inflammatory Essays 1979-82
Stats as player: 1 hit - Agent RG
Stats as Rogue: Unit hit on Silence and Team Expedia
Drink of choice: Gin
Agent 5 Star
Profile: Part of the Assassins of Shed Squad (A.S.S). Agent 5 Star takes his name from the rank he obtained as a General in the U.K. ARMY. Having reached this rank at the tender age of 20 he was disohonably dischared for firing at children. But little did the Army know that these children were Ninja's on a mission to kill the queen. Only 5 Star knew this and now he is a free agent pursuing these ninja's everywhere they go.
Stats as player: 1 hit - Agent Monroe: Wed. 26th July. 5hr wait on targets stairwell.
Stats as Rogue Assassin: Unit hit on Silence
Drink of choice: Everything!
Evil Mdget
Profile: Midget-sized, mischievous, and Machiavellian. Knows kungfu, plays poker, and has the stamina of an energizer bunny. "I know I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a king"
Stats as player: Assisted in the irrigation of Agent RG
Stats as Rogue Assassin: Unit hit on Silence
Drink of choice: Gin and Tonic.
Agent Judd Nelson
Profile: Former member of elite covert navy seal drenching
squad - The Death Aquatic. Now proud member of the Rogue Assassins (and occasional thespian). You will most likely recall me as the angst ridden, nostrilly challenged member of the Brat Pack in the 80's, who had an insatiable penchant for the requisite symbols of excess from that era. Not much has changed really, except now I have a new insatiable penchant for soaking punk asses in the hallowed streets of London!
Drink of choice - Caesar
Stats as player - ZERO! We were knocked out on Day 1 when our
team leader was unceremoniously taken down by a dubiously tricky sleight
of hand.
Stats as Rogue Assassin: Unit hit on Agent SS and Silence
Agent Michael Hall
Profile: The Brain. Master in strategic subterfuge and cunning disguise Specialist skills: blackmail, counter espionage, tropical disease, gourmet French cooking.
Stats as player: 0. team eliminated by foul play. Foul play I tell you!!
Stats as Rogue Assasin: Unit hit on Agent SS
Drink of choice: Caipirinha
Special Communications
Numb3rs and P4rty
August 9, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 12:53 PM
Due to some celebrating in honor of something you will all be learning about shortly, I am running a bit behind on my "duties" (and I use that term loosely) to you...
I promised you a final update on survivors left in the tournament...and this I shall give you, just know that it will take me a bit longer to deliver said information to you...
I am just now putting the final touches on the "you suck, so you're out of the game" emails and will be sending those out shortly.
I would also like you to know that the date of the End of Game Party has been set.
The party will be on Sunday August 20th. There Mustache and I will reveal the winners and hopefully get ridiculously blasted in your fine company. I expect much drinkin and dirtyness. Save the date. Tell yer friends. More details on location and such shall be forthcoming.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Special Communications
How NOT to bribe
August 6, 2006 - Posted by Mustache Commander at 2:09 AM
-
How in the world did attempts to bribe for favors turn into the first “Wanted” poster of the London game? (**technically this should have been the second poster, if only our dearest, the current apples of our eye and darlings to our heart, Etanissassa-X hadn’t quickly and promptly dismissed one Steve L to his very early grave) -
Who are these fools that actually rewarded a kindly gift of extra photos and praise from the Mustache himself, by responding with insults and threats to the upper lip hair of our most honored members?
A rare post from the Mustache Commander.
Read on to learn how NOT to bribe.
Listen and listen well, my young assassins and future hopefuls…
Team KT, once an aspiring duo full of watery hopes and assassinating dreams, whom despite their lack of any actual kills, were not short on work ethic and willingness to attempt to bribe the commanders for the help they obviously needed.
So far so good...
The wrong club at the wrong time:
They began their bribe attempts with a well intended offer to enroll yours truly into the Handlebar mustache club and other offers of more scandalous natures that the government generally smile upon (read the actual emails).
However, unbeknownst to them, the Bavarian Mustache Society and the Handlebar mustache club has had a long standing feud going back to the 1800’s, and thus, there was no way I could accept their bribe offer (read my letter to Team KT detailing this unknown history of the Bavarian vs Handlebar conflict).
None the less, their luck has it that their email found me after a particularly pleasing evening at my harem, feeling unusually magnanimous, I granted them words of encouragements and a bonus picture to help them identify their targets.
To which, team KT responded...
The insult:
We didn't realize you were already a member of the Bavarians....... We would never have entered this game if we had known, and any offers of sexual favours that may have been implied in the past have been unanimously withdrawn.
In fact, since you have revealed that you are member of such a despicable and perverted organization as the Bavarians it is not only getting wet that you should now be afraid of....
As of today we have informed The Mutton Harriers* (a crack commando unit associated with the Handlebar Club) of your allegiances and they are currently being deployed to the States where they will steal into your house and the houses of all your hairy associates and during the midnight hours cruely shave your and all your fellow slumberers upper lip.
Peace out,
Tony and Rana
Can this stand?
A foolish insult as reward for our kindness? I believe it cannot stand. For those seeking extra curricular activities these last two days of week two, please do contact the Government, and you can take them on as an extra assignment.
Rogues and assassins, please do “rain” on their parades for us.
Prize:
Complete this mission, and receive a “non-handlebar” mustache, from my personal collection. Signed and autographed, with a certificate of authenticity.
This mission expires on Tuesday 12:01am, as Team KT would most likely be disqualified for failing to meet 2 kills by the end of week two, and you can't wet someone who's already dead.
PS: this would count as a kill for your week two totals.
PPS: This team has no kills yet, so they would be done by Tuesday. I’d rather see them wet then dry and disqualified, if you catch my drift.
Special Communications
Back In NYC...
July 26, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 3:38 AM
Ahhh...nice to back back home, ensconsed by fine velvet and finer women...
That said, I have to admit I did enjoy your fine city for the short time I was there...though once I complete my takeover of London, the first thing I'm gonna do is make your bars and pubs pour larger shots of hard liquor...it's nearly impossible to get drunk on the midget sized drinks they pour...also, I will have your city blessed with more powerful Air Conditioning, I *so* hate sweating, it is for the hoi polloi, not for a man such as me.
But I digress...I just wanted to assure you that I got home safe (I know you were worried) and that I am just now using the MASSIVE computing power of the Shadow Government mainframe and compiling kills and answering your RE-Tarded questions via voice recognition software (yah, like you though I was gonna be typing and mess up my beautiful soft hands...pffft...my hands are used for only 5 things: Wettin', Drinkin', Countin' Gold, Pleasuring Women and flippin' suckers off after I wet them, drink their liquor, take their gold and/or please their women.
Indeed.
So, rest yer pretty little heads safe in the knowledge that kills will be posted soon and all yer questions/issues you took the time to write to me about will be answered soon as well.
Now wait...
I'll be done soon enough...
Kissees!
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government
Special Communications
Team Leaders!
July 24, 2006 - Posted by Supreme Commander at 11:25 PM
A pleasure meeting and drinking with all of you...apologies for any wait when coming to see us...
So...yer probably wondering who the special targets on the teams are...
The Shadow Government was carefully examining surveillance videos, collected since sign-ups began, of team players. After much debate, which included a long filibuster and numerous votes of the ruling council, we have decided the following subjects will be the special target for their realted teams.
This information will be valid for the entire game.
Teams, don't let yer leader and fellow members down...if the leader gets wet, the whole team is OUT.
No complaints, there's no crying in Killer.
and now...
Team Special Targets:
Aquatic Avengers:
Rina A.
Battersea Dogs:
Malin F.
Retards:
Jerome H.
The Stealth Lady Assassins:
Rebecca B.
The Death Aquatic:
Hamish M.
Aquabats:
Rosy L.
Archangel:
Donagh O.
Dangerous Duo:
Alex J.
Going Down:
Roger G.
Team Norfolk Enchants:
Mark W.
Foxy and Sleuth:
Matthew H.
Ryukenden:
Nick A.
Shed Squad:
Robbie L.
Mooch Ass Mutha Fuckers:
Darren T.
00r:
George M.
KT:
Rana K.
Soaker Warriors:
Karen E.
J-I-M:
James M.
Pink Fluffy Kittens on Crack:
Ben S.
The B Team:
Jonathan S.
The Undecipherables:
Joy L.D.
Immersion:
David H.
The Association:
Barney W.
SquirtWorks:
Chad L.
Tag Team:
Hannah H.
The Men With The Golden Guns:
Joel R.
The Sons of the Old Man in the Mountain:
Alex H.
Killer2:
Kayvan D.
The Dark Assassin:
Toby F.
Etanissassa-x:
Abi D.
So...yeah...
Get to wetting.
Supreme Commander
Shadow Government